My Knife

by Jos

  He paddled above the bright scene in the water around the estuary. She enjoyed the sun accentuating the radiant colors of the fish on the surface of the water. The whole time he was entranced with her eyes, a deep green which shimmered against the immaculate tan that adorned her skin. Her short, brown hair gave her a youngish innocence that perfectly matched the flower-patterned halter top she wore.

  They spoke of the beauty of nature first and then of his peculiar accent. She didn’t trust it. She thought he was pretending to be a foreigner in order to appear wealthy. After all, his face was in her opinion more Brazilian than hers. Particularly because she didn’t trust him, he decided not to push his luck by asking for her number. Joaquín was used to bedding any woman he set his eyes on in a day or two at the most. He expected to have her in his arms by the weekend.

  He would ask Cassandra to arrange another encounter. Beyond that, he had no contingency plan. He was too dependent on his charm and had never bothered to develop the Latin flair she appeared to be seeking. Joaquín confessed to being unable to dance, but his gringo friends could never tell that he was a sub-par dancer. He had a couple of moves he would do well, but after a while it would become uninteresting to watch. That plus years of sitting in Sterling Memorial Library and you end up with a near-sighted, uncoordinated licenciado. He didn’t know it at the time, but it would take more than a day to charm the baggy jeans off the Hipe Hoper.

  Second Encounter

  Cassandra told Joaquín in simple words to forget about that girl. In the six years she had lived in Paraty, she had never been romantically entangled with anyone. Some joked that she was to die single. Joaquín’s best bet with her according to Cassandra was to hope for a platonic relationship.

  Nonetheless, Cassandra knew at which baile funk the Hipe Hoper would be the following Wednesday. By that time, Joaquín hoped that Cassandra would have already told her that Joaquín was indeed a student in Brazil, though he did not actually study inside of the classroom. Cassandra and the old people he chatted to on the street were his teachers. He preferred full immersion to rote memorization in a classroom full of other foreigners. He essentially paid for the course just so he could get a student visa.

  The second encounter went a lot more smoothly. He could sense that she liked him, but also felt that something held her back. If he didn’t know any better, it was fear. He couldn’t imagine why she was so afraid of intimacy. This time around Joaquín did get her number and would no longer have to rely on Cassandra for “chance” encounters.

  Praça da Fonte

  He didn’t know Paraty as well as she did and so he left it up to her to decide where they would go. Joaquín didn’t have a phone (he relied on pay phones) and she only had a phone at her place. They always arranged to meet at the same time, at the same place: at 7 p.m. by the fountain in the center of town. She arrived at 8 the first time. He had lost hope by 7:30 but stayed to despair as he watched the people pass by. She walked over nonchalantly from behind some dark trees. She expected him to run on her time.

  They went on walks by the beach almost every weeknight and sat on a crooked palm tree overlooking the picturesque, brightly painted wooden homes by the shore. On weekends, when she didn’t have to work at her mom’s internet cafe, they met at noon, always by the same fountain. After a week of walking around town and talking about every subject imaginable, he finally mustered up the courage to kiss her. He had never felt the pleasure of such warm lips. It was almost as if their lips were designed for one another.

  They kissed frequently on any darkly lit street or bench by the beach, wherever it pleased them. The passion was undeniable, but she always refused to accompany him to his house, and she never invited him to hers. Joaquín wanted to bring up the fact that his time in Brazil was limited and he wanted to experience ultimate intimacy with her, but the fact that she refused even his invitations to dinner at a restaurant confused him.

  He once took her to a restaurant and she refused to eat. She did not want to be seen as a garimpeira for receiving favors from a foreigner. The gold digger brand terrified her. She still wasn’t sure whether or not he was in Brazil for sex tourism. She was a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to a foreigner who would simply cum and dump.

  Revelation

  But over time she grew enamored with his stories of him as an undercover tíguere. They learned from each other, he about Brazil and she about the Heights. Eventually, she warmed up to him and decided to tell him everything about her.

  They met again by the fountain. She wanted to be in a public place. “I’ve known you for a while,” she said. “All this time I have been hesitant to be with you. I’m reluctant to be with anyone, for that matter. I always try to rationalize it in my head, but ultimately it’s all because of something that only my mother knows about.”

  She paused, took a deep breath and continued. “My mom moved me out of my old town right before I started puberty. It was at that time that we could no longer deny the fact that I was transgender.”

  Joaquín could not form sentences. He simply stared in disbelief. He had just learned that he was madly in love with a woman who had the same genitalia as him. He stood up and stumbled away, lost in his own thoughts.

  Decisions

  He did not call her for two whole days. He simply thought about the edginess of being with a transgender woman. How would his conservative family react if they found out? What would his friends think? It simply seemed like he would have to sacrifice too much to be with her.

  But Joaquín being Joaquín, he told himself that if someone disapproved of who he loved, they would have to disapprove of him, too. To Joaquín life was too short, the world too big to get caught up in the opinions of mere mortals. He decided to give her a chance.

  First Touch

  She took him to a cabin by the estuary, a rarely used vacation house owned by a distant relative of hers. It was situated by a huge boulder, on which people could slide down to the water below. The cabin was surrounded by thick tropical foliage and a tiny path that led to a dirt road a hundred meters away. The place was isolated. The only company they had were the crickets and mango trees surrounding the cabin.

  He had never been with a transgender woman, but at least he knew to use a good amount of lube. She was inexperienced as well, so he wasn’t nervous.

  They kissed for what felt like an eternity.

  He removed her blouse and gently caressed her small, succulent breasts. They felt just right, a perfect A-cup on her slim frame. They stood by the wooden window overlooking the trees as the wind blew into the room. He kissed the back of her neck and gently undid the button to her pants. He was somehow able to remove her pants and panties without taking a pause from gently rolling his tongue on her neck and blowing cold air on her skin. Goose bumps covered her body.

  He carried her to the bed in his arms and placed her down gently on the soft, white sheets. A strong breeze made the curtains blow as they kissed under the sheets and gently rubbed each other’s bodies. He was lost in the smoothness of her skin.

  He hugged her tightly as she lay on top of him and kissed his breath away. His penis was throbbing. He reached for the lube next to the bed and gently rubbed it around her tight orifice and his strong penis. In one quick, smooth move, he had her lying on her back and slowly made his way into her.

  It took over five minutes of him gently kissing her neck and arousing her until her muscles were relaxed enough for him to make his way in. She whimpered a bit at first from the pain of never having had something so big inside of her, but soon the pain turned into pleasure.

  His slow, paced pounding grew wilder and his breathing more laborious with every tablazo he gave. She screamed as her prostate was bombarded with cosmic pleasure and, out of nowhere, jizzed uncontrollably all over his stomach. The sight of her ejaculate pushed him over the limit and his eyes glinted like those of a hungry wild animal.

  After releasing the tension from weeks of foreplay and dreams where he would
penetrate her, he lay on top of her, almost unable to breathe. Never before had he experienced such pleasure. After being with over two hundred women, he knew he had found the one.

  Aftermath

  He had honestly expected the fact that she had a penis to make it weird. But no matter her slight misfortune before birth, she was a beautiful woman to him. It was so that for the rest of his time in Paraty they made love on a daily basis. They could not get enough of each other. They became inseparable. During his last two weeks in Paraty, they were together every moment of every day.

  Cassandra

  Something unexpected happened during those last two weeks they were together. Cassandra started to join them. They were drinking one night and no one knows who suggested having a threesome. However, Joaquín immediately agreed. He was receptive to the idea of an open relationship. In fact, he felt it would keep things spicy. After all, none of them saw a problem with a little ménage à trois. The Hipe Hoper was a little bit bisexual and rather enjoyed it when she first made love to Cassandra. She would top Cassandra missionary style while Joaquín penetrated from behind. She once had a double orgasm from the sensation her penis and her prostate were experiencing and she instantly decided that was how much pleasure she wanted to experience every day of her life.

  The Promise

  Joaquín truly loved her, and he saw Cassandra as a good friend. He could see himself living out the rest of his life with them. Although he did not love Cassandra unconditionally, he felt a lot for her and had grown attached to her company. Moreover, she could bear his children and one day they could raise them all together.

  However, they discovered something alarming. They walked in from a mountain excursion earlier than expected one day and found her in a bloody bathtub. She would cut her arms because she believed the Marquis de Pombal was telling her to do so. The scars were so deep that they appeared almost to be burns, and indeed that’s what she told them at first. It was only after they found her cutting herself that they realized the truth of her self-destruction. She would hide it well, always wearing long sleeves even in the heat. Eventually they decided that it’d be best not to risk being around such a dangerously self-destructive personality. But they did want to find a third, someone to complement them. They could work well alone, but they felt that a third would keep their lives more exciting.

  The time came for Joaquín to leave. He promised her that he would do whatever it took to return from Korea with enough money to make sure they would be able to live together comfortably in some small corner of the world. He almost missed his flight because they couldn’t stop kissing and hugging one another at the airport.

  His last entry in Brazil reads: “I shall never die; my heart is not in my chest, but rather in Paraty…with her.”

  Skype

  Their romance did not die. In many ways, Joaquín describes it as having grown stronger. They chatted online on an almost regular basis and would have Skype sex whenever circumstances permitted. Their dream to be reunited persisted. They kept things casual and open. After all, Joaquín had 50 grand in student loan debt. He couldn’t simply move to Brazil without a well-paying job. She didn’t have the resources to travel, and also had to save for some needed surgeries. Fate and money forced them to be apart. But he promised her that saudades would reunite them.

  Parte Três: Viagem

  Decision

  I had always been itching to go to Brasil. The prospect of going to a place as beautiful as described by Joaquín only made me want to go there more. Joaquín never once mentioned the name of the lady who stole his heart in Paraty. I could always try and find Cassandra, if that is her real name. I could go around the internet cafes and try to find the one owned by the Hipe Hoper’s mom. I could also ask around for Joaquín. It’s not inconceivable that someone remembers him.

  If anyone remembers him, it’s most likely that they’ll also know the Hipe Hoper. The chances of me finding a family member or an acquaintance of the Hipe Hoper could be enough to give me a lead on Joaquín’s whereabouts. The diary had given me the strongest indication of how to find him. I know he had left it for a reason.

  Flight

  I booked a flight to Rio as soon as I was able to arrange a sabbatical from my job. The flight was just as grueling as JFK to Incheon, but the amount of time I had spent without traveling made it feel a lot worse. I arrived at my hotel in Copacabana and passed out on my bed without even realizing it. I awoke the next day jetlagged, but still with a desire to head to Ipanema beach.

  The heat was sweltering. I spent my entire first day on the beach drinking caipirinhas and eating açaí. I would have enough time to take the sights of Rio eventually, but the next day I had to board a bus to Paraty. I felt guilty that I had delayed reading the sex diary as long as I did.

  Bus Ride

  For the five-hour bus ride to Paraty, I spent my time taking in the sights and listening to my Portuguese tapes. I was just about fluent. I’m sure that a dedicated Spanish speaker can pick up the language in just a few months the way I did. I still couldn’t make nasal sounds for the life of me. I went into a bakery and, instead of ordering bread [pão], I asked for wood [pau.] “I’ll give you some wood, baby,” the baker’s son had said as I stood confused. But I still found myself fairly pleased with my ability to communicate almost flawlessly with almost all Brazilians.

  I arrived in Paraty and immediately went to book a room at the cheapest inn I could find: the Pousada da Magreza. I had arranged to stay for two weeks, or until I gained knowledge of what I had come in search of. I paid for the deposit and received an oversized keychain that resembled a badly carved, wooden fish. The guests were supposed to leave the fish at reception when we left and pick them up by name when we returned. My fish’s name was Lucas.

  Praia

  I spent my very first day kayaking around Paraty in much the same way Joaquín had done. I would rent a kayak at every rental post. According to the tourist guides, there were only five kayak renters in town. I went to each, rented a kayak and asked for an old friend I had met years ago named Cassandra. I felt that would be the less conspicuous way to learn the fate of the Hipe Hoper.

  No one remembered a Cassandra and no one matched the description Joaquín gave in the diary. I spent my first day tanning and kayaking, not at all an unfateful way to spend a day in one’s life. Finding Cassandra here was hopeless.

  The Fountain

  The next day I headed to the center of town, hoping my luck would change there. The soothing sounds of the fountain made it easier to learn the calm rhythm of the town. In just a few days I already felt at home. The town was cozy and the people friendly. I found it surprisingly easier to approach random shopkeepers and ask them about Joaquín and the Hipe Hoper than I had expected. I asked about 12 shopkeepers if they knew a man and a woman matching the respective descriptions of Joaquín and his lover, but to no avail.

  I was feeling heat fatigue so I sat and devoured a cup of açaí ice cream. I should have packed more summer clothing, but I had forgotten that December is summer in the southern hemisphere. As I sat enjoying the taste of my tropical dessert, an old man approached me.

  “Are you the girl looking for Joaquín?” he asked in heavily accented Portuguese.

  I studied him. “Yes. Did you know him?”

  He gave a slight nod. “Let’s talk. Follow me.”

  The Old Man

  The old man knew Joaquín and Ana Maria very well. The mysterious lover Joaquín never mentioned by name now had one. The old man had known Ana Maria since she moved into town. He talked about her like she was a daughter. He missed her. I told him that Joaquín was an old friend of mine who recommended I visit Paraty. He told me he knew many people here, I said, and that hopefully I could meet someone who knew him and was willing to show me a bit of the town. A little fib on my part. After more small talk, I asked if Ana Maria was still in town.

  “Pois, she left with Joaquín some time back.” The old man pulled out a green handker
chief adorned with King Sejong as he is shown on the 10,000 won bill. “Joaquín brought this for me from Korea when he came to pick up Ana Maria. A friend of his is a friend of mine.” I smiled. Here was a man who was extremely grateful to say a friend was kind enough to bring him something from a distant land, one which he will likely never afford to visit. It was one that only existed in his dreams, for he did not even own a television to see it in pictures. For all he knew, King Sejong was still wearing hanbok and controlling the Korean peninsula.

  I asked him to show me his stand. He sold coconuts. Joaquín would buy two cups of coconut water every time he waited for Ana Maria by the fountain. Eventually they became good friends. “I have never met anyone like him. When he spoke to me, it was like he was my son. My son is a farmer. I think Joaquín wanted to live on a farm, too.”

  Does she still have family members here? “Pois, her mom runs a cyber café just up that road.” I thanked him for his kindness, purchased a cup of coconut water, and headed to the cyber café.

  The Mother

  “I expected you sooner. Joaquín told me that you would be here long ago.” I guess I should have read the diary sooner, I thought to myself. If I had been there earlier, perhaps I could have caught up with him. I had many questions to ask the dona. She was the second person I had encountered who had seen Joaquín after he and the Chill Out Crew disappeared. “There is much I want to know,” I told her. After telling one of her employees to take over for her, she invited me to her house for supper.