Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  PANIC LIST

  Buy two cheap but appropriate presents.

  Plan cheap but impressive meal.

  Count remaining Christmas wine stock and buy more cheap stuff.

  Spot the theme?

  Off to Nic and Rick’s for lunch as it’s their only free slot in their panto schedule. Prepared for much thigh slapping and “it’s behind you!”

  Monday 29th December AM

  Great time at Nic & Rick’s yesterday.

  Dog and Dot always very happy to meet up with Stripe - they looked so cute in their matching bandanas (Max had insisted we buy one for Stripe for his own special occasions).

  The highlight of the day had to be … a Playstation 3 for Max! Don’t know who got the biggest shock, him or us. We thought they were buying him some Lego but they’d decided that, as they have no children of their own to spoil, and Nic had done rather well from the advert he’d filmed earlier this year, they’d go a bit mad.

  Max was beside himself with excitement - never in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined that he’d get a PS3 with three games. And to think we flogged the game from Mia’s party off on eBay for a song.

  Needless to say, Ned was delighted too - more toys but, even better, technological ones.

  Spent the afternoon arguing who’d have the next go against Max on various games - I gave up after a while because the men were all so desperate to prove how fantastic they were - it would seem even gays have their macho pride.

  Oh, and I got the gorgeous necklace I saw Nic buying at the fair.

  And Ned got an 18-rated Playstation game - lots of shooting and guts. He’s overjoyed and thinks my gay friends are wonderful!

  PM

  Settled down to a glass of wine and a new book.

  Very difficult to concentrate with annoying husband next to me, jumping up and down with the Playstation controls and shouting, “Eat lead, you swine” or “Ha ha, got you, you bastard.”

  Hope this won’t interfere with his job searching. Could end up on The Jeremy Kyle show as some kind of dysfunctional family with the husband unable to work because of his gaming addiction.

  “I lost my husband to the PS3”

  Now that would go down well at the school gates!

  Tuesday 30th December

  Forced my boys to get their faces out of the Playstation and help me make F&J’s birthday cake. Ned said he just had to beat his top score and then he’d be with me. Max said if Daddy was allowed to stay on it, he should be allowed to watch (not the 18-rated game of course, that’s kept securely hidden during the day).

  Finally dragged them away at lunch time and we started on the baking. Could tell Ned was counting the hours until he could be back in battle, blasting people’s heads off, and Max wanted to get back into the world of Harry Potter.

  Thanks Nic & Rick. I used to have a perfectly normal husband and son - feel another list coming on ...

  HOUSE GAMING RULES

  No Playstation before school/work/job search.

  Must not be on Playstation longer than one hour.

  Will not be a Playstation widow.

  Must continue to partake in outdoor activities or will become pasty and smelly, short sighted nerds - I know because I’ve been in Game shops.

  Ned must switch off Playstation and talk to me in the evenings or he’ll find that his Goddess will be replaced by a vile, screaming fishwife.

  Fenella just called to say she wishes they’d never bought a bloody Xbox - had no sense out of Josh, Todd or Charlotte for six days!

  Jeremy Kyle, here we come.

  Wednesday 31st December

  New Year’s Eve - F&J’s birthdays.

  Forced Ned to take Max and the dogs to the park while I got on with the cooking - very tempted to hide the PS3 controllers but not actually that mean.

  Decided to have a little go on one of the games while no one was around telling me how useless I was. After eventually navigating my way through mind boggling menus, I found that the Mario one is definitely my favourite and I think I’m beginning to get the hang of it - may even be ready to take on some competition soon.

  Realised I’d been at it for just over an hour and hadn’t actually got any food prepared - guess it is rather addictive.

  Managed to look very busy and industrious in the kitchen by the time they got back - think my secret’s safe. Slightly worried that I kept envisaging Mario zooming along the work surfaces in his little car around partially prepared food and utensils, though.

  As I chopped and seasoned, fried and boiled, I looked back over the past year. Max’s move to big school, our new friendships and a redundancy.

  A new year, new beginnings. If we remained positive, all would be fine. At least we weren’t suffering the shame and humiliation Gestapo and Rudeman were going through.

  A sense of calm and well-being washed over me as I worked methodically through my chores. I just know we’ll come through this.

  Happy New Year and may all our troubles be little ones.

  COMPLICATIONS

  Monday 23rd February

  Don’t know where the time’s gone. Max has already completed half a term and had a week’s break (park, cinema, park, park, park) and it’s the first time I’ve managed to put pen to paper. The cracks are beginning to show in the life of a mummy misfit.

  Where to begin? The school fees were due on the 6th of Jan but, after we’d cleared the overdraft for the roof and car repairs, there wasn’t a huge amount of Ned’s redundancy money left. Covered the shortfall with a bit of help from a credit card. All a bit scary but Max is doing so well, we have no regrets. The next lot’s due after Easter so we really need a miracle before then.

  Ned’s had quite a few interviews but no job offer yet. He gets quite despondent on occasions but generally manages to keep his spirits up reasonably well. He certainly couldn’t be accused of not trying, as he spends most of his day on job sites or ringing old contacts and, thankfully, not on the Playstation!

  ‘Ba’s Kitchen’ is doing brilliantly. Both Mrs S and Skunk have paid themselves back their initial outlay and are now making money. Skunk insists that Mrs S does all the accounts and gets paid extra for it. “Fuckin’ useless wiv figures, I am,” he informed me when Mrs S was out of earshot. Think he’s earned his stripes in the trust department and there are certainly no flies on him, as my mother would say. Just last week he pulled me aside and asked, “Don’t it get on your knockers, the way she keeps going on about Pritesh being the man for you? I could ‘ave a tactful little word wiv ‘er, if you like? She listens to me.”

  May well take him up on the offer.

  After a drunken New Years Eve, Fenella and I decided that we’d dabble with our own business idea. And so ‘La Fête Parfaite’ was born! The most pretentious name we could come up with, basically meaning ‘The Perfect Party’ - we will take on anything from hand made invites, party bags and themed decorations to booking a venue/entertainer. So far all our work has come from a poster at the school and has been mainly children’s events but we’ve recently had calls asking if we’d consider adult parties. Obviously not in the ‘throw your keys in a pile’ sense, although nothing would surprise me anymore.

  Although interest is gaining momentum, it’s not really enough to provide a steady income and the other downside is dealing with some very snotty mothers. Just last week, the shade of serviette for a princess’s party was “just too pink” and the party bags “not sparkly enough!”

  Today we need to work on some invites for a nine year old’s ‘Celebrity Bash’ - each child is to dress as the A-lister of their choice and we’ve been asked to come up with an Oscar themed invite. Also need to source a red carpet and employ some young actors to play the paparazzi for the kids’ arrival!

  Think the days of pass the parcel and musical bumps are well and truly over.

  Tuesday 24th February AM

  Heard this morning that Gestapo and Rudeman have put their huge FO house on the market and are in rented ac
commodation. They also had to let the nanny go and they’re apparently waiting for his case to go to court.

  Wonder if they’re worrying where next term’s fees are coming from?

  PM

  Fenella just called to say she’d had an email from a mother who wants a sushi party for 20 five year old girls and would it be something we could organise?

  Fenella added, “I vaguely know the mother and money’s no object. She’s a corporate lawyer and basically doesn’t have the time or inclination to organise anything. Could be quite profitable for us, without having to do very much.”

  Agreed to meet tomorrow to come up with a plan.

  Ned simply looked up from his job search on the web and said, “Do it, Lib. Think of all the fantastic leftovers we’ll have. Do you know any five year olds who’ll eat sushi?”

  Mmm, he has a point.

  Wednesday 25th February

  Noticed the Gnome dropping Mia off at school this morning. Obviously attempting to ‘be there’ for Gestapo in her hour of need whilst dishing the dirt behind her back.

  Heard her talking to ‘Dress Up Mummy’ (ballerina’s tutu and leggings today). “Poor little Mia, doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and she’s so desperately missing her custom made Swiss garden chalet. We were actually considering putting an offer in on their house ourselves but felt that might be twisting the knife a little.”

  How thoughtful of her to consider her friend’s feelings! Can imagine how it would go down … “So sorry to hear that you’ve lost your house but, look on the bright side, it’s mine now so you can always pop round for an Elderflower water!”

  Fenella and I decided on our plan of action for the sushi party. Figured our profits would more than double our outgoings, while still keeping the organisation fairly simple. The mother’s already booked a venue at a fancy sports club but the rest is down to us. Drew up a list.

  SUSHI MADNESS!

  Print invites on oriental fans.

  Order 20 trays of Waitrose finest sushi - she has specifically said she doesn’t want alternative food. “If they don’t eat it they starve.”

  Display food on bamboo style trays found in the Pound Shop by Fenella. (An addict now).

  Organise jugs of mango and guava juice. Serve in Japanese style beakers with umbrellas and exotic birds on straws.

  Source themed party bags and fill with a paper fan, an origami book and a fortune cookie.

  Make birthday cake with top of Barbie doll - bit like a loo roll holder but in a kimono. Could prove to be our biggest challenge but it’ll be fun trying.

  Also realised we hadn’t booked any ‘paps’ for the ‘Celebrity Bash’ so put in a quick call to Nic & Rick in case they knew of any resting actors. When Nic heard that the mother was prepared to pay two hundred quid for about an hour’s work, he spluttered, “Jeez! Let me check the diary and if we’re free, we’ll do it.”

  Within minutes we’d booked our ‘paps’ and added our booking fee. Between these two parties we’ll earn a few hundred quid each - not life changing amounts, and certainly not enough for Ned to consider giving up the job search but, at the moment, every little helps.

  Thursday 26th February

  Big day for Max! He came home from school proudly clutching a letter announcing that he was the class winner of their half term project. ‘A Day in the Life of a Dog’ had won him a twenty pound book token and Todd’s ‘Birds in my Garden’ had taken second prize.

  The letter went on to say that the whole school had taken part and two projects had been selected from each class.

  ‘We were again amazed by the quality of the work of our pupils. This reinforces our belief in the excellence of our teaching staff at Manor House and the eagerness of our children to embrace learning.

  We will be holding a celebratory tea for all winners and runners up on 5th March 3.30 - 4.30 in the main school hall.

  We would also like to invite the parents of those children to a complimentary dinner in the school hall on Friday 6th March at 8pm. Any money raised on the night will go towards CCL.

  We look forward to seeing you there and hope that you will enjoy our stunning display of winning entries’.

  WOW! Our Max, the little academic. Knew we’d made the right decision - for him, at least.

  Ned was equally thrilled but just slightly worried by the fund raising aspect of the night. “Can’t be supporting other kids if we can barely support our own, Lib.”

  Just hope it’s easy to disguise if we don’t actually contribute because it’s hardly a night we can miss.

  Must check with Fenella what the mother of a child prodigy wears to such an auspicious event.

  Friday 27th February AM

  Caught a glimpse of Gestapo at the school gates this morning. At least, I think it was her! She was driving a rather beaten up Polo, had an inch of dark roots and the rat was naked. Apart from that, I’d say it was definitely her!

  She didn’t stop to talk to anyone and quickly scurried back to her car.

  Again, I found myself feeling strangely sorry for her.

  PM

  Ned has an interview on Monday. Yippee!

  Also we’ve bagged ourselves another booking - and it’s not ‘Dim Sum for Toddlers’ or ‘Pole Dancing for Pre-Schoolers’ - a cookery party. A dozen ten year old girls for two hours, making cakes and sweets.

  An absolute doddle for two Fanny Cradocks like us.

  Designed invites on fairy cake cut out and sourced cookery themed party bag goodies.

  Party to be held at Fenella’s to save on venue costs and her kitchen is more than big enough.

  It’s great being busy again and being paid for it. Could almost get excited if Ned & I weren’t so worried about the general state of our financial affairs.

  No longer doing the ‘ostrich’ but taken to affirmations.

  Think positive and repeat mantra. “I am sailing on the river of wealth” …

  Saturday 28th February

  Received another rather peculiar email from Gestapo:

  ‘Libby

  I understand that you and Fenella Hunter-Barnes have set up a lucrative party business.

  I’m sure you will remember the success of Mia’s last party and wondered if you had a position open for an ‘elite party organiser’.

  Of course, I don’t need to work from a financial point of view but feel it would be rewarding to return to the work force.

  I look forward to hearing back from you with regards to my joining your partnership and also details of expected remuneration.

  Many thanks

  Araminta’

  Needed to read the email several times.

  This was from the woman who’d said we’d never be friends because ‘we inhabit different worlds’. The woman who didn’t lift a finger to organise one second of her daughter’s party and now she’s an ‘elite party organiser!’ The woman who’s out on her arse with seriously neglected highlights and a butt naked dog but ‘doesn’t need to work from a financial point of view’.

  Being the soft-hearted sap I am, I still felt the stirrings of pity. Then I started to feel a little less sorry for her - with front like that, she’d survive anything.

  Called Fenella who, after a very long silence, said she thought she was about to have a ‘Tena Lady’ moment. She then hung up saying, “Forgive me while I go piss myself laughing!”

  Sunday 1st March

  Spent last night at F&J’s having an infamous ‘impromptu fondue’ and deciding the best way to deal with Gestapo.

  This ranged from, “We need to let her down gently” (me) to, “We should just tell her to go fuck herself.” (Fenella)

  Eventually agreed, after much reigning in on Fenella, to write:

  ‘Dear Araminta

  Sadly ‘La Fête Parfaite’ is not in a position to consider expansion at the moment.

  We wish you all the best in finding a suitable venture to pursue.

  Libby & Fenella’

  Fenella opened an
other bottle of Moët and hiccupped, “Still think my response would have got the message across more succinctly!”

  Monday 2nd March AM

  Ned’s interview

  Really worried that if Ned doesn’t get this job we’ll have to put all of next term’s fees on another credit card. Luckily the mortgage is currently being covered by a protection plan, so we’ll still have a (new and expensive) roof over our heads.