Interesting Times

by Terry Pratchett

Page 34

 

  Yes, but . . . when youre a teacher, you have to pick things up fast. Mr Saveloy smiled nervously. I once taught practical alchemy for a whole term when Mr Schism was off sick after blowing himself up, and up until then Id never seen a crucible.

  Here. Boy Willie handed the teacher a spare sword. He hefted it. Er. I expect theres a manual, or something?

  Manual? No. You hold the blunt end and poke the other end at people.

  Ah? Really? Well, that seems quite straightforward. I thought there was rather more to it than that.

  You sure you want to come with us? said Cohen. Mr Saveloy looked firm. Absolutely. I very much doubt if Ill survive if you lose and . . . well, it seems that you heroes get a better class of Heaven. I must say I rather suspect you get a better class of life, too. And I really dont know where teachers go when theyre dead, but Ive got a horrible suspicion itll be full of sports masters.

  Its just that I dont know if you could really go properly berserk, said Cohen. Have you ever had the red mist come down and woke up to find youd bitten twenty people to death?

  I used to be reckoned a pretty ratty man if people made too much noise in class, said Mr Saveloy. And something of a dead shot with a piece of chalk, too.

  How about you, taxman? Six Beneficent Winds backed away hurriedly. I . . . I think Im probably more cut out for undermining the system from within, he said. Fair enough. Cohen looked at the others. Ive never done this official sort of warring before, he said. Hows it supposed to go?

  I think you just line up in front of one another and then charge, said Mr Saveloy. Seems straightforward enough. All right, lets go. They strode, or in one case wheeled and in another case moved at Mr Saveloys gentle trot, down the hall, The taxman trailed after them.

  Mr Saveloy! he shouted. You know whats going to happen! Have you lost your senses?

  Yes, said the teacher, but I may have found some better ones. He grinned to himself. The whole of his life, so far, had been complicated. There had been timetables and lists and a whole basket of things he must do and things he shouldnt do, and the life of Mr Saveloy had been this little wriggly thing trying to survive in the middle of it all. But now it had suddenly all become very simple. You held one end and you poked the other into people. A man could live his whole life by a maxim like that. And, afterwards, get a very interesting afterlife— Here, youll need this too, said Caleb, poking something round at him as they stepped into the grey light. Its a shield.

  Ah. Its to protect myself, yes?

  If you really need to, bite the edge.

  Oh, I know about that, said Mr Saveloy. Thats when you go berserk, right?

  Could be, could be, said Caleb. Thats why a lot of fighters do it. But personally I do it cos its made of chocolate.

  Chocolate?

  You can never get a proper meal in these battles. And this is me, thought Mr Saveloy, marching down the street with heroes. They are the great fi— And when in doubt, take all your clothes off, said Caleb. What for?

  Sign of a good berserk, taking all your clothes off Frightens the hell out of the enemy. If anyone starts laughing, stab em one. There was a movement among the blankets in the wheelchair. Whut?

  I said, STAB EM ONE, Hamish. Hamish waved an arm that looked like bone with skin on it, and apparently far too thin to hold the axe it was in fact holding. Thats right! Right in the nadgers! Mr Saveloy nudged Caleb.

  I ought to be writing this down, he said. Where exactly are the nadgers?

  Small range of mountains near the Hub.

  Fascinating. The citizens of Hunghung were ranged along the city walls. It was not every day you saw a fight like this. Rincewind elbowed and kicked his way through the people until he reached the cadre, whod managed to occupy a prime position over the main gate. Whatre you hanging around here for? he said. You could be miles away!

  We want to see what happens, of course, said Twoflower, his spectacles gleaming. I know what happens! The Horde will be instantly slaughtered! said Rincewind. What did you expect to happen?

  Ah, but youre forgetting the invisible vampire ghosts, said Twoflower. Rincewind looked at him. What?

  Their secret army. I heard that weve got some, too. Should be interesting to watch.

  Twoflower, there are no invisible vampire ghosts.

  Ah, yes, everyones going round denying it, said Lotus Blossom. So there must be some truth in it.

  But I made it up!

  Ah, you may think you made it up, said Two-flower. But perhaps you are a pawn of Fate.

  Listen, theres no—

  Same old Rincewind, said Twoflower, in a jolly way. You always were so pessimistic about everything, but it always worked out all right in the end.

  There are no ghosts, there are no magic armies, said Rincewind. Theres just—

  When seven men go out to fight an army 100,000 times bigger theres only one way it can end, said Twoflower. Right. Im glad you see sense.

  Theyll win, said Twoflower. Theyve got to. Otherwise the worlds just not working properly.

  You look educated, said Rincewind to Butterfly. Explain to him why hes wrong. Its because of a little thing we have in our country. I dont know if youve ever heard of it - its called mathematics. The girl smiled at him. You dont believe me, do you? said Rincewind flatly. Youre just like him. What dyou think this is, homeopathic warfare? The smaller your side the more likely you are to win? Well, its not like that. I wish it was like that, but it isnt. Nothing is. There are no amazing strokes of luck, no magic solutions, and the good people dont win because theyre small and plucky! He waved his hand irritably at something. You always survived, said Twoflower. We had amazing adventures and you always survived.

  That was just coincidence.

  You kept on surviving.

  And you got us safely out of prison, said Lotus Blossom. There were just a lot of coinci— Will you go away! A butterfly skittered away from his flailing hand. Damn things, he mumbled. And added: Well, thats it. Im off. I cant watch. Ive got things to do. Besides, afterwards I think nasty people are going to be looking for me. And then he realized there were tears in Lotus Blossoms eyes. We . . . we thought you would do something, she said. Me? I cant do anything! Especially not magic! Im famous for it! Dont go around believing that Great Wizards solve all your problems, because there arent any and they dont and I should know because Im not one! He backed away. This is always happening to me! Im just minding my own business and everything goes wrong and suddenly everyones relying on me and saying, Oh, Rincewind, what are you going to do about it? Well, what Mrs Rincewinds little boy, if she was a Mrs Rincewind of course, what hes going to do about it is nothing, right? You have to sort it all out yourselves! No mysterious magical armies are going to - Will you stop looking at me like that? I dont see why its my fault! Ive got other things to do! Its not my business! And then he turned and ran. The crowds didnt take much notice of him.

  The streets were deserted by Hunghung standards, which meant you could quite often see the cobbles. Rincewind pushed and shoved his way along the alleys nearest the Wall, looking for another gateway with guards too busy to ask questions. There were footsteps behind him. Look, he said, spinning round, I told you, you can all— It was the Luggage. It contrived to look a little ashamed of itself. Oh, turned up at last, have we? said Rincewind savagely. What happened to the following- master-everywhere thing? The Luggage shuffled its feet. From out of an alleyway came a slightly larger and far more ornate version of itself. Its lid was inset with decorative wood and, it seemed to Rincewind, its feet were rather more dainty than the horny-nailed, calloused ones of the Luggage. Besides, the toenails had been painted. Oh, he said. Well. Good grief. Fair enough, I suppose. Really? I mean . . . yes. Well. Come on, then. He reached the end of the alley and turned round. The Luggage was gently bumping the larger chest, urging it to follow him. Rincewinds own sexual experiences were not excessive although he had seen diagrams. He hadnt the faintest idea about how it app
lied to travel accessories. Did they say things like What a chest! or Get a load of the hinges on that one!? If it came to that, he had no real reason for considering that the Luggage was male. Admittedly it had a homicidal nature, but so had a lot of the women that Rincewind had met, and they had often become a little more homicidal as a result of meeting him. Capacity for violence, Rincewind had heard, was unisexual. He wasnt certain what unisex was, but expected that it was what he normally experienced. There was a small gate ahead. It seemed to be unguarded. Despite his fear he walked through it, and refrained from running. Authority always noticed a running man. The time to start running was around about the e in Hey, you! No-one paid him any attention. The attention of the people along the Wall was all on the armies. Look at them, he said bitterly, to the generality of the universe. Stupid. If it was seven against seventy, every oned know whod lose. Just because its seven again 700,000, everyones not sure. As though suddenly numbers dont mean anything any more. Huh! Why should I do anything? Its not as if I even know the guy all that well. Admittedly he saved my life a couple of times, but thats no reason to die horribly just because he cant count. So you can stop looking at me like that! The Luggage backed away a little. The other Luggage . . .

  . . . Rincewind supposed it just looked female. Women had bigger luggage than men, didnt they? Because of the - he moved into unknown territory - extra frills and stuff. It was just one of those things, like the fact that they had smaller handkerchiefs than men even though their noses were generally the same size. The Luggage had always been the Luggage. Rincewind wasnt mentally prepared for there to be more than one. There was the Luggage and . . . the other Luggage. Come on, both of you, he said. Were getting out of here. Ive done what I can. I just dont care any more. Its nothing to do with me. I dont see why everyone depends on me. Im not dependable. Even , dont depend on me, and Im me. Cohen looked at the horizon. Grey-blue clouds were piling up. Theres a storm coming, he said. Its a mercy that we wont be alive to get wet, then, said Boy Willie, cheerfully. Funny thing, though. It looks like its coming from every direction at once.

  Filthy foreign weather. You cant trust it. Cohen turned his attention to the armies of the five warlords. There seemed to have been some agreement. Theyd arranged themselves around the position that Cohen had taken up. The tactic seemed quite clear. It was simply to advance. The Horde could see the commanders riding up and down in front of their legions. Hows it supposed to start? said Cohen, the rising wind whipping at what remained of his hair. Does someone blow a whistle or something? Or do we just scream and charge?

  Commencement is generally by agreement, said Mr Saveloy. Oh. Cohen looked at the forest of lances and pennants. Hundreds of thousands of men looked like quite a lot of men when you saw them close to. I suppose, he said, slowly, that none of you has got some amazing plan youve been keeping quiet about?

  We thought you had one, said Truckle. Several riders had now left each army and approached the Horde in a group. They stopped a little more than a spears throw away, and sat and watched. All right, then, said Cohen. I hate to say this, but perhaps we should talk about surrender.