Can Anybody Find Me (Kiss Me at Midnight)

by Julia Alaric

  Will didn't answer immediately, just leaned in for their customary kiss of greeting. Andrew met him halfway, expecting the ritual. What he didn't expect was to be backed up against the counter while Will refused to pull away. When he finally did, Andrew offered the uncomfortable smile Will knew meant he wanted Will to stop pushing, gaze skittering away as he tried to sneak out of Will's hold. Not letting him escape, Will told him very seriously, "I love you, Andrew. I will always love you."

  Andrew's gaze snapped back to Will, eyebrows drawn together above his concerned eyes. "Are you all right, Will?"

  Hardly. With everything he had been feeling for the past weeks and months weighing on him, with his relief at finding something certain to cling to, his throat achy and his lower lip suspiciously close to quivering, Will didn't try to speak. He just shook his head and buried his face in Andrew's hair.

  "What's wrong?" Andrew's voice was soothing, his fingers even more so as they threaded into the short hairs at the back of Will's neck and drew small circles there. "How can I help?"

  Will didn't respond for a moment, just soaking in the comfort of Andrew's closeness. When he thought he could speak again, he pushed himself upright on his own strength and leaned back far enough to look into Andrew's face but not so far that he would have to let go. "You know I love you, right?"

  "Of course." His blue eyes were puzzled, but the furrow between his eyebrows was one of worry. "Will?"

  "Just kiss me, please," Will asked desperately. "I need you to kiss me." But when he leaned in, Andrew leaned away, twisting his neck back and to the side, his expression suspicious.

  "You didn't …" The question trailed off but lingered in his face and in the tension suddenly making his body rigid. "Did something happen? Why are you talking like you cheated on me?"

  Will's eyes snapped wide along with his mouth. "No, no! God, no. I would never." He feverishly pressed kisses to whatever parts of Andrew's face he could reach, willing him to relax. "No, never, it's just that …" He collapsed against Andrew again, burying his face in Andrew's short, wiry hair, nuzzling at his cheek. "Everything else is shit right now. But you I know I can count on. I just need a little while to sort of wrap myself up in you. Bask in the one good thing I know with certainty is mine."

  With a sigh of relief, Andrew's shoulders eased. His hands lifted to Will's cheeks, holding him steady while Andrew searched his eyes. "Honey, what's wrong?"

  Will exhaled. "I will tell you, I promise. But I need you first." He kissed Andrew softly, letting his fingers slip under the hem of Andrew's t-shirt to slide over the warm skin just above his jeans. "Please."

  Thankfully, Andrew didn't protest when Will leaned in again, and when Will opened his mouth, Andrew followed suit. Will ran his hands greedily up under Andrew's shirt, taking advantage of his compliance before Andrew had a chance to change his mind. He was tugging it off in minutes and reaching down for the button on Andrew's jeans. As usual, Andrew's enthusiasm instantly flagged.

  "Are you sure …?"

  "Yes, Andrew," Will replied before he could finish the question. "I want you so badly. I've been thinking about it all afternoon. It's really the only thing keeping me sane, even though it's driving me insane in a different sort of way." He paused a moment to flash a quick smile at Andrew before pushing Andrew's jeans and boxers over his hips and watching them puddle at his feet. "You're gorgeous, and I love you, and I need you. In every way imaginable. It's been a long day at the end of a long week—hell, a long month—and I just really want you."

  Andrew raised an eyebrow skeptically. "At the end of a bad day, you need to fuck a guy with a small dick?"

  Will frowned at him. "Don't talk about yourself that way. And no, Andrew, I don't need to fuck a guy with a small dick. I need my husband to show me he loves me."

  Andrew's expression softened. "Sorry, you know I do. I adore you. I would do anything for you." He leaned in to kiss Will gently, lips lingering though he made no move to press their bodies closer together.

  "Then take me to bed," Will requested softly. "Please? I want you on me, in me, and all around me. I don't want room in my head for anything else but you." Inhaling deeply, he skimmed his nose down from Andrew's ear to his bare shoulder. "I want your smell to fill my nostrils. I want your taste," he continued, sweeping his tongue into Andrew's mouth, "to be the only thing I taste." He dropped to his knees and licked the side of Andrew's cock. Looking up through his lashes, he took Andrew into his mouth with a sigh of contentment. This was something he was sure of. Everything, from the scent of a day's worth of sweat and musk to the expression on Andrew's face, caught between pleasure and embarrassment, to the pubic hair Will could already feel he was going to be picking off his tongue later, all of it was real, and it was true, and it was familiar; he wanted every gritty detail of it to last forever. This was no idealized dream. This was no possibility of something good. This was no nostalgic memory. This was the truth of Will's life, and no matter what else happened, he would hang onto this with both hands.

  "You don't have to do this," Andrew offered uncomfortably. "I know you don't really like to when I haven't showered recently."

  Will smiled as much as he could with his mouth full. Andrew was right, and plenty of times in the past, Will would have taken the out. Not today. He wanted the sour bitterness in his mouth to overwhelm his taste buds and block out the acidic churning of his stomach that had plagued him for the last three weeks. Most of all, he wanted to make Andrew feel something even half as strong as what Will was feeling for him.

  But he didn't want Andrew to come yet. He had been serious about wanting Andrew inside him. So Will spent another minute trying to get Andrew's eyes to roll back in his head and then pulled away with a pop. "Come on," he grinned, suddenly thinking of Queen again. "Your good old-fashioned lover boy wants you in our bed pronto."

  "All right, Freddie." Andrew laughed quietly as Will grabbed his hand. "I can't walk with my pants around my ankles, lover boy. Not to mention that I have no interest in traumatizing the neighbors when I walk past the open living room window, and we still have no curtains."

  "We've lived here for five years. We might as well acknowledge that we're never getting curtains." Will grinned again as the admission lifted a tiny bit more weight from his shoulders. He leaned in to kiss Andrew, but he caught just the corner of his mouth as Andrew turned his head away.

  "Sorry," Andrew apologized, looking sheepish, "but I know where your mouth has been."

  "Oh, right." Will pressed a kiss to his cheek instead. "I forgot."

  Although he gave blowjobs like a champ and swallowed Will's come without hesitation, Andrew always got a bit squeamish at the thought of kissing a mouth that had just been wrapped around his own cock. That was all right with Will; he had never gotten off on the taste of himself either, so he understood. He wondered sometimes with curious disgust whether the guys who did licked their own fingers clean after jacking off in private. Andrew's preference for mouthwash after a blowjob made much more sense to him. "I'm going to go rinse my mouth out while you make yourself presentable for the fifteen foot walk to bed."

  Andrew reached for his boxers while Will entered the bathroom. A quick swish with some Listerine and he was ready to kiss again. A few more steps, and he was in the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind him.

  "Hey," Andrew said quietly with a little crooked smile, already in the process of shucking his pants and underwear again.

  "Hey." Will reached for the hem of his own shirt and pulled it up over his head.

  "Bad day, huh?"

  A puff of air escaped Will's nose. "Terrible. Enlightening, though. Can we talk about this later? Right now, I'm hard, you're naked, and we're in our bedroom together." He pushed his pants and briefs over his hips while he toed out of his shoes before joining Andrew where he sat on the bed. "I love you," Will said once more, smiling when it continued to drive away his anxiety, smiling even more broadly because this time he got to see Andrew smile back. He pres
sed his minty lips against Andrew's for a moment, bringing his hand up to trace lightly along Andrew's thigh.

  "I love you, too," Andrew murmured with a little contented sound that made Will's heart flutter with happiness.

  Will fell back onto the bed, pulling Andrew along with him while one arm went around his neck and the other settled at the base of his spine. His legs fell open in invitation as he tugged Andrew on top of him, fingers and mouth enjoying every bit of skin he could comfortably reach.

  When he reached over for the lube in the nightstand, he decided not to pull out a condom. He and Andrew often used them to reduce the mess, but they didn't need them. Neither of them had been with anyone else since college, nor would they ever be. Today Will wanted Andrew as close as he could be, which meant skin to skin everywhere.

  Andrew's eyebrows rose slightly when Will reached for Andrew instead of slicking up his own cock, but he didn't say anything as Will got them ready. A minute later, Andrew was sliding in with a loud exhalation. Even knowing it was coming, Will couldn't quite bite back the gasp he made in response. Andrew's eyes met his, and Will smiled reassuringly.

  "How do you want it?" Andrew asked. "Fast? Slow? Hard?"

  "However you want. I just want you as close as I can get you," Will answered. "Whatever that looks like."

  Apparently, it looked like Andrew crushing him into the mattress while Will's arms and legs wrapped around him like a gasping, moaning koala. It was perfect. Every time he could bring himself to remove his lips from Andrew's mouth or neck, Will repeated how much he loved him. Andrew's hand wrapped around his cock and stroked along with the short, sharp movements of his hips until they were both shuddering and swearing with release.

  While the sweat and come were drying, Andrew let out a heavy breath. "Well, that was fun." Will snorted, grinning, accustomed to Andrew's understatements after sex. "Are you ready to talk yet?"

  Will inhaled a breath, held it, tightening his arms around Andrew's back, and released it in a gust. Slowly he nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

  Andrew didn't say anything, just held him and quietly waited. Will rested his head on Andrew's chest while he searched for words, closing his eyes when Andrew's hand wound into his curls.

  "I don't know what to do with my life," Will sighed at last. "I'm bored with my graduate classes. I miss teaching. I don't fit in with the other people in my program."

  "Well, you're part-time, you're commuting, and you're married. That's three strikes against a college social life."

  "I know." Will grimaced at the petulance sneaking into his tone. He didn't want to whine. "I'm also older than they are, and I've had a real job. But that's not what I mean about not fitting in. It's more that I'm just … different."

  Andrew's fingers stilled their slow movements. "You mean gay?" he asked cautiously.

  He shook his head impatiently. "No. I've had a long time to get used to being that sort of different." He glanced up with a wry smile and added, "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have married you if I were going to suddenly freak out about being the only kid in school who liked other guys."

  "Doesn't mean the other kids are going to play nice with you." Andrew started to twist Will's curls around his fingers again. "Do the students in your program know about me?"

  Will's smile widened. "Of course. You think I can avoid talking about you for ten whole minutes in a row, much less two straight semesters?"

  "And they're okay with it?"

  Will shrugged. "I don't really care what they think. Nobody's shoving me into lockers, cornering me after school, or any of that shit. It's graduate school in 2013, not high school in 1998. If any of them have a problem, they're keeping it to themselves. It's not as though I hang out with them a ton."

  Andrew lifted his head off the bed and gestured with his chin for Will to come up for a kiss. Three soft brushes of lips later, he asked, "If it's not commuting, being part-time, being married, or being gay, what's left?"

  Will frowned as he tried to think of how to phrase what he felt. After a minute, he decided on, "I'm just a different sort of person than most people in the field, I think. I think speech pathology tends to attract the kindergarten teacher sort. You know what I mean? Women who coo over babies and speak with wide eyes to little children, the sort who honestly love to play house and feed teddy bears. I don't know; that sounds stupid, as if I don't admire or respect those sorts of people, and I totally do, but I'm …" He sighed. "I'm just not like that, you know?"

  A little furrow appeared between Andrew's dark eyebrows. "But you liked teaching elementary kids, and they adored you. You were really good at it."

  Will sighed again. "I know. That's true. It's just … I don't … I don't thrive on it, you know? I can do it, and I do it well. I can even enjoy myself while I'm doing it, but it's exhausting for me. I don't look forward to it. Teenagers, on the other hand, I also teach well, and I come out of class with a buzz like I've just had an entire keg full of espresso, and I can't wait to go back again the next day."

  He waited for Andrew's two cents, but Andrew just watched him silently with calm, slightly concerned eyes. His thumb skimmed lightly along Will's cheekbone.

  "It just makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing, I guess." Will turned his face away again, tucking his head into the crook of Andrew's neck and shoulder. "I can't decide if I think about teaching all the time because that's what I should be doing, or if I think about it because it's what I know. I don't know if I'm bored with my program because the career is going to bore me, or if it's just because classes have always been easy for me and I don't know what I'm doing yet. And then I worry because I think quitting is just giving up, but then I think not quitting when I don't like what I'm doing is a waste of money, and I worry that you're going to be disappointed if I quit, and I worry that all of the people who wrote me glowing letters of recommendation are going to be disappointed in me, and I kind of freak out every time somebody asks me why I'm going to school again."

  "Sweetheart," Andrew interrupted with that mildly exasperated tone Will had come to recognize meant that he thought Will was being a little bit ridiculous. For once, Will was glad to hear it. "Nobody's going to be disappointed in you for doing what you love. Especially not me."

  "But you keep talking about how we'll be making bank when I'm done, and then we can move out of this piece of shit house, and you won't feel so much pressure about your own job. If I quit, you lose all of that." Will's voice came out small, and he curled himself up smaller to match, burying his face so far into Andrew's neck that he felt the sigh against his forehead before he heard it.

  "I don't want you to feel trapped either, Will. We don't have to move. There's a lot we could do to this house to make it better. I just want you to feel like you're an equal contributor to this partnership. I know you've been self-conscious about how much more money I make than you, and I don't want you to feel like my kept man." He wiggled his eyebrows, smiling when that made Will laugh a little. "What I want most is for you to love your life with me. I don't care what career you choose; I don't care how much money you make. Just do what will make you happiest."

  "I do love my life with you. I just don't want to disappoint you." A large portion of the tension Will had been carrying around for the past month eased. "So if I quit and went back to school for my teaching certificate, you wouldn't be upset?"

  "No, not at all." Andrew backed up his words with a kiss to Will's hair. "Do what makes you happy. Just decide."

  Will inhaled. "That's the hard part. I don't know what to pick."

  "Doesn't matter, honey," Andrew told him confidently. "We'll make things work either way. You're a smart man, you're incredibly talented, and whatever field you choose, you will rock."

  Out came the breath he'd been holding. "Okay. Thanks."

  Andrew's hand slid down to the back of Will's neck, his thumb pressing gently into the muscles on either side of his spine. Will made an incoherent sound of approval as the tightness bled further away w
ith each circle of Andrew's thumb.

  "Is there anything else?"

  Will tried to sift through his thoughts. "I'm sorry I've been such a bastard lately. And I know I've been an idiot about my birthday. It's just that with all of this weighing on me, the pressure sort of snapped my ability to cope with the failure."

  Andrew's movements faltered. "Failure?"

  Will hiked his leg higher over Andrew's thighs as he twisted a little to move more on top of Andrew, which reminded him that they had a mess to clean up between them. Later. He had more important things to get off his chest than cold come at the moment. "The failure to reach all the things I wanted to be when I was thirty. Instead of being settled in a tenure-track job at a university somewhere with PhD firmly in hand, I'm a confused MA student thinking about dropping out of school so I can teach rowdy high school kids." He pressed his mouth to the top of Andrew's clavicle. "Like I tried to say earlier, I realized today that you are the one thing in my life I am absolutely sure about. I love you, and I am one hundred percent committed to you and to our marriage, and no matter what else happens with school or work or getting older or anything else, I will always love you."

  The arm Andrew had draped across Will's waist tightened. His voice was little husky when he answered, "I love you too, Will. Forever."

  "Promise?"

  "Already did." He was smiling when Will looked up, though it seemed a little watery around the edges. He held up his left hand and wiggled his ring finger. "Remember?"

  Will's eyes dropped to his own wedding ring. "Yeah. It's just nice to hear you still mean it."

  "Hey, Will?"

  He turned his face up, propping his chin on Andrew's chest.

  "Get up here and kiss me."

  Happy to oblige, Will wriggled his way up the bed until his nose bumped Andrew's. Andrew lifted his chin while Will dipped his face, and their lips met between them for a long moment, not moving or seeking, just touching. Not a question or a demand; a statement.