The Scar-Faced King

by Isabell Schmitt-Egner

  “Good night, Lilliana. See you in the morning. And forgive my little outburst of emotion.” Constance took the steps up to the door of the small side entrance, leaving Lilli pensive. She looked over at the celebrants, thought she recognised Amon’s silhouette at the table.

  ... it doesn’t suit this castle. Too many terrible things have happened here ... you’ll be returning home soon, and that’s a good thing ...

  Yes, she would go, but not just like that. If she didn’t stay here, she had nothing to lose.

  Lilli stood up. She had drunk a little of the wine, it strengthened her courage. Why shouldn’t she talk to Amon? Either fate wanted it that way or it just wasn’t meant to be. But how could she find out what to do if she did nothing?

  Lilli moved straight up to the table where the king was sitting, and when she got the impression that Amon was not having a conversation with anyone at the moment, she approached him and asked him to come with her for a moment. She thought she read surprise and almost joy in his face as he got up and followed her into the castle.

  “What are you up to?” asked Amon as he hurried in beside her, and Lilli felt her heart, which seemed to have considered climbing out of her throat now.

  “You’ll see in a minute.” Lilli ran to her room and almost stormed through the door. What if Amon got angry with her?

  “What are you doing?” Amon had stopped in the doorway while Lilli had already reached her easel.

  Thankfully, several oil lights were burning in the room, which Sophia had probably lit as a precaution so that she wouldn’t step into the darkness that evening.

  “If you trust me, come in now and close the door.” She turned to him and found that he complied with her request.

  “I am serious about trusting you. You must believe what I am about to tell you. Promise me not to run away right away, but to get to the bottom of this with me.” Lilli searched his face for a clue to his thoughts, but as so often, his expression seemed impenetrable. The light grey eyes glazed intently at her from a face that looked so beautiful only to Lilli. She couldn’t believe that everyone else here perceived something repulsive. Everyone – except her. If this was some strange game, they were playing with her ... at that moment the thought occurred to her for the first time that her father might have set all this up to teach her a lesson.

  No. This was too crazy.

  “I agree.”

  Amon’s words brought her back to the here and now.

  “Good.” Lilli swallowed, then took the painting from her easel and held it out to him so that enough light fell on it from the oil lamp on the small table. Amon inhaled audibly, but otherwise remained outwardly calm.

  “What is this, Lilliana?” he asked, and from his voice she could tell that he was only hiding his mental shock, but that she had hit him deeply. Perhaps he now thought she was making fun of him.

  “I’ll explain what this is all about. At least as best I can. Because it’s a mystery. Or even magic.” Lilli leaned the picture against the window. “Before I came to you, I heard about you having scars on your face. Bad scars. And then I saw you and you ... I liked your face. I hardly noticed the scars. I didn’t understand why everyone was making such a big deal about it. And I noticed the strange responses from people I mentioned some of it to. Now I understand. Because everyone here seems to see this in your face ...” Lilli went to the other picture and pulled down the fabric. Amon’s disfigured face stared from the screen. An unhappy, controlled face.

  “Lilli ... I ...” Amon took a step backwards and she immediately stepped between him and the door. She would not let him escape now.

  “Wait! I beg of you. You promised!”

  In fact, he stopped, but did not give the impression that he liked it.

  “I’ve been talking to Auntie Jahne,” Lilli continued. “Did you know that she wanted someone to come who could look into your heart? To see you as you really are? That in the picture, that is you as I see you, that is your face in my eyes. I have painted it so that you can believe what I see. And I don’t know if it’s magic or if Jahne’s wish has some kind of magic power. I don’t believe in such things – actually. But I swear that ...”

  “Stop it!” Amon was breathing heavily, and his face showed a mixture of despair and anger, fear, and disbelief, but there was something else, and that something gave Lilli hope. Some part of him believed her.

  Amon started for the door with quick steps, but Lilli had expected it and overtook him.

  “No. You’re not running away this time!”

  “Get out of my way,” Amon said, in a voice that would have frightened Lilli in any other situation.

  “No.” She stopped in front of the door, her arms slightly outstretched.

  “You cannot allow yourself to do that to me. I ... am ...” Amon ran his hand through his hair and for a blink, for a brief moment, she could see behind his mask.

  Lilli stepped towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She had to stand on her tiptoes, but she held him tight, pressed her face against his shoulder.

  Briefly she expected him to push her away, but then she felt his hands tentatively resting on her back.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” Lilli whispered. “I don’t understand it myself, but I see you as you are in the picture. And I don’t care what anyone says.”

  Her hand stroked his hair, which felt surprisingly silky. Much smoother than she knew other people’s hair to be. She felt Amon hesitantly place his cheek against her forehead.

  Lilli kept silent and just held him, giving him time. How long might it have been since anyone had held him? Even though he ruled over a country, he was still quite young. Not so much older than her. And she herself longed for hugs, for people to engage with her, for conversation and companionship. What she had heard of Amon so far spoke more of a terribly lonely life.

  Amon breathed in and out deeply and Lilli thought she felt his hand gently stroking her back. Only now did she realise how much her own heart was racing. So close! She had suddenly become so close to him – he was holding her tightly, returning her embrace, and this feeling seemed to her like a completely exceptional moment in her life, a unique event for which there were no words.

  Amon suddenly let go of her and took a step back.

  “Forgive me, I ...” Again, he ran his hand through his hair and in Lilli disappointment fought against pity. She could see what was going on with this young man, what had been done to him. At that moment she thought she had two souls inside her; one that could see the poor, frightened boy in Amon and another – that wanted to run away, offended at the rejection. Lilli thought of Auntie Jahne’s admonition: Only do what you really want. Not what your young head tells you to do.

  Lilli felt exactly what was at stake in this moment and she knew that in the past she had stormed off in similar situations, slamming doors and gleefully throwing her counterpart under the bus. But this boy, who now stood before her helpless and robbed of his protective mask, she did not want to hurt.

  Cautiously, Lilli walked towards him and the fact that he did not try to run to the door again she took as a good sign.

  She put her hand on his arm. Amon allowed it, did not withdraw from her. His gaze briefly flitted uncertainly to her, then he looked away again. Lilli gathered all her courage and took his hand in hers.

  “It’s all right,” she said. “There’s nothing you need to apologise for. Nothing.” She put her other hand to his cheek, though he flinched, and a pleasant shiver ran through her as Amon carefully sought her gaze.

  “I’m not used to this,” he whispered.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Lilli whispered back. Still looking into her eyes, her hand rested against his cheek, sliding down to his neck. Amon tilted his head slightly and his face seemed to approach hers. Although she knew what was about to happen, the sensations caught her completely off guard. Amon’s lips met hers and a dizziness set in Lilli’s head that made her freeze. She could not have moved even her little
finger, as if she had been put under a spell.

  Yes, it was actually happening! What she had secretly imagined, it was happening at that moment, and at that it felt many times more exciting than in her dreams. At last, she overcame her strange stillness and returned his kiss, which plunged her into that sweet daze and sucked every ounce of strength from her legs. Amon had his arm wrapped around her waist and was holding her carefully. When he broke away from her and she saw his questioning look, she smiled at him. As she did so, she felt as if she were waking up from a dream, after which she had to wonder if it hadn’t all been imagination after all.

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” Amon said softly.

  “Nonsense,” Lilli said, gently stroking his silky black hair. “You kissed your fiancée. That’s your duty, nothing more.”

  “My fiancée.” Amon had to laugh, which sounded a little exasperated. “You always manage to spin everything the way you like it.”

  “I know,” Lilli said. “You could learn a thing or two from that. After all, you always twist everything to suit you. You could learn a lot from me.”

  Amon put his head back for a moment, as if seeking advice from a divine power, then smiled a little.

  “Lilli, please tell me what this crazy story is. Why did you draw this picture?”

  “Because that’s how I see you. Seriously. It’s the truth.”

  “That’s impossible. I don’t look like that. You’ve painted someone who is barely disfigured.”

  “But it is. I saw your scars once on you in the mirror and once by the lake in the water. But never when I looked directly at you. I thought it was a play of light and shadow, but Auntie Jahne convinced me. With that painting there.”

  Amon looked at her sceptically, but still had his arm around her waist.

  “You must understand that I find that hard to believe. I don’t believe in magic and the like.”

  “I don’t know how it can be myself,” Lilli said almost desperately. Then her eyes fell on her dressing table. “Wait a minute.” She disengaged herself from his arm and picked up the mirror that lay beside her brush.

  “Let’s look in it together. Please.” She held the mirror out to him. Amon nodded hesitantly, but then stepped up beside her.

  Lilli gasped and had to control herself not to flinch away from him. It was as if another complete stranger was standing next to her, watching her with piercing eyes. She quickly lowered the hand mirror and looked at Amon to make sure it was really him, the face she knew.

  “What did you see?” asked Amon.

  “A stranger. With a disfigured face. I don’t even think ... that it was you. It wasn’t your face with scars, it was just similar to yours.” Lilli felt herself getting sick. What was going on in that effing castle?

  “Lilli ... that sounds crazy, you have to admit.” There was something gentle in Amon’s gaze now, as if he were trying to reassure her, but he didn’t seem like he was even considering that she was right. That reassured Lilli, because she needed to be sure that he took her seriously and didn’t think she was crazy.

  “I admit it. But I need to know if you want to solve this mystery with me. I have a feeling there’s something, something strange. And it has to do with both of us. Don’t you feel anything?” She looked at him promptingly.

  “Yes ... I feel something. Since you’ve been here, everything’s different. You are different. I didn’t know how to deal with you at first because you were so ... well you had no respect and ...”

  “I had nothing to lose,” Lilli said.

  “... Yes, I had that impression too.” Amon smiled barely visible. “What are we doing here, anyway?” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Do you resent me for ...”

  “I already told you, it’s all good,” Lilli reassured him. She looked at him and he returned the look. What was he thinking?

  She wished he would step up to her and kiss her again. She wanted to relive that feeling, but she didn’t dare to just do it. Maybe it was good to break up the situation for now.

  “You must have a larger collection of books here. Do you think we could look for stories about such spells and apparitions? Maybe there’s a curse on you.” Lilli almost felt sorry when she saw the disappointment on Amon’s face. Had he expected anything else? My goodness, she had so little idea about men and how to deal with them that she was directly embarrassed. And Amon had certainly noticed her insecurity.

  “Of course, we have a library here. But I don’t believe in curses.” Amon clasped his hands behind his back.

  “Neither do I, actually. But there’s only one question that matters: do you believe I see you differently without a reflection?” Lilli saw his hesitation quite clearly, but remained silent, waiting for an answer.

  “Yes, I believe you. You would not allow yourself such a cruel joke with me.” Amon spoke the words, looking at her at the same time so questioningly that it stung Lilli’s chest. She would have loved to have flung her arms around his neck again, to have held him against her and told him that she would never do anything like that or anything like that to him, but she stopped and only nodded.

  “Of course, you wouldn’t. It’s the truth.”

  “Then let’s go and see if we can find anything,” Amon said. He nodded at her and went to the door, which he opened for her. Lilli complied with this silent request but remained standing in the doorway. She did not like this distance that now again existed between them. More than that, there was something tormenting and wrong about it, and she thought she saw the same torment in Amon’s eyes. Lilli reached out her hand and it took only a breath for Amon to take it. The feel of his fingers around hers was delightful. His skin felt warm, dry, almost a little rough, perhaps from swordplay. A man’s hand clasped hers, giving her a sense of belonging that she thoroughly enjoyed.

  Amon pulled the door closed and then led her through the corridors, the warm spot between them where their hands touched was their bond in the setting chill of the night. This time the empty corridors didn’t seem a bit scary to Lilli and she wished the library were far away in the furthest corner of the castle so that the moment when he would let her go could be delayed.

  “Amon?”

  Lilli felt Amon hold her back and turn to look at his sister, whose voice she had also heard behind her.

  “Where are you going?”

  Constance looked visibly surprised, and her gaze immediately went to the link of their clasped hands.

  “We’re still going to the big library. To look something up. Good night, sister.” Amon gave her a friendly nod and turned to leave again. Lilli caught a glance from Constance and returned her smile. Amon’s sister seemed to like the fact that Lilli was so concerned with her brother. Hopefully, she didn’t think Lilli was only considering their conversation on the stairs. It was certainly not a bad idea to talk to Constance again tomorrow.

  They reached the library and Amon told Lilli to wait in the doorway because they needed light first and Lilli might bump into the furniture in the dark because she didn’t know her way around the room.

  Shortly afterwards, she saw a warm light shining in the complete darkness, which immediately traced the outline of Amon’s face. He came towards her with the oil light, and it seemed as if his face floated towards her until he came closer, and she could make out the silhouette of his entire form.

  “I’m afraid it’s already too dark to look for books,” he said, reaching his hand out to Lilli again, which she took too gladly.

  “Yes, it’s incredibly dark in here. Like the room is eating the light,” Lilli said, glad to be here with Amon. The many shelves, the heavy tables with the high chairs ... the darting shadows everywhere ... no, this was not the place to be alone at night.

  “What kind of books are you looking for?” Amon asked, his voice reassuring her, as if he could use it to keep the darkness away from them. She liked his voice. She could admit to that now, that she had liked it from the first time they met.

  “I don�
�t know,” Lilli said. “Maybe something about curses or about wishes?”

  “I don’t know if we have anything like that but wait ...” Amon let go of her hand and disappeared into a row of shelves with the light. Lilli looked after him in dismay and then wrapped her arms around her torso. Under no circumstances did she want to come across as a frightened girl, so she said nothing, but while Amon searched for the book, it took all her control to push back her fear. Images came up in her of hands reaching out of the darkness to rest gently on her forearm. Amon reached into a shelf just then and pulled out a book. What if he came towards her and Lilli saw the scarred man in the glow of the lamp? Then she would scream, run away, probably fall down. Amon turned and came back to her. His face looked the same as always and Lilli felt relieved beyond measure when he suggested they look at the book in more light in his room.

  A little later they were sitting at Amon’s desk by candlelight and Lilli had flicked through the book crosswise once without success. This was the wrong lead, she thought. But she was beginning to feel tired anyway, and she remembered that she was about to have to walk to her room alone through the dark corridors. Perhaps Amon could accompany her? That was silly ... yes, it was. But still ...

  Lilli had never believed in supernatural occurrences and basically, she still didn’t. There had to be an explanation for all of this, but tonight, alone in the dark, when she would lie in her bed in her room, then any reasonable explanation in her head would cease. Lilli knew herself, she would hide under the covers, imagining that there was the image of a scarred king in her room, watching her ...