Damned if I do (the Damned Trilogy Book 1)

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “So…you need my…permission?”

  “I don’t need it. I’d prefer it.”

  “Why?”

  I shrugged. There were a lot of reasons. “It makes the marriage claim more powerful.”

  “Why does your dad want you to marry now? Aren’t you only…? What? Twenty-one?”

  I nodded once as I stood up. “Yes–”

  “Then why–?”

  “–and no.”

  Her mouth closed as she seemed to rethink whatever it was she’d been about to say. Instead, she just looked at me in question.

  I sighed. “We’re not sharing backstories. Suffice to say that time works…differently down there. Which is why I only need you for a couple of days.”

  “Is that a couple of days here or there?”

  “Here.”

  “How many days there?”

  “As little as possible,” I promised, my tone inadvertently curt.

  She frowned at me again. “Excuse me?”

  Like I had to explain myself to her. “What? It’s a temporary arrangement. I don’t want to spend more time with you than necessary.”

  All wonder was gone from her face and replaced with annoyance.

  I wasn’t a stranger to heat. I lived with it on a daily basis. Anger. Lust. Annoyance. Excitement. Fire. And this little human was making me feel the literal heat. I just had to work out how much of it was annoyance and how much was excitement.

  “You send Truman into my room to ask me a favour, the least you could do is fake some humility,” she said, crossing her arms.

  “Firstly, I fake nothing. Secondly, I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

  Her frown deepened. “What does that mean?”

  “I am incapable of lying.”

  “But demons and stuff–”

  “Are an entirely different breed. I’m half-angel. The rules apply. Mostly.”

  “Okay.” She started pacing. “Let’s pretend I believe this–”

  “You want more pr–?”

  “Shut up. Let me think.” She paused long enough in her pacing to check I was going to be quiet. I was going to be quiet. “Say I believe all this. You want me to go with you to Hell as your wife? You said just for a couple of days. That’s all you want? Why?”

  “I just need to show Dad and Hell I’ve got a wife, that you are she, and have it all signed off. Then I can send you home and we can both go back to our lives.”

  She blinked. “This is a really inappropriate time. I have exams in a couple of weeks.” She stopped and I practically saw the lightbulb go off. “Wait. Time works differently?”

  “Yes.”

  “As in, people here would experience two days and I could experience…?”

  “As little as possible,” I reassured her, not wanting to risk her saying no.

  “When you say as little time as possible…how long could that feasibly be?”

  What? I felt like I could see where this was going now, and I refused to believe my wife was such a nerd. “You’re considering my offer so you have more study time?”

  She shrugged. “Just more time really. It’s my eighteenth birthday next week. My uni application choices were a total disaster – seriously, why not a single Arts degree? Exams are coming up soon. Then school’s over. Forever. Who’s ready for that? A…pause could be just what I need.”

  “Let me get this straight. You’re considering willingly entering Hell as a vacation?”

  “Does the devil make a habit of torturing his daughter-in-law?”

  I was pretty sure I’d underestimated her. And I didn’t hate it. She definitely wasn’t the little girl I’d left behind. She was more. “It honestly depends on your definition of torture.”

  “A normal person’s definition of torture!” she cried, flailing her arms.

  I rubbed the back of my head. “Yeah, there isn’t really a normal definition.”

  “Sir, Mrs Finster’s cat has been returned to its squishy cushion.”

  I turned to see Truman and the boys standing at the side of the room.

  “She coming home?” Kyle asked, using the language of Hell in his shyness.

  “I’m just about to work that out,” I told him in kind.

  “Sorry. What was that?” she asked.

  I gave her my most sinful crooked smile, and switched back to English. “Kyle wants to know if you’re coming home with us?”

  She breathed out heavily. “I have to be dreaming,” she muttered. “Or mad. Or both.” Another deep breath and she pinned me with that green gaze. “When are you going?”

  “We’re all leaving tonight.”

  Another frown at what was realistically little more than a polite order. “And if I choose not to go?”

  I turned one of my fierce stares on her. “We’re all leaving tonight.”

  She blinked in surprise and I snuck a peak into her mind.

  Oh, it’s going to be like that, is it?

  He is super hot, though.

  That is not a good reason.

  Is a bad reason, though?

  Fine. I’m going. I’m going.

  If he’s going to take me anyway, I may as well choose it.

  “Fine. I’ll agree to come. But you have to tell my parents.”

  I’d faced the most evil beings in creation. I’d fought and beaten every single one of them except my father. What were two human parents compared to that?

  And the sooner my wife was in Hell, the sooner the job was done and I could shed this ridiculous humanity.

  Wren

  So, I was going to Hell. Literally for once, as opposed to all the times Harmony and I had said it about one of our jokes. Because what was agreeing to go to Hell? I mean that was everyone’s usual Friday, wasn’t it?

  Drake and the devilbums followed me back to our house. Well, I say followed. Kyle ran ahead, plastering himself against the door as though he couldn’t wait to go inside.

  “Mum! Dad!” I called as I walked in, narrowly avoiding being run over my Kyle in his excitement to run inside and investigate things.

  “What?” Dad called and Mum replied, “In here.”

  I had no idea how to even begin to broach this. But sitting down seemed like a good start. “Can you guys come to the living room, please?”

  “Don’t try having a family meeting without me,” Tilly called, because of course the whole family was home, then I heard her thundering down the stairs. The thundering stopped and I heard her say, “Oh, my.”

  I looked up and saw she was staring at Drake. So much so, she hadn’t noticed the devilbums until Ignacio snuffled up the stairs to sniff her.

  “Oh, my God! What is that?” Tilly screamed.

  “What? What’s wrong?” Mum asked as she came running in.

  Dad wasn’t far behind her. All three of them were standing at the edges of the living room and staring between Drake and the devilbums. Truman stood patiently by Drake’s leg. Ignacio was still sniffling about suspiciously. And Kyle was investigating everything, mostly with his tongue.

  “Guys, this is Drake,” I started. “He and his mum used to live next door.”

  Mum waved absently. Dad’s jaw dropped. And Tilly had pulled herself together enough to bat her eyelashes at him.

  “And…these are Truman, Ignacio and Kyle…” I continued, pointing to each of them.

  Another absent wave. Some more slack-jaw. And a little fright.

  “Can we all sit down?” I asked. “Drake has a…favour to ask you guys.”

  “A favour?” Dad asked as the three of them did much like I’d recently done, and auto-piloted their way to sitting down.

  I nodded. “Yeah. So, funny story. Drake needs me to pop down to Hell for the weekend.”

  I watched all three of them look to at least one devilbum.

  “Hell?” Dad asked.

  “For the weekend?” Mum added.

  I motioned for Drake to sit and als
o sat. “Yeah. See, the thing is Drake’s dad is – like – the real devil and–”

  There was a clattering noise above me.

  “Kyle!” Drake hissed with a forced chuckle.

  Mum, Dad, Tilly and I all followed his gaze and I saw Kyle swinging upside down on the chandelier with a big goofy smile on his read, leathery face. As much as Ignacio freaked me out, Kyle was like a puppy I just wanted to look after.

  When I looked back to Drake, he chuckled roughly. “Excuse him. Even Hell hasn’t found a way to beat the optimism out of him.”

  “Oh no.” Kyle shook his head, his bat ears flapping madly. “They tried.”

  “Sir, should we get on with it?” Truman asked.

  I didn’t wonder where Ignacio was. I was afraid to see what he was up to.

  Drake cleared his head and edged forwards on his seat, towards my parents. “Look, I know this is all rather unorthodox–”

  Truman cleared his throat. “Religion, sir.”

  Drake sighed. “Right. I know this is…weird.”

  “You’re really the little boy from next door?” Mum asked, looking him over.

  “Yeah.” Drake scoffed. “All grown up.”

  “How’s your mother?” Dad asked.

  “Dead,” Drake said simply.

  “Oh.”

  Drake gave a single nod. “Look, all I’m asking it to borrow Serenity for…I’m not exactly sure how the time difference works. But – like – the weekend at most. I think.”

  “You want to…borrow our daughter?” Mum asked.

  Drake sighed again. “My dad–”

  “The actual devil?” Dad clarified.

  “Yeah, him. He wants me to find a wife.”

  “A wife?” Tilly asked.

  “Yep. I need to get married–”

  “To her?” Trust my sister to find the least plausible part of this whole thing was Drake wanting me.

  Drake cocked his head. “Ah. Well, this is where things get simpler. We’re already married–”

  “WHAT?” Mum, Dad and Tilly cried.

  I took a deep breath. “Not like that. You remember that stupid little ceremony we did down the creek in the back yard when I was – like – five?”

  Tilly snorted. “You mean the one you’ve kept the photo of all these years, and you and your friends dream about Drake coming back and marrying you for real?”

  My cheeks heated and I just caught Drake’s self-satisfied smirk before I looked down quickly in an effort to hide my shame.

  “Convenient thing is, it counts,” Drake said.

  “That counts?” Dad asked, panicking.

  “Not by human law,” Drake said quickly. “But when the rules of Heaven and Hell were being set up, things were a lot…simpler.”

  “So, by the laws of…?” Mum started.

  “My father.” Drake nodded.

  “The two of you are married?”

  Drake shrugged unapologetically. “Counts. I just need to take her home, show her off a little, make Dad happy, and send her back home.”

  “You want to take our daughter to Hell?” Dad asked.

  Now that I had it all sorted out in my head, this circular discussion was a total pain in the arse. I licked my lips and leant towards Drake. “You know how you said you could make them…?”

  He nodded. “Yeah?”

  “Did you mean it?”

  “Yeah.”

  I nodded as I sat back and smiled at my family. “Great. Do that and let’s go.”

  I’d surprised him. “You want me to…?”

  “Yeah,” I answered.

  He shrugged. “Sure. Can do.”

  I stood up, ignoring my parents’ looks of confusion. “I’m going to pack a bag.”

  “Why?” Drake asked.

  I looked at him as witheringly as I was capable. “So, I have stuff to wear.”

  “I can make your parents not worry about you disappearing for a few days. You think you need to bring things with you?”

  “Are your powers like unlimited or something?”

  “Or something.”

  “So, you just do whatever you want?”

  He sighed. “Just do what you need to do. I’ll be here.”

  “Kyle help?” Kyle squeaked, throwing himself off the chandelier.

  Ignacio appeared seemingly out of nowhere and tried to catch him. They both ended up in a pile of red leather and brown fur on the floor.

  “You guys okay?” I asked and Ignacio gave what appeared to be his usual string of intelligible mutterings.

  “Kyle help!” Kyle repeated, hauling himself up and running up the stairs as fast as his little legs would carry him.

  I followed him and noticed Truman followed me. Ignacio growled when I looked back, but stayed with Drake and my parents. As I walked into my room, I heard them having a conversation about the weather in Hell and I assumed Drake had deployed his mojo to make them all okay with it.

  In all honesty, I wasn’t sure how okay I was with it. But it seemed like a better idea to at least pretend I had a choice in the matter and had chosen to go to Hell with a guy claiming I was his wife, rather than be kidnapped. Who knew what would happen if I hadn’t gone willingly?

  Before I could change my mind, I packed a duffel bag with some essentials, some school books, and some toiletries. Truman had this stoic presence that weirdly gave me a huge sense of comfort. He just stood and watched like some sort of soothing security guard. Kyle wasn’t a lot of use, but I didn’t mind him so much. He kept picking things up and asking what they were, often holding them right up to his eye or shoving them in his mouth for a good old taste.

  “Why is it I can understand you now?” I asked him.

  “Serenity coming home. Serenity Master Drake’s. Serenity understand now.”

  Well, no. Serenity didn’t understand now. But he seemed pretty happy with his explanation so I looked at Truman. He wasn’t a lot of help either, with nothing but an inclined head, so I made a mental note to ask Drake later.

  I batted Kyle’s head out of my bag gently, and zipped it up. There was a moment where I managed to get Truman covering Kyle’s eyes to let me get changed – couldn’t very well got to Hell in my school uniform – without either of them looking. And by the time we got back downstairs, my family seemed perfectly happy to see me go.

  “You have a wonderful time,” Mum said.

  Tilly looked at Drake out of the corner of her eyes. “You have a really wonderful time.”

  I laughed and nudged her. “Funny.”

  “Be safe,” Dad said. “And we’ll see you in a few days.”

  I didn’t think I’d remind him I was going to Hell in case that ruined the spell or whatever it was that was making them happy. It certainly made it easier for them to accept my choice, such as it was.

  “Ready?” Drake asked.

  I nodded.

  “Boys.”

  The devilbums all crowded around Drake’s legs and Truman looked up at me.

  “Best hold tight, ma’am.”

  I looked up at Drake and he gave a single nod. I shuffled as close to him as I could get and he put one unnecessarily strong arm around me, pulling me even closer so I had a singular view of his chest. I grabbed hold of the front of his t-shirt with absolutely no idea what was about to happen.

  I blinked and was still waiting.

  Then Drake let go of me and I looked around.

  We weren’t in my parents’ hallway anymore. We were at the edge of what looked like a forest, a crumbling path under foot. Chill wind buffeted me as Drake stepped away, heading for a large rock. The devilbums followed him. Truman trotting rather stately. Ignacio in a sort of hunched over ramble. And Kyle bounding around and covering twice as much ground as he needed to.

  I pulled my bag strap further up my shoulder and hurried to catch up with Drake’s effortless, long strides.

  Around a slight bend was a cave. We a
ll entered and I was just wondering how far we were going to go when I realised the rock had turned from grey to a red-brown and the temperature had risen significantly.

  “Welcome to Hell, ma’am,” Truman said, looking back at me.

  “We’re…here?”

  Kyle nodded as he went running ahead. “Came in the backdoor.”

  I looked around as the tunnel started to get more occupied. Big, round demon-looking creatures with helmets and pikes. Other devilbums running around quickly through everything, even one with an executioner mask on. Some demons were dragging people around with them, people who looked at me with the utter resigned subjugation of those who’d lived it for literal eternity. The whole atmosphere was oppressive. And the heat. I thought Australia in the middle of summer was oppressive, unrelenting heat. It wore away at your will and exhausted you. This was somehow worse. And the sounds. Sounds were reaching my ears, and getting louder by the step. It took me longer than it should have to recognise what they were.

  I swallowed. “Is that… Are they screams?”

  “There aren’t any fluffy clouds down here, Serenity,” Drake said. “Eternal torment around the clock for eternity.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that, but it went a ways to explaining his personality. If I’d been surrounded by all this for years, I’d be pretty cranky too.

  A group of devilbums scurried towards us with wild jabbers, and I pressed myself against the wall to avoid them. Kyle jabbered back, shaking his fist, as they passed. I took a deep breath, but gave Kyle the best smile I could when he turned a grin on me.

  I followed Drake and the devilbums through the tunnels of Hell, feeling more and more astounded. There were a seemingly endless torrent of demons and people and so many random doors behind which screams of all varieties could be heard. Some of them made my skin crawl, some sent nervous tingles down my spine, some made my hair stand on end. But they were all, undeniably, horrific.

  Drake finally stopped in a seemingly non-descript tunnel and pushed open a door.

  Kyle went scampering in and immediately started exploring.

  Ignacio stalked in, sniffing the air.

  Truman peered around Drake, but held back from entering.