The Big Book of Superheroes

by Bart King

  Bring your foot up behind you...

  ...and now reach over with it and kick butt!

  Superpower Activity

  Sneak Attack!

  Supplies: Your enemy’s toilet.

  A good way to avoid injury is not to be actually there when you attack your enemy. Here’s what I mean:

  Remove the back lid of your enemy’s toilet tank. (Trust me!) Do you see that small water tube? It goes from the edge of the tank into the “overflow tube”—that’s the open pipe sticking up in the center of the tank.

  If you’re not sure what I mean, just flush the toilet. See how the water shoots out of the small water tube?

  Now just unclip that tube from its fastener. Move it to the edge of the tank so that it’s pointing at the front of the toilet.

  Now gently lay the tank’s lid on this small tube, so that it holds it where you’ve put it. (This may take four hands, so have your sidekick help you.)

  Now your trap is set—as soon as the toilet is flushed, an icy jet of water will spray right on your surprised enemy!

  When you hear your enemy scream, victory is yours! Revel in your genius from the safety of another room. (Hopefully, from behind a locked door.)

  Retreat!

  I know it doesn’t sound very brave. But sometimes you have to run away to fight another day. So if it’s obvious you’re in a battle you can’t win, escape!

  The problem is that as soon as you turn to run, you expose yourself to a rear attack. So first, buy yourself precious time with one of these two tactics:

  Distraction: Look over your foe’s shoulder and say, “Mom, I’m glad you’re here!” (Then run.)

  Flurry attack: Unleash a vicious series of blows, forcing your foe to cover up. (Then run.)

  Now that you’re running, your foe will probably give chase. So you need roadblocks! Slam doors behind you as you go. As you pass furniture, grab pillows and throw them in your enemy’s path. If you pass explosives, grab them, set them, and throw them in your enemy’s path.

  But the day will come when these tactics aren’t enough—and you’ll feel the hot breath of your enemy at your neck. That means he’s close!

  Before he can tackle you from behind, throw yourself down on the ground. Just collapse into a ball! If you’re lucky, your pursuer will trip over you. (And if you’re really lucky, he’ll fall down an open manhole!)

  If you’re being chased by someone taller than you, here’s the greatest ambush of all time. To set it up, think about your escape route. See, you’re going to taunt your enemy, and then flee with your foe hot on your heels. And there needs to be a doorway that you’re going to run through. It’s best if this doorway isn’t at the end of a long hall. (You don’t want your opponent to get a good look at it while running towards it.)

  Not get some packing tape (which is clear, wide, and strong). Ha ha! Stretch the packing tape across the doorway just above where the top of your head is. Anchor it securely at both ends.

  Now, go taunt your enemy. Maybe you’ll say something clever (“You stink!”), or do something harmless but impish (ear flick!). You have to be annoying enough that your enemy chases you. Now, run fast and head for that doorway. You’ll pass below the tape harmlessly. But your pursuer won’t be so lucky!

  The more you know, the less you don’t! If you ever have to fight Superman, here’s a tip. Get some brass knuckles and coat them with kryptonite. (Better yet, skip the brass and make the knuckles all kryptonite!)

  Pop Quiz

  The Heat of the Battle!

  In one comic book adventure, Batman and Robin get attacked by a gang of criminals. So Batman called out to Batgirl, “Get over here! Help us! We’ve got a problem!” And Batgirl answered, “I have a bigger one...”

  “a run in my stockings!”

  “this kid wants my autograph!”

  “and it has to do with guano!”

  (See answer below.[12])

  Superpower Activity

  Dragon Ball? Gee!

  Supplies: Other people with jumping ability, a camera.

  Hadouken is Japanese for “surge fist.” In the ancient video game Street Fighter, one of the special attacks is called hadouken. A player would thrust his palms forward, shooting a surge of “spirit energy” at his opponent.

  A similar move comes from Dragon Ball. This is a Japanese manga series from the 1980s and ’90s about a kid named Son Goku. He learns martial arts and uses power blasts similar to hadouken.

  Anyway, to get an amusing photo of a power blast in action, do the following:

  Find someone (or someones) who can jump backwards in the air while looking like they just got hit with a blast of spirit energy.

  Find an open area where you can create your power blast scene.

  Position your photographer so that you and your enemies are all in the shot.

  Get in your power blast position. This can involve slamming your fist(s) dramatically into the ground, or aiming them at your enemies.

  Have these opponents practice leaping backwards and looking stunned.

  Start taking pictures!

  Shazam! What does Green Arrow say when Aquaman gets too excited? “Hold your sea horses!”

  Archer Heroes

  About eight hundred years ago, Robin Hood was an early “bow-and-arrows” superhero. Seriously! I mean, look at his checklist:

  Fights evil.

  Has an archenemy (the Sheriff of Nottingham).

  Wears a special costume.

  Hangs out in a secret lair (Sherwood Forest).

  Has sidekicks (example: Friar Tuck).

  Can fly (hey, five out of six ain’t bad!).

  Robin Hood was so cool he started the trend of archer superheroes. For instance, did you know the second modern superhero ever (after Superman) was named the Arrow? And lots of other archers followed, including Green Arrow and Hawkeye.

  How “Robin” Was Hatched: When Batman chose Dick Grayson as a sidekick, he let the kid pick his own superhero identity. And guess what archer inspired his name?

  Green Arrow’s original secret identity was Oliver Queen. He was out in his yacht one day when he fell overboard. Rats! So Oliver swam to a deserted island, and practiced archery until he got good. Really good. Then he returned to civilization and became Green Arrow. Oliver got a secret hideout called the Arrow Cave and he drove an Arrow-Car.

  So, can you guess what Green Arrow flies in? An Arrow-Plane. (Yes, really!)

  As for Hawkeye, his secret identity is Clint Barton. Hawkeye got his start in archery when he was just eight years old. That’s when his parents died (of course), so he joined the circus (of course!). And that’s where Hawkeye became an expert archer.

  But both of these superheroes face problems. First, no matter how many arrows they carry, they’re always going to run out! And second, shooting criminals with regular arrows leads to blood and even death. To solve the second problem, Green Arrow and Hawkeye invented lots of “trick” arrows. These have led to some funny lines, like:

  “We shot off the two-stage rocket arrow, which released the balloon arrow!”

  Now it’s time for you to decide! Which archer has better trick arrows?

  Wait, Green Arrow has atomic warhead arrows? The contest is over. Green Arrow wins!

  Your Achilles’ Heel!

  Achilles was a great hero of ancient Greece. His superpower was invulnerability—nothing could injure him. That’s because when Achilles was a baby, his mother dipped him in magic water. (Just play along, OK?) But since she held baby Achilles by the heel, that was the one spot on his body that didn’t get touched by the water.

  So only Achilles’ heel could be injured.

  As he grew up, Achilles became a mighty warrior who killed many foes. But then a man named Paris found out about Achilles’ heel. Ha! So Paris shot an arrow right at the hero’s weak spot and—

  Bam! Achilles fell down dead, like a sack of Trojan potatoes.

  But here’s what I don’t get: why did Achilles die
instead of just getting a hurt heel? J

  As a superhero, you will also have a weakness, or “Achilles’ heel.” All superheroes do! For example, Superman can fall prey to the glowing green mineral known as kryptonite. These kryptonite chunks are the exploded bits of Superman’s home planet, Krypton.

  Green kryptonite weakens Superman, but there were other kinds of kryptonite too:

  Red kryptonite: Changes Superman’s shape and personality. He might just grow a beard or change color. But on a bad day, Superman will turn into a Hula-Hoop or grow the head of a giant ant. (Seriously.)

  Blue kryptonite: Affects only “Bizarro” versions of Superman. (Don’t ask).

  White kryptonite: Kills plants. (Also kills readers’ attention spans.)

  Gold kryptonite: Eliminates Superman’s superpowers for good.

  So you get the idea. Achilles had a heel. Superman has kryptonite. So what do you have? Don’t say! The important thing is not to tell anyone what your Achilles’ heel is.

  Not even at job interviews.

  And that’s why I will never reveal that Fig Newtons are my Achilles’ heel.

  Oops—hey, forget you read that!

  The Silliest Rescue Ever: Aquaman has an Achilles’ heel: he can only survive for one hour without water. One time, Aquaman was trapped in a barn. He was slowly dying! Luckily, an octopus came and used its tentacles to milk a cow. Then the octopus gave the milk to Aquaman and he was saved. Yay.

  Your Achilles’ heel could also be a personality problem. For example, maybe you’re too proud to work with others. So even though your friends offer to help, you decide to go off to fight a giant robot by yourself.

  And as a result, the giant robot squished you like a bug. Bummer! The ancient Greeks had a word for this. It was hamartia—the character flaw of a hero that leads to his or her downfall.

  * * *

  [11] Although, technically, you lost.

  [12] Answer: a.

  Zingers and Battle Cries—Speaking Superhero!

  Have you ever heard the saying, “You can talk the talk—but can you walk the walk?” It means you’re saying the right things, but you have to back it up with action.

  And action is what superheroes are all about! But when we “talk the talk,” we do it a certain way. So let’s make sure you’re a superhero who can talk good. Or talk well. (Whatever!)

  For starters, remember to use puns whenever possible. A pun is a play on words, like, “We’ve got to get Pig-Man to squeal on the other villains!” And you should also speak dramatically. In other words, be a ham. (Pun!) Talk in a showy, exaggerated way. And treat every situation like it’s life or death. For example:

  Dad: Looks like we’re getting low on bananas.

  You: We better not run out of bananas...or else!

  Dad (confused): Uh...or else what?

  You: Or else innocent people might be lost—and I’m going to complain!

  Battle Cries

  Before entering a fight, superheroes often use a “battle cry.” These battle cries are totally useful. For example, when the Thing yells “It’s clobberin’ time!” he’s doing two things:

  He’s announcing he is on schedule to clobber someone.

  He is politely telling that person it is now time to get clobbered.

  A good battle cry will scare your opponent and inspire your bravery. It’s like you become your own cheerleader! And cheerleaders can be totally helpful—or why else would so many sports teams have them?

  Sadly, superhero teams don’t have cheerleaders. That’s why the Avengers all have to yell “Avengers assemble!” themselves before going into battle. Sure, it’s not the greatest cheer. But it’s much more impressive than “Avengers, gather your chairs around!” or “Avengers join hands!”

  Why There Are No Superhero Cheerleaders

  Of course, even the best battle cry is useless if you don’t yell it. (This is why you never hear about “battle whispers.”) And make sure your battle cry is catchy and inspiring. That cry has got to get you fired up for the fight ahead. So take it from me—yelling “Don’t break my glasses!” isn’t helpful.

  These Battle Cries Are Tough to Beat: The Tick goes into battle yelling “Spoon!” And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles enter fights with a loud “Cowabunga!”

  “To Me, My X-Men!”

  The X-Men are so popular, even their sound effects and catchphrases are popular. Here are some of them—match the sound effects and catchphrases in the first column with their meanings in the second column. (See answers below.[13])

  1. mutie a. The sound of Nightcrawler teleporting

  2. snikt! b. When a strong superhero throws another character at something

  3. Elf c. Insult given to mutants by “normal” people

  4. fastball special d. Wolverine calls everyone this

  5. Bub e. Nightcrawler’s nickname (he has pointy ears)

  6. bamf! f. The sound Wolverine makes extending his claws

  Super Trash-Talking

  Have you ever noticed that right in the middle of a crazy situation, a superhero might zing his opponent with a funny one-liner? Like when Spider-Man first met Kingpin and he noticed how fat he was. So the Webhead said, “Will I be fighting any of your henchmen, or did you already eat them?”

  Good one! And if Spider-Man uses one-liners, you should, too. (It’s super peer pressure.) But it can be hard to come up with a witty remark while avoiding a death ray. So memorize some zingers beforehand.

  Bad Zingers

  “Time out!”

  “This ends here! Or over there. Either way.”

  “I’m telling Mom what you did!”

  So-So Zingers

  “Your powers are growing weaker, scoundrel!”

  “Surrender now, and I might let you live.”

  “You only delay my inevitable victory!”

  Good Zingers

  “Taste the knuckle sandwich of justice!”

  “Show me your organ donor card, so I know where not to punch you.”

  “I don’t like your ugly face—but luckily, I have two fists to change it with!”

  Mottos!

  A motto is a saying that is linked to a superhero’s personality. And it can be really short. For example, the Punisher’s motto is “The guilty will be punished.” That’s it!

  But even with just a few words, a good motto can explain who a superhero is and what he or she stands for. So it’s sort of like a business card. In fact, after knocking out a criminal, the superhero named the Clock would leave an actual business card at the scene of the crime with his motto: “The Clock has struck.”

  Some superheroes are more long-winded. The worst is Green Lantern. When he recharges his ring, it takes him forever to recite his motto:

  “In brightest day, in darkest night,

  No evil shall escape my sight.

  Let those who worship evil’s might

  Beware my power—Green Lantern’s light!”

  Slogan Man!

  “Up in the sky—look! It’s a giant bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

  That’s how Superman’s radio show began back in the 1940s. And it had loads of catchy slogans and mottos. Other classics included “Up, up, and awaaaay!” and “This looks like a job for Superman!”

  By the 1950s, Superman had his own TV show. It started like this: “Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Yes, it’s Superman...who, disguised as Clark Kent...fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way!”

  A snappy motto will give you “street cred” (or, if you can fly, “air cred”). So don’t settle for lame ones like these:

  I think I can! (But if I can’t, no big deal.)

  This looks like a job for—someone who’s not me.

  Time for peanut butter!

  I’m sort of busy right now.

  Ooh, I think I just hit my funny bone!

  I don’t want any trouble.

>   If my costume gets stained, someone’s gonna get it!

  This will sound weird, but sometimes a good motto doesn’t even have to make sense. For example, the Cape’s motto is awesome: “One man, one fight, one right.”

  What does that mean? Who cares? It sounds cool!

  Remember, you have to live with your motto for a long time. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself! Take the Black Hood. His motto was, “Neither threats nor bribes nor bullets nor death itself shall keep me from fulfilling my sacred vow...to erase crime from the face of the earth!”

  Sheesh. Exaggerate much? How about a promise that’s easier to keep: “Neither name-calling nor water balloons will stop me from keeping my promise to put on clean socks at least twice a week.”

  I know this seems like a lot to remember. So if creating the perfect motto or slogan is too much stress, don’t worry. Just dust off an old classic and make it work for you.