Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  “Frankly, I can’t wait until they can get themselves to school,” ‘Dress Up Mummy’, added. “Such a frightful bore having to get oneself out of bed on the nanny’s day off.”

  Must remember to let Max have a fag and a glass of wine tonight. So European! I’m clearly holding back his development and failing to encourage the little adult in him.

  Thursday 23rd April

  Met Fenella in the park café for coffee - no Starbucks option for us any more after Potty-Gate.

  She said that Shaaaron called her last night and asked if we’d like to do the Christmas fair again this year. “Think she only calls me because she knows I usually say yes but you’d have been proud of me, Lib. I put my foot down with a firm but freshly manicured hand and said that we most definitely would not. I could hear the panic in her voice because she knows if she can’t get anyone else to do it, she’ll have to and, of course, she’s …”

  “…‘fiendishly busy’” we both giggled.

  Moved on to discuss a couple of emails we’d had for some possible bookings - not huge money-spinners but enough to keep the wolf from the door.

  One was a sit down four-course dinner for a dozen eleven year olds - black tie and ball gowns, of course. Figured we could prepare all the food beforehand and leave it to the nanny to reheat (Mummy would be in Bruges on business, although rumour has it she’s conducting a long-term affair with a London cabbie and is often ‘on business’). ‘Naughty Mummy’ had also asked if we could set a ‘sumptuous and elegant table’ in burgundy and gold. Daughter Ella-Louise has some very definite ideas about entertaining.

  Decided it was an easy enough job to take on so agreed on an overdue trip to the Pound Shop tomorrow. “The best place for bargain candles,” according to Fenella.

  The second email was from a mum higher up in the school who’s so well known for going under the knife, her husband complains she now looks nothing like the woman he married.

  Anyway, ‘Tummy Mummy’ wanted us to organise a baby-shower (ridiculous American idea) for one of the teachers. All a bit complicated as we don’t really know the teacher and felt that it really should be organised by friends and family. Reluctantly decided we would have to turn it down.

  “I hear she’s a bit of an old bag anyway, so we’d probably have ended up with as much trouble as we had with ‘Scammy Mummy’”, Fenella revealed as she packed away her file. “Golly, isn’t your sister’s baby due soon? Hope you’re not doing the whole naff baby shower thing? After I’d had Todd, my sister-in-law, somewhat misguidedly, organised a sex toy party. It brought tears to the eyes, I can tell you!”

  Told Fenella I definitely wasn’t organising anything and shamefully admitted that I’d given very little thought to the imminent birth.

  Asked her if she thought it exposed an underlying jealousy or was I, perhaps, in denial?

  “Don’t talk such rot! Have you been at the Freud again? You simply have a life of your own and haven’t had time to dwell on the squealing, nappy-filling monster your sister’s about to bring into this world. Remember, we don’t want any more babies, Libby. Just play the doting auntie and relish that you can always babysit and hand the baby back.”

  Nodded in agreement but silently felt there was still something lacking in my life.

  Friday 24th April AM

  Attacked the Pound Shop with Fenella. Goodness, she’s like a whirling dervish when she gets in there. No bog cleaner, kitchen roll or tube of KY jelly escapes her eager eye. No pensioner is safe as she barges from shelf to shelf in a manner I would imagine she’s acquired from the first-day jostle of the Harrods sale.

  Came away with fantastic burgundy and gold candles, proper fabric napkins and some stunning gold foliage for Ella-Louise’s dinner party.

  “Imagine the mark up we can make on this lot”, Fenella enthused as she packed her own bounty into the car - kitchen scissors, dog biscuits, fabric softener and 200 pads of yellow post-it-notes. “Can’t imagine how I survived in my pre-Pound-Shop days! You were truly sent from heaven to guide me to its doors.”

  Fenella’s about the only person I know who could wax lyrical about the Pound Shop.

  PM

  To Nic & Rick’s tonight so Mum and Bert arrived to babysit at about seven.

  This time Bert was clutching the ‘Last Tango in Paris’ DVD in his hand.

  Wonder if he’s trying to spark Mum’s interest in shenanigans? Shall be checking the fridge later for butter supply.

  Saturday 25th April

  Bless Nic & Rick. They were so sweet last night and said that they’d be more than happy to help us out with the September fees if we’re stuck.

  We both thanked them profusely (me crying quite a bit) and said that we really couldn’t take them up on their offer. In fact, we’ve finally decided to approach Hinge & Bracket and find out if any help can be made available to us.

  Not looking forward to our meeting with them next Friday but am consoling myself that there’s a lottery draw tonight and another next Wednesday.

  Also, Nic gave me a book on ‘Cosmic Ordering’ so I now spend a great deal of time chatting to the Cosmos and placing my polite requests - a bit like a mail order catalogue but on a grander scale and nobody sticks you on hold on a premium rate line.

  Am not being greedy - have asked for a modest 50K to make us comfortable. Of course, anything else would be a bonus but just can’t allow myself to ask for more.

  Thank you Cosmos, in advance. I’ll hold …

  Sunday 26th April

  Praise the Lord and saints above! We won sixty quid on the lottery last night - four numbers!

  This Cosmos lark is fantastic. Always had my doubts about the old Feng Shui business, and have now tidied ‘Steptoe’s Yard’, but am keeping ‘Fortune’ because s/he’s pretty.

  It’s actually a huge relief to not have to put the loo seat down every time - especially in the middle of the night. Have had the unpleasant experience of a semi-comatose pee on a lid that was still down and just last week I got back out of bed just to check I wasn’t at risk of letting our finances gurgle down the pan.

  Just to ensure complete and continuing success, I’ve also started to tap in to my guardian angel - as advised by Rick. He’s convinced his is called ‘Running River’, a fantastically good-looking red Indian chief. Nic says he’s confusing it with a porn video they watched recently. Ned just cringed.

  Think my angel may be called Raphael - don’t know why but just seemed to come to me in a flash of light and Rick says that must mean I’m very tuned in.

  Must remember not to talk to Raphael when in Waitrose. Being barred from Starbucks is enough for any Manor House Mummy in a lifetime.

  Monday 27th April

  Fenella called me eager to discuss the menu ‘Naughty Mummy’ had emailed to her.

  It read:

  ‘Can’t quite believe I have given birth to such a common little girl but her requests are as follows:

  Ella-Louise’s Four-Course Birthday Dinner Party

  Bread sticks with ketchup and squeezy cheese

  Fried bacon, sausages, eggs and baked beans

  Jelly, blancmange and chocolate sprinkles

  Krispy Kreme doughnuts

  Coke, Fanta and Sprite

  Would ask that details of this menu are not made public knowledge. Please ensure that, where possible, organic only products are used.

  Would also be grateful if you could now ‘man’ the party from 7 - 9pm as my nanny, Anushka, isn’t the brightest button in the box and I’m slightly concerned about a group of rambunctious 11 year olds running wild in my house. Will of course pay for your time and look forward to receiving your invoice.’

  Fenella only just managed to stop herself laughing to read it to me. When she had eventually got through it she spluttered, “We’re going to be dinner ladies churning out fry-ups for posh kids in ball gowns. What fun! Shall we wear granny aprons and little hair nets?”

  Thought how sad it was that an eleven year old
girl’s dream party was to be allowed a fry-up but managed to put it to the back of my mind when we started totting up the figures.

  Tuesday 28th April AM

  Have worked out that the ‘Fry Up’ party will be a nice little earner, but it won’t make a massive difference to our bank balance - just have to believe that the Cosmos and the angels are doing their thing.

  Had a quick chat to Olga this morning. She’s now decided she’s not a lesbian after all - think the free drinks may have run dry at her local - and has set her sights on the gardener who comes twice a week. “I vood like to make him come a few more times, if I had my vicked vay. And of course, it’s perfect because no one is at home ven he is dere so ve can shag verever and venever ve like. Zis is vun hanky-panky Lydia-Boss Lady can’t put de kibosh on!”

  If I know Olga, Lydia’s garden is in danger of becoming seriously neglected - she’s a girl who always gets her man (or woman).

  Back to the vet with Bazzer and it’s not looking good. Mrs S had been in denial about his age and the vet worked out he’s probably about twenty-two. He explained that this was a fantastic age for a budgie but he was probably nearing his end. All too much for Mrs S as she took the now almost bald Bazzer home for his final days.

  Unavoidably time to bite the bullet and call Pritesh.

  PM

  Spoke to Lou briefly tonight and she’s decided not to send Finn to nursery but just wait until he’s old enough for school.

  Asked her if she thought this was wise as, being an only child like Max, he’d enjoy the company of other kids.

  “I don’t care, Lib. I cannae send him to any of the nurseries aroond here. They’re just not secure and I’d ne’er forgive maself if anything happened to him. Anyway, Libs. I’d better go. Overspent a bit this week on the food shop and I think I may have to deliver a wee bit of marital delights, if yeh get ma drift?”

  So we all do it then? Just on a different scale - food bills for Lou and buying up half of Harrods for Fenella.

  What a conniving bunch we are!

  Wednesday 29th April AM

  Spoke to Elle this morning. The hospital have just determined that the baby’s breech so she’s booked in for a caesarean tomorrow. Thinks she’s quite relieved she hasn’t got to go through the whole giving birth business. I was quite surprised she hadn’t booked herself in electively beforehand so that it could all be nicely sandwiched between meetings and conference calls.

  Fenella had told me about one of the mums at the school (‘Horrid Mummy’) who’d had an elective caesarean at the Portland on a specified date so that she’d be recovered enough to go on a cruise two weeks later, leaving the baby with a Norland nanny. “The only way to recover after the trauma of childbirth.”

  Asked Elle when she was thinking of returning to work.

  “Rob thinks I should wait and see how I feel about becoming a mum. He reckons I won’t find it quite so easy to just hand over to a full time nanny and become the corporate bitch again. Frankly, I don’t have a clue and I guess I’m lucky that he’d be able to support us if I do go all ga-ga and mumsy.”

  Not something I could see happening, frankly, but I suppose stranger things have happened. For instance, Gestapo actually smiled at me this morning! The nasty side of me wondered what she was after but the good side smiled back.

  PM

  Showed Ned the gorgeous outfits I’d bought for the baby - thank heavens for Asda.

  Had a bit of a teary moment wandering the aisles but I didn’t let on to Ned. Such tiny babygrows and vests and so many pretty outfits for baby girls. Felt a stab in my heart as I realised I’d probably never have a daughter and Max would never know the joy of a sibling.

  Managed to remain very brave and up-beat as I showed my bargains to Ned. He almost set me off though when he held up a diddy little jacket and commented, “It’s a shame we only ever had Maxie, hey?”

  And he pulled me in to his arms.

  Thursday 30th April

  Baby Grace born!

  Went to see my new niece and, although I’m biased, she’s totally gorgeous.

  Was dreading seeing her and finding that all I could feel was resentment, but really shouldn’t have worried as I instantly felt a rush of love for the new addition to our family.

  Max said she looked a bit cross and that he hoped she didn’t think she was going to be able to boss him around when she got a bit older. “Cos I’ll always be her big cousin, won’t I Mummy?”

  Think he’s very excited about having another child as company but don’t think he’s realised that she’ll seem very boring for a good while before he can actually do anything with her. Still, the big bonus is that he can finally join in with talk about his cousin.

  Have a feeling the phrase “My cousin Grace,” may be heard quite a few times at school in the next few days.

  With all the excitement of the last few days, forgot to mention I met Pritesh for a coffee yesterday. Yes, I really did forget and I’m not trying to hide anything. I told Ned anyway so I can’t be accused of being underhanded or anything. Had to be done for Mrs S’s sake and no other reason.

  Why do I need to justify myself anyway? It just felt quite nice to be away from all the money worries and in the company of a man who finds me attractive who isn’t my husband. Far too in love with Ned to ever consider an affair but I can dream can’t I?

  Slightly worried that I seem to be doing rather a lot of that lately. Must be all the stress. Rather a more pleasant way of dealing with it than losing my feathers, I suppose.

  Friday 1st May AM

  Meeting with Hinge & Bracket

  Too nervous to consider anything other than a coffee and then broke my golden rule and had a ciggie before nine o’clock.

  Fenella called to wish us luck and invited us over tonight - got the distinct feeling that her unspoken words were “to either celebrate or commiserate.”

  Just hope the Cosmos is feeling particularly tuned in to me today.

  PM

  Not the news we were hoping to hear.

  ‘H&B’ were lovely. Very sympathetic and understanding but,

  “As much as we would hate to lose such a bright and charming boy as little Max, CCL is at full capacity right now and is, sadly, unable to support another child. Of course, should the situation change, we would be only too delighted to offer assistance through your financial difficulties. So sorry the news couldn’t have been better.”

  That’s it then. If something doesn’t turn up soon, we’ll have to withdraw him from the private sector and send him to the under-performing local junior.

  Ned suggested it might be wise to get his name down for a place now so that we know we’re OK for September if necessary.

  Refuse to even consider that as an option and told Ned as much in a very stroppy fashion.

  Cancelled F&J as too cranky to inflict myself on anyone.

  Drank a bottle of cheap wine that tasted like battery acid, smoked too many fags and went to bed a very miserable woman.

  Bloody Cosmos!

  DELIVERY

  (WITH PAIN RELIEF)

  Monday 11th May

  Just realised how funny it is that my teenage diaries were filled with endless scribbles during times of angst and drama but as an adult I find it virtually impossible to put pen to paper when I’m feeling so down.

  Yep, the last nine days were pretty low ones. I know Ned’s feeling it just as much, if not more, and it’s so hard having nothing to console each other with.

  Poor Bazzer also met his maker last week and Mrs S is in a very bad way. She held a little ceremony in her garden - attended by us, Pritesh and the Skunk family. Sure I could hear Bazzer having a little budgie chuckle at the assembled motley crew. The ‘wake’ was, of course, Babycham and Manilow but the solemnity with which Skunk and Mrs S sang a tribute of “This One’s for You” was genuinely touching.

  Was slightly cheered by the gossip on the gates surrounding the Gnome’s disastrous treasure hunt. It would seem sh
e managed to lose three kids and another was bitten by a stray dog. The park police got involved in the search and an ambulance was called in to deal with the bite.

  Fenella said she’d heard from another mother that they’d all been given a serious dressing down by the police and told that they’d acted extremely irresponsibly.