Interesting Times

by Terry Pratchett

Page 31

 

  Theyd rather have some poisoner like this Hong instead of me? said Cohen. But hes a bastard!

  Yes, but . . . hes their bastard, you see.

  We could hold out here. This place has got thick walls, said Vincent. The ones not made of paper, that is.

  Dont think about that, said Truckle. Not a siege. Sieges are messy. I hate eating boots and rats.

  Whut?

  He said WE DONT WANT A SIEGE WHERE WE HAVE TO EAT BOOTS AND RATS, Hamish.

  Run outa legs, have we?

  How many soldiers have they got? said Cohen. I think . . . six or seven hundred thousand, said the taxman. Excuse us, said Cohen, getting off the throne. I have to join my Horde. The Horde went into a huddle. There was an occasional Whut? in the hoarse whispered interchanges. Then Cohen turned round. Seas of blood, wasnt it? he said. Er. Yes, said the taxman. The huddle resumed. After some further exchanges Truckles head poked up. Did you say mountain of skulls? he said. Yes. Yes, I think thats what I said, said the taxman. He glanced nervously at Rincewind and Mr Saveloy, who shrugged. Whisper, whisper, Whut . . . Excuse me?

  Yes?

  About how big a mountain? Skulls dont pile up that well.

  I dont know how big a mountain! A lot of skulls!

  Just checking.

  The Horde seemed to reach a decision. They turned to face the other men. Were going to fight, said Cohen. Yes, you should have said all that about skulls and Hood before, said Truckle. Well show ye whether wem dead or not! cackled Hamish. Mr Saveloy shook his head. I think you must have misheard. The odds are a hundred thousand to one! he said. I reckon thatll show people were still alive, said Caleb. Yes, but the whole point of my plan was to show you that you could get to the top of the pyramid without having to fight your way up, said Mr Saveloy. It really is possible in such a stale society. But if you try to fight hundreds of thousands of men youll die. And then, to his surprise, he found himself adding: Probably. The Horde grinned at him. Big odds dont frighten us, said Truckle. We like big odds, said Caleb. Ysee, Teach, odds of a thousand to one aint a lot worse than ten to one, said Cohen. The reasons bein— He counted on his fingers. One, your basic soldier whos fightin for pay rather than his life aint goin to stick his neck out when theres all these other blokes around who might as well do the business, and, two, not very many of em are goin to be able to get near us at one time and theyll all be pushin and shovin, and . . . He looked at his fingers with an expression of terminal calculation. . . . Three . . . said Mr Saveloy, hypnotized by this logic. . . . three, right. . . Half the time when they swings their swords theyll hit one of their mates, savin us a bit of effort. See?

  But even if that were true itd only work for a little while, Mr Saveloy protested. Even if you killed as many as two hundred youd be tired and thered be fresh troops attacking you.

  Oh, theyd be tired too, said Cohen cheerfully. Why?

  Because by then, to get to us, theyd have to be running uphill.

  Thats logic, that is, said Truckle, approvingly. Cohen slapped the shaken teacher on the back.

  Dont you worry about a thing, he said. If weve got the Empire by your kind of plan, well keep it by our kind of plan. Youve shown us civilization, so well show you barbarism. He walked a few steps and then turned, an evil glint in his eye. Barbarism? Hah! When we kills people we do it there and then, lookin

  em in the eye, and wed be happy to buy em a drink in the next world, no harm done. I never knew a barbarian who cut up people slowly in little rooms, or tortured women to make em look pretty, or put poison in peoples grub. Civilization? If thats civilization, you can shove it where the sun dont shine!

  Whut?

  He said SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DOESNT SHINE, Hamish.

  Ah? Bin there.

  But there is more to civilization than that! said Mr Saveloy. Theres . . . music, and literature, and the concept of justice, and the ideals of— The bamboo doors slid aside. As one man, joints creaking, the Horde turned with weapons raised. The men in the doorway were taller and much more richly dressed than the peasants, and they moved in the manner of people who are used to there being no-one in the way. Ahead of them, though, was a trembling peasant holding a red flag on a stick. He was prodded into the room at swordpoint. Red flag? whispered Cohen. It means they want to parley, said Six Beneficent Winds. You know . . . its like our white flag of surrender, said Mr Saveloy. Never heard of it, said Cohen. It means you mustnt kill anyone until theyre ready. Mr Saveloy tried to shut out the whispers behind him. Why dont we just invite them to dinner and massacre them all when theyre drunk?

  You heard the man. Theres seven hundred thousand of them.

  Ah? So itd have to be something simple with pasta, then. A couple of the lords strode into the middle of the room. Cohen and Mr Saveloy went to meet them. And you, too, said Cohen, grabbing Rincewind as he tried to back away. Youre a weaselly man with words in a tight spot, so come on.

  Lord Hong regarded them with the expression of a man whose ancestry had bequeathed to him the ability to look down on everything. My name is Lord Hong. I am the Emperors Grand Vizier. I order you to quit these premises immediately and submit to judgement. Mr Saveloy turned to Cohen. Aint gonna, said Cohen. Mr Saveloy tried to think. Um, how shall I phrase this? Ghenghiz Cohen, leader of the Silver Horde, presents his compliments to Lord Hong but—

  Tell him he can stuff it, said Cohen. I think, Lord Hong, that perhaps you may have perceived the general flow of opinion here, said Mr Saveloy. Where are the rest of your barbarians, peasant? he demanded. Rincewind watched Mr Saveloy. The old teacher seemed at a loss for words this time. The wizard wanted to run away. But Cohen had been right. Mad as it sounded, it was probably safer to be near him. Running away would put him closer, sooner or later, to Lord Hong. Who believed that there were other barbarians somewhere . . . I tell you this, and this only, said Lord Hong. If you quit the Forbidden City now, your deaths, at least, will be quick. And then your heads and significant parts will be paraded through the cities of the Empire so that people will know of the terrible punishment.

  Punishment? said Mr Saveloy. For killing the Emperor.

  We aint killed no Emperor, said Cohen. Ive got nothing against killing Emperors, but we aint killed one.

  He was killed in his bed an hour ago, said Lord Hong. Not by us, said Mr Saveloy. By you, said Rincewind. Only its against the rules to kill the Emperor so you wanted it to look as though the Red Army did it. Lord Hong looked at him as if seeing him for the first time and less than happy about doing so.

  In the circumstances, said Lord Hong, I doubt that anyone will believe you.

  What will happen if we yield now? said Mr Saveloy. I like to know these things.

  Then you will die very slowly in . . . interesting ways.

  Thats the saga of my life, said Cohen. Ive always been dying very slowly in interesting ways. Whats it to be? Street fighting? House to house? Free for all or what?

  In the real world, said one of the other lords, we battle. We do not scuffle like barbarians. Our armies will meet on the plain before the city.

  Before the city what?

  He means in front of the city, Cohen.

  Ah. Civilized talk again. When?

  Dawn tomorrow!

  OK, said Cohen. Itll give us an appetite for our breakfast. Anything else we can do for you?

  How big is your army, barbarian?

  You would not believe how big, said Cohen, which was probably true. We have overrun countries. We have wiped whole cities off the map. Where my army passes, nothing grows.

  Thats true, at least, said Mr Saveloy. We have not heard of you! said the warlord. Yeah, said Cohen. Thats how good we are.

  There is one other thing about his army, actually, said someone. They all turned to Rincewind, whod been almost as surprised as they were to hear his voice. But a train of thought had just reached the terminus . . . Yes?

  You may have been wondering why you have only seen th
e . . . generals, Rincewind went on, slowly, as if working it out as he went along. That is because, you see, the men themselves are . . . invisible. Er. Yes. Ghosts, in fact. Everyone knows this, dont they? Cohen gaped at him in astonishment. Blood-sucking ghosts, as a matter of fact, said Rincewind. After all, everyone knows thats what you get beyond the Wall, dont they?

  Lord Hong sneered. But the warlords stared at Rincewind with the expressions of people who strongly suspected that the people beyond the Wall were flesh and blood but who also relied on millions of people not believing that this was so. Ridiculous! You are not invisible blood-sucking ghosts, said one of them. Cohen opened his mouth so that the diamond teeth glinted.

  S right, he said. Fact is . . . were the visible sort.

  Hah! A pathetic attempt! said Lord Hong. Ghosts or no ghosts, we will beat you!

  Well, that went better than I expected, Mr Saveloy remarked as the warlords strode out. Was that an attempt at a little bit of psychological warfare there, Mr Rincewind?

  Is that what it was? I know about that kind of stuff, said Cohen. Its where you bang your shield all night before the fight sos the enemy cant get any sleep and you sing, “Were gonna cut yer tankers off,” and stuff like that.

  Similar, said Mr Saveloy, diplomatically. But it failed to work, Im afraid. Lord Hong and his generals are rather too sophisticated. Its a great shame you couldnt try it on the common soldiers. There was a faint squeak of rabbit behind them. They turned, and looked at the somewhat under-age cadre of the Red Army that was being ushered in. Butterfly was with them. She even gave Rincewind a very faint smile. Rincewind had always relied on running away. But sometimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight if only because there was nowhere left to run. But he was no good at all with weapons. At least, the normal sort. Um, he said, if we leave the palace now, well be killed, right?

  I doubt it, said Mr Saveloy. Its become a matter of the Art of War now. Someone like Hong would probably slit our throats, but now war is declared things have to be done according to custom. Rincewind took a deep breath. Its a million-to-one chance, he said, but it might just work . . . The Four Horsemen whose Ride presages the end of the world are known to be Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. But even less significant events have their own Horsemen. For example, the Four Horsemen of the Common Cold are Sniffles, Chesty, Nostril and Lack of

  Tissues; the Four Horsemen whose appearance foreshadows any public holiday are Storm, Gales, Sleet and Contra-flow. Among the armies encamped in the broad alluvial plain around Hunghung, the invisible horsemen known as Misinformation, Rumour and Gossip saddled up . . . A large army encamped has all the tedious problems of a city without any of the advantages. Its watchfires and picket lines are, after a while, open to local civilians, especially if they have anything to sell and even more so if they are women whose virtue has a certain commercial element and even, sometimes, if they appear to be selling food which is a break from the monotonous army diet. The food currently on sale was certainly such a break. Pork balls! Pork balls! Get them while theyre . . . There was a pause as the vendor mentally tried out ways of ending the sentence, and gave up. Pork balls! Onna stick! How about you, shogun, you look like -Here, arent you the—?