Rocks and Stars

by Sam Ledel

  But that fight wasn’t like any of the others. This one made me sick to my stomach. After storming out of the bathroom, I had forced myself to sit through another hour of drinks and food, but even Jax’s ever-roaming hands couldn’t ease the unrest in my gut. When she took me back to her place, Jax must have sensed my unease. Because instead of our usual Sunday fun day in bed, she told me to rest until I felt better. Then she went to the library to pick up some research books for her biology class, and I collapsed into her bed as soon as her apartment door closed.

  This morning, after excusing myself quietly once Jax got home in the early morning hours, I drove to my little apartment and haven’t gotten out of bed since. Not even to touch the homework I have due on Tuesday. All I can think about is that ridiculous fight. Not that I’m second-guessing defending Jax. It’s just that I never imagined getting into it like that with anyone. Especially Emily.

  My eyes rove over to my bed table. The cell phone on it lies dark and heavy next to my lamp. I don’t have the guts to reach out to Emily yet. I feel foolish. Like a little kid who lost control of her temper when she didn’t get what she wanted. And I would normally run to my best friend in a situation like this to tell her all about it, but now I can’t because my best friend was the target of my tantrum. It’s probably better to let things cool off.

  My next thoughts, before I can stop them, go to Joey. Thanks to my doing, it’s been ages since she and I have had a real conversation. She finally texted me a few days ago, asking about Coach Gandy’s meeting that’s scheduled next week. But it was short, and I could tell she didn’t want to really talk yet. But it was progress. I couldn’t help but miss her. And now, despite my best efforts, I want to tell her about me and Emily. I hear her calling me out in that sarcastic way of hers while still managing to make me laugh. She would probably know exactly what to say to make all of this better.

  My wandering mind runs in circles until I drift off to sleep. When I look at my digital clock over on my dresser, it reads 3:47 p.m. As I stretch, I hear a distant thumping coming from my living room. I imagine one of the giant black crows who likes to squawk outside my window pecking around my barely stocked cabinets. A few more seconds of the thumping, and I realize it’s not the noise of a criminal bird but somebody knocking at my apartment door.

  “Hey, cutie,” Jax says when I open it. Her expression quickly falls at the sight of my unwashed hair and baggy sweats. “Oh, still not feeling great?”

  I shake my head and move aside to let her in. She sets a couple of grocery bags down on my counter and places her backpack on the floor. “I brought you some pick-me-ups. Nothing a little beerita mix can’t fix.” I groan at the sight of the cans she puts onto a shelf in my fridge next to a half-empty carton of milk. “No problem,” she adds at my wary look. “That’s why I also have wine.” She displays a cheap bottle of red and leaves it next to the sink.

  “Thanks,” I say. “But I think I just want to try to get some reading done before practice tomorrow morning.”

  Jax nods and makes her way over to where I’m leaning against the couch in the middle of my living room. “Babe, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.” She reaches out and grabs the bottom of my T-shirt. “Still upset about Emily?”

  I had drunkenly confessed to Jax about our argument on the way home last night. I don’t remember much of Jax’s response, but it must have been okay if she’s bringing it up again now.

  I nod. “Yeah. I still can’t believe that we’re fighting.”

  Jax pouts and pulls me closer. “I know, baby.”

  I let her wrap her arms around me and try to lose myself in her touch. Our bodies pressed against each other give me a feeling of hope that things will be okay again. I take a deep breath to calm myself down. As soon as I do, I pull back, keeping Jax at arm’s length.

  “What?” she asks.

  “You…you smell like a guy.”

  For half a second, her eyebrow tilts up, then she rolls her eyes and shrugs. “Oh, God. I’m sorry, I know.” She laughs and runs her hands down my back, holding me tight at my waist. “I went to the library again today. When I was heading out, I got stuck in the elevator with half of the guy’s soccer team. You know how they are.” She mimics spraying cologne around us. “They don’t know when to stop with the body spray.”

  Coughing, I say, “I guess so. It smells like they tackled you on their way out.”

  Jax laughs. “Something like that.” She winks, then goes to grab her backpack. “I should actually hop into the shower, if you don’t mind? I was at the weight room earlier, too. So between my workout and those smelly jerks, I smell less than stellar.” She saunters over to give me a quick kiss, then disappears into the bathroom.

  After grabbing my geology and history books from my bedroom, I flop onto the couch to start reading. In the middle of a paragraph on tectonics, Jax’s ringtone goes off.

  “Just leave it!” she shouts from inside the bathroom, the sound of the water blurring her voice slightly.

  “You sure?”

  “It’s just T. with questions about the practice schedule this week!”

  “I can answer those,” I shout back. But the only response I get is the steady drum of running water. Shrugging, I get up and grab Jax’s backpack off the floor. Searching in the front pocket, I find her phone. When I go to answer it, the name on the screen makes me freeze.

  My stomach drops. I try not to jump to conclusions. I try to stay calm. I haven’t seen them together since the party. I’m sure it’s nothing. But there he is, his name dark and bold on her screen: Steven.

  I let the call go to voice mail and a text message notification pops up. I’m tempted to read it. My finger hovers over her unlock key. But I think better of it and tuck the phone back into the front pocket of her backpack. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s not like they couldn’t have just run into each other. Like at the library. Or even when she was on her way there, after the weight room.

  Then it hits me as the shower water shuts off: Jax didn’t have a stitch of athletic clothing on when she walked in the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The second Thursday of August I’m on campus, sitting in the soccer locker room, officially a sophomore member of the team. I’m one of a handful of girls already here for Coach’s meeting, sitting along the newly carpeted benches below our designated lockers. Three freshman girls sit in a huddle in the corner. Elaine, who arrived first, has her raven hair pulled back in a ponytail, and her charcoal-colored eyes flit around the room while she talks. The two girls on either side of her, I learned from Mary ten minutes ago, played together in private school in Dallas. Carrie and Allison give off more confidence than Elaine, which made sense when Mary told me they were recruited as attackers. The three of them make small talk while I sit back against my locker.

  The other person in the room, Mary, has her nose in a chemistry textbook a few feet to my right. My own textbooks seem to glare at me from inside my backpack sitting at my feet. Personally, I haven’t felt motivated to do much schoolwork lately. This summer seems to have done me in more than previous ones, especially after my fight with Emily. So instead of reading for the past week as I should have been doing, I’ve been with Jax. Or thinking about Jax. Like I am now, reading over a text she sent me two minutes ago.

  Hey, tell Coach I’m going to be ten minutes late to the meeting. Chatting with prof after class.

  I type a message back, fighting the odd feeling that’s settled in the back of my mind since I found that message from Steven last week. That afternoon I casually brought him up to Jax. She laughed and asked me what even made me think of him. And I couldn’t very well tell her I’d dug into her backpack. As a result, the conversation ended up going nowhere. As I look down at my phone screen now, my mind floats back through memories of Jax and me from the summer. I remind myself I’m silly to worry about anything.

  During my reverie, more of the team trickles into the room. When Emily walks in with Coa
ch Gandy, I sit up but can’t manage to look at her. A soft buzz of conversation fills the room, and I’m grateful that everybody seems too distracted to notice the fact she and I aren’t sitting by each other, let alone making eye contact.

  “Hey, short stack.” Joey pulls me from my miserable thoughts when she sits down beside me. “How was your summer?”

  Seeing Joey again for the first time in two months shakes me more than I expect it to. I had heard T. telling Haley that she had missed the first few weeks of practice because of her summer job and didn’t come back until school started. Joey’s hair is a little shorter but still the perfect shade of red to complement her fair skin. Her clear eyes seem even brighter. She sits cross-legged in skinny jeans on the bench, relaxed and radiating positivity.

  “Hey,” I say. “My summer was good. Busy,” I add, realizing just how much has happened since I saw Joey last. I briefly wonder why she’s acting so casual with me. Maybe she hasn’t heard yet. She did just get back into town. I swallow and try to push the conversation along. “Did you have a good break?”

  Joey leans back. “I did. I worked at a youth soccer camp. Which is why I’m back later. The kids were insane. But it was a lot of fun. Plus, who better to shape the goalies of tomorrow than me?” She grins and I can’t help but smile.

  “That’s awesome. And way more productive than my summer.”

  Joey nudges me. “You and Emily hole up playing video games with your brother for two months?”

  She definitely hasn’t heard. How is that even possible?

  “Um, not quite.”

  “Please. You don’t have to hide it, Kyle. I know you’re a closet gamer. You were probably locked in a room, piles of bagels and energy drinks all over the floor, yelling at twelve-year-old boys through the microphone during Call of Duty. You do look pretty pale,” she adds with a grin.

  I shove her and she laughs. Then I glance across the room at Emily, who’s deep in conversation with Haley. “I, um…I haven’t actually talked to Emily in a few weeks.”

  Joey leans forward, stretching her legs out. “Is everything okay between you guys?”

  I scrunch up my face. “Things are a little rocky at the moment.”

  Joey lowers her voice, leaning closer. “Must be. You guys are always inseparable during season.” She watches Emily with me for a moment then says, “It seems like there’s an ocean between you guys.”

  I nod. “Or maybe two.”

  “What happened?”

  Coach Gandy, today in black jeans and a Nike polo, stands near her office door, and the chatter in the room begins to die down. I shake my head. “It’s a long story.”

  Joey looks curious but doesn’t press the matter. As Coach begins her preseason speech, welcoming the new girls to the team and announcing position changes for the roster, my mind wanders. What if this is how the rest of the semester plays out with Emily? What if she doesn’t talk to me all season? I imagine our games: silence in the locker room and forced congratulations after a good play on the field. Just the idea of not getting along as teammates makes me reel. I have to talk to her. I have to make things okay again.

  While Coach explains new league regulations, the locker room door swings open, and in strolls Jax.

  “Finally,” T. calls out next to Elaine.

  “Jax, thank you for joining us. Take a seat.” Coach gestures to the room, and Jax gives a mini-salute before shooting a look at T. Then her eyes are on me. I shift on the bench. I had told her over the summer we should keep things low-key once season began. I guess now I’m about to find out if she heard me.

  Coach Gandy begins again about a rule on offsides as Jax plops down on the other side of me. I feel Joey’s eyes on us. When I look back at her, her eyebrows are raised and she nods toward Jax. I can hear the “What’s up with her?” question bouncing in the air between us.

  For the next twenty minutes, we sit through the rest of Coach’s rule updates, league changes, and team introductions. Jax, meanwhile, uses the time to bounce her knee against mine while we listen. From time to time, she even reaches out and runs her fingers briefly down my forearm. I sit frozen as she does, petrified. And even though nobody is paying attention, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m under a microscope.

  Finally, Coach’s speech ends. There’s applause and cheers as everybody gets up to leave. Coach shouts a final reminder about practice at seven o’clock tomorrow morning. Jax pops up from her bench without a look back in my direction. She bounds over to T. and starts chatting with her and Elaine.

  Joey stands up slowly. “Somebody is feeling friendly.”

  “What?”

  Joey nods toward Jax. “She must have had a lonely summer. What was up with her?”

  I turn to Joey. Her eyes are cautious. I can feel that she wants to know what happened after that kiss last spring. And I realize then just how much has happened since that night. Since that unexpected kiss from Jax at our team party. Why didn’t I have the guts to text her about it? We’re friends after all. Now her eyes are locked on mine, the slightest of smiles in them as she runs a hand through her hair. What am I so afraid of when it comes to her?

  “Joey, about my summer…”

  “Joey, hey!” Haley skips up to us, and my courage deserts me. “Coach wants us to go over corner kick plays before heading home. Hi, Kyle!” she adds, giving me a quick hug. “Good first week back at school?”

  I feel like a fast-wilting flower. “Yeah,” I mumble. “It was fine.”

  “Great,” Haley replies. “Joey, you ready?”

  Joey nods. She turns to me. “Hold that thought, yeah? We’ll catch up soon.” She squeezes my arm. I feel guilt growing inside me, though I’m not exactly sure why. I watch Joey walk off with Haley and wonder how I’m ever going to tell her about my summer, if the news doesn’t get to her first. How do I tell Joey I’m sorry for never leaving her a voice mail or sending a text message? How do I tell her that she kept running through my mind but that I spent all summer washing our memories away with wine-soaked days that blurred into hazy nights? How the hell do I tell Joey that I’m dating Jax?

  Chapter Thirty

  I lace my cleats and stand to look for my lucky athletic tape. While I dig through the top shelf in my locker, Emily begins a pep talk behind me in her best motivational speaker voice.

  “Okay, ladies. Start visualizing the game. See yourselves out there. Feel the ball flying from your foot with practiced ease and watch it soar into the back of that net.”

  T. groans. “Emily, you do know this game is against Itasca, right? They were 0 and 8 last year.”

  “I am aware, thank you. But you can never underestimate your opponents,” Emily replies.

  I unzip the same pocket for the fourth time, wondering where I left my tape. I bite my lip, then decide there’s only one person I can ask about where it may be. “Emily,” I say before turning around. “Have you seen my tape? The blue tape I always use around my cleats?”

  She frowns for a second, either at my bringing her inspiring words to a quick halt or my simply talking to her. “It’s not in your bag? You always put it in there. And you always have, like, two spare rolls.”

  “I know,” I say, pulling my bag out from my locker onto the bench beneath it. “But I can’t find any of it, anywhere.”

  “You can play without it, can’t you?” Sarah asks from where she’s pulling up her socks on the bench next to me.

  I give her a look, then glance at Emily.

  “Kyle has been playing with blue tape since she was seven. It’s her thing,” Emily replies for me.

  “Okay,” Sarah says. “Well, I’ve got some black tape you can use if you like.”

  “It’s got to be blue,” Emily states simply. I give Emily a grateful look, and she almost smiles. But then she turns and jumps into a conversation with the freshman.

  With a sigh, I plop down onto the bench. “I can’t believe I forgot it.”

  “Relax, short stack,” Joey says, sitti
ng up from a leg stretch she’d been in across the room. “I’m sure you’ll be just as mediocre a player without your special magic tape.”

  “Hush,” I say before tossing my extra pair of socks at her, warranting a grin.

  “Girls, come on, let’s focus,” Emily calls, her ponytail bobbing enthusiastically. “Coach will be here in a minute.” She glances around the locker room. “We’re all here, right?” She starts to count under her breath. “Wait. Has anyone seen Jax?”

  “Did somebody say my name?”

  The heads in the room all turn as Jax ambles in through the doorway, her bag over her shoulder and the rest of her still in street clothes.

  “Jax, what are you doing?” Emily asks, her voice frantic. “We take the field for warm-ups in three minutes.”

  “Relax, Cap’n,” Jax says before making her way toward me. “I’ll be quick.”

  “What was keeping you anyway?” Emily presses. “Did Coach know you’d be late?”

  Jax shakes her head, and I realize she’s not looking at anyone but me. “I had to make a quick drugstore run.”

  Joey scoffs from her seat on the floor, and Jax’s eyes flicker over to her for a half a second before returning to me. “I had a feeling my girlfriend was out of her lucky tape, so I went to pick some up. Blue, right, baby?”

  My face flushes as Jax presents me with a still-packaged roll of blue athletic tape. Emily’s eyes are on me, and when I glance at her, her eyebrows are raised so high I feel like they might disappear into her ponytail.

  Finally, I manage to mutter my thanks.

  “No problem, cutie,” Jax replies. Then before I can move, she gives me a quick kiss and says, “I’ll just be a second,” before moving over toward the bathroom to change.