"What's wrong?" My words tangled with breathlessness.
"I want to share it with you." Her voice seemed to tremble, or rumble. I couldn't tell which.
"What?"
"Together." She spoke through clenched teeth. I searched her expression, desperate to make sense of what she was trying to tell me. Like most werecats, when Vanessa gets stressed, she makes little sense. It's almost like the language part of the brain seizes up.
"I don't understand..."
"Together, do this together." She let go of my wrist and slammed her hands down on either side of me.
"What... I..." Startled, I let my legs drop from around her waist.
"I want to share this," she burst forth. "I can't stand not touching you," she said and gripped the bed sheets, tearing them in frustration. I finally caught on to what she was saying, but when I went to speak she cut me off. "I can smell and taste that you want it and then you make me feel so good and you don't get to feel any of it."
I was stunned into silence. She squirmed on top of me but I didn't know how to comfort her. She gripped my T-shirt suddenly and yanked me toward her, my lips an inch from hers.
"Ness..." I started to say but she cried out and let me go. I struggled to sit up then pulled her into a fierce hug. She met my gaze as tears trickled down her cheeks. A lump rose in my throat as guilt washed over me, heavy and sodden.
"I'm sorry, Vanessa. I do want it... I do..."
"Then let me in," she spoke through a sob before resting her head on my shoulder.
I wrapped my arms around her and she closed her eyes. Her purring returned after a moment. This time I knew it was for self-soothing rather than contentment. I had no idea how much my fear was affecting her. The door creaked open and Xany peeked in. I was pretty sure that she sensed the rush of emotion coming from my room.
"What's wrong? Who died?" she asked.
Vanessa hissed at her and swatted at the air. Without batting a lash, Xany hissed back. A pitiable human hiss, but as feeble as it was, Vanessa seemed to accept it.
"No one died." I pulled the blanket over Vanessa to cover her up. In a way, I was relieved that Xany was there, though part of me wished it had been Mal instead. She came over and put her hand on Vanessa's head.
"What happened?" she asked. Vanessa rolled away from her and put her head in my lap.
"I..." I began, but didn't really know what to say. "I still get scared," was all I could come up with. Xany sat down beside us. The red-hot heat of embarrassment flooded my face. Vanessa calmed enough to sit up and wrap the blanket around her torso. She placed her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her.
"Why do you both feel like you've let each other down? It was like the floor dropped out of this part of the house." Xany looked between us.
"I said I'd go to Ireland for a visit with Vanessa and she got happy. We...you know, and she got upset because I can't share it with her." All of this not-revealing-too-much had me speaking in code. Vanessa toyed with the fringes of the blanket and let me do all the explaining.
"Well that's a pretty fair reason to get upset, Nee. It's normal to want your partner to feel as good as you do during sex." Xany filled in the blanks for me.
"I know..." I said, pausing for a moment. "I like pleasing her."
"And imagine what it would be like if you couldn't do that," Xany said, glancing to Vanessa who nuzzled my neck. She seemed content with allowing Xany to elaborate on what she was feeling.
"I imagine it wouldn't be too pleasant," I said, though to Vanessa rather than Xany.
"It would probably make you feel selfish and guilty for receiving pleasure without being able to give it." Xany nodded.
"Is that true?" I whispered to Vanessa.
She nodded and suddenly gripped the front of my sweatpants, tugging them hard before letting go. I jumped when the waistband snapped back. Xany giggled.
"She can sense your arousal, NeeNee. It drives her crazy," Xany translated.
I blushed and pulled my knees up to my chest, pinning Vanessa's hand between my thighs and stomach. She mewed at me a few times.
"Hell, Nee, any wolf a mile away can probably sense it. Imagine what it must be like for her while in here with you." Xany snickered.
"That's embarrassing." I groaned.
Xany smiled and Vanessa slipped her hand up the front of my shirt, placing it on my stomach.
"Is it this hard with Mal, too?" Xany asked.
"Worse," I said.
You don't deserve them anyway. Either of them. You'll taint them. Hurt them. You were better off locked in that torture chamber. Out of nowhere, my thoughts taunted me and set alight the panic that I'd been doing pretty well keeping at bay. I must have lost a few seconds of time because when I finally heard Xany call my name, both she and Vanessa were looking at me.
"Where'd you go?" Xany asked, touching my cheek. Nausea choked me and I felt the color drain from my face.
"I don't deserve them," I told her through bated breath.
"Yes, you do, you deserve us both. Look at me." Vanessa sprang to life again. The echoes faded away when I got caught up in her glassy green eyes. I took a breath and looked between the two women.
"NeeNee, you deserve both Vanessa and Mal, and even more than that," Xany said as she reached over to squeeze my hand. Wedged between them, I knew I was safe so I rested my head on Vanessa's shoulder.
"I love you so much," I whispered to her.
"I love you, too, Shawnee. I'm sorry I got frustrated," she said softly. "I know I need to be patient." She nuzzled my neck.
"I'm sorry for making you have to be patient." I nuzzled hers right back.
"You girls are so cute," Xany said through a giggle. "Now start talking to each other more openly before things start to get real interesting with all three of us in bed together." She kissed my forehead and hopped off the bed. "I'm gonna make chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. For some reason I feel like having that." She bounded out of the room. I watched her then looked to Vanessa.
"That's your favorite breakfast," I said to her. "An empath who can even sense what food you're in the mood for." I shook my head. Vanessa snickered.
"Will you really go with me to Ireland?" she asked.
"Of course, silly kitty, I said I would a hundred times."
Vanessa put her hand back on my stomach, moving her fingers in a gentle kneading motion. She smiled at me when I kissed her nose. Daringly, I pushed her hand slowly downward to let it rest on the lowest part of my abdomen. Her fingers moved automatically at first until she realized what I'd done. She looked up at me with wide eyes.
"Just...keep it there...so I can get used to feeling you closer to me." I gnawed my lip. Vanessa lifted her chin to me and purred. It was her way of acknowledging my effort to meet her at least halfway. I breathed slowly, absorbing the sensation of her touch. "When do you want to leave for Ireland?"
"How about tomorrow morning? They're a few hours ahead of us," she said.
"Good, that way we can tell the others." I traced figure-eights along her forearm.
"Will they stop you from going?"
"Caden's not like that." I smiled when I realized that Xany had once told me that very same thing. Vanessa kissed my cheek and we spent some time lying beside each other in silence.
Chapter Four
After breakfast, Vanessa was ready to leave for work. Worried things between us were still not right, I clutched her sleeve when I kissed her goodbye. It was almost an involuntary movement, but one thing I knew for sure—I didn't want her to leave. She was smiling when she turned around to face me.
"Love you," she said, her voice barely a whisper. She disappeared before I was able to say it back. I took a deep breath, forcing down the surge of emotions Vanessa's departure brought up. Her sneaky ways of professing her feelings were not to be taken lightly. Cats don't use words like other werecreatures, so the simple fact that she'd taken the time to say it first warmed my insides.
In the main r
oom, Xany was bopping to music while surfing the internet on my laptop. At this time of day, Caden was probably off working at Hank's contracting company. He didn't work all the time but when Hank needed help, Caden was his man. Mal, on the other hand, was somewhere close. I could sense him almost perfectly now. Our pack bonds were in place as well as the preliminary mate bond. It would get stronger once we actually had sex. That sort of seals the deal in a way. How am I going to handle that prospect? I have no idea.
Xany looked up from the computer as I bent down to tie my boots. "Where you going, Nee?"
"Just for a walk." I stood up to face her.
"It's too hot out today," she whined. "When are you leaving for Ireland?"
"In the morning. Vanessa said that they're a few hours ahead of us." I took my time putting on my hoodie while Xany seemed to study me. I tried really hard to squeeze down the pack bond between Xany and me. I imagined the bonds shrinking, squeezing, and narrowing to the girth of a drinking straw. I didn't want her tapping into my worry over Vanessa's absence or the leftover guilt from this morning. Squelching the bond wasn't very easy, but I'd had practice closing down feelings in the past.
"Talk to me, Nee." Xany closed the laptop to give me her full attention. She probably picked up on the supernatural distance that I was trying to influence.
"I'm sorry. I want to be alone for a while." I shook my head and opened the door.
"C'mon, Shawnee."
"Maybe later," I said and left her alone in the cabin.
Xany was right about the temperature. It was a blistering hot day in mid-August and the heat was oppressive. My legs felt like they were suffocating inside my jeans. In less than a minute, I had my jacket tied around my waist. The walk along the path in the woods was enjoyable with its random sounds of animals scuttling and birds chirping. It helped me ignore the heat that continued to press heavily against me.
I broke away from the thicket and emerged by the open space of the lake. A light breeze ruffled the leaves and whisked my hair off my face as I tossed my jacket onto the big rock that rested a few yards from the water. The air coming off the lake was moist and cool, lending a shiver along my sweat-dampened skin. I stepped to the edge of the water. With the events of the morning still fresh in my mind, I crouched down, dipping my fingertips into the shallows, and rested my chin on my knees.
It's not fair to her. She deserves better. My thoughts began their usual rampage. You want them constantly beside you and yet you still push them away. There was a hole inside of me somewhere that, despite all the love I've added to my life recently, seems utterly dark. As vast as it was, my breath caught in my throat when the emptiness suddenly disappeared.
"There's a fish nibbling your boot." The sound of Mal's voice enveloped me.
I looked down at my feet and sure enough, there was a tiny gray fish swimming around the part of my shoe that was in the water. Mal sat down on the ground and leaned against the rock. I tried to stroke the little fish but it slipped through my fingers. Mal ran his gaze over me as I turned to face him, his hand outstretched. When I took it, he pulled me into a hug.
"Hey, I'm delicate." I laughed as I collapsed into his arms.
"What's upsetting you?" He grinned and helped me settle beside him.
"The same thing that always seems to upset me lately." I played with the fringe of his leather vest. He had no shirt on under it and wore loose-fitting jeans. Mal, like Vanessa, was almost always barefoot. My insides seem to smooth out and calm in his presence, as if all of me is letting out a sigh.
"Caden and Vanessa not being home?" He put his arm around my shoulders, brushing his cheek against mine.
"No, not that, but now that you mention it..." I closed my eyes and melted into his embrace. His skin was warm to the touch, barely distinguishable from the heat of the sun.
"You can sense Caden, you know he's fine." He nudged my forehead with his chin.
"Yeah, but I can't sense Vanessa. It's not fair. I can sense everyone else. But that's not what's upsetting me." I looked up at him, gnawing the inside of my mouth intensely enough to draw blood. His nose twitched when he smelled it and he brushed his thumb over my cheek.
"You can sense our pack, Shawnee, it's in your blood. Even though Vanessa is, in her own way, part of our pack, the magics don't work well enough to include other werespecies." He paused. "Tell me what's really bothering you." Mal lifted a single eyebrow at me. In his presence, not only is our pack bond stronger but the mate bond as well. He knew I was holding something back and there was nothing I could say or do that would convince him otherwise. Part of me, I had to admit, wanted to tell him everything.
"This morning, Vanessa got upset during...well you know. She said she wanted to share it with me. She got so upset that she tore the sheets. I've never seen her like that. She was so frustrated with me. I can't blame her really." I shrugged and glanced away from him.
"Vanessa is as feral as any werecat I've ever seen." He placed a finger under my chin and guided me to look back at him. "Don't even pretend that you didn't notice."
"I know." I sighed. "Both of my mates are as feral as they come." I didn't really want to admit it. It's hard enough for a Breeder to contain and satisfy one feral mate, but two? How was I going to deal with that? Vanessa struggled with all the things feral werecats struggle with—language, anger, lust.
"Not as feral as Feral-borns, mind you." He grinned.
"That's true." I smirked and swatted him on the arm. Feral-borns are Changers that were born in their animal or beast forms. Both parents had to be Changers for that to happen. "She doesn't have the steadfast eye color in all forms like you do though. So maybe it's not official."
"That's only a werewolf thing, baby. For feral werecats, their eyes change to cat eyes and beast eyes while in human form. That signifies the feral quality in them." He stroked my hair while he spoke.
"What?" I turned to face him fully.
"Not all werespecies are the same when it comes to being labeled feral." His smile was soft, though I could tell there was a bit of amusement hidden behind it.
"So she really is feral, just like you." Vanessa's eyes were constantly changing. From yellow irises with slit pupils to the red of the beast that rivaled her emerald greens. I hadn't a clue that it originated from her feral nature. It was a lot to absorb. Two feral mates... What was I going to do?
"Indeed. So what sparked her frustration?" Mal continued to probe.
"When I said I would go to Ireland with her, she got excited and got on top of me. I let her though. It scared me at first but then she was..." My cheeks grew hot in a blush that I didn't expect.
"She's sexy, I know." He laughed at me. "It's okay to say how you feel about her."
"She's sexy." I huffed. "I didn't want her to stop what she was doing but he..." My words caught in my throat. A surge of anger raced up my body and over my shoulders. I attempted to swallow it but Mal's chest began to rumble. I knew right then that he'd picked up on my innermost feelings toward my father, like any strong mate could.
"He what?" His words tangled with the growl he worked hard to stifle.
"He's always there. My asshole father. When I'm with you, when I'm with her, he's always there. He's dead and gone, and burning in hell and still, still I can't get him off of me!" I shouted and shoved away from him. "I feel him and see him. When Vanessa got on top of me, I saw him do it. I feel him inside me and I have to constantly tell myself that it's not him even though that's what my eyes are seeing. I can't stand it, Mal, I can't."
I tasted the salty tears that gathered on my lips before I even noticed that I was crying. Mal didn't let me get too far from him. He grabbed my wrist, tugging me to his chest. I fought him at first, struggling against his grip but he didn't let up. His warm, masculine arms encased my torso, holding me in place. His growling radiated through me in a way that made it feel like I was the one who was growling.
"I hate him. I hate him. He killed my mom." I sobbed. "He killed her."
"How did he kill her?" He turned me in his lap so that I was straddling his legs and facing him. I cried as the intense desire to tell him everything, everything that had ever happened to me and to my mom, erupted inside me like a volcano. I wished he could take it all away and make it better.
"The White Coats. The White Coats came. E-tsi. Tla! No! The White Coats took her. My father called them to take her. She was in the kitchen. They came in the back door. Silver. They had silver chainmail. They threw it over her and sprayed her with something that made her skin burn." Sobs caught in my throat and I choked. "I tried to get the silver off her. It was so heavy." My hands moved as if I was lifting the heavy metal from her body. "He grabbed me away from her and held me to make me watch." I grabbed onto Mal tightly when I heard my father's voice in my head. "'This is what you get for telling, you little bitch,'" the words echoed from my mouth. "I couldn't help her. She kept telling me to run, but I couldn't run. He held me. The White Coats took her and killed her." My body collapsed against him as the memories released me and left me sobbing and trembling from head to toe. From over Mal's shoulder, I saw Xany and Caden through my tears. My distress had summoned them.
"Who are the White Coats?" Mal rubbed my back now that I wasn't shouting so much.
"The Andrus. He turned her over to the Andrus. He lied. I never told anyone. He said he would hurt her if I told but I didn't tell." I sniffled. "He killed her anyway. And then I go and accidentally work for them. It's all my fault."
"None of this is your fault." His words were difficult to distinguish from his growling.
"He hurt me every day after she died." My breathing slowed and I put my head on his shoulder. I'd never sat on him in this position before but with his arms consuming me and the heat of his chest against mine, it was nothing short of pure comfort.
Xany met my gaze momentarily. I'd never seen her look so sad. She clutched her chest because I probably gave her some sort of empath overload. Caden had his eyes closed with one hand outstretched in front of him. His Alpha energy seemed to wrap around me and Mal. It pressed into me and I was overcome with feelings of safety and warmth. Caden made it seem like I was melting into Mal and becoming part of him. I could feel his wolf and hear his heart beating with mine.
Birthrite (Legacy Series Book 2) Page 3