My Knife

by Jos

  “I can’t count how many times I told them that they didn’t have local knowledge of how things worked. O’Connor was useless. He didn’t speak Japanese. Fuck, the whole plan was thought up by Smith, while he was shitfaced.

  “So, Muirne was gonna fly below radar over the bank so they could skyhook their way from the roof. I guess they watched Dark Knight together a few too many times. I told them right away that they’d need Donkey Kong with a bat cape to carry out some of the shit they wanted to pull off. They scoffed at me and kept drawing up the plans. A week later they told me they were leaving the next day on a private jet. ‘I’m changing motor pool’ is the last thing I told them before they left for Japan.”

  Ishmael dove into the pool and disappeared in the deep for what felt like an eternity. I wanted to hear what had happened, what had become of my friends. Ishmael arose from the deep like a submarine. “They didn’t have a fighting chance. They botched everything up at the bank and set off the alarm. By the time they made it to the roof and flew out, the cops were already on their asses. Muirne made a stupid move. I don’t know if she panicked and went the wrong direction, or if the guys tripped out and made her lose her cool. They flew into the Pacific, expecting to find an island to land on, but crashed in the middle of ghost water after running out of fuel. The Japanese government never found any bodies. Only Joaquín, you, and me know that it was them in the plane. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them.”

  I stood in silence as the gravitas of Ishmael’s story sunk in. Not long after, Ishmael’s butler walked in and informed him that he had a call on his “special” phone. The butler handed Ishmael a satellite phone just like the one Joaquín had left for me in Brazil. “I haven’t seen you in ages. I’ve missed you, man,” Ishmael said into the phone and passed it to me. It was Joaquín.

  “Your journey has not been in vain. I hope the money helps you find happiness. You may wonder why I have decided to seclude myself. Consider this: what if you could give the most memorable speech in the history of humanity, but then everyone developed Alzheimer’s? What would be the point of giving a speech to a group of Alzheimer’s patients if they’re just going to forget it immediately? In life, you are the Alzheimer’s patient – you will forget everything you have done, all you have seen, and all you have accomplished after you die. There is no point to giving the speech, but there is also no point to not giving the speech. Everything you do in life – or everything you don’t do – is purely and utterly void of any meaning. I have not forgotten you, but I have also forgotten you. You have done the same.”

  He said cuídate and wished me luck. No one I know ever heard from him again. I don’t know what became of him or his republic.

  ___________________

  Paulie didn’t even complain; he was hammered on fermented cacti those days anyway.

  Chapter VII: Ishmael Remembers

  Archive

  I went through my pictures for the second time that night Helena came. I remembered when O’Connor and I learned that we were deploying to South Korea. We couldn’t have been more pumped. The year of sobriety and jacking off in Afghanistan was driving us to the point of madness. I personally had no other wish than to hit the bars in Seoul and pound some brewskis and broadskis until I blacked out. We constantly talked about leaving Afghanistan and simply couldn’t wait. We had few ways to pass the time. We’d come back from patrol and play Black Cops on Guintento Vii until we got tired and collapsed before PT. Sometimes O’Connor would find the time to write on his laptop. He wanted to compose a book about how he saw the world. He fancied himself something of a philosopher.

  Back then, he had emailed me a document with what he had written. He was a slow writer and complained that he would never be able to finish his book. He wanted my thoughts on what he had written. I’m not much of a reader and never bothered to have a look. We soon thereafter got to Korea, he got back on booze formation and completely forgot about writing. He never once mentioned it again. When I ran out of pictures to reminisce over, I pulled up that email and downloaded the attached file:

  The Nihilist Guide to Happiness by Yang-Hu O’Connor

  Nihilism is the rejection of illusions, false beliefs, willful ignorance, and cognitive dissonance. After witnessing the town priest molest a childhood friend, I blocked it out of my mind and continued living as if it never happened: cognitive dissonance. As an adult, I was too afraid to think back to it, to question or challenge religion. Pascal’s wager weighed heavily on my mind.

  Not believing in religion is foolish, I thought, because I had nothing to lose by keeping my faith. Eventually, however, I did realize I was losing something: 10 percent of my salary, my mental freedom, and my sanity. The only thing keeping me attached to religion was fear. To believe in something that I knew to be blatantly false because I feared the consequences of not believing was mere cowardice on my part.

  Why would an all-powerful, almighty being care about my puny actions when we live in an immense universe? If God is indeed all-powerful, why would he allow Satan to exist in the first place? He knows everything that’s going to happen and therefore has the power to stop any future action. He could have stopped it, but he allowed Satan to tempt Eve. He has been complacent in the suffering, starvation, rape, and enslavement of his children all around the world for the past 6,000 years. How can a being with the power to prevent all of that suffering from happening in the first place love me?

  Only cognitive dissonance can explain how I continued believing that there existed a creature watching and caring for me at every moment, yet completely willing to burn an entire city to the ground for violating his “purpose” for sexual intercourse. Why would he allow biological randomness to permit those of different persuasions to exist? What reason could there be for punishing someone who committed a victimless action? I eventually grew to see the biblical God not as an all-knowing scientist capable of creating everything in the universe and controlling time, but as nothing more than an angry, hateful teenager.

  Throughout history, countless individuals suffering from dementia convinced themselves and their followers that the mighty spirits were watching over them – judging and ready to strike at any moment for the slightest offense. I can now recognize the old man who yells “the end is near” up and down the street as the insane creature that he is, but as a primitive human, without an adequate understanding of the brain, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to recognize the signs of a failing mind. My mind can also be my most powerful enemy – it can convince me that anything is real. Had I been raised under German Socialism like my great-uncle, I would have likewise carried that belief to the grave. I suspect that my great-grandfather’s side of the family in North Korean concentration camps has been convinced, through torture, rape, and starvation, to love their Dear Leader for his benevolence. And indeed, I’m sure that when he dies, those who do not mourn enough will be sent to camps where they learn to love and mourn properly. Love is perhaps the greatest illusion ever sold to the world.

  Love is simply nothing more than a chemical reaction. Why shouldn’t a highly logical species be able to overcome the most primitive elements of its being? Allowing myself to suffer, or agonize over a person is perhaps the most foolish mistake I ever made. I learned to move on, find a more entertaining hobby and free myself from crippling mental slavery. Illusions are only a waste of time – nothing ever comes from them. Love, as an addiction on par with cocaine, can be what we make of it. If others enjoy the roller coaster of emotions that love brings, then by all means they should enjoy it.

  My particular brand of nihilism has a unique bent. Although I recognize that existence is futile, so is inexistence. As long as the benefits of existence outweigh the benefits of not existing, life gives you a happy nihilistic outlook. Nonetheless, many might find themselves in situations where living seems like a worthless endeavor – their family, job and social life beyond repair – and they decide that death is the better solution. After all, logic dicta
tes that consciousness exists in the brain, and once the brain ceases to function, consciousness no longer exists. Death is the ultimate painkiller.

  Whenever I kill an “innocent” Hajji and write a fake report, I remind myself that in a couple of thousand years – regardless of how many empires I conquer, or how many men I save – my words will have been written in a forgotten language, and my name will be but a grain of sand in the beach of an extinct empire. Further, everyone I care about will be dead within a century. Occasionally, when I recall the names of great historical figures like Hammurabi, I almost convince myself that it is possible to leave a mark. When did I last shed a tear for a Babylonian? Logically, I cheer up because my problems are, in the grand scheme of things, utterly and completely insignificant. Tired of a place? Now it’s easy to move halfway around the world in under a day. I remind myself that any global distance is truly insignificant in astronomical terms. Humanity is where it is today because my ancestors got fed up with where they lived and spread their seed across the world.

  I feared what my countrymen would think of me for leaving if the depleted uranium were to get into the water supply, but after remembering all the insignificant republics that are now nothing more than evanescent memories, forgotten on obsolete maps, I decided to shed my worries. You, too, must spread forth, leave your problems behind, and never look back.

  As a nihilist, there might be no point to living, but there surely is also no point in dying for a cause – any cause. We nihilists are a minority; let the majority fight the wars; let the majority die for something that is of no importance today and will be of even less significance tomorrow. Our lives are only one; causes are more plentiful than droplets of blood in a medieval sword fight. Although leaders are often quick to convince the masses of the beauty inherent in dying for one’s country, of sacrificing themselves for the good of the “homeland,” or other colorful metaphors employed by their well-compensated speechwriters, I eventually came to recognize that I was being manipulated. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori my ass.

  What’s the point of shooting a fief whose leader disagrees with my leader? My birth was not pre-ordained – I could have just as easily been born in another part of the world or not born at all. In essence, I now view patriotism as nothing more than a delusion of pre-ordination, which in itself is a delusion of grandeur. Nothing special about any particular group of humans exists that sets them apart from other self-selected groups. Tribes are as temporary as sand castles. I have no need for groups of people who were born in the same flock as me. Enjoying life’s pleasures with everyone defines my balanced existence. However, things may be different for adrenaline junkies who enjoy the thrill of the hunt.

  Individuals attracted to blood, gore, guns, large military vehicles, or just the idea of war in general may well enjoy some time in the military. Whether we die today or tomorrow is irrelevant – we will die eventually. Therefore, we might as well partake in life-threatening activities. The objective of this book is show how to make our pathetic existence on this planet an overall happy one. If you do indeed find yourself in the mood for joining your country’s military, know that marching, chanting in unison, wearing the same uniforms, etc., is designed to manipulate the basic core of our psyche and mold us into obedient sheep.

  I should have become a mercenary instead – the pay is better and I wouldn’t have had to sign into bondage. My military contract is by-and-large slavery redefined. If broken, I could find myself in a stockade, or worse, with my head in the guillotine surrounded by jesters; their performance beginning when they release the rope. Although slaves or prisoners can be happy, it is generally the case that extreme levels of ignorance and cognitive dissonance are required. Avoid signing contracts at all cost.

  Marriage is another contract which is slavery redefined. Marriage was traditionally defined as ownership of a woman by a man. The man essentially bought a piece of cattle, which he demanded to be untouched, to keep as his own until he saw fit. Nowadays, marriage contracts can be arbitrarily redefined by the state at its discretion. Marriage kills the spirit, and enslaves one financially to a potential future enemy. Many western marriages don’t end well, and the last thing anyone wants to find themselves doing is paying child support or alimony. If you have children, your partner might get full custody, and proceed to brainwash your kids against you; all the while you are forced to pay for their lifestyle. Your kids may grow to hate you. Being forced by the state to make monthly payments to your enemy at the risk of imprisonment will suck the life out of you. Trust me, I’m twice divorced.

  Don’t marry – marriage is an antiquated tradition unnecessary in today’s world of extreme personal independence and so-called equality. A partner might try to sucker you in because of nervousness over social expectations or the fear of dying alone. The truth is: we all die alone. Unless you and your partner die together in an accident, one of you might outlive the other by decades – the sooner you come to terms with this fact, the more quickly you can overcome your fear of loneliness. A partner might try to convince you that marriage is right for you because you truly love each other and will honor each other for eternity. However, there is no such thing as eternity – all things come to an end. As a true Nietzschean would say, “Love is nothing but a trick your DNA plays on you to replicate itself.” Do you find yourself madly in love with a person and overjoyed at the prospect of reproducing with them? It all comes down to a simple chemical formula in your brain. Though children may bring you joy, they can also bring you financial pain – so unless you can afford to discard your children to a babysitter if they don’t turn out as expected, it might not be worth the effort to breed.

  On the other hand, do remember that sex and orgasms feel good.

  Rid yourself of any Puritanical views on sex. Beauty is truly a point of view: Mauritanians consider obesity to be beautiful; the Kayans see long necks as a sign of beauty; Brazilians admire a nice bunda (bottom); many North Americans adore cartoonishly enlarged breasts; and many East Asians love long legs and light skin. Most tastes are due to cultural exposure. Allow alcohol and possibly a bit of abstinence to horn you up to the point where you can love many different humans. The passage of time and the loosening of your inhibitions and mores will allow you to experience a wider range of sexual experiences.

  My high school years were exciting, I must admit. Though I found myself depressed at some points during my early years, after I developed a nice routine that worked for me, I could witness a catastrophe and continue on to have a happy day. Most of my happy days involved sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Black, white, corpulent, middle-aged, it didn’t matter with whom – what mattered was that I got off. Of course, I tried returning the favor to ensure repeat customers and a healthy selection on any given night. When my partner didn’t meet my needs, I performed my deed in the cover of darkness, and if I couldn’t get off merely by penetrating the person alone, I could always employ some pornography to help me. A carefree existence means that I don’t care about what anyone else thinks. Most puritanical, judgmental types have their heads too deep in the latrine to truly enjoy life and are no fun to be around. One way I improved the chances of mating with the local wildlife was by migrating to an area where I was considered exotic.

  However, not all members of the opposite sex make good bed mates. Personal experience taught me that it was often better to select a mate that was less attractive over one sexier if the uglier partner was willing to have sex at any point I desired. Some partners simply have a negative attitude. In high school, I fornicated with a girl who was by all means sexually liberated and willing to have sex for pleasure. Sadly, she also believed in the merits of martyrdom, often throwing tantrums because I didn’t care for advancing the rights of minorities (she was one of those radical activist types). Nihilists have no need to become martyrs for any cause. I see no need to be a groundbreaker for liberal causes, interracial relationships, homosexual entanglements, etc. Like empires, causes go
through stages and eventually wither away. Why should I tie myself to something that may be irrelevant tomorrow? When my partner thought it appropriate to bring negativity into my temple, I decided to abscond from her presence.

  One thing that every nihilist should know is that emotions are often contagious. When my boss walked into the office in a bad mood, suddenly the whole office’s attitude turned sour. To break Godwin’s law, look at Hitler’s effect on the German people. Hitler’s genius was in his ability to transfer emotions. Some people transfer emotions, even unknowingly. Most people sell emotions. Ask yourself, “What emotion is that person selling? Is it negative or positive?” Therefore, it is best to avoid people who can’t look past petty problems in their lives, or the life of others. It’s wisest to avoid those who think the lives of people they’ve never met – celebrities, actors, etc. – somehow affect their personal existence. Although a shallow partner is acceptable for casual encounters, it is best not to draw out conversations from these people, lest they bring their negativity into your cave.

  Traditional conservatives would argue that having a person around solely for sex is exploitation.

  However, sexual exploitation is only a point of view – as long as it involves consenting adults (moral nihilism has its own merits, but it’s best to avoid becoming the target of a global manhunt for a piece of ass). As long as I don’t risk being executed by the state, I don’t worry about paying for sex, or running afoul of taboos. If you become interested in one of your cousins, someone’s grandparent, or in a homosexual affair, don’t hesitate to put your sexual organs to good use. Nothing between consenting adults should be criminalized. Any state that criminalizes consensual activities is by definition oppressive and not worth our obedience, not that we believe in obedience, anyway. If I could send one single message to my family in North Korea, I would tell them to acquire a weapon at all costs, acquire a boat, escape to a nation of their liking and kill whoever gets in their way.