by Bart King
How do you go to the bathroom in an exoskeleton? (Actually, never mind. I don’t want to know!)
Iron Man!
Tony Stark is a guy whose only superpower is his mind. But that’s enough! Because Stark is a genius, he invents his own suit of electronic armor. With the suit he can do things like fly, shoot force beams, and use superstrength.
He becomes Iron Man!
Tony Stark’s very first Iron Man suit was gray. But luckily his girlfriend asked, “If [Iron Man’s] a modern knight in shining armor, why doesn’t he wear golden armor?” So Tony Stark changed the exoskeleton’s colors.
Now here’s another good question: Does Tony Stark wear his suit? Or drive it? (Or fly it? Or ride it?)
Tony Stark has invented different special armored suits over time. These suits have mysterious names and uses that we can only guess at, like:
The Hulkbuster
Arctic Armor
War Machine
The Thorbuster
Space Armor
Cool Name! About five hundred years ago, a German knight named Götz von Berlichingen got hit in the hand by cannon fire. So Götz had a mechanical hand installed. With it, he could write with a pen and swing a sword. And then Götz got the coolest nickname ever: “the Iron Hand.”
BTW, one of Tony Stark’s overlooked abilities is multitasking. That means he can do more than one thing at a time. For comparison, you can walk and chew gum at the same time. If you concentrate, you can also rub your stomach with one hand while doing this.
But what if you try to:
Walk
Chew gum
Rub your stomach with one hand
. . . and tap your head with your other hand?
For most people, that’s one too many tasks. And your brain just sort of gives up. So if you’re not careful, you’ll:
Fall down
Swallow your gum
Punch yourself in the stomach as you land
. . . and look really silly!
But for about 3 percent of all people, doing that would be easy. That’s because they’re so good at multitasking they are “supertaskers.” For example, Tony Stark can fly at 400 mph, listen to music, talk to Pepper Potts, shoot repulsor rays, and watch his suit’s monitors all at once. That makes Iron Man a supertasking superhero.
Fun Fact: Iron Man was the first character to knock the Hulk out with a single punch. (And it drained all his batteries!)
Magical Pants!
One of the only superheroes without a costume is the Incredible Hulk. After all, let’s say that Bruce Banner got angry and ripped through all his clothes. Why would he turn into the Hulk and appear in a brand-new outfit?
So instead of a costume, the Hulk’s got green skin. Even so, he still has a clothing problem. Because when the hulking Hulk bursts out of his clothes, he’s still wearing pants! Sure they get torn a bit, but that’s it. And in his early adventures, the Hulk always had purple pants, no matter what clothes Bruce Banner had been wearing.
He had “magical pants”!
* * *
[20] Answer: False! When Batman tells Batgirl to get rid of her bat costume, she refuses, saying, “The law says no ‘man’ can wear it!”
What’s This “Right vs. Wrong” Stuff?!
Dude, you’re famous. All superheroes are! But as a celebrity, you’re going to be under a microscope.
No, not literally—unless you have the power to shrink. What I mean is that people watch superheroes like us very closely. And they think we’re all total goody-goodys, like Captain America. Talk about pressure! That means if you do even one little bad thing (like jaywalking) people will think you’re totally evil.
This is one of the hardest things about being a superhero: The bar is set really high! But that’s okay. You can just fly right over it!
What the public doesn’t understand is that superheroes are all different from each other. So what type of hero do you want to be? Maybe it’s your dream to be a funny superhero. Or perhaps you prefer being thought of as a reluctant superhero, or even a six-toed superhero.
One popular choice is the antihero superhero. This is any character who’s too good to be a villain, but too bad to be a normal superhero. (Think of Wolverine, Venom, and Lobo.)
Pop Quiz
Easy Science!
True or False: Wolverine’s claws could cut through Captain America’s shield.
(See answer below.[21])
To help you pick the right style, think of the game called Dungeons & Dragons. Every character in D&D is one of three types: Good, Neutral, or Evil. Of course, Good and Evil types are easy to understand. And Neutral means the character might do good or bad things, depending on the situation.
Within each of those three categories are three subcategories: Lawful, Neutral, and Chaotic. Lawful characters are honest and follow the rules. Chaotic characters hate authority and do what they want. And Neutral characters fall somewhere between those two.
Obviously, you’re not going to be Evil. But now we can see that being Good (or even Neutral) can be complicated!
Where Do You Want To Be?
Lawful Good: Captain America, Superman Neutral Good: Wonder Woman, Green Lantern Chaotic Good: Spider-Man, Batman
Lawful Neutral: Megamind, William Stryker Neutral: Swamp Thing, Hellboy Chaotic Neutral: Deadpool, the Hulk, Catwoman
Lawful Evil: Magneto, Ra’s al Ghul Neutral Evil: Doctor Doom, Mystique, Galactus Chaotic Evil: The Joker, Carnage
The rules of what’s right and wrong are called ethics. And as a “good guy” (or at least a “neutral guy”) you need to be ethical. But ethics can take a lot of thought, because the right thing to do is not always clear. Yep, ethics can be as slippery as a supervillain covered in toothpaste!
Oh, ick.
Anyway, here’s an example. Let’s say that you can fly, but your best friend is afraid of heights. So you try to be helpful!
We all know that’s not ethical, right? Right! Now let’s look at a trickier situation. One time the Human Torch was fighting a guy named Plantman. And Plantman was tough! First he threw wet acorns at the Human Torch. Then Plantman turned on a sprinkler, putting out the Torch’s flames. Talk about annoying!
The Human Torch was pretty sure that Plantman was a bad guy. And the superhero really wanted to win that fight. So the Human Torch sprayed a container of weed killer all over Plantman.
Did the Human Torch go too far? Maybe! But as a superhero, you will also be faced with ethical questions like, “How badly do I want to win?” and “Did I just kill Plantman?”
Super Useful Information! The average surface temperature of the Human Torch is 780˚F. Okay, I lied about that being “useful.” (How unethical!)
When it comes to ethics, there are no easy answers. Your best bet is to let your conscience be your guide. And then do the right thing! For more pointers, let’s look at some ethical FAQs:
Q. Is it okay for me to join my school’s sports teams even though I have superpowers?
A. There was once a kid named Clark Kent who was the best athlete at his school. (He was also the best athlete in the world.) But because of ethics, he chose not to play football. Clark thought, “I could be the world’s greatest football player, [but] it would be unfair to win that way.”
Shazam! What’s in Superman’s bathroom? The Superbowl.
But there are exceptions. If you can breathe underwater, it’d be wrong for you to join your school’s swim team. (You’d have an unfair advantage.) But it would fine for you to be on the chess team—just as long as the matches aren’t played underwater.
Advanced Ethics: You could also join a sports team and pretend to be a crummy athlete. But this won’t be easy. You’ll have to act like you’re really trying, when you’re actually not trying at all!
Q. A supervillain just shot my grandmother with a “wet-noodle ray.” Then he ran off! Should I chase the villain or help my grandmother?
A. This is a tricky one. If you go after the villain, yo
ur grandmother could slip into a wet-noodle coma. But if you help her, the culprit escapes—and he might do the same thing to someone else. It’s a real dilemma!
Q. Yeah, I knew that already. But what should I do?
A. Hang on—I just got another question!
Q. Let’s say I was in PE class when a giant meteorite hit City Hall. Would it be okay for me to cut school and go help?
A. It depends. If your PE class is doing a ballroom dance unit, then you really should go help. But if your PE teacher scheduled a tug-of-war followed by a pizza party...well, I’m sure those people at City Hall will be just fine!
Q. Can I do something bad if it leads to a greater good? For instance, what if my little brother sprained his ankle on an airport runway? As he lies there, a huge jet hurtles toward him. If I don’t stop the jet with my superstrength, my little brother will get squished. But if I do stop the jet, hundreds of people might die from the impact!
A. Tell your little brother to stop goofing around at the airport.
Q. I caught a bank robber this weekend. After tying him up and calling the police, I noticed there were millions of dollars just lying around. Would it be okay if I stuffed a few bills in my underwear? After all, I bet nobody would miss the cash. And I sort of earned it!
A. You say nobody would know if you took some cash. But one person would know: you. And remember, your conscience is your best guide with ethical problems. (Also? It’s totally unethical to spend money after stuffing it in your underwear.)
The Man of Steal?
Superman might be the most honest superhero ever—but even he’s broken some rules! I mean, think about this—Superman is totally rich. He’s always collecting reward money, discovering treasure, and squeezing coal into diamonds.
But does Superman ever pay any taxes? No. And that’s not ethical. Everybody has to pay taxes! So that’s why Superman once got a bill for one billion dollars in unpaid taxes. Yikes.
So Superman came up with a plan. You see, parents pay less money in taxes because they have kids. Their children are called “dependents.” That’s because the kids depend on their Mom and Dad for support.
So Superman declared every person on Earth a “dependent.” After all, he’d saved the planet many times over. And with billions of dependents, Superman’s tax debt was wiped away!
Moral: Saving the planet makes good financial sense.
As you can see, ethics can be hard to understand. But you can handle it! After all, as a superhero, you’re smarter and better than everybody else. So why should you have to follow the same rules as “normal” people?
Heck, you should be their ruler. Am I right?
No, no, no. I’m wrong! Thinking like that only leads to trouble. Don’t be an egomaniac! And remember, you’re no better than all the boring, sad, ordinary people out there.
Keeping this in mind takes self-control. Just think of the last time someone made you mad. Maybe you saw some maniac speeding on his tricycle! Sure, you’re tempted to blast the driver. But it’s more ethical to disable his vehicle.
Sadly, getting revenge on normal people is not ethical. This is true for the same reason that you don’t push around little kids (even if they deserve it!). Just because you’re a superhero doesn’t mean you get to be a bully.
So now you have a better idea of ethics, right? If not, just pretend. (That’s what I do!)
Your Secret Identity
A good way to stay in touch with average people is your secret identity. (It’s also called an “alter ego” or “double identity.”) But some of you may not need a secret identity. If you’re a weird-looking mutant—like the Thing—forget about it. Disguises don’t work! What are you going to do, lie down on a brick patio and disappear? (Shazam!)
BTW, if you are a weird-looking mutant, that’s great. Please don’t hurt me! But if you’re not, be sure to read the next section.
Four Rules for Your Secret Identity
Secrecy! Keep your secret identity a secret. Otherwise, it’s just a regular identity, and that’s not as impressive. And don’t get tricked into telling anyone who you are!
By the way, the secrecy rule applies to your superpowers, too. You don’t want to tell anyone what your superpowers are—or aren’t.
Criminal: What kinds of superpowers do you have?
Otter Boy: Besides being good at catching fish, I really don’t have any!
Criminal (pulling out a baseball bat): In that case, would you mind holding still?
Punny! What do you call a superhero who’s really proud of his secret identity? An alter-egomaniac.
Keep Track! Your secret identity is your “normal” life. You know, the one you had before becoming a superhero? So when Bruce Wayne wakes up in the morning, he’s Bruce Wayne. When Peter Parker pours milk on his cereal, he’s Peter Parker. It’s not until these two put on their costumes that they become Batman and Spider-Man. So just to make it clear:
Superhero Secret Identity
Batman Bruce Wayne
Spider-Man Peter Parker
But it’s different if you’re born a superhero. When Superman gets up in the morning, he’s Superman. He has to put on a “costume” to become Clark Kent! Weird, huh?
Easiest Secret Identity: The superstretchy Mr. Fantastic works at the Fantastic Four’s headquarters. But when he returns home, his neighbors have no idea of who he is. That’s because every day after work, Mr. Fantastic stretches his face into his Reed Richards secret identity.
The superheroes with the trickiest secret identities are the X-Men. Most of them started life as “normal” human beings. But during their teen years, mutants’ superpowers develop. Then the X-Men face a question: “Do I keep my original identity ‘secret’ or not?”
Nerdiness! Your secret identity must be nerdy. It’s a law! So Catwoman’s a librarian. Clark Kent wears glasses.[22] And Peter Parker is a clueless bookworm. He’s even described as someone who “wouldn’t know a cha-cha from a waltz.”
Hey, wait a minute—neither do I!
Anyway, being a goofball misfit is the perfect cover for your superpowers. Who would guess that the kid with all the multisided dice is actually Power Dude?
Your Basic Superhero
To make your nerd camouflage perfect:
Spill things. A lot! Then try to wipe up the mess with something silly, like small tissues or your socks.
Carry lots of folders. Then trip over your feet and send your papers flying.
Bump into people and mutter, “I beg your pardon,” while pushing your glasses up your nose.
Wear glasses. (Or that previous tip won’t work!)
If someone mentions your superhero identity, act like you’re terrified of him. (“Yes, I’ve heard of Vomit Lad. And boy, does he give me the shivers!”)
Nerds! The nerdiest superhero was a brainy clone of the Hulk. Known as Nerd Hulk, he was supersmart and never got angry. And guess what? It turned out that Nerd Hulk was a gigantic wuss. (Even Captain America could beat him up!)
Career Choice! If you’re a kid, having a secret identity is easier than you think. That’s because everyone thinks you’re at school all day. And of course, that’s where you usually are...if you’re not fighting crime!
But as you get older, you’ll need a job. Rats! So think about working as a reporter. That way, you can disappear for hours “working on a story” and no one will be suspicious. Just look at Peter Parker. He sells news photographs to the newspaper called the Daily Bugle.
Hold the Presses! The Press Guardian was an interesting superhero. Any time a reporter was threatened by bad guys, the Press Guardian beat them up!
There is a catch, though. Like superheroes, reporters have rules. And Peter often breaks one of these rules. See, Peter sometimes takes photos of Spider-Man. But Peter is Spider-Man. That’s a problem! Reporters have an ethical duty to report the news—but not make the news.
Clark Kent does the same thing. Whether writing for newspapers, TV, or the Internet, Clark Kent repor
ts on Superman all the time. But he never tells people that he is Superman. That’s just not right. So remember, after you become a reporter, don’t write about yourself!
“Hiding in Plain Sight”: Instead of being sneaky about keeping your identity a secret, you live or work right out in the open so that people don’t even notice you. (That’s why Clark Kent did TV news.)
I know this whole “secret identity” thing sounds like a lot of work. And there are rare superheroes who don’t have a secret identity. You know, like Wolverine? He’s always a superhero. There’s a name for characters like this: show-offs.
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