Killer, Paper, Cut

by Joanna Campbell Slan

  Lorraine and Anya sat on the sofa, looking through old albums I'd made. I sat curled up in the overstuffed armchair, reading a book on my Kindle. Brawny was out running errands. Erik was in the shed with Detweiler, helping his father muck out Monroe's stall. His Aunt Lori had found a miniature gardening set for him, so Erik was equipped with his own shovel. From time to time, the message function on my phone dinged to announce that Detweiler had taken yet another picture of our big guy working hard. A few of the shots showed Paolo and Gracie romping in the yard with Petunia bringing up the rear.

  The doorbell rang and I opened my front door to Mert, Johnny, Laurel, and Father Joe.

  "What a surprise," I said. "Come on in."

  I didn't know whether to try to hug Mert or not, so I settled for hugging Laurel and Johnny. I figured I'd give my old friend a lot of space.

  "No hugs for me?" asked Father Joe. Of course, I gave him one.

  "This is for you," Mert said stiffly, handing over a big plate covered with foil. A slightly crumpled pre-made holiday bow was perched on top. After introducing everyone to Lorraine and inviting them to sit down, I opened the foil covering to see what was inside.

  "I don’t know what these are but they smell divine."

  "Nutella brownies," announced Johnny. "I even wrote up the recipe for you because I know you'll want to make more."

  "You’re onto my secrets," I said. "Thanks so much."

  "It's our way of showing our appreciation for corralling Faye," said Laurel. "I'd like to think that I could have gone about my life without worrying about her, but that's not exactly true. If you hadn't figured out that she was my assailant, I'd be looking over my shoulder all the time."

  "This is the person to thank," I said, gesturing toward Lorraine. "She sicced her guard dog on Faye."

  Lorraine colored and smiled. "I would have done so sooner, if I could have remembered the German word for attack! When I got flustered, everything flew out of my head. And I was concerned that Paolo would attack Kiki, not that awful woman. Since I wasn't the person being physically assaulted, I wasn't totally sure that he'd figure out which person to bring down."

  "Ah, but he performed admirably under pressure," I said. "Thank goodness. Now that you're here, Laurel, how did Faye know to slip you the Glutose? I didn't even know you were diabetic until that night."

  Laurel reached for Father Joe's hand and squeezed it. "My blood sugar spiked during a test I took in her husband's class. One minute I was fine and the next, I was light-headed, so I got up and ran out of the room. As you can imagine, letting a student leave a test and come back is frowned upon. The assumption would be that I was cheating. Dr. Edorra didn't believe I had a valid excuse. Finally the dean told Dr. Edorra that I was diabetic. I guess Dr. Edorra shared what happened with his wife."

  "And the inappropriate emails?" I asked. "He sent them?"

  "Yes," said Laurel slowly. "Anya, I'm glad that you're here so you'll know about this, too. Of course, Dr. Edorra had my email address because students were required to share them with their professors. At first, he was a bit jokey. Just little comments. Not too bad, but they didn't really cross a line. I ignored them. As the semester went on, his remarks definitely became more out of line. I sent him an email and said that I felt uncomfortable. Then I asked him to stop, because the messages had nothing to do with homework. Finally, I took my cell phone into the dean's office."

  "But she weren't the one who got him in trouble," said Johnny. "He'd also been sending stuff to another student."

  "At least two other students," Mert corrected her brother.

  "That's right," said Laurel. "They had complained, too. But he saw me coming out of the dean's office, so he blamed me for losing his job. So did his wife, I guess. I didn't realize that they blamed me, especially because I’d been the last student to complain, not the first."

  "Is that why you didn’t worry when you saw Faye at the crop?"

  "I'd met Faye years ago," said Laurel. "We were actually classmates in a women’s studies program. So I didn’t think anything of her when we were at the crop. I’d sent her a sympathy card when her husband died, and I considered the matter closed. It never occurred to me that she was so off-kilter or that she blamed me."

  "What about the women from your church? Were they responsible for the vandalism and nasty letters?" I directed my question to Father Joe.

  "Yes, they were. I sat down with the president of the vestry, Franklin Eaton, and told him everything that had happening. Of course, he knew some of it, but not everything. Lucky for me, there had been instances of corporate espionage against his business, so he had the number of a private detective who could help us. Once the man gathered the evidence, Franklin and an attorney for the church called a meeting. The women were presented with proof of the mischief they'd caused. We suggested that they consider another place to worship, since they weren't happy with St. James."

  "But they acted like the injured parties. They had the nerve to ask what prompted the suggestion that they leave," said Mert. "Can you believe it?"

  "That's when the private detective's efforts came in so handy," said Father Joe. "He had caught them, almost in the act, of sending yet another round of nasty letters."

  "Wow," said Anya.

  "Yes," Father Joe said. "When we confronted them, they began hurling accusations at Laurel. Mary Martha even had the gall to suggest that she was doing the church a favor and protecting my virtue by running Laurel off. I explained that harassing someone and defacing property is never appropriate."

  "How did you leave it?" I asked.

  "We suggested that they apologize," said Father Joe. "However, none of the three were willing to say they were sorry. When their attitudes suggested that they might actually continue their campaign, I told them that I'd recommend that Laurel file for a restraining order. Franklin told them that he intended to do the same on behalf of the church."

  "Can a church do that?" I wondered. "Keep someone from attending services?"

  "Yes," said Father Joe. "There's a criterion called 'irreparable injury,' and their vandalism met that standard. Other churches have had similar problems. Leadership has the right to protect the church and its members from harassment and injury."

  "That's good to know," I said. "

  "I heard you're going to move into Clancy's house. In U City," said Mert. "That'll be hard, won't it?"

  I smiled at Lorraine, and she smiled back at me. "We will be moving, but not into Clancy's house. Lorraine has come up with an alternative for us."

  "Leighton's lost all his money," said Anya. "His daughter cleaned him out!"

  "So I heard," said Mert, and she winked at my daughter. "I guess it's too late for a spanking, huh?"

  "Oh, yeah," said Anya. "It's way past that!"

  My cell phone started ringing. Usually I'd ignore it, but the call was from Robbie Holmes. Since they were still processing the charges against Faye Edorra, I excused myself to answer it.

  "I don't know who else to call!" he said. There was raw panic to his tone.

  "Is Sheila okay?" That was my first thought. Nothing else on earth would put such a quiver in his voice.

  "She's been picked up for drunk driving."

  —The End—

  ~Craft Projects~

  Kiki Lowenstein's Paper Beads

  Note: You can see the directions for this project and many others by visiting our blog – www.JoannaSlan.blogspot.com or by visiting our Kiki Lowenstein boards on Pinterest!

  Sure, you could recycle those old magazines, but some of the colors are too pretty to waste. Why not turn the pages into paper beads? Here's how--

  Supplies:

  Old magazines

  Two sticky notes

  Fiskars Personal Paper Trimmer

  Clear drying glue

  Piece of Styrofoam

  Round toothpicks

  Diamond Glaze

  Instructions:

  1. Start by carefully choosing your paper. Remember, y
ou'll be wrapping strips of paper, winding them on top of each other, to get a bead, so not all the original image will show. It's a bit tricky. I suggest you start with a solid color, or nearly solid, like the paper on the right. Also notice that I chose a two-page spread from a magazine. That'll give me a lot of paper to work with.

  2. Use a sticky note to mark a cutting guide on your Fiskars Personal Paper Trimmer. See, you COULD use a pen and mark triangles on your paper, but why? Instead, look at the lines on your trimmer. Lay down a sticky note exactly along the half inch mark. You'll see why in a minute.

  3. Line up the BOTTOM of your "bead paper" with the sticky note. Instead of lining up the paper perpendicular to the cutting line, tilt the top of the paper. Keep the bottom of the paper at the ½ inch mark, which means the widest part of your cut will be a half an inch wide at the BOTTOM. But tilt the TOP of the paper at the cutting line. By eyeballing this, you should be able to see that you'll be cutting off a long, skinny triangular shape. Tip: Begin with the cutting blade at the wide end of the triangle, not the skinny tip. Otherwise the paper will bunch up.

  4. Now slice your paper. We need lots of these skinny triangular slips to make our beads.

  5. Flip the whole shooting match over, wrong side up, and repeat the process. Once you have a plethora of long, skinny triangles, it's time to make your beads.

  7. Put the large end of the triangle in your mouth and get it moist. Not wet! This will cause your paper to lightly grip the toothpick.

  8. Wrap the triangle around the toothpick. Remember: The big end starts on the toothpick. Try to keep your triangle centered as you wrap it. If it gets off centered nudge it with your fingernail.

  9. Dab a bit of glue to the tippy end of the triangle and smoosh it down to glue it to the bulk of the triangle that is now rolled onto your toothpick. You should have a slightly ovoid shape, bigger in the middle and tapered on each end.

  10. Stab your toothpick into your Styrofoam block. Admire your garden of beads. Paint the beads with the Diamond Glaze and let them dry. You might want to do two thin coats.

  11. Let them dry! Carefully pluck them off of the toothpicks.

  Kiki Lowenstein's Black Cat

  This is so fun and so easy that it would make a perfect project for kids!

  Supplies:

  Empty toilet paper roll

  White pencil

  One sheet typing/copy paper

  Scissors

  Tape

  Black cardstock

  Green tissue paper or cellophane

  A battery operated votive (small)

  X-Acto knife

  Instructions:

  1. Go to Google images and find a silhouette of a seated cat.

  2. Print it off onto the typing/copy paper.

  3. Transfer the image to your back cardstock. Tip: You can turn the typing/copy paper into instant carbon paper by coloring it solid on the REVERSE side of the image. Then with the REVERSE side on your black paper, trace the outline. This will transfer an image to your paper.

  4. Use your craft knife to cut out the cat and its eyes.

  5. Tape tissue paper behind the eyes.

  6. Attach the cat to your empty toilet paper roll with tape. Tip: You might want to cover the toilet paper roll with more black paper first.

  7. Turn on the votive and tape it to the top of the toilet paper roll.

  ~Recipes~

  Nancy Richardson's Yuk Pan

  Ingredients:

  1 lb. hamburger

  3 boxes of macaroni and cheese

  1 can of cream of mushroom soup

  1 chopped onion

  1 chopped green pepper

  Directions:

  1. Make the macaroni and cheese according to package directions.

  2. Brown the hamburger. Add the onions and pepper if desired.

  3. Add macaroni and cheese to the hamburger.

  4. Stir in the cream of mushroom soup.

  ~

  Brawny's Cock-a-leekie Soup

  Ingredients:

  6 leeks, washed and sliced into half-moons after cutting away the roots and dark green

  1 Tsp. salt

  5 C. strong chicken stock

  3 T. butter or chicken fat

  1/2 C. whipping cream

  Salt and pepper to taste

  Directions:

  1. Bring stock to a boil.

  2. Add leeks, reduce to a simmer for five minutes.

  3. Whisk in butter or fat and season with salt and pepper.

  4. Stir in cream and serve immediately.

  Theresa George's Chicken Tetrazzini

  Ingredients:

  3 boneless chicken breasts

  2 Tsp. salt

  ¼ Tsp. pepper

  12 oz. spaghetti

  3 slices bacon

  1 large sweet onion, diced

  1 large green pepper, diced

  4 oz. can pimentos

  8 oz. can sliced mushrooms

  2 C. sharp shredded cheddar cheese

  Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

  2. In a large pot, cover chicken with water, add salt and pepper, cook until tender.

  3. Remove chicken from water. (Keep the water!) Allow to cool. Cut into bite-sized pieces.

  4. Add spaghetti to the same water, bring to a boil, cook until al dente.

  5. Fry bacon until crispy in large skillet. Cool on paper towels. Drain all but a small amount of bacon grease from the pan.

  6. Brown diced onion and diced pepper in the skillet.

  7. Add chicken and bacon to the skillet. Mix well.

  8. Drain spaghetti. Add the chicken/onion/pepper mixture to the pasta. Add the pimento, the mushrooms. Mix well. A 1 ½ C. of the shredded cheese. Mix thoroughly.

  9. Pour into casserole dish. Top with ½ C. shredded cheddar and bake for 20-30 minutes.

  Cara Mia Delgatto's Sea Grape Jelly

  Supplies:

  Potato masher

  Jelly straining cloth

  Jars for the jelly – clean and washed

  Ingredients:

  2 lbs. sea grapes

  Cold water to cover

  1 C. sugar for each 1 C. juice

  Directions:

  1. Wash sea grapes carefully. Put in large pot and cover with water. Boil and cook.

  2. Mash the sea grapes to a pulp. (Note: The seeds are large, but you want to strip the skin and flesh from the seeds.

  3. Strain through the cloth. Reserve 3 cups of juice.

  4. Stir in sugar. Cook until dissolved.

  5. Boil rapidly for three minutes. Bring to temperature of 223 degrees on a jelly thermometer.

  6. Ladle into hot sterile jars and seal tightly.

  ~

  Victoria Hrabe's Better Than Sex Cake

  (Also known as "Robert Redford")

  Ingredients:

  A box of German Chocolate Cake Mix (the kind with the pudding in the mix)

  1 can of Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk

  1 jar of caramel ice cream topping

  1 container of Cool Whip

  1 pkg. of Heath Chips

  Directions:

  1. Bake cake according to directions on package.

  2. Remove cake from oven. Poke holes in the top with a fork.

  3. Pour ice cream topping and sweetened condensed milk over the cake.

  4. Let stand 15 minutes.

  5. Cover and refrigerate.

  6. Immediately before serving, top with whipped cream. Sprinkle candy bits on top.

  Victoria Hrabe's Cheesy Chicken and Dressing Casserole

  Ingredients:

  1 T. real butter

  4-6 chicken breasts, boneless, cut into bite-sized pieces

  Pepper

  1 Tsp. garlic powder

  2 boxes of Stovetop Stuffing

  1 can Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup

  ½ C. milk

  1 ½ C. shredded cheddar cheese

  Oil in sprayer

  Directions
:

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

  2. In a skillet on the stovetop, melt the butter. Lightly pepper the chicken and cook until no longer pink. Remove chicken from pan.

  3. In the same pan, make the stove top stuffing according to package directions. Let sit for five minutes. Fluff with fork.

  4. In a bowl, mix the cream of mushroom soup, garlic powder, and ½ C. of milk. Set aside.

  5. In a 13" x 9" baking dish, spritz the bottom with oil. Add the Stovetop Stuffing. Lay chicken on top of the stuffing in a single layer.

  6. Pour soup mixture over the chicken and stuffing.

  7. Add cheddar cheese on top.

  8. Bake until cheese is melted and soup is hot. (About 15 minutes.)

  Cover Credits for Killer, Paper, Cut

  Cover by Jessica Compton. Images by Andrzej Tokarski at Dreamstime.com, desiraer/brusheezy.com, and rafaliasbompa-1/brusheezy.com

  A Note from the Author—

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