Nuclear Family

by Susanna Fogel

  That’s it for now. I’ll let you know if I think of anything else. Sorry if I hurt your feelings last weekend, but this letter should explain why you can’t blame me.

  Rachel

  PS—If you’re not sure how to do any of the above, let me know and next time you guys come up here I could give you a full makeover. I’m sure my friends would help too. Then we could bring the new you to some parties, and I would bet you so much money you would have a totally different experience. Have you seen Clueless yet? It’s out in the theaters now, and there’s a great makeover scene in it we could use for inspiration …

  Your Eight-Year-Old Sister Had to Write This Letter for School

  Dear Julie,

  Mrs. Mullen made us write a letter to someone we admire. I admire you because you read a lot of books and you tell funny jokes that make me laugh when I am sad.

  How are you? Do you like being in college? Is New York City cold like Boston? Last weekend I slept over Dad’s new apartment. He said I could bring a friend and I invited Sage but she had a headache and Dad said no in case its bacterial meningitis. So I went by myself. I got scared in the middle of the night because I heard a loud noise but Dad said it was just drinking college kids. One of them fell asleep on the stairs outside. We had to walk over his legs. Do you like to sleep on the stairs at college?

  Dads house isnt as nice as Moms. Dad said thats because Mom steals his money every month even though she has a job too and womens rights shouldnt be a code for men to get screwed in the eyes of Law. I asked Mom why she stole and she got mad because Dad put me in the middle. I dont want to go back to Dads. He spends the whole time in his office and makes me play nintendo in the den. He said im not allowed to go in his office but I went in it yesterday when he was downstairs getting mail. There were a lot of pictures of naked ladies on his computer. One of them looked like our babysitter from Holland but it wasnt her.

  Yours Truly,

  Jane Feller

  Your Hot Cousin Paul and His Friends Might Want to Chill Later

  What’s up Julie,

  Looks like I’m coming down to NYC this weekend with some of my water polo boys—we have interviews on Monday at Merrill Lynch. Not sure about that Wall Street life but any excuse to get the fuck out of Syracuse. Let me know if there are any chill parties we need to know about on your campus. My mom said you’re in a comedy show based on the life of Eleanor Roosevelt on Saturday night—I don’t think we’d come to that but let me know if there’s an after party.

  P

  Your Grandma Rose Just Got a Yahoo Account

  Hi Julie, It’s Grandma Rose and I am writing to let you know my e-mail address is RoseLerner@yahoo.com. They are trying to teach everyone at North Park Village how to use e-mail. They say it will allow us to spend more time with our loved ones.

  I don’t buy it.

  Your Mom, Who Hasn’t Seen Your Dad Since the Divorce, Wants to Talk Logistics for Your Graduation Weekend

  Hi Jules,

  I just wanted to touch base about this weekend.

  I still remember dropping you off at your dorm four years ago, watching as my bright, curious girl with wide eyes, ready to take on the world, retreated away from me down a long, hallowed hall filled with history and knowledge that was ready to welcome her with open arms. And now, in just four days, I get to watch a beautiful, intelligent woman stand onstage and revel in all her success and hard work. Honey, I’m kvelling already!

  I also wanted to reassure you that I will be completely fine seeing your dad this weekend.

  I’ve worked with so many patients who have very fraught feelings about their ex-spouses. When they interact with them, despite their good intentions, they are unable to control themselves and put aside their own “baggage” and resentments. I would never want to put you in that position at such an important and memorable time in your life.

  That’s why I have been working on a “schedule” to ensure that your dad and I won’t have to interact at any point other than at the ceremony itself. That way, neither he nor I will run the risk that the tension and unresolved angst that remains (and always will) between us will threaten the happy memories you deserve to make!

  I hope this makes you feel less nervous about the weekend.

  Love,

  Mom

  Your Dad, Who Hasn’t Seen Your Mom Since the Divorce, Wants to Talk Logistics for Your Graduation Weekend

  Dear Julie,

  It was with great pride that I received an e-mail from your university that you have made their dean’s list.

  Ordinarily, I would say this foretells an advantage for you in the job market, but given that you have chosen to pursue a career in creative writing, the accomplishment is probably irrelevant from a practical standpoint.

  Still, a nice feather in your cap.

  I also received my invitation to your commencement ceremony. I eagerly await a weekend of celebration, reflection, and reconnecting with your mother now that several years have passed since our divorce. I assume any resentment on her end is water under the bridge and that she has been enjoying as active a dating life as I have. I look forward to exchanging anecdotes with her, along with a laugh over how woefully mismatched we were as a couple.

  The naïveté of youth!

  Love,

  Dad

  Your Fourteen-Year-Old Sister, Who Is Dating a Seventeen Year Old, Can’t Wait for Her First Trip to New York

  Dear Julie!

  Hi! I can’t wait to see you this weekend at yr graduation! How excited are you? And mom said you made a Deans List? I have no idea what that is but it sounds cool!!!!!!

  How weird is it gonna be to see Mom and Dad together again?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

  Mom keeps telling me she’s fine with it but every night she has been staying up all night watching some tv show about unsolved murders???????? I’m like are you taking notes so you can kill Dad???!!! hahahaha. Don’t worry I will sit in between them during your graduation just in case … (I have been taking karate…)

  I also have a small favor to ask—I know u will be busy graduating but is there any way you would also have some time to take me to get a fake ID in Times Square this weekend? (NOT FOR DRINKING!!!! Just so I can go to this club on Lansdowne St. that is 18+! But Ammar said I should get it for age 21 anyway just to keep our options open.) Maybe we could tell Mom we are going to a museum or something? Haha except its me so she would know that’s a lie! But we could come up with something else. Let me know!!!!!

  xoxoxoxo

  Jane

  Ps—I think I might have sex with Ammar soon wish me luck!

  Your Favorite ’90s Musicians Would Like to Drop Some Knowledge on You

  Hey friend,

  Amy Ray and Emily Saliers here—we don’t have to tell you we’re also known as the Indigo Girls. This is your favorite album. That’s why you’re listening to it today, on your graduation day, while you pack up your dorm room to start your new life. We’re super honored to provide the soundtrack for your—okay, we were about to say “rite of passage,” but it felt a little obvious. As you know, we prefer metaphors that really make you think.

  We’ve gotta keep this short. We’re trying to reach out to all the girls who are listening to us on their graduation days. Maybe that’s a little ambitious since that’s more than three million letters, but we figure if anyone has enough power to make it happen, it’s us.

  We’d say we’re like Santa Claus, except as you can imagine we’re not super into organized religion.

  So we’ll get to it: Your parents just left. You wish they hadn’t, even though you told them to. You just needed to be alone. Or that’s what you thought you wanted. Now you feel too alone. But they shouldn’t have had that fight at the restaurant last night. That dinner was supposed to be a celebration—this whole weekend was. Hey, Julie, you know what? That just wasn’t about you. That’s their stuff, their history. You can’t take on the burdens, the resentments, the mistakes of those who came before you. Seriousl
y, we have so many songs about this.

  Still, you could have used their advice. Your real life is about to start, and it seems like it might be terrible. Your new apartment, above a cigar shop in Long Island City, doesn’t even have a working shower. Your new roommate is someone from your psych class that you don’t even like that much. You don’t have a job yet, and Big Apple Staffing said things are always slow in the summer. What if they never call, and you have no choice but to move back home to Boston? What if you’re too depressed to write anything ever again? What if nothing about you ends up being special, and then you die an unremarkable death?

  Girl, we get it. Life is scary stuff. But the good news is there’s no one right way to live it. There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing you in a crooked line. Not trying to be narcissistic there, we just can’t think of any better or more resonant way to phrase it. I mean, can you?

  Gotta run now, Julie. We’re heading up to Sarah Lawrence after this, and that stop’s going to take hours. But hang in there, okay? We love you.

  Amy and Emily

  Your Fifteen-Year-Old Sister Has Some Tips on How to Blow Your Guy’s Mind

  Hi Julie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Thank you for sending me the most beautiful purse in the world for my birthday I love it and I am using it every day! (even though I have like no money to put in it haha). You are the best sister on planet earth! And it really means a lot cuz I know u don’t make a lot of money in yr receptionist job.

  Ammar is sitting next to me right now and he wants me to thank u from him too because the purse reminds him of something Carmen Electra would use and she is his celebrity crush!!!!

  How is being out of college? Im so jealous u are done with school forever LOL. Even tho I know yr job sucks and u don’t have enough time to write. U will figure it out.

  How are things going with Matt? I know u said u guys were having problems because he felt too much pressure being your first boyfriend—but Ammar said that sounds like bullshit. He said normal guys love being the first so he thinks Matt is probably gay. But I think maybe he just feels like yr not experienced enough in bed so he is starting to look around but really doesn’t want to hurt u?

  Anyway just in case you are curious about some tips on how to rock his world—CALL ME!!!!! I have one that Ammar and I discovered that always gets results LOL. It involves a grapefruit …

  Ugh gotta go mom is kicking Ammar out cuz she wants me to do my homework that woman is crazy more later I LOVE YOU SISTERRRRRRRR!!!

  —J-Slice

  Your Mom Does Not Need You to Write Her Back!

  Hi sweetie,

  I’m sending this regular mail because I’m staying off my e-mail for now. Some weird things have been happening with my account. I got a very strange message last week from an anonymous address—I won’t tell you what it said because I don’t want to embarrass you, but let’s just say it was clearly intended to be provocative. I called the Apple Store and made an appointment for tomorrow so they can take a look at my computer and reprogram it so I don’t get any more of these. The writer actually seems like he or she might be mentally disturbed. There were all sorts of big letters and different colors and then the whole thing is apparently trying to get me to buy something you clip on to the side of your penis? Or, you know, not your penis. A man’s penis. I really don’t know how they got ahold of my e-mail address.

  Before I go on, I just wanted to say don’t feel any pressure to reply. I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had last time I visited you, when you took me to that little bar you and your friends like and you said it seems like I need us to be best friends and it makes you feel like a bad daughter. Honey, I don’t know where you got the impression that I have those kinds of expectations. I have a very full life here in Newton. I’ve been spending a lot of time at Temple Emanuel, and they have so many concerts and activities I’m getting involved in. Of course, most of the women my age there are married, but it’s not like they pity me or anything—except occasionally around the holidays. Anyway, want to hear something fun? My friend Ruth’s husband David wants to fix me up with a man from his work! The only thing is David thinks he might have cancer. We’re going to figure out what kind of cancer it is. I’ll keep you posted.

  Other than that, I’ve been having a blast working on my little roof garden! Or trying: it’s about ten degrees out. Last week there was some black ice on the deck and I had a fall, but don’t worry! I’m fine now. They only made me stay at the hospital one night. I thought about calling you, but I know how busy you are, so I just figured if you happened to call me to say hi I’d tell you. It’s funny—the whole time I was lying on that cot at Mass General, I kept thinking, this never would have happened if I lived near Julie! But obviously that’s just a hypothetical. I was only thinking about that because I’m getting into gardening. I really do have a lot going on here. I just signed up to volunteer for the Democratic Party, so that’s been a lot of fun.

  That reminds me: the Democratic Party gave us a sign-up sheet for volunteering. I told them I had to check your schedule—I don’t want them depending on me if you want me to come visit. Don’t worry: I’ll book a hotel room this time! I remember at the bar that night, you said you felt weird sleeping in the same bed with your mother now that you’re in your late twenties. I’m so glad we have the kind of relationship where you can be honest with me. I’ll get a room at the Westin. And I’ll make sure it has two beds in case you want to sleep there too. Of course, if you’d rather go home at the end of the night I’d understand, but if you wanted to have a glass of wine and not have to worry about getting all the way back to Queens, we could have a little slumber party at the hotel and then the next morning we could get up and go for a walk in Central Park and then a light lunch and maybe to a museum and/or shopping and then a nice cozy dinner somewhere. But only if that works for you.

  One last thing. I’m sending you a little package from Mail Boxes Etcetera. It’s a box of cards I bought at Brookline Booksmith; they’re blank inside but on the outside are these beautiful paintings. They’re very European, almost medieval. There’s a quote on the front: “A friend is a second self.”—Cicero. They remind me of that summer we traveled to Florence before your first year of high school, right before we found out about Dad and the IRS. That may have been the best two weeks of my life. But don’t feel obligated to send me a card! Of course, if you did, I’d put it on the fridge; you just shouldn’t feel any pressure because I already have a lot of cards on my fridge. I just added a really nice one from Dianne Feinstein. Well, not Dianne Feinstein herself; it’s from her office. I donated to her campaign, even though I don’t live in California. I’m just very impressed (and proud!) of all she’s been able to accomplish as a Jewish woman. The card has a picture of her whole family sitting by the fireplace. They seem really close-knit. I heard an interview with her on All Things Considered and she was saying she and her daughter talk every day.

  Okay, honey, it’s getting late here. Time to brush my teeth and watch an episode of Law & Order: SVU and hit the sack. There was an interesting episode on last night about parents who hadn’t heard from their daughter in a week. They thought she was just busy at work, but it turned out a sociopathic man had kidnapped her and tied her up in a basement and only untied her when he was forcing her to mutilate herself and some small children. It was very suspenseful. I think you’d appreciate the writing. I’ll try to record it on my DVR so that next time you visit here we can watch it together.

  With so much love,

  Mom

  Your Sister Said Something Racist to Your Dad’s New Girlfriend

  Hey Jules,

  Just tried u but got yr voice mail. So I just met the lady dad is dating … did u know she is Chinese? Not that I care, I mean my new boyfriend Carlos is puerto rican and I think his grandma is part Cherokee, I’m just sayin I think its kinda weird Dad never mentioned that???? anyway ugh this part is so embarrassing … so I was supposed to go over to
his place to meet her and have dinner and I walk in and they had ordered all this chinese food and I go IT SMELLS LIKE CHINESE and then this fucking chinese woman walks into the room! she’s all Hi I’m May Ling nice to meet you! And like I didn’t say Chinese FOOD when I walked in—I just said it smells like Chinese … so then the whole night I was like oh fuck does she think I’m a racist now?!?!?!? Thanks for the warning dad.

  Another fucked up thing dad did … last weekend we were having one of our awkward lunches we are forced to have every other week since the divorce haha and I tell him I need some $$$$ to get a new raincoat bc I am supposed to go camping with carlos soon. then dad suddenly gets super obsessed with driving me to the REI outlet. I was confused cause u know Dad and there is no way he needs anything at an athletic store. But then he gets off at this random exit and drives onto a random college campus!! I think its called Tufts. He’s all AS LONG AS WE’RE DRIVING BY WE MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A TOUR!!!! Ugh real subtle dude. then these super jewish dudes with yamakas (sp?) walk by talking about like physics and I’m like dad are you blind these are so not my people! just bc of the science shit not bc of the yamakas haha. Ok how many racist things can I say in one email???? Lololol but seriously. My grades and test scores suck and I am counting down the days till I graduate HS next year. its like dude sorry but you may end up only having one daughter who grows up to be a nerd. haha no offense.

  Meanwhile moms all HONEY I WILL BE PROUD OF YOU NO MATTER WHAT PATH YOU CHOOSE. Like I could become a drug dealer and she would be sending out newsletters to her friends bragging like you guys my beautiful daughter sold 8 kilos of cocaine this month! Haha. So weird they ever got married!!!!