Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

by Amanda Egan

  Ned’s in a state of shock and has just downed his second stiff brandy.

  We’ve been left around three quarters of a million pounds and a villa in Tuscany.

  Friday 26th June AM

  Didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. Partly terrified that I would wake up and find it had all been a sick joke and partly because I can’t decide between a Hermes Birkin or a modest Dolce & Gabbana.

  Joke!

  Both Ned and I were quite restrained over breakfast this morning, having wavered between euphoria and disbelief so many times last night. Think we’re both quietly trying to come to terms with what this actually means to us. At the moment it’s just a figure and an unknown property but I think the reality will soon start to hit us and once we start jumping for joy, we may never stop.

  Called in at Fenella’s on the way back from school and filled her in.

  “Holy, fucking hot camel shit, Lib. OH MY GOD! It just couldn’t have come at a better time could it? That’s unbelievable!”

  Told her about my Hermes Birkin/Dolce & Gabbana dilemma and we laughed like drains and knocked back a brandy each at half nine in the morning.

  Have to admit it settled my tummy nicely.

  PM

  As if Ned doesn’t have enough to get his head around - he’s been offered the job! Not only that, but they’ve asked if he’d mind leaving it until September before starting, although they’ll pay him a retainer.

  The Cosmos really has been working overtime in our department!

  Which means … we have the whole of the summer to sort out ‘our affairs’ (how posh!) and to visit our villa in Tuscany to see if we want to keep it on or sell up and possibly buy elsewhere.

  Oooh, listen to me! I sound like a proper ‘Manor Houser’ now!

  Saturday 27th June

  Mrs S now well on the road to recovery and probably home in a couple of weeks. Pritesh apologised for his badly misjudged pass and said that he’d have words with his mum about dropping the whole matchmaking business. He then had the cheek to ask me if I’d pass his mobile number to Gestapo as he‘d been chatting to her at the Christmas fair and found the ice queen act “vindaloo hot”.

  Not quite sure that Mrs S will approve but, thankfully, that’s not my problem. Felt a bit miffed by his choice and also that I could be replaced quite so easily but, hey, I’ll still have my dreams.

  Had lunch with Ned and Max at a very upmarket restaurant in Mayfair. Because we could!

  Not that we intend to make a habit of it, but we just wanted to see what it felt like - Ned almost had a coronary when he saw the bill before remembering we could afford it.

  Walked along to Knightsbridge and popped into Harvey Nicks - as one does! Bought myself a new handbag and it’s not a designer label and didn’t cost many thousands of pounds but … I liked it. Simple! It cost me one hundred and twenty-seven pounds and it’s more than I’ve ever spent on a handbag in my life. It’s now been named ‘The Maisie Bag’ and, if it’s possible to love a bag, I love it with all my heart.

  Realised that we’ll need to let the school know of our changed status regarding CCL - how utterly ironic to think that, through my windfall, Gestapo may benefit.

  Ned and I have agreed that we’d also like to donate a year’s fees to CCL - seems only right and proper and I’m sure Auntie Maisie would approve.

  Managed to pluck up the courage to ring Mum and break the news of my good fortune to her. Think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard her swear. She ended the conversation with, “Well bugger me, Libby. The silly little mare came through in the end!”

  Sunday 28th June AM

  Lovely family day at home, pottering about in the garden, playing with Lego and having a Sunday roast.

  Think it was just what we needed after the excitement of the last few days.

  Keep finding Ned in various places in the house, smiling, shaking his head and rubbing his chin in disbelief.

  Also caught myself doing exactly the same thing - wonder when the shock will wear off?

  PM

  Stroked my ‘Maisie Bag’ goodnight and put it on the dressing table so that I could see it first thing in the morning.

  I’m posh!

  Monday 29th June AM

  Think the reality is slowly hitting now and we’re beginning to realise how this can change our lives.

  Still feel a bit shaky every time I think about it. In fact, I’ve been feeling a bit odd for a while now and not just since we came into money.

  And throughout the whole of our celebratory weekend, I only had about three glasses of wine. It just doesn’t seem to taste the same.

  OH MY GOD … I’ve just remembered the last time I went off wine and that was six years ago.

  I’d go and have a fag if I didn’t think it would make me feel even more off colour.

  Think a trip to the chemist might be in order.

  PM

  Once again, numb in renewed disbelief. Just as our previous bad luck came in a run, our amazing good fortune is compensating …. after all these years of trying, and just when I’d accepted the fact that I’m probably too old, I go and get pregnant!

  Don’t know who’s in more shock, me or Ned. He’s just had a stiff brandy (hope this isn’t becoming a habit) and I’m on the milky tea - the only tipple my body seems to crave at the moment.

  I’m actually going to have another baby! Max will have a brother or a sister, although we don’t intend to tell him yet. And I’ll never again have to hear the question, “Oh did you only want one?” And what’s more, we can afford it.

  Oh shit, what will I tell Fenella? She’ll probably never want to speak to me again. She’ll think she’s lost her drinking buddy and that I’ll go all ga-ga talking about cracked nipples and loose vaginal muscles.

  I’m sure she’ll come around to the idea though but, hey, what do I care? I’M PREGNANT!

  Managed a quick visit to the hospital to share the happy news with Mrs S, but she was still hopeful enough to take it to the Twilight Zone. Don’t think Pritesh can have had his little chat yet as the first question she asked was, “Could it be being my Pritesh’s baby, Libbybeta?”

  Confusion or mischief?

  Tuesday 30th June AM

  CCL meeting with H&B

  Arrived for our nine o’clock appointment with H&B and caught a quick glimpse of Fenella hopping in to her car. Thought she spotted us too but she didn’t acknowledge us - maybe she didn’t have her contacts in?

  Felt very swish sitting in H&B’s office with my new ‘Maisie Bag’ and pouring out our story. They were clearly delighted for us and even more so when we told them of our offer to contribute to CCL.

  “Oh, Mr & Mrs Marchant. That is so generous of you and we will, of course, accept your very kind offer,” Hinge twittered.

  Bracket then smiled coyly, “Of course this does alter matters slightly regarding your position within CCL. Now that there would be no conflict of interest, would it be presumptuous of us to ask if you would consider becoming CCL’s new head? We really can’t think of anyone more suitable.”

  Felt so flattered I told them straight away I’d be honoured. Although Ned did later question as to whether or not it would be something I would want to do once the baby comes. But I’ll worry about that then.

  I’m pregnant! I’m rich! (Well, by my standards) And I’m respected enough at Manor House to be asked to lead CCL.

  Things don’t get much better.

  PM

  Fenella definitely saw me as she left the school gates this afternoon but she just made a big show of being in a hurry and overly distracted with book bags and PE kit.

  Very strange! Must call her in the morning or pop round after drop off.

  Wednesday 1st July

  Managed to grab Fenella at the school gates and was surprised to see that she was looking particularly rough.

  Practically had to beg her to come back for coffee but when I told her I needed to talk, she agreed.

  She seemed
very nervy and quiet as we settled in the kitchen - not her normal bubbly self at all. When we both started to talk at the same time she quickly stuttered, “No, no after you.” All very formal and uncomfortable.

  When I insisted she spoke first, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to hear.

  “Oh, Sweedie. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve been avoiding you but I was just dreading telling you … you see the thing is …I’m pregnant. Please don’t hate me. Never been able to do it without help in the past and I know how much you’ve wanted another one and I’ve always poo-pooed the idea. It’s the bloody Seedlings Curse I tell you!”

  Remember sitting there in total shocked silence for a couple of seconds and then bursting into laughter.

  “The Seedlings Curse? Well it certainly hit the spot this year didn’t it?”

  “Oh, Libby please tell me that you’ll still be my friend. I promise not to talk about nipples or vaginas or anything. But I couldn’t bear it if you hated me.”

  Told her that I thought it would be just perfect for us to talk about our boobs and fannies and how much we were missing alcohol and soft cheese - couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather share the experience with.

  When she looked at me questioningly and asked, “How much we’re missing them?” I simply nodded my head and then we hugged for a very long time.

  Wait till the Seedling Mummies hear about this double whammy!

  Thursday 2nd July

  Break up for summer

  Attended end of term assembly feeling every inch the Manor House mummy in a new dress (charity shop, but old habits die hard and I liked it!) and carrying my ‘Maisie Bag’. Actually a couple of mothers who have never spoken to me before commented on it. Always thought the easiest way to make friends was to walk a dog but I’ve obviously missed the variation here at Manor House.

  Gestapo was looking much more relaxed, sitting next to the Gnome and chatting animatedly. H&B must have already given her the good news and I’m genuinely happy for her.

  Sat in the assembly hall with the sun streaming through onto the wooden floors and began looking forward to our holiday in Tuscany. Also found myself looking forward to bragging about our holiday in Tuscany and imagined myself at the school gates amongst a crowd of Meemies, “Oh yes, we’re off to our villa this summer, don’t you know! Not sure how long we’ll stay as we may decide to take a jaunt to France or Spain.”

  Immediately pulled myself back to reality. What the hell was that all about? I don’t brag and I certainly don’t say, “Don’t you know!” or “Take a jaunt”. God, at this rate I was in serious danger of becoming one of them.

  Begged my floating angel there and then to stop me in my tracks and beat me about the head with my ‘Maisie Bag’ (or Chloe, should I upgrade) if I was ever in danger of becoming as shallow as the majority of the Meemies. Can’t be that difficult to stay as ‘Good Old Libby’ with the same sense of morals and values, just a much healthier bank balance?

  When I was called on to the stage to be welcomed as the new head of CCL and “generous benefactor”, I’m sure I saw just a hint of a smile of thanks from Gestapo - could have been pregnancy hormones making me a bit soft though.

  It felt good to be basking in the admiration of all the mothers. After all, I’d craved their acceptance for so long. But, in that same moment, I saw Max’s proud little face beaming up at me and realised that I didn’t need their admiration or their acceptance, because I have so much more.

  I have a fantastic and loving family, great friends, a new baby to look forward to and money to start enjoying my life.

  A new life, a new beginning but definitely not a new me.

  Surely?