Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  High praise indeed from my mother.

  Wanted to stay to take in all their hard work but was banished upstairs to relax and pamper myself in preparation for the night ahead.

  “And don’t forget to put knickers on your head if you’re having a bath. You don’t want your hair to end up looking like a frizzball again!” Mum called as I left.

  Got a bit bored after an hour or so of beauty treatments - I’d plucked, shaved, moisturised and done a face pack, pedicure and manicure - amazing how quickly you learn to do these things when you become a mother. I can remember when it took a whole Saturday to get ready for a night out - which, considering my body was younger and fresher then, is quite ridiculous.

  Managed to sneak Max upstairs for a bit of company and played ‘Snap’. We then pretended to be Cinderella and the wicked stepmother while I put my make-up on and got dressed.

  A very different experience to my carefree days of preparing for a big night, but oh so much more fulfilling.

  I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty tasty looking forty-year old mother of a gorgeous boy, about to enjoy a party organised by her equally gorgeous husband. Aaah, forty’s a cinch.

  This Cinderella might have a few more crow’s feet and a lot more pounds but she was off to the ball to meet her Prince Charming and she didn’t intend to be back at midnight.

  Sunday 31st August

  Didn’t get to bed until gone five this morning - we certainly partied in style.

  When I was finally allowed into the marquee last night I didn’t recognise the venue as being part of my own back garden. They’d chosen gold, bronze and copper for the colour theme (clever Fenella, telling me to buy that dress!) and every table was dressed with a gold organza cloth, russet flowers and flickering gold candles. One corner had been allocated for dancing and was lit by sparkling fairy lights and huge pillar candles.

  The buffet table was almost buckling under the weight of Fenella’s mouth-watering delicacies and delights. She’d also provided several crates of the best bubbly Josh’s money could buy, to help the party go with a swing.

  Nic’s pianist friend was doing a brilliant job playing classy little numbers quietly in the background - little did he know we’d put him through his paces for some louder, funkier numbers later.

  Looked around and picked out my nearest and dearest - Ned (my hunky hubbie - looking very pleased with himself), Max (looking smart in a little gold waistcoat Mum had secretly bought him), Mum (sporting a sequinned number circa 1979 she used to wear to Dad’s golf club do’s), High Powered sister #1 (looking a little wide around the girth), High Powered sister #2 (in a charcoal suit - she’d come straight from a meeting … on a Saturday), Nic and Rick (looking very loved up and desperate for the boogying to start) and my dear new friends Fenella and Josh (Fenella in a stunning silver sheath which left very little to the imagination and Josh looking very proud of her). Mrs S was looking contentedly smug with herself in a canary yellow sari - she’d wrangled a sympathy invite for Pritesh under the pretence that he “just happened to be on one of his visits” and he was there knocking back the Jack Daniels and having a high old time. Occurred to me to get my revenge by grabbing the mike later and letting everyone know that under that beautiful sari she was wearing ‘leisure panties’ that claim she’s ‘Hot to Trot’.

  These and all the other people I love were gathered to celebrate my special day - such a shame Lou, Cam and Finn couldn’t have come but of course, London’s a war zone and they’d have been reckless to risk their lives!

  Was thoroughly spoilt with the most imaginative of presents:

  Fenella’s treating us both to a spa day in Kent - must have cost a fortune but so thoughtful and, after the amount we downed last night, very much needed.

  My sisters clubbed together on a beautiful pair of diamond earrings, “Ned told us to get anything ‘yummy-mummyish’ so you can compete at the school gates”, Elle told me.

  And Nic & Rick presented me with a generous gift voucher for ‘Rigby & Pellar’ - “So that you can get your bits under control. Although I have to say they’re looking pretty hot tonight, girl,” Nic grinned as he surveyed my bosoms. Not sure if I was chuffed or repulsed by the way Pritesh agreed so enthusiastically but took it with a pinch of salt when I saw Mrs S’s encouraging nod to him.

  The party was in full swing with the champagne flowing nicely and Fenella singing an excellent version of ‘Mack the Knife’, when Elle (high-powered #1) said she needed to talk to me.

  To keep it short, she’s been seeing someone now for about six months and … she’s pregnant. Came as such a shock because she’s never mentioned wanting kids. Her career has always been her life and I’d just never considered it as an option for either her or Harriet.

  I’m sure I managed to say how happy I was for her but felt a little wobbly about the whole thing so escaped upstairs to get my head around the idea.

  Must have been gone for longer than I thought because Fenella came looking for me. Never one to cope well with peoples’ concern, I burst into tears.

  “Oh no, Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Who’s upset you? Tell me and I’ll go and slug them for you. Oh, Lordy. It’s not me is it?”

  Told her I was just being silly and then filled her in on the details.

  “We so wanted more babies and now I’m just too old and it’s never going to happen. I don’t resent Elle being pregnant but it just kind of brought it all home to me,” I blubbed.

  Fenella had a little sob then and we hugged like a couple of soppy school girls - not quite so easy with huge chests.

  “Oh, Lib. I do know how you feel. Our baby days may be over but we’ve got all the good stuff ahead. Our lives back for a start. We wouldn’t want to go back to all those sleepless nights, cracked nipples and shitty nappies. Not to mention only being able to have a sneaky shag, and very quietly at that, when you’re too knackered to actually enjoy it.”

  Well, when she put it like that … !

  “And who wants to give up alcohol and runny cheese? Not me, that’s for sure. Come on Sweedie, we’ve got a party to enjoy while your poor sister will be resting her swollen feet and sipping on mineral water.

  Thank goodness for Fenella’s voice of reason - even if it is slightly warped.

  Spent the rest of the night quaffing champers like there was no tomorrow, dancing, flirting (at one point I think with Pritesh. Dangerous ground never to be trod again but, hey, it’s my fortieth and I’m clearly borderline dementia) and taking part in a pole dancing competition with Nic and Fenella.

  Nic won!

  Elle left early because she was tired and at the sicky stage. Fenella winked at me and washed down some Brie with yet more Champagne.

  A truly wonderful night had by all.

  Oh and to top it off … I won the lottery.

  Must remember to send Lou and Cam their half.

  Sure a fiver will come in useful.

  Monday 1st September

  Can’t believe it’s September already and that Max starts school tomorrow.

  Still need to sew all the nametags on his uniform but I’m one step ahead of Fenella. She’s off on a mercy dash to Harrods with Todd today so I said I’d look after Charlotte.

  Max and Charlotte played together in the garden while I got on with jobs.

  Heard Max saying, “Would you like me as your brother?” Charlotte nodded sweetly, giving exactly the answer he wanted.

  Delighted, he went on, “OK then, when Todd’s not around, we’ll pretend OK? But don’t tell anyone.”

  Happy to be part of a secret, little Charlotte agreed.

  Hopefully when school starts it’ll take Max’s mind of this sibling thing - it breaks my heart to see him so desperate for something that’s unlikely to materialise.

  Feel a bit like a parent who can’t afford to buy their child the thing they want most for Christmas.

  Let’s hope it never comes to that.

  Tuesday 2nd September

  Max start
s school!

  Max was up at the crack of dawn raring to go - don’t think I’ve ever seen him so excited.

  Ned wasn’t quite as excited about writing out the cheque for the school fees. The holding deposit had been painful enough but the fees really hit where it hurt - roll on Christmas bonus time.

  As it was a beautiful morning we decided to walk to school with Dog and Dot - Max was keen for them to see his new school.

  Mrs S waved us off wishing Max well and tearily adding, “Oh I remember my Pritesh’s first day at school like it was yesterday. Such a beautiful boy and so much to give to the right woman.”

  Yes Mrs S, I know he has. Especially after the rather disturbing (read erotic) dream I had last night but that’s going to remain my dirty secret. None of that should have happened to a happily married woman and we will never do it again.

  Met Fenella at the gates with Brown & Splodge in tow - Todd had clearly had the same idea to show off his extended family.

  Realised we’d need to take it in turns to take our boys in because we couldn’t leave the dogs. Fenella went first with Todd while Max was champing at the bit to get in. He even asked if he could just go in with them but I wouldn’t be denied the historical moment of seeing him in on his first day.

  Observed much pally air kissing and ‘mwah-mwah’s’. Lots of surreptitious eyeing up of one another too - “Has she gained a little weight?” “Is her tan deeper than mine?” “Is she wearing a new bracelet?”

  And this just from the Year 6 girls!

  Taking in my surroundings I saw mothers dressed for the gym and tennis or in business clothes and en route to the office. Then there were the ‘dressed to impress’ bunch probably off for coffee or lunch. The final category was the nannies - eager to get back to an empty house as soon as they’d dumped their charges.

  Realised there was no group I’d fit into but decided I didn’t need to be compartmentalised. I was quite happy to be a one-off. Just so long as I don’t stick out like a sore thumb.

  Fenella returned after an anxious ten minutes - Todd had not been happy about being left and had cried furiously. Poor Fenella looked a wreck.

  I suddenly found myself dreading taking Max in - what if Todd set him off or, worse still, what if I started blubbing?

  Needn’t have worried though because as soon as we set foot in the classroom, Max kissed me goodbye and said he’d go and look after Todd. Then adding, “And you should go and look after Fenella. Bye Mummy.”

  That’s my boy!

  Felt a bit guilty reporting back to Fenella that all had gone smoothly but she was pleased to hear that Todd was being looked after by his buddy.

  Decided to set off for a long walk across the common, mobiles gripped firmly in our hands in case the school called.

  PM

  Boy, did the afternoon drag!

  The morning was a breeze because it just felt as if Max was at nursery and the walk on the common had taken our minds off things, but 3.30 just never seemed to roll around.

  I’d done the housework, had lunch, sorted through my Christmas fair files, watched ‘Neighbours’ (what a luxury) and it was still only two o’clock.

  Definitely time to start thinking about a part time job. Just don’t know what - start considering my strengths.

  Got to the school far too early purely because I couldn’t bear to be in such a quiet house any longer. Several mums were already gathered at the gates and talking ten to the dozen. Really felt the outsider as the existing mothers have ready-formed cliques that don’t appear to have room for ‘newbies’. Spotted Gestapo and rat but she was holding court with a giggling gaggle and I felt I’d rather look like a loner than have to put up with her. Wasn’t remotely surprised to see that the Gnome was part of the group - just her type. Could hear them all comparing notes on the horrors of holidaying with a nanny.

  Gestapo was in full flow, “I mean, can you imagine. We took Troika with us because we thought she’d be grateful and want to see the Caribbean but on her first night off she got so totally rat-arsed we had to look after the kids for the whole of the next morning! She couldn’t do it again though because we grounded her for the remaining three weeks. Then, when we got home she handed in her bloody notice because she says we’re mean-spirited. I ask you!”

  Troika had obviously seen the light.

  The Gnome then added her own dramas, “What about this then? Matilde appears to have got herself up the duff by the waiter at our local Italian. She’s absolutely no use to me at all at the moment - puking her guts up everywhere and wailing and sobbing. Then last night we had her father on the phone demanding to know how we could have let it happen. Practically threatened me. I’ve booked her on the next available flight home and the agency is on the look out for an Aussie ‘manny’ - no pregnancy issues to deal with and, frankly, I’m desperate.”

  Was relieved to see Fenella approaching to complete our own group of two.

  “Hi, Sweedie. Just had some daft tart reverse into me and trash my bumper. Not the slightest bit apologetic! Just rambled on about how she’s always doing it and her husband would sort out the insurance. That’s her over there, laughing like a drain with the leopard skin stick insect.”

  Obviously another case of Braille Parking.

  There was much excitement when the school doors opened and our little ones were dismissed with a shake of their teacher’s hand before each child was dispensed to the correct parent or carer.

  Max & Todd ran over to us clutching handfuls of artwork. Max’s shirt was hanging out and his shoes were already scuffed and Todd seemed to be wearing a pot of blue paint on his face and hands. They were both chattering excitedly and Fenella and I could just about deduce that the day had been a huge success - even for Todd.

  Fenella whispered to me, “Just hope they realise they’ve got to do it all again tomorrow!”

  Max was absolutely shattered and ready for bath and bed by seven. He filled me in on the highlights of his day.

  “We all sat in a circle and we had to say our name and where we’d been on holiday. Sebastian went to see Mickey Mouse at Disneyland and Letitia went to Africa to see elephants and zebras.”

  Told him that sounded exciting and then apprehensively asked what he’d said when it came to his turn.

  “Well Mummy, I stood up and in a big voice I said, ‘Hello. My name is Max and I went to the park’. They must like me because everybody laughed.”

  First day and the cracks are already beginning to show.

  Wednesday 3rd September AM

  Max could hardly drag his tired little body out of bed this morning.

  Decided to drive to school as I didn’t want to wear him out even more.

  Met Fenella who was looking flustered as she hurried Todd and Charlotte from the car. “Oh God, Lib. We overslept and Todd’s still having his breakfast.” Todd was indeed still munching on a croissant and slurping on a smoothie while Fenella was trying to flatten his hair down. Charlotte was still in her pyjamas and, on closer inspection, I noticed Fenella was also wearing hers under a fake fur. Must remember to tell Lou!

  Decided we’d get together after lunch for a Christmas fair update. Hooray - something to do with the day. My house was in danger of being cleaned again and that would just be too sad for words.

  Spent part of the morning on the phone to Lou who was worried that Finn was coming down with bronchitis - he has a slight cough. Eventually convinced her he’d be fine and then got on to the subject of us both finding part time work. Lou’s decided she’s really got to wait until Finn goes to school because child care would be too expensive and, anyway, a child minder wouldn’t watch him properly. Told her I still didn’t know what I wanted to do but Nic had suggested organising children’s parties. It does seem a natural outlet for my recently discovered organisational skills.

  Agree with Lou that it might be an awful lot of hard work but it could be fun. Something to consider once the fair is over.

  Had pretty full-on meeti
ng with Fenella - we suddenly realised just how much needs doing by November. Split some of the jobs down the middle so we both have our own lists to work on before we discuss again next week.

  MY LIST

  Source and buy 3 suitable craft activities - all components must be to Elf and Safety standards (or “Effin’ Safety” as Fenella now refers to it) - last year a child lost a bead up its nostril and the school wants to avoid a repeat performance.

  Discuss food options with Gestapo (Yuck!) Make sure she has all under control.

  Find remaining outside stall-holders - had request from one mother for something ‘foodie’ and also ‘leather goods’ - why can’t she just go to a supermarket or a department store like everyone else? (Or maybe a kinky website if she has something else in mind).