Tangled Thoughts

by Cara Bertrand

  “Something like that.”

  I bought the coat, and the card too.

  ON THE T ride back, Serena eyed me where I was wedged in a corner, trying not to touch anyone. I didn’t like the T very much, packed with people in various stages of living and dying. Crowded public places were a challenge for any Diviner, and often morbid for a Grim one like me. Serena thought I was a germophobe.

  “Did you hurt your wrist?” she asked as our train rumbled its way underground.

  “Huh?”

  “Your wrist. Does it hurt? You keep rubbing it.”

  I looked down to see I was, in fact, rubbing my wrist and stopped. No, it didn’t hurt. But rubbing it made the phantom pains in my heart feel a little better. The card had me thinking about…things. Carter, last Christmas, the accident. “It’s the cold today,” I lied. “I broke it last year, and sometimes when it’s cold, or rainy, it aches.”

  Serena nodded, like that made sense, and I hitched my new fluffy coat from one arm to the other. After a hesitation, she said, “Can I ask you something else?”

  “Sure.”

  “Is ex-boyfriend the one who gave you that necklace?” She looked down toward my chest, where instead of my wrist, my fingers were clutching the diamond again. I dropped it.

  I cleared my throat. “Um, yeah.”

  “It’s pretty. I get why you wear it, but then, maybe I don’t?”

  “It’s…complicated,” I hedged.

  Serena paused again. Finally, she said, “Did he abuse you?”

  “God, no! He was the best. Why do people keep thinking that?”

  Holding up her hand and ticking off a list on her fingers, she swept her eyes first down toward my feet and said, “Uh, the tattoo,”—up to my hands—“the broken wrist,”—and finished at my neck—“and the expensive present you don’t want to let go. It’s okay. I understand. It’s hard to leave behind—”

  I held up my hand. “I swear, he was great. He the opposite of abused me.”

  And then, the question: “So…well then, why did you break up with him?” Why indeed. If only I could tell her.

  “He was…too good,” is what I said, and I liked that it wasn’t a complete lie. “Too soon. I needed to do this on my own.” I refrained from adding but I miss him. I wanted to admit it, out loud. It felt like it would be good to stop denying it, just like it had felt perversely good to use my Diviner gift at the store.

  “Hmmm,” she said, and I broke in before she could ask any more questions I didn’t really want to answer.

  “So are you sure it’s okay if I come with you?” Serena had scored VIP invitations to the biggest Halloween party in the city, something she excelled at. She danced better than anyone I’d ever seen, so promoters shoved passes at her every time she went out. I barely managed to keep up with her and her other friends. “I don’t want to intrude—”

  “Lane,” she interrupted, laughing. “You’re coming. And I get it. You don’t want to talk about ex-boyfriend. So. What are you going as again?”

  I smiled. “I have this great Malificent costume.”

  “Who?”

  “Malificent?” I said, smile faltering. “You know, the witch from Sleeping Beauty?”

  “Oh. Right.” After a pause for the train announcement for the next station, she said, “Is it sexy?”

  “Not exactly,” I admitted. We couldn’t really do sexy at North-brook’s Halloween Bazaar, where I’d worn it last year.

  “Then no,” Serena said.

  “What?”

  “I said no. No way.” She leaned toward me, hanging onto the train bar with both hands. “Have you seen yourself? You’re not going as some creepy not-sexy Disney witch. You need to shake things up. Do something to forget about Mr. Too-Good and be Miss All-Bad.”

  I swallowed. Hadn’t I wanted just that? To be someone else? “Well, I don’t have another costume…”

  Serena eyed me up and down, like she was sizing me for something. Something I should be worried about. “I do. Let’s get off here.” The doors opened at Park Street and she headed toward the tunnel to Downtown Crossing. “You’re going to need boots and…accessories.”

  “I CAN’T DO this,” I said later as I stood in Serena’s room, wearing a string bikini and feeling ridiculous. And cold. I watched myself shiver in the mirror as Serena finished braiding my hair.

  “Oh yeah you can. You look amazing.”

  “I look naked.” The bikini was nearly the color of my skin, which on Serena surely looked amazing. On me, it looked basically like I was wearing nothing.

  “That’s the point. That’s what she looked like.” She snapped a rubber band into place and draped the long braid over my shoulder. “You look perfect.”

  I certainly looked…something. Serena had brought up images on the way off the train, and we’d come home with suede boots, two silk scarves, and some chain necklaces. Add in the bikini she already owned and voila! I was Princess Leia in the dessert.

  “I can’t do this,” I repeated.

  Serena tied her own scarf around her head and twisted a few curls into place on her forehead. Her flapper ensemble complete, she said, “Too late. Time to go!”

  “Fine,” I relented. “But I’m wearing the coat.” Serena rolled her eyes and pulled me out the door by my chains.

  The party was at a rock club on Lansdowne Street, where I’d been to concerts but never something like this. In fact, I’d never been to anything like this party ever. The “VIP” room was a riot of color and texture, and that was just the walls. Chairs, tables, rugs, pillows—everything was a vibrant, exotic rainbow, like a Moroccan palace and a gay pride parade met and fell in love. And then there were the people.

  Everyone was in elaborate states of dress—or mostly closer to un-dress. The entire place was packed with partygoers, far more than I expected. We escaped into the main party as soon as we’d eaten, because Serena and her other friends wanted to dance.

  “I’ll meet you in a minute,” I told them. “I have to do something with this.” I shook my coat at them and Serena nodded.

  “Sure. Find us on the flooooor!” she called over her shoulder, already moving to the beat as the others dragged her away.

  On the way to the coat check, I spotted an out-of-the-way bathroom and slipped inside. It was semi-quiet compared to outside and, blessedly, empty of people waiting. The two stalls were occupied, so I draped my coat over my shoulders and leaned against the wall, waiting for a turn but mostly just taking a minute to gather my courage. I wasn’t sure why I had no problem spending all day and night at the beach in a bikini but was afraid to relinquish my fuzzy white shield here at the party. Being Miss All-Bad was easier for Serena to say than for me to do.

  Two girls tumbled out of the stalls, their laughter replaced by glares for me and my coat. I squeezed closer to the wall to let them pass. “Whore,” I heard one of them whisper just as I was closing the stall door.

  And that was it. The push that sent me tumbling. Something inside me snapped, all my frustration, anger, bitterness. Fuck them, I thought. Fuck everyone. Miss All-Bad? She was awake now, and she was pissed.

  I slammed the door open and stalked up behind them. They both had these fake innocent expressions on their faces, but they were watching me in the mirror, nervous. I was tall, and I was angry, and I hoped I intimidated them. “If I’m a whore,” I mused, eying their barely-larger-than-mine devil and kitty cat costumes, “what are you two? Nuns? Good luck with that.” And I left them there, with their mouths hanging open. Good.

  By the time I fought my way back from the coat check, Serena was already surrounded on the dance floor. Still flushed from my mean-girl encounter, I stopped at one of the bars for a Coke. Nearby was a tiny open space against the wall with an unexpectedly good view. I leaned there, assessing my options. Of course, that was when I saw him. By now, I wasn’t even surprised.

  Halloween suited Jack Kensington. In fact, I was willing to bet it was his favorite holiday. His pant
s were tight and stuffed into motorcycle boots that weren’t exactly period. A red, possibly velvet jacket topped an appropriately—if you were a pirate captain, anyway—frilly shirt that was open nearly to his stomach. A plastic sword slapped at his waist, and tied around his head was a shimmery silver scarf, not unlike Serena’s.

  In truth, he looked as comfortable and natural as a flamboyant pirate as he did in his button downs and ties, striding through the throngs to order a drink at the bar. When he turned, after gracing the bartender with a rakish smile, he saw me, and the smile grew by degrees.

  “Ahoy, me beauty!” he called in his best talk-like-a-pirate voice, stopping in front of me and striking a pose. I fought the urge to smile.

  “You look ridiculous.”

  “I was thinking swarthy? No?”

  “Do you even know what that means?”

  He thought for a second. “Swashbuckling?”

  “Swash-something.”

  With a raise of his glass, he said, “Just trolling these fine waters for grog and booty.” I couldn’t help myself; I laughed. Quite suddenly, I was having a good time. In fact, I was pretty sure if I did nothing more than flirt with him for the rest of the night, I’d have my best Halloween in memory.

  I glanced in the general vicinity of his waistband. “That’s quite a cutlass you’ve got there.”

  He nodded, grinning like the devil. “The wenches do love me sword.”

  “I bet.”

  “Ah, a wager then!” He tilted his glass at me, something dark that I suspected was a rum and Coke, because what else would a pirate drink? “I bet thee I’ll leave here with the prettiest maiden in the tavern.”

  I patted my completely non-existent pockets. “I’m afraid I left all my doubloons at home.” In truth, they were stuffed in my boot, along with my key, ID, and phone.

  “Aye, but we can wager with other things.”

  “Like?”

  Jack made himself comfortable, wedging into the space next to me, so it was impossible not to touch him. My arm pressed against his, informing me that the jacket was indeed velvet, and soft. He leaned in closer when he answered, “Kisses be as fine tender as jewels…” and waggled his eyebrows at me.

  I sucked in a breath, thrilled and frightened by the mere thought of it. Most of me wanted to make that bet, just to see how far he’d go. But the night was early, so instead I said, “I’m sorry sir; I don’t think you’re allowed to trade those with me at this time.”

  He laughed, dropping the pirate voice but not moving any further away from me. “I’m not allowed to say how you look tonight, either.”

  “You don’t seem to worry much about what you’re allowed or not allowed to do.”

  Jack’s smile nearly filled the room. “You’re right.” His eyes washed over me again, gleaming like a kind of sleek cat that prowls in the dark, a jaguar maybe. “And telling you how not-ridiculous you look in that suit might even be worth getting fired over.”

  Damn damn damn my blushing red cheeks. I hid them by looking down into my soda, but it was pointless. Possibly the worst thing about wearing a bikini in October is when your whole body flushes, anyone can see it. But I was smiling, too.

  Jack bumped me lightly with his shoulder. “You know what? It’s Halloween. I think you need to loosen up, relax a little.”

  I laughed. “You’re saying this to the girl dressed like this?”

  “I’m saying this to the girl dressed like this and hiding in a corner.” He reached over and gave a gentle tug on my long braid. I hadn’t been hiding, but let him think that.

  “And I suppose you’re the one who’s going to show me how?”

  “That’s why I’m here.” He held his arms out, but the gesture seemed bigger than the party. More like that’s why he was here, in my city.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yes.”

  He smiled then, that crooked tilt to his lips that I dreamed about. Something about this smile was so terribly true, and wickedly tempting. He was right; I did need to loosen up. Hadn’t Amy been saying that for, basically, ever? Wasn’t that why Serena put me in this outfit in the first place? I was Miss All-Bad tonight.

  “So. What do you think, Leia? Want to get out of here?” He looked down at his watch, as if he had somewhere else to be, or was bored, but it was neither. The sexy upturn to his lips and the way he glanced up at me told me the truth.

  No, I can’t. I’m here with friends, I should have said. “Yes,” is what I told him. Once I said it, I knew just how true it was. “Yeah, I do.”

  His dimple grew as deep as his smile was wide. “Let’s go, then.”

  WE EXITED THE club into the chilly night and a cloud of smoke. People huddled with their cigarettes in one of the funny little corrals erected next to anywhere with a cover charge. When we stepped past it, the bouncer called, “No re-entry.”

  Jack and I looked at each other. “That’s okay, thank you,” I said and he said, “I don’t think we’re coming back.” I was pretty sure a few people waiting in line cheered.

  “Thank God we got there early. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait in that line.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” Jack threw a glance back over his shoulder. “You wouldn’t have had to wait in that.”

  “Only because we had invites.”

  “That’s just why you got in early. You don’t go to many clubs, do you?”

  I shook my head. “Is it obvious?”

  “Yes. Because you didn’t even notice that eighty percent of the line was guys hoping to get let in just for the chance to see girls like you and Serena who don’t have to wait in line.”

  “That’s gross.”

  “Sure,” Jack agreed.

  “So how did you get in so easily?”

  “I have my secrets.” An exaggerated wink punctuated this pronouncement and I laughed.

  “Like twenty dollar bills and a Herald’s smile?”

  He flashed the smile at me. “See? You’re catching on.”

  A gorilla passed by going the other way and Jack gave him a high five. His sexy angel companion eyed my coat with un-angelic envy. I shivered just looking at her bare arms and…most everything else. I never thought I’d be glad for the Abominable fur joke, but I pulled it close around my shoulders. Next to us, Fenway Park loomed. I looked up at the wall that looked black in the dark, not green, and said, “It’s an antique.”

  “What?” Jack followed my gaze. “The Green Monster?”

  “Yeah. It’s an antique. The wall, the original parts, not the chairs on top. Did you know that? Over a hundred years old. 1912.”

  He watched me for a second and smiled. “I think I did know that, but I’d never thought of it that way before.”

  “It’s cool, right? You can sit on top of an antique wall and watch baseball. That’s part of what I love about this city. You can walk down the sidewalk basically anywhere and trip over historic buildings. But then”—I pointed my thumb to the right—“right over there is a highway that goes under a fifty-two stories tall building. It’s all right here in just fifty square miles of land. The whole modern world collected in an antique teacup.”

  After a silence that stretched until its edges were frayed, I started walking again, too fast and with my head down. “That probably sounded silly, huh? My ode to Boston. You’re a New York guy, so maybe it just feels small here.”

  Jack cleared his throat. “No.” He touched my hand and I stopped, turning to see he’d stopped too. He stood very still. In fact, it was this strange moment where time seemed to still. There was Jack, and me, and the city lights glowing like stars. “It feels beautiful,” he said softly, looking right at me. “Everyone should be so lucky to see the city with you.”

  “It’s dark. We can’t see anything.”

  “That doesn’t matter. I can see it in the way you love it. You see the cracks and tiny details and that makes you love it more.”

  The corners of my mouth, and my spirits, lifted. “My Aunt Tessa says t
his city was made for me.”

  “She was right.” He was smiling too, his teeth shining in the light but face mostly in darkness from the shadows of the buildings. I was afraid for a second that he’d disappear, like the Cheshire Cat, or that I was crazy, and everything would disintegrate. Because I’d said something real, something private even, and instead of a stupid wanna get Leia-d? joke like the ones I’d endured at the party we’d just left, Jack said: “I never wanted to be here until just now.”

  My heart gave this mighty thump, as if those words had hugged it tight and then set it free to pound again. I was glad once more for my coat covering me, or I was sure he’d see it beating fast. I wished I could see him better, so I took a step, heading out of the shadows and toward the city proper. “So why did you?” I asked. “Come here, if you didn’t want to.”

  With a harsh laugh, he said, “The wrong reasons.” He’d said something like this before, in his office that day. Something about how it had been his Grandfather’s idea and he didn’t want to disappoint him.

  “Maybe,” I said, “the wrong reasons can lead us to the right thing.”

  “If only,” he replied. After a second, he blew out a breath with a shake of his head and the moment was over. The tension broke and the lightness that seemed natural to him, so opposite of Carter’s inherent seriousness, flowed back in around us. The feeling, however, the one bouncing between my internal organs like a pinball, stayed. Jack tugged on a piece of my coat’s white fur. “You look like something from Hoth in this, you know.”

  “What’s a Hoth?” I said, and his face puckered like I’d just insulted his mother.

  “Have you even seen Star Wars?”

  No. I honestly hadn’t and I was suddenly embarrassed about that. But I said, “Maybe?”

  Jack groaned. “We’re watching it. All of them.”

  “Right now?”

  “No,” he laughed. “It’s a little late tonight.”

  “So what are we doing?” I felt so good, champagne bubbly but, also, bold. I had the feeling, but on top of that was the giddiness of having done something I shouldn’t have. I left a club with a guy with nothing more than a text to my friend. Saw H.O.T. and left with him. Don’t tell. xo After that, I’d turned off my phone. I was doing something bad. I liked it. I felt like I could do anything.