Playing With Fire

by Mary Larkin

  Without a backward glance he left her. She stood there, petrified, watching him out of sight, unable to believe it was all over.

  For some time she remained where she was, trying to come to terms with his rejection. Surely if he had any feelings at all for her he would not have turned down her offer in such a crude way. She felt like a prostitute who had not come up to expectations. Shame sent a hot flush washing over her body as she relived her wanton actions. It abated, leaving her icy cold and shaking all over. There was a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Tears rolled down her face and she brushed them angrily away. She would show him, so she would. He’d never get another chance to reject her.

  Nerves ragged, she made her way up the street and entered the driveway to her home, all the while muttering angrily to herself. Dismay brought her tirade to a halt as she saw Graham leave the house and head for his car. She turned and hurried down the drive again, hoping to elude him, but he caught sight of her and started towards her. ‘Susan . . . Hey, there.’

  Forced to retrace her steps, she was glad of the shadows; hoped he wouldn’t look too closely.

  Peering anxiously at her, he asked, ‘Susan, is anything the matter?’

  An involuntary shiver passed through her body. He put an arm round her shoulders in concern. ‘Come on, let’s get you into the house where it’s warm.’

  ‘No. No! I can’t go in just yet. I can’t face anybody at the moment.’

  He was in a quandary. He couldn’t leave her out here in this state, but what else could he do?

  His eye lit on his car and, taking her by the arm, he said, ‘Let’s sit in the car until you feel better. It will be a lot warmer there.’

  I’ll never feel better again, she thought bitterly, but allowed herself to be helped into the back seat of his car.

  He clasped her cold hand between his and tried to rub some warmth into it. ‘You’re frozen, Susan. Tell me what’s wrong. Have you and Jim quarrelled?’

  Suddenly his kindness made it all too much to bear and harsh sobs tore from her throat.

  Aghast, Graham gathered her close and murmured words of comfort in her ear. ‘It’ll be all right. Why, Alison and I also had a tiff tonight. All couples disagree sometime or other. It’s human nature.’

  Her mouth yawned wide in protest. ‘Uh-huh. It’s worse than that. He doesn’t want to see me again.’

  ‘Don’t be silly! He loves you.’

  Pressing her forehead against his chest, she burrowed wildly against it, wailing away. ‘He doesn’t. He doesn’t. You don’t understand! I made such a fool of myself. I’m so ashamed. I offered myself to him and he pushed me away in disgust.’ She drew back and gazed up at him, to see his reaction to her words. ‘Would you turn Alison down, if she wanted to . . . to . . . you know what I mean.’

  In the dim light he smiled wryly. Turn Alison down? Chance would be a fine thing. She kept him firmly at arm’s length. Alison took all she could get and gave nothing in return. He was having second thoughts where she was concerned. Meanwhile he couldn’t believe that any full-blooded man would turn a girl like Susan down. Over the weeks he had found himself very attracted to her. She wasn’t as pretty as her sister, but she had more between the ears. He had been amazed at how much he looked forward to his dance with her every week. Now here she was, in his arms, and every nerve in his body was aware of her.

  ‘I bet he wasn’t disgusted,’ he said gently. ‘You’ve misunderstood, so you have. Why, it’s obvious Jim loves you.’

  His fingers entwined in her hair and he gently drew her head back so that he could see her face. ‘No man in his right senses would turn you down, Susan. No man. You’re lovely.’

  Her eyes widened into great dark pools of mystery and her lips trembled at his words of admiration. He warned himself to be careful; she trusted him and didn’t realize how tempting she was being.

  ‘Let’s get you inside. Your parents have retired and I’m sure Alison will be in bed by now. Come on, I’ll make you a nice cup of tea before I go.’ He put her gently from him and turned to leave the car. She was so vulnerable; he had to get away from the temptation, before his body betrayed his desire for her.

  Relieved to hear that her parents were in bed and she wouldn’t have to face them, Susan relaxed. ‘Give me another couple of minutes, Graham. If Alison is still awake, she’ll ask all kinds of questions. She won’t give up until she hears the truth, and I couldn’t bear that.’

  He left a space between them and turned in his seat to watch her.

  Her eyes searched his face, seeing the sadness there. Momentarily distracted from her own misery, she asked gently, ‘Why did you and Alison quarrel tonight, Graham?’

  ‘Oh, the usual. Nothing important. To be truthful, we’ve quarrelled quite a lot lately.’

  A cold hand reached out to cover his. ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. You’re a very nice person.’

  He covered her hand with his. ‘You’re still freezing.’ She moved closer and his arm circled her waist as she snuggled against the warmth of his body and gazed up at him. Her lips were so close. Too close for comfort. Should he risk a kiss? No, it would be too dangerous!

  He could never figure out who made the first move, but her lips were soft as velvet and moved beneath his with a hunger that matched his own. Passion mounted as his hands caressed her body; soothing the hurt and pain of rejection away, all thoughts of Jim and Alison were forgotten.

  In a daze, Susan groped for the handle of the car door and stumbled out on to the drive. She gaped in confusion at Graham as he followed her. What had she done?

  ‘Susan, I’m sorry. I got carried away. Can you forgive me?’

  She tore her eyes away from the anguish in his. ‘Just go home, Graham. Please go.’

  ‘No!’ He couldn’t just leave like this, as if nothing had happened. He had to make her understand that he really cared for her; had meant no disrespect. The fact that she had been a virgin floored him. ‘No. We must talk.’ He stepped towards her. ‘Let’s go inside.’

  ‘No. Go home! Do you hear me? I don’t want to talk to you.’

  Hearing the hysteria rising in her voice, he hesitated. Then he opened the car door and climbed inside. ‘All right, I’ll go. But we must talk about this, Susan. It can’t be ignored.’

  She turned and climbed the steps to the house, fumbling in her handbag for the key as she went. Glad that the house was silent, she quickly climbed the stairs and entered the bathroom. For some time she sat on the edge of the bath reliving the events of the evening. How could she have done those terrible things? Flinging herself at one man and then eagerly succumbing to another man’s advances. After Jim’s rejection, Graham’s lovemaking had been balm to her hurt feelings. And she had enjoyed it! Every single moment of it. Even the sharp pain had only enhanced the pleasure. She hadn’t expected to enjoy intercourse, especially in the back of a car of all places, but she had and now she felt sated.

  Stripping, she entered the shower cubicle and ran the water as hot as she could bear it. Her body still glowed with the aftermath of passion and she allowed herself to revel in it. It was wrong, her mind cried. You are the lowest of the low, encouraging the man who may be your sister’s future husband to make love to you.

  Why not? her heart cried. No one need ever know. Graham certainly wouldn’t broadcast the fact that he had seduced his girlfriend’s sister. And I might never know anything like it again. Tears poured down her cheeks; why couldn’t it have been Jim? Jim . . . Jim, how can I live without you? But no, it had to be her potential brother-in-law. She wished she had never been born.

  Chapter Two

  The train shunted to a halt and Susan rose wearily to her feet. She had been travelling since early morning and every bone in her body ached with fatigue. With each passing hour she had become more depressed. Rushing off to visit her Aunt Edith had seemed the answer to her problems - a chance to sort out her affairs - but what if she sent her packing? What would she do then? She would be st
randed in a strange town with little money and nowhere to go. Not that her aunt would just show her the door! No, she wasn’t like that. However, she might try to persuade her to return home, and that Susan couldn’t do.

  Early that morning she had left Belfast in a positive frame of mind, determined to put the past behind her and make a new life for herself over in England, but as the day progressed doubts had set in. Without Aunt Edith’s help she would have to return home and face the music. Her heart quailed at the thought of the reception her news would evoke in her parents. Their wrath would know no bounds! Her father would never again be able to hold his head high, would never be able to preach what his daughter was obviously not practising. Though why he should be held to account for her failing, she would never understand. She supposed it was all in the mind. As for her mother, although kind and gentle, Rachel was such a proud woman, and her daughter’s news would absolutely devastate her.

  The journey over on the ferry from Larne to Stranraer had been stormy and Susan had felt quite ill, bringing up all she had eaten that day but feeling no better for it. Terrified that she had perhaps put the baby at risk and was about to lose it there and then, she had sent prayers heavenwards. To her great relief they had arrived in Stranraer without further mishap. Once on terra firma her heaving tummy had settled and after a short wait she had boarded the train to Carlisle in a better frame of mind. On the journey down through Scotland the still-breathtaking autumn scenery of fiery red and orange hues - especially when mirrored on lochs, doubling their beauty - had absorbed her full attention, lulling her into a sense of calm. Surely in such a wonderful world it was wrong to despair? Life must be worth living, no matter what the hardships might be.

  At Carlisle she had changed trains and soon found herself in Newcastle. Here, she knew from past experience, there would be a long wait for the connection to Darlington. She checked and found that her memory had served her right: there was indeed a long time to wait before her next train was due. She did some window shopping, but eventually the sharp wind sent her in search of warmth. Entering the cosy atmosphere of a small café, she ordered some sandwiches and a pot of tea to pass the time. To her surprise she discovered she was quite ravenous and devoured the sandwiches, which were unexpectedly tasty.

  Now, at last, she had reached Darlington, her destination. Soon she would know her fate. Her Uncle Billy was meeting her at the station. From there they would go to Albert Hill, known as ‘Little Ireland’ because so many Irish people had settled there over the years. It was five years since Susan had last been over on holiday. Then she had been a carefree young girl; now here she was, back again, a woman scorned. A woman scorned was indeed a terrible thing. It made one want to lash out at anything and everything. Look what she herself had done when Jim Brady had refused her wanton offer. Shame washed over her as she recalled his words. Gentle, kind words, but rejection nevertheless. Well, in her misery she had encouraged another man and certainly made a mess of things. Now she must pay the price.

  She had been a gangly teenager the last time she was in Darlington. Although she had grown little, she had filled out and knew that she looked quite different. Would Billy Devine recognise her now? Straightening her shoulders, she grabbed her suitcase and left the train to stand on the platform amongst the bustling crowd. She had enjoyed her last stay in Darlington and it was every bit as busy as she remembered it. Even at this late hour there was a lot of activity. Anxiously she scanned the faces of those obviously waiting for their family or friends. She saw Billy at once; he stood head and shoulders above the crowd. His eyes examined her face and passed on. Smiling slightly, she gripped her case with both hands and approached the big man. Placing her case to one side, she tentatively touched his arm. He frowned down at her and then his face lit up and he cried, ‘In the name of God, Susan, but haven’t you grown up. You were this height . . .’ a large hand gestured a ridiculous height, ‘the last time I saw you!’

  Some of the tension left her body as she laughed aloud at the very idea that she had been so small just five years ago. ‘I was a bit bigger than that, Uncle Billy. I really haven’t grown all that much. I’ve just filled out,’ she laughed gaily.

  He reached for her hands and pulled her into a bear hug. ‘You look wonderful, love. Let’s get a taxi and get you home. Edith is so excited. She can’t wait to see you.’

  Susan hesitated, not wanting to put him to the expense of a taxi, and said haltingly, ‘Can we not walk, Uncle Billy? If I remember correctly it’s not very far.’

  ‘Not in a taxi, it’s not, and I’m certainly not trailing you through the streets in this freezing weather. Besides, I can afford it, so hold your tongue. Is this your suitcase? Well, then, let’s get a move on.’

  He was right. In the taxi it was just a short journey from the station through the town to Albert Hill. Her Aunt Edith had the door open and was on the narrow footpath before the cab stopped.

  Gripping her by the hands, she gazed into her niece’s pale face. ‘You look tired, love. But then, sure you’ve been on the go all day.’ Pulling her close, she cried, ‘Oh, it’s good to see you again. But what am I thinking of, keeping you standing out here in the street? Come on inside where it’s nice and warm.’

  The house seemed smaller than Susan remembered it. Only the knowledge that her cousin Jack, their only son, had gone to work in London had encouraged her to seek asylum with them. Would she be too much of a burden?

  ‘Take off your coat and hang it behind the door, Susan. Then sit yourself by the fire while I lift the dinner. I’ve a nice casserole simmering away here. Billy, put that suitcase upstairs and entertain her until I’m ready.’

  Billy quickly did as he was bid and, descending the stairs again, took the armchair facing her. He smiled fondly as his wife’s excited voice shouted questions from the kitchen. ‘She’s been like a cat on a hot griddle all week preparing for your arrival,’ he confided.

  He eyed his niece keenly. She looked worried. He had a feeling this was to be no short visit and it bothered him. Had she fallen out with her da? If they had plenty of room, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest how long she stayed. Edith would revel in her company. However, although there were three bedrooms in the house, the smallest was used for storing all those out-of-date bits and pieces too precious to throw out, and the other room was Jack’s. If things didn’t work out for Jack in London, what then? His son must have a room to return to.

  Pushing his worries to one side, for after all he could be wrong, he asked, ‘How’s your mam and dad, love?’

  ‘Well. Very well.’

  A smile cracked Billy’s long, solemn face, sending it into a wreath of wrinkles. ‘Is your dad still holding up a pillar of the church, then?’

  She smiled in return, her heart warming to this big man. Her father never could understand what had possessed his good-looking sister-in-law to run off with Billy Devine. A married man who had given up a good job with a good pension attached to it, to run off with Edith. He had also left behind a very embittered wife. Edith had been pretty enough to turn any man’s head, but what had she seen in him? Ugly as sin and as common as muck, her father had often said of Billy whenever his name cropped up in conversation, which it did often enough over the years. The fact that he was a Catholic hadn’t helped matters much.

  ‘And what about Alison? Is she still as lovely as ever?’

  ‘She is indeed. She’s courting, you know?’ At his shake of the head Susan laughed and said, ‘How could you know? But yes, she is. I expect an engagement will soon be announced.’ It saddened her to think of Alison marrying Graham. She was so offhand with him. Treated him like dirt. He deserved better. She smiled inwardly. Imagine her defending the very man who was responsible for her present predicament. Wonders would never cease.

  Nevertheless, Alison would soon be walking down the aisle on the arm of her proud father. And Trevor would be very proud; anything his youngest daughter did was all right by him. She was the apple of his eye an
d apparently never put a foot wrong. In his opinion, Graham was a great catch. Would she herself ever walk down the aisle? She doubted it. She doubted it very much. What man in his right mind would settle for second-hand goods?

  Edith’s voice reached them from the kitchen. ‘You can move over to the table now. The dinner is ready.’

  They sat at the pine table and Susan sniffed in appreciation as Edith removed the lid from the steaming casserole. ‘That smells delicious, Aunt Edith.’

  Smiling her thanks at the compliment, her aunt informed her, ‘It’s lamb, well, I suppose I should say mutton, but the best taste for a casserole comes from mutton, and the vegetables are from the market. Did I hear you right, there? Is Alison about to become engaged?’

  ‘She is indeed. In a few weeks’ time - at Christmas, I imagine - she will get engaged to Graham Robson.’

  Dishing ladles full of the thick casserole into the bowls that were sitting ready, Edith handed Susan one and eyed her with raised brow. ‘She’s a bit young, isn’t she? The vegetables are in that dish and the potatoes are in the small one.’

  ‘Thank you, everything looks delicious. Alison isn’t all that young. She was nineteen in May.’

  ‘Still, that’s not very old. And what does my dear sister Rachel think of all this?’

  ‘Actually, she’s quite pleased. Graham is a staunch Protestant and manages a big car showroom in the city centre for his father. He’s an only child and the business will be his one day. He’s also quite handsome. He’s a bit older than Alison, but I suppose that’s all to the good, as she is a bit of a scatterbrain. Anyway, the parents are thrilled to bits.’

  ‘Huh! And what about you? Any sign of you tying the knot?’ Edith watched in amazement as bright colour swamped her niece’s face.

  ‘Me, get married? Never! Who would have me?’ ‘Now’ hovered on her lips, but she bit it back.

  Edith frowned. ‘A bonny girl like you? Why, many a man would consider himself lucky to get you.’