Interesting Times

by Terry Pratchett

Page 25

 

  You want to know about that? Now?

  Geography is a little hobby of mine. Someones ear hit Six Beneficent Winds on the ear.

  Er. What? We call it the Big Hill . . . Hey, look at what hes doing with his—

  It seems remarkably regular. Is it a natural feature?

  What? Eh? Oh . . . I dont know, they say it turned up thousands of years ago. During a terrible storm. When the first Emperor died. He . . . hes going to be killed! Hes going to be killed! Hes going to be - How did he do that? Six Beneficent Winds suddenly remembered, as a child, playing Shibo Yangcong-san with his grand-father. The old man always won. No matter how carefully hed assembled his strategy, hed find Grand-father would place a tile quite innocently right in the crucial place just before he could make his big move. The ancestor had spent his whole life playing shibo. The fight was just like that. Oh, my, he said. Thats right, said Mr Saveloy. Theyve had a lifetimes experience of not dying. Theyve become very good at it.

  But . . . why here? Why come here?

  Were going to undertake a robbery, said Mr Saveloy. Six Beneficent Winds nodded sagely. The wealth of the Forbidden City was legendary. Probably even blood-sucking ghosts had heard of it. The Talking Vase of Emperor Pgi Su? he said. No.

  The Jade Head of Sung Tsuit Li?

  No. Wrong track entirely, Im afraid.

  Not the secret of how silk is made?

  Good grief. Silkworms bottoms. Everyone knows that. No. Something rather more precious than that. Despite himself, Six Beneficent Winds was impressed. Apart from anything else, only seven ninjas were still standing and Cohen was fencing with one of them while rolling a cigarette in the other hand. And Mr Saveloy could see it dawning in the fat mans eyes. The same thing had happened to him. Cohen came into peoples lives like a rogue planet into a peaceful solar system, and you felt yourself being dragged along simply because nothing like that would ever happen to you again.

  He himself had been peacefully hunting for fossils during the school holidays when he had, more or less, stumbled into the camp of those particular fossils called the Horde. Theyd been quite friendly, because he had neither weapons nor money. And theyd taken to him, because he knew things they didnt. And that had been it. Hed decided there and then. It must have been something in the air. His past life had suddenly unrolled behind him and he couldnt remember a single day of it that had been any fun. And it had dawned on him that he could join the Horde or go back to school and, pretty soon, a limp handshake, a round of applause and his pension. It was something about Cohen. Maybe it was what they called charisma. It overpowered even his normal smell of a goat that had just eaten curried asparagus. He did everything wrong. He cursed people and used what Mr Saveloy considered very offensive language to foreigners. He shouted terms that would have earned anyone else a free slit throat from a variety of interesting ethnic weapons - and he got away with it, partly because it was clear that there was no actual malice there but mainly because he was, well, Cohen, a sort of basic natural force on legs. It worked on everything. When he wasnt actually fighting them, he got on a lot better with trolls than did people who merely thought that trolls had rights just like everyone else. Even the Horde, bloody-minded individualists to a man, fell for it. But Mr Saveloy had also seen the aimlessness in their lives and, one night, hed brought the conversation round to the opportunities offered in the Aurient . . . There was a light in Six Beneficent Winds expression. Have you got an accountant? he said. Well, no, as a matter of fact.

  Will this theft be treated as income or capital?

  I havent really thought like that. The Horde doesnt pay taxes.

  What? Not to anyone?

  No. Its funny, but they never seem to keep their money for long. It seems to disappear on drink and women and high living. I suppose, from a heroing point of view, they may count as taxes. There was a pop as Six Beneficent Winds uncorked a small bottle of ink and licked his writing brush. But those sort of things probably count as allowable expenses for a barbarian hero, he said. They are part of the job specification. And then of course there is wear and tear on weaponry, protective clothing . . . They could certainly claim for at least one new loincloth a year—

  I dont think theyve claimed for one per century.

  And theres pensions, of course.

  Ah. Dont use that word. They think its a dirty word. But in a way that is what theyre here for. This is their last adventure.

  When theyve stolen this very valuable thing that you wont tell me about.

  Thats right. Youd be very welcome to join us. You could perhaps be a barbarian . . . to push beans . . . a length of knotted string . . . ah . . . accountant. Have you ever killed anyone?

  Not outright. But Ive always thought you can do considerable damage with a well-placed Final Demand. Mr Saveloy beamed. Ah, yes, he said. Civilization. The last ninja was upright, but only just; Hamish had run his wheelchair over his foot. Mr Saveloy patted the taxmans arm. Excuse me, he said. I find I often have to intervene at this stage. He padded over to the surviving man, who was looking around wildly. Six swords had become interlaced around his neck as though hed taken part in a rather energetic folk dance. Good morning, said Mr Saveloy. I should just point out that Ghenghiz here is, despite appearances, a remarkably honest man. He finds it hard to understand empty bravura. May I venture to suggest therefore that you refrain from phrases like “I would rather die than betray my Erflperor” or “Go ahead and do your worst” unless you redly, really mean them. Should you wish for mercy, a simple hand signal will suffice. I strongly advise you not to attempt to nod. The young man looked sideways at Cohen, who gave him an encouraging smile. Then he waved a hand quickly. The swords unwove. Truckle hit the ninja over the head with a club. Its all right, you dont have to go on about it, I didnt kill him, he said sulkily. Ow! Boy Willie had been experimenting with a rice flail and had hit his own ear. Howd they manage to fight with this rubbish?

  Whut?

  These little Hogswatch decoration thingies look the business, though, said Vincent, picking up a throwing star. Aaargh! He sucked his fingers. Useless foreign junk.

  That bit where that lad sprang backwards right across the room with them axes in his hands was impressive, though.

  Yeah.

  You didnt ought to have stuck your sword out like that, I thought.

  Hes learned an important lesson.

  It wont do him much good now where hes gone.

  Whut? Six Beneficent Winds was half laughing, half shocked. But . . . but . . . Ive seen these guards fight before! he said. Theyre invincible!

  No-one told us.

  But you beat them all!

  Yep!

  And youre just eunuchs! There was a scrape of steel. Six Beneficent Winds closed his eyes. He could feel metal touching his neck in at least five places. Theres that word again, said the voice of Cohen the Barbarian. But . . . youre . . . dressed . . . as . . . eunuchs . . . murmured Six Beneficent Winds, trying not to swallow. Mr Saveloy backed away, chuckling nervously. You see, he said, speaking fast, youre too old to be taken for guards and you dont look like bureaucrats, so I thought it would be, er, a very good disguise to—

  Eunuch? roared Truckle. You mean peopleve been looking at me and thinking I mince around saying, Helluo, Saltat? Like many men whose testosterone had always sloshed out of their ears, the Horde had never fine-tuned their approach to the more complex areas of sexuality. A teacher to the core, Mr Saveloy couldnt help correcting them, even at swordpoint. That means, “the glutton dances”, not, as you seem to think, “hello, sailor”, which is heus nauta, he said. And eunuchs dont say it. Not as a matter of course. Look, its an honour to be a eunuch in the Forbidden City. Many of them occupy very exalted positions in—

  Then prepare yourself for high office, teacher! Truckle shouted. Cohen knocked the sword out of his hand. All right, none of that. I dont like it either, he said, but its just a disguise. Shouldnt mean anything to a man who once bit a
bears head off, should it?

  Yeah, but . . . you know . . . its not . . . I mean, when we went past those young ladies back there they all giggled . . .

  Maybe later you can find them and make them laugh, said Cohen. But you shouldve told us, Teach.

  Sorry.

  Whut? Whatseesay?

  He said youre a EUNUCH! Boy Willie bellowed in Hamishs ear. Yep! said Hamish happily. What?

  Thats me! The one an only!

  No, he didnt mean—

  Whut?

  Oh, never mind. Its all pretty much the same to you, Hamish. Mr Saveloy surveyed the wrecked gym. I wonder what time it is? he said. Ah, gurgled Six Beneficent Winds, happy to lighten things a little. Here, you know, we have an amazing demon-powered device that tells you what the time is even when the sun isnt—

  Clocks, said Mr Saveloy. Weve got them in Ankh-Morpork. Only demons evaporate eventually so now they work by— He paused. Interesting. You dont have a word for it. Er. Shaped metal that does work? Toothed wheels? The taxman looked frightened. Wheels with teeth?

  What do you call the things that grind corn?

  Peasants.

  Yes, but what do they grind corn with?

  I dont know. Why should I know? Only peasants need to know that.

  Yes, I suppose that says it all, really, said Mr Saveloy sadly. Its a long way off dawn, said Truckle. Why dont we go and kill everyone in their beds?

  No, no, no! said Mr Saveloy. I keep telling you, weve got to do it properly.

  I could show you the treasure house, said Six Beneficent Winds helpfully.

  Never a good idea to give a monkey the key to a banana plantation, said Mr Saveloy. Can you think of anything else to keep them amused for an hour? Down in the basement, there was a man who was talking about the government. At the top of his voice. You cant fight for a cause! A cause is just a thing! Then we are fighting for the peasants, said Butterfly. Shed backed away. Rincewinds anger was coming off him like steam. Oh? Have you ever met them?

  I - have seen them.

  Oh, good! And what is it you want to achieve?

  A better life for the people, said Butterfly coldly. You think you having some uprising and hanging a few people will do it? Well, I come from Ankh-Morpork and weve had more rebellions and civil wars than youve had . . . lukewarm ducks feet, and you know what? The rulers are still in charge! They always are! They smiled at him in polite and nervous incomprehension. Look, he said, rubbing his forehead. All those people out in the fields, the water buffalo people . . . If you have a revolution itll all be better for them, will it?

  Of course, said Butterfly. They will no longer be subject to the cruel and capricious whims of the Forbidden City.

  Oh, thats good, said Rincewind. So theyll sort of be in charge of themselves, will they?

  Indeed, said Lotus Blossom. By means of the Peoples Committee, said Butter-fly. Rincewind pressed both hands to his head. My word, he said. I dont know why, but I had this predictive flash! They looked impressed. I had this sudden feeling, he went on, that there wont be all that many water buffalo string holders on the Peoples Committee. In fact . . . I get this kind of . . . voice telling me that a lot of the Peoples Committee, correct me if Im wrong, are standing in front of me right now?