Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  Thursday 21st May

  Phone call from the school today. CCL will be happy to support Max, “until such time as our financial situation should change”.

  Can’t believe how fortunate we’ve been and, even better, they feel it’s fairer to Max to keep the matter private. Also, I got the feeling they don’t want every Tom, Dick or Harry affected by the credit crunch thinking they’ll instantly qualify for assistance.

  Of course, those mothers on the CCL board would be aware of our situation but I was assured of their discretion and that the information would be kept strictly confidential.

  So now I don’t even need to worry about everyone knowing and feeling like I’m the goss on the gates.

  Quickly called Fenella to fill her in. “Oh, Sweedie! I’m so pleased for you. I don’t know what I’d have done if you’d said you had to leave. Just wouldn’t be the same without you. Who knows, the Meemies might have got me under their evil spell.”

  Could never see Fenella as ‘one of them’. She has all the necessary trappings - the plum in the mouth, the house, the car, the clothes, the holidays and, most importantly, the super successful hubbie. But she lacks the major two essentials - taking yourself too seriously and firmly believing that the world revolves around you.

  It’s taken a while but I think I’ve finally got them sussed and, in doing so, have also found out something about myself.

  As much as I want to feel like I belong, and the trappings would be a bonus, I don’t want to be like them at all.

  Friday 22nd May AM

  Break up for half term and puppies’ birthday.

  Gloriously sunny day, tempting us with the hint of summer to come.

  Sent a rather formal email to Pritesh - don’t want him to get the wrong idea - asking if he had noticed any changes in his mother’s demeanour. I’d popped in for a coffee with her yesterday and Skunk’s right, she doesn’t seem to be her usual chirpy self although Desmond is doing his best to compensate.

  Ned in very good mood as he has an interview next week and this time he knows the Chief Exec. “Who knows, Lib. We might end up not needing CCL and we’ll be able to pay our own way again. I can feel the winds of change.”

  Asked him if he thought my dealings with the Cosmos et al had anything to do with it.

  Didn’t like the way he threw his head back and laughed, “Yeah, right Lib!”

  But I won’t let him dampen my lovely pre-holiday feel. Yet again F&J are off for the break, this time to Naples, and we’ll be stuck on a London staycation but, for the first time in a long while, I felt an easy sense of calm.

  Things will work out - I just know they will.

  MISCONCEPTION

  Friday 12th June AM

  Manor House Cocktail Party

  The May break passed quickly, as have the first couple of weeks of term. The park’s so much more fun when the sun’s shining and I look positively blooming. Even Ned commented this morning and I’m really looking forward to wearing my new bargain bucket dress tonight - even if it does make my boobs look a tad bigger than usual.

  Fenella not looking so great after their break - she was struck with a bug and spent most of the time in Naples throwing up or “crapping for Britain!”

  We’ve got a few jobs booked - two ‘Fry Up’s’ (word got round, thanks Ella-Louise!) and a quiz night for half a dozen ten year olds - we’ve left the questions to Ned to sort out!

  Pritesh replied that he was aware of the situation with his mum and was currently discussing the possibility of sheltered housing with her. What did I think and did I want to meet to discuss? Obviously, I don’t want to lose her as a neighbour but I do want what’s best for her - definitely not necessary to meet though.

  Ned’s been asked back for a third interview next week (why do the corporate wheels turn so slowly?) but it’s all looking very promising. It’s a role he feels very comfortable with, great salary, substantial bonuses and a company car.

  Don’t care what he says, I think my so called ‘mumbo-jumbo’ has to be given some credit!

  PM

  Back from the Cocktail party and, as usual, wondering why we bothered. F&J agreed, so it’s not just me being bitter and twisted.

  Suffered the requisite polite talk - becoming quite an expert at nodding in all the right places and adding a “How lovely,” or “No, we didn’t manage to get away this half term.”

  Found ourselves with a clutch of Seedling Mothers, Gestapo and the Gnome included. Gestapo had again helped herself to a few too many glasses of bubbly and she was finding it increasingly difficult to balance on her, slightly worn, Manolo’s.

  “So neither of you have been caught by the Seedlings curse then?” She slurred at Fenella and me.

  Seeing our confused looks she giggled, “Did no one tell you? Oops, how deceitful of us! For the past three years one of the Seedlings reps has fallen pregnant. That’s why none of us wanted to do it. Well, that and the fact that’s it’s such a shitty job!” She hiccupped loudly and teetered off for another drink.

  Fenella and I looked at one another and burst out laughing. I eventually spluttered, “So that’s what Letchy was on about! Well they picked the wrong two this year then, didn’t they? One relies on IVF and the other’s used up her egg quota. What a pity to disappoint them!”

  The evening didn’t continue on quite such a high once we found ourselves talking to Imogen, head of CCL, and a clique of mothers from her class.

  “So Libby. Can we rely on you to come up with some fantastic fund raising ideas for us next year?”

  When I explained that, I wasn’t on the fund raising committee but had only been involved through the Christmas fair, she raised an eyebrow and looked at me as if I were a petulant teenager.

  “Dear me, Libby, I felt for sure you’d be prepared to give up some of your time for such a good cause. Especially now that you are rather in CCL’s debt.”

  Fenella’s sharp intake of breath was audible as I felt Imogen’s words like a slap to my face.

  “Ah, so you’re the new family that CCL are supporting,” piped up one of the cronies. “Oh, I’m so pleased to meet you firsthand to see where our money goes. A marvellous idea to help people like yourselves.”

  For once Fenella was left speechless and, I think, probably for the best. Who knows what may have burst forth from her mouth had she not been muted by the shock.

  CCL committee the height of discretion? My arse!

  Saturday 13th June

  Felt decidedly sick after last night. Combination of too much booze, too much food (we ended up at Pizza Express again with F&J) and too much Manor House bitching.

  F&J feel we should have a quiet word with Hinge & Bracket about Imogen’s insensitivity.

  “After all Lib, she represents the school and her blatant disregard for other people’s feelings isn’t what Manor House is all about. Yes, there are some hateful cows there but the school itself churns out well-balanced, bright kids, despite the influence of some of the parents.”

  Feels a bit like telling tales out of school, but my conscience won’t allow Imogen to get away with it. She’d made me feel very awkward and I’ll be damned if I let her do it to anyone else.

  The worm is about to turn.

  Well when it stops feeling sick, it will!

  Sunday 14th June

  Still not feeling a hundred percent. Hope I’m not coming down with Fenella’s lurgy, as she says it hangs around for ages and has left her feeling decidedly under par.

  Spent a lazy day in the garden, mentally piecing together snippets of dialogue for our meeting with H&B.

  Know I’m about to make myself unpopular but can’t sit back and do nothing.

  Had an early night and dreamt I was tied naked to the school gates and the Meemies were throwing pennies at me.

  Doesn’t take a dream analyst to work that one out!

  Monday 15th June AM

  Was on the receiving end of some rather pitying looks from Imogen and her cohort th
is morning. They actually did me a favour as it helped strengthen my resolve to do something about them.

  Luckily Jenny was in the office and, when I told her our reasons for booking an appointment, she whispered, “What a horrid woman! I’m with you, something needs to be said. I’m going to squeeze you in for a two- thirty this afternoon, then you’ll be done in time to pick up Max. Good luck and let me know how it goes.”

  Spent the intervening hours on and off the loo - why do I get so nervous? Ned, of course, is as cool as a cucumber and taking the whole thing in his stride. “We just tell it as it is, Lib. Imogen abused her position by disclosing personal information to others. Simple!”

  Then why do I feel like such a snitch?

  PM

  Needn’t have worried at all and now know we did the right thing.

  H&B were very interested in my conversation with Imogen and, although composed, Hinge looked frightfully stern and appeared to be giving ‘knowing looks’ to Bracket before beginning.

  “We are so sorry that your confidence has been betrayed and that you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable and, of course, you were right to bring it to our attention. Strictly between us, we have had minor reports of Mrs Bradshaw’s previous indiscretions and have been monitoring her behaviour closely. Your encounter throws further light on the situation and we need to consider our next course of action.”

  I went on to add, “Of course we’re extremely grateful to CCL, and I’m sure the other families are too, but beneficiaries should be treated with respect and not made to feel like second class citizens. There’s no point in CCL existing if the children and parents are constantly reminded of their charitable status.”

  Bracket smiled, “And that’s exactly the way CCL should be run - with sensitivity and the objectivity to treat everyone as an equal.”

  Hinge agreed, “Indeed, your attitude and devoted commitment to the Christmas fair and fund raising are exactly the qualities we appreciate and encourage here at Manor House.”

  “Now, if you’ll leave it with us we have some talking to do and decisions to make but, we can assure you, Mrs Bradshaw will be dealt with in an appropriate manner.” Bracket shuffled her papers, indicating that the meeting was over.

  Felt really good as we waited at the school gates for Max. Justice would be done and Imogen would, hopefully, be brought down a peg or two. Had also rather enjoyed their praise and was suffering a little from ‘swollen-headitis’!

  Me, the type of mother they want at Manor House?

  Now there’s a turn up for the books!

  Tuesday 16th June AM

  Had a swift and garbled phone message from Jenny when I got back from school drop off. From what I could make out, Imogen had been called to a meeting with H&B after school yesterday. It had culminated in raised voices and a flaming red faced Imogen exiting swiftly.

  Called Fenella to give her the latest and agreed to go for a long walk with the dogs - both feeling sluggish and thought it would do us good.

  “You did the right thing,” Fenella puffed as we trudged across the common. “I bet by the time Max leaves at eleven, you’ll have been made chair of the parent/teachers committee, CCL head and the general face of Manor House. There won’t be a bitch or a loose-tongue at the school because you’ll have weeded them all out. With my help of course!”

  Had to laugh as I imagined us in charge of the Manor House selection process. Gone would be the unspoken ‘How intelligent is your child?’ or ‘What is your household income?’ It would just be a case of ‘Can you honestly tick the ‘I am a nice person’ box’?

  If only life were so simple.

  PM

  Jenny and Colin arrived unannounced with a bottle of bubbly.

  “She’s gone!” Jenny was flushed with excitement. “Pulled the kids out there and then and walked out. Even forfeited her deposits.”

  When Ned and I looked puzzled and begged that she slow down, Colin took over. “’Imogen-Bloody-Waggle-Tongue-Bradshaw’ was unable to take the humiliation of a dressing down from the Heads and has removed her brats from the school. You’ve managed to rid the school of one of the monsters who used to make my life hell. So we come bearing bubbly and a huge sloppy smacker from me!”

  With that, Colin pulled me into a bear hug and kissed me on the cheek. “All you need to do now is get rid of a few choice others and the school might be bearable.”

  Jenny disagreed, “No, there’d need to be a much bigger culling than that but at least with the likes of Libby there’s a possibility of it becoming a nicer place.” And she raised her glass in a toast, “To Libby!”

  Oh God, what have we started?

  Wednesday 17th June AM

  Really wasn’t looking forward to school drop today as I was convinced that tongues would be wagging and manicured fingers pointing.

  As it happened it was a pretty quiet morning, other than a teary Gestapo and the Gnome having another discussion on the wall.

  Froze slightly as I saw one of the CCL trustees approach me but then saw that she was beaming. “Libby, I wonder if I could have a quick word?”

  I stopped and turned to face her, expecting the worst.

  “We just wanted to let you know how much we admire your courage in dealing with Imogen. None of us have ever had the guts to do it and she’s made life extremely difficult for us at times. Now she’s gone we can get on and do our jobs. You should be feeling very proud of yourself.”

  Think I mumbled, “Oh it was nothing,” and “You’re very welcome” but was having trouble assimilating this revelation and just wanted to get home and talk to Ned or Fenella or the milkman or anyone.

  Since when did the Manor House spotlight get turned onto me and when would the bloody thing be switched off?

  PM

  Ned said it was like anything at the school - soon there’d be new gossip and everyone’s attention would turn to that.

  “It’ll all blow over soon, Lib. And it’s not as if people are saying bad things. We’ve done the school a favour.”

  Could understand his reasoning but just want someone else to become the object of scrutiny. Thought I’d done my stint with the coffee shop incident and it doesn’t sit well with me.

  Here’s to the quiet life.

  Thursday 18th June

  Frantic call from Fenella this morning, demanding that we meet for coffee immediately. “Important goss and I’ll burst if I don’t offload it soon.”

  Met at a little coffee shop in Wimbledon Village which, as yet, is unaware of our ASBO status. Made Fenella promise to be on her best behaviour as I couldn’t bear a repeat of Potty-Gate and didn’t feel my reputation could stand it.

  Fenella was already settled in the corner with our lattes, desperate to fill me in.

  “Oh Libby, I feel so guilty because I didn’t mean to ear-wig but you know what it’s like when you just can’t tear yourself away from something juicy.”

  Told her she was rambling and asked her to get to the point.

  “I stopped to look at the school notice board outside the library and noticed Gestapo and the Gnome were in there. Gestapo was saying that she’d spoken to Hinge & Bracket about assistance from CCL and they’d turned her down because they were at full capacity. The Gnome was being all sympathetic and hugging her. It was just sick-making.”

  Agreed that it must be awful for Gestapo and said I felt slightly guilty that we’d managed to get to CCL at just the right time.

  “Oh Libby. What is wrong with you? Don’t you see the irony of it all? They were both totally opposed to CCL but, as soon as it’s one of them who needs assistance, it’s OK. I think it’s karma in the most perfect sense.”

  Realised it did make them the biggest hypocrites going but I still didn’t like to think of Gestapo’s suffering.

  I know what that feels like and also how much courage it takes to ask for help. Gestapo would have had to eat a much bigger serving of humble pie and I didn’t envy her at all.

  Knew there was no
point in voicing this to Fenella as I would just have been branded a soppy cow.

  Well, I may be but I can’t help the way I feel.

  Friday 19th June

  Looks like Gestapo has now replaced me in the spotlight as she made rather a spectacle of herself at the school gates this afternoon.

  Sadly I was there with Fenella and Olga to witness it and it didn’t make for pleasant viewing.

  I can only imagine she’d had a rather liquid lunch as she was slurring and very unsteady on her feet. The Gnome was with her and, had she truly been a friend, would have dragged her from the situation before she managed to embarrass herself further.