Holding Onto Hope (Crusaders MC Book 3)

by L. Grubb

  “Teddy is amazing. He’s probably worried sick about me though. We usually speak every single day and he pops over to the house with groceries for me a couple of times a week so I at least don’t starve to death. Working as a carer doesn’t earn me a lot of money. But I love the people.” I bite my lip. Fucking word vomit. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go on and on.”

  “No, no. I like hearing your voice. Even if it does sound quite melancholy.” He pauses, and I can feel his eyes burning a whole in the side of my head. “You can talk to me about anything, babe. Though, I’m not going to lie… I want to hunt down this Toby and fuck him up; see if he’ll pick on a person his own size.”

  I giggle, protective Mack is seriously hot. “He was a scrawny little shit, he’s half the size of you. He would probably shit his pants if you were to approach him. But look, he’s not worth the resources to hunt him down. I’d rather leave him in the past. I just needed to let you in on my past that isn’t on record.”

  “You never filed a complaint about him to the police? You could have got him sent away for a long time,” Mack comments, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a rush of air.

  “You don’t understand, Mack. He would have hunted me down and gutted me like a fish once he was released. I couldn’t risk my life just to see him put behind bars. He’s moved on and I’m hoping living far, far away from here. I’ve not seen him since Teddy kicked his ass.” I place a hand on his veiny forearm, shivering as electric shocks race up my arm. I give him a smile. “I’m no longer a victim, I’m a survivor.”

  “Wise words, babe.” Mack smiles at me before pulling me onto his lap and giving me a proper bear hug; one where my breath is stolen, and I can’t breathe. But being on his lap… I couldn’t think of a better place to be right now, especially after revealing the details of the one and only relationship I ever had. I’ve not been with anyone since Toby. I left him when I hit twenty-one, I’m now twenty-four so three years with no sex. No boyfriend. Nothing. He scarred my soul, maimed me, ruined my self-confidence and made me fear sex like a creepy crawly. It’s why I’ve never bothered trying to find another guy.

  “I’m sorry, I have no idea where all that came from. I’ve never told anyone I know now about Toby. All the friends I had then, I don’t speak to because they’re still friends with him, even though they knew exactly what he did to me.” I sigh dramatically. “I guess it’s been building, these words. I just needed someone to listen and believe me.”

  “Don’t worry what others think. As long as you’re happy, no one else matters.” Mack holds me, rubbing my back with one hand and the other resting on my hip. He smells good, of something musky along with the smell of man that makes any normal person sigh in bliss. Don’t get me wrong, his raw scent makes my knees weak, but sex to me is poison.

  “Am I happy though? I’ve had so many revelations thrown at me this week, I’m not really sure how I’m feeling.” And that’s the God’s honest truth. I have so many emotions swirling through me right now that I can’t differentiate one from another or which emotion is aimed at what.

  “How about not over-thinking everything? Live in the moment and maybe think about the fact you have it lucky. You were lucky we were looking out for you. Not many girls out there who go through what you have and come out alive. I know, I’ve seen it enough times and trust me, the guilt eats at me, but I can’t save everyone. Look, I’m going on and on. Let’s just plaster a smile on our faces and go eat breakfast.” I look up into Mack’s hardened face and he smirks at me. That smirk, with the added dimple, make me want to jump him but I can’t, my body physically won’t do it. And I hate Toby all the more for making me who I am today. Instead, I just smile at him and untangle myself.

  Standing at the end of the bed, I suddenly feel a little awkward. I’ve just told Mack, a virtual stranger, all about something that happened to me. I just bared my soul to this man. Why? I have no idea. Why do I feel the need to trust Mack when I hardly know the guy? What is it about him that my mind is drawn to? I can’t put my finger on it.

  “Come on. Breakfast before you waste away,” Mack says playfully, a smile gracing his full, bow-shaped lips. Lips that only minutes ago, were attached to mine. And what a kiss it was! My legs still feel like jelly, my panties feel wet and my heart is still pounding away in my chest. I can’t remember when I felt this way, or if I ever did.

  I smile at him and lead the way to the main room of the clubhouse, heading for a clear table near the glass sliding doors that lead to the yard outside.

  “I’ll go grab us a plate each. Anything you don’t like on a fry up?” Mack stands by the table as I take a seat.

  “No mushrooms or tomato. Thank you.” I fold my arms on the table as he nods and saunters off to the swinging doors leading to the kitchen behind the bar. I watch his ass, tight in his black jeans, disappear through the doors before turning to the window.

  The sun is shining amidst a brilliant blue sky and birds are chirping happily outside. A beautiful day yet I can feel the chill in the air. I notice the glass sliding doors are open, explaining why I can feel the coldness and looking over at the swinging seat I was on a few days ago, I see Ranger sat there, legs swinging, and a phone attached to his ear. His hands are animated so I can’t imagine what he’s talking about, not that it’s any of my business, I don’t really know the guy at all. But saying that, I don’t really know Mack either.

  I can feel the frown on my face as I battle with my thoughts. Mack is a hot guy, but not only that, he’s caring, he listens… really, he’s just a gentle giant underneath all that leather and tattoos. I wonder if anyone else sees him the way I do? Surely they do. I’m nothing special. I’m just a job after all, even if Mack assured me I wasn’t. Urgh, why is life so fucking complicated?

  I rest my chin on my left hand and sigh, staring out the window and watching the birds digging up worms.

  “Here we go,” Mack says from beside me.

  I jump about three feet into the air, scared shitless. “Did you have to sneak up on me like that? Jesus!” I put a hand to my heart which is beating thirty miles an hour, threatening to come through and land smack-dab onto my breakfast. I’ve lost count the amount of times my heart has pounded so hard today. If it carries on, I’m sure to have a heart attack.

  Mack has the nerve to laugh. “I don’t do sneaking, babe. You were lost in that pretty little head of yours that you didn’t hear me coming.”

  I roll my eyes before picking up the cutlery and digging in. I sigh as the heavenly food ravishes my taste buds. “Fuck me, this is amazing.”

  “I know. The lady who regularly cooks the food here used to be a world known Italian chef. She happened to hide away from the reporters and shit and married a brother, Fredrick, or Freddo as we all called him.” Mack takes on a faraway look and I raise my eyebrows at him.

  “What happened to Fredrick?” I ask, not really knowing whether I should have asked or not; not knowing if it was a touchy subject.

  “Died when we were on a run. His death is the reason I shot Lynx. I suspected he had a part in what went down back then and I honestly thought I’d shot him six feet under. But I guess he got lucky.” His voice, husky and deep with anger, hits me in the chest. The hurt on his face makes my heart ache and I reach out a hand and rest it on his. “He was one of my best friends.”

  “Oh, Mack.” I can feel my eyes getting watery even though I didn’t know this Freddo bloke; I can feel Mack’s pain. It’s never easy losing someone you care for so much. When I lost my mum, I wanted to die too; and I came pretty fucking close to joining her.

  “Jessika is now Grizz’s Old Lady, but we’ll still get our revenge, Hope, don’t you worry. And he’s really fucking pushed my buttons this time when he took you from right under ours noses.” I swear he growls underneath his words and even though he’s fully pissed off right now, he’s hotter than ever. “Next time, I won’t miss his stupid little fucking head. That’s a promise.” With that, he picks up his k
nife and fork and digs into his pile of food.

  My hand is left cold and empty on the table next to his plate and I remove it quickly, eating my food while repeating his words in my head. I should be absolutely petrified of him and what he’s capable of, but I’m not. If I could shoot cancer in the damn face I would, so deep down, I understand completely with how he feels.

  Mack

  My thoughts are dark and stormy, flowing together in one giant cyclone of fucked up mess. I keep my eyes rivetted to my food, fearing that looking at Hope, touching her hand, anything, and I’ll explode. The last thing I want to do, is take my shit out on her when she’s done nothing wrong. She’s the victim, we all are really. I bet Lynx has really been laughing like hell at us, mentally telling us ‘fuck you’.

  But before I can deal with Lynx and his dumbass friends, I have to deal with Pike. It’s been painstakingly hard to keep a clear head around him, to remember that he doesn’t know that we know about his emails to our enemy. He doesn’t know that we had an emergency meeting while I sent his sorry arse on a pointless run. He doesn’t know what we’ve got planned, and it’s only a matter of hours before he will know. That’s what’s sticking to my mind right now, like shit to a shoe; it stinks and doesn’t come away so easy. He has my mind in fucking tatters.

  In a club like ours, loyalty is everything and that prick knows it too. How he’s managed not to let on about anything, I don’t know. The emails are still flowing between him and Lynx, emails with intricate details on Hope and myself. This shit needs to stop. Lynx already knows enough about this club.

  Rexx has already put a silent wall in place; Pike thinks he’s sending his emails, but they’re not really being sent even though it says they have. Rexx is a fucking genius. Pike’s and Lynx’s connection has severed; as far as we know. We don’t have his phone to snoop at so we have to keep on our toes at all times and lockdown is still firmly in place.

  “Prez?” I shake my head and frown before looking up to my right. “Need a word, mate.” Ranger is stood there with a frown matching my own, with a look of worry in his eyes.

  Looking at Hope, I notice her plate is cleared and she’s staring out the window with her head on her chin. “I’ll be back.” She doesn’t even bat an eyelash.

  I scrape the chair back and walk toward my office with Ranger leading the way. I scrub a hand over the scruff on my face, wondering what the hell was so important that it had to pull me away from food. And Hope, who looked to forlorn, lost, that I wanted to stay and say ‘fuck off’ to Ranger. Ranger’s worried expression won out though.

  Entering my office, we take our usual seats; me on my chair behind the desk and Ranger on the sofa. “So, what’s so important that I had to leave my breakfast behind?” I ask him, glaring at him.

  “Lynx has been spotted, man. And you’re not gonna like who he was seen with either.” Ranger’s eyes don’t stay on mine, he looks everywhere but at me.

  “Spit it out, Ranger.” I can feel my heart pounding harder as adrenaline starts to rush in. Though I can’t imagine who he’d been seen with that would bother me so much. Pike hasn’t left since his run to Essex so it’s not him.

  “Your mum. Pauline.” Ranger’s head rests against the back of the sofa, eyes scrunched shut waiting for the blow he thinks will come from me.

  “Pauline? Interesting.” Interesting indeed. How the fuck does my junkie mother know Lynx? What’s more worrying is I now remember her words from her last attempt at being here and calling me ‘son’. “Remember when she was here last time? This is what she said; ‘You’ll never hear the end of this, son. The end of your club is coming and I’ll be laughing on your grave.’ I laughed it off then because she’s a nobody; a street worker and junkie. Now I think I’m starting to understand why she said that. I have a feeling she’s in with Lynx and his cronies. I’m sure they think she’ll be able to help bring us down. Usually, I give her money to get her off my back but I don’t think she really realises yet that I’ve completely given up any hope of her pulling her shit together and she’s not getting another penny of my money. I don’t think Lynx realises the extent of our non-existent relationship either.”

  “Yeah, I remember her saying that now. I didn’t take much notice at the time either. I mean, she was pissed you didn’t give her money for her smack so I just thought it was her usual snappy, petty, self. I didn’t once think those words could ring true.” Ranger scrubs his hands up and down his face and when he removes them, placing them back on his knees, I realise just how tired he is; eyes sunken with purple bags underneath and his laugh lines that are usually present around his mouth are fading. “Mack, what are we going to do?”

  “We deal with Pike tonight, and we’ll have Church in the morning to see what we can do about Lynx. I think this shit is about to get messy, Ranger.” I sigh and hang my head to my chest. “I need to get back to Hope. At the moment, I’m worried if she’s out of my sight then she’ll be gone and I can’t have that, not now.”

  “You like her don’t you, Prez?” Ranger smirks, his eyes suddenly all twinkly. “And don’t deny it, mate. It’s written all over your face.”

  I throw my hands in the air and let them drop into my lap. “For fuck sake, yes I like her. Why is it any of your business?”

  “Just making an observation, buddy.” His smile grows wider as he stands, stretches and then makes a move toward the door. “I’d act on it before she slips through your fingers.”

  “Fuck off,” I mutter to his back. I have a grin on my face though because I can’t remember the last time I liked a woman. I mean, really liked a woman; not just for sex. But it’s more the case of if she likes me. I’m not anything special, yeah I have muscles, but it’s not all about looks, right? Fuck me, where is this shit coming from? Snap out of it, Mack.

  Standing, I head to the door but before I get it, Hope appears looking a bit flustered like she ran from the table we were at to here. “Mack. Here you are.” She holds a hand to her chest, taking some deep breaths.

  “Hope? What’s happened? Are you okay?” I place my hands on her cheeks and my eyes search hers, pleading for her to tell me and put me out of this sudden misery I find myself in. My heart, beating extra through shear fear, feels like it’s about to burst out and land at our feet.

  “One of your…guys…Pike?” Her breathing is harsh, and she struggles to talk properly. The girl clearly has never exercised a day in her life and if this wasn’t such a prickly situation, I’d be chuckling. “I think… his name… is Pike.” She then rushes, around her breathing, to tell me what he looks like. Yeah, it’s Pike.

  “What about him, babe? Tell me. What’s happened to get you into this state?” My hands stay attached to the sides of her face as my eyes bore into hers. “Tell. Me,” I add through gritted teeth. She visibly cringes at my tone and I do too. I didn’t mean to sound to rough.

  “I was sat at the table, he came and sat opposite. He was quite polite at first, just asked about me really. But then his eyes seemed to turn cold, emotionless. I didn’t know what I’d said but the next thing he said shook me.” She takes a few deep breaths through her nose, swallows before continuing, “He said; ‘I know more about you then you think, sweetheart. Your perfect persona doesn’t cut it with me. You’ll be dead by the end of the week.’ He chuckled then, said he was only messing with me before he walked off to the pool table with one of the other guys. Do you really think he’s just screwing with me?” Her eyes search mine. What can I say? It’s club business, I can’t tell her the whole damning truth.

  “I don’t know. But stay close to me until I tell you to lock yourself in the library. Okay?” After a beat of complete silence, I add, “Hope, do you understand me?”

  “Y…yes. Yes, I understand.” Her body is shaking and I pull her to me, holding her close and sniffing the scent of her hair.

  Pike is becoming unstable, unpredictable. I’m so fucking glad that tonight his bullshit will stop. He’s silently dangerous; a guy that you w
ouldn’t expect to hurt a single fly could actually crush you like bug under your foot. I’m terrified, angry, hurt… every fucking emotion is pushing my adrenaline further and further to the surface and by the time I’m through, Pike is going to wish he was never fucking born.

  Hope

  I must look like a grade-A clinger because I’ve not left Mack’s side even once; not even to the toilet. I keep my expression neutral, knowing that Pike is on the other side of the room. Mack told me about how Pike knew too much, has been seeing too much. He said to keep guarded but subtly. Never having been in such a situation, I found it hard not to keep stealing glances in his direction or too keep worrying my lip between my teeth with nerves.

  But, seriously what is it with me? I’ve had to deal with shit in the past week that not many people go through in a lifetime. What is wrong with me? Do I have target tattooed to my forehead or some shit?

  “Hope? Drink?” Mack’s voice enters through my foggy brain, clearing the thoughts I was having immediately. Thank God, cause who knows what my face must have looked like while I wasn’t concentrating on keeping my nerves in check.

  “Yeah. Please.” My voice sounds disembodied, distant and cold to my ears, God knows how it sounded to Mack but he gives me a stern look that makes me swallow the sudden build up of saliva in my mouth. I turn my eyes downwards, staring at the sticky wooden floor and my scuffed trainers, concentrating on a splash of paint I have on one shoe from when I had a rough go at painting my living room once. Big disaster. These thoughts help distract me from the shit that’s been stirring in there and helps put my features back to a neutral and less frightened and apprehensive look.

  “Here.” Mack hands me my drink and I smile my gratitude, afraid that if I open my mouth, my voice again will betray how I’m really feeling. “You’re doing great. Though slipping up time and again doesn’t matter, especially after what happened to you. Just don’t pay any attention to Pike.” Mack smiles down at me and places a hand on my lower back, sending shivers racing up and down my spine. It’s undeniable, the feelings coursing through me; I like Mack. Maybe too much and it’s scaring me even more than the consequences Pike is going to deal with or Lynx and his club. The fluttering in my stomach, the extra beat of my heart… they’re all telling me things that I don’t want to take notice to. It’s hard, so fucking hard, to even think about resisting the man. I must be insane to even try to. “Come.”