Cold Cold Sea

by Linda Huber

  This evening, Joe had wakened no less than three times, and eventually Maggie had dosed him with Calpol. Joe had school tomorrow and he needed his sleep. Pity for her son brought the tears, never far away, to her eyes again. Poor Joe. Poor all of them.

  ‘Ronald Keyes phoned today,’ she said, and Colin looked at her. ‘He mentioned that the Geriatric Unit is looking for lunchtime helpers. I thought maybe I should apply.’

  ‘That’s a good idea. You need something different now. Something to - ’

  Maggie pushed him away. Did no-one understand how she felt? She had lost a child, for God’s sake. Just four years ago she had given birth, and now her child was gone.

  ‘Don’t you dare say “something to keep me busy”,’ she snapped. ‘Or “to take my mind off things”. Don’t you dare.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to,’ said Colin, and her anger evaporated at the exhaustion in his voice. ‘Oh Lord, Mags, let’s not fight. We should be helping each other.’

  He reached out to her and Maggie immediately slid back across towards him. He was right, they’d spent enough time estranged because of Livvy’s disappearance. She put her arms round him and quite suddenly they were both in tears, clutching each other and sobbing.

  ‘I was so angry with you at first, you know,’ said Colin, holding her in a painful grip. ‘Angry because you hadn’t watched Livvy every single second. It was days before I realised that it could just as easily have happened the other way around. Any moment, any second, can be the last time; we just don’t know.’

  ‘I still blame myself,’ said Maggie bitterly. ‘Sometimes I can almost live with it and then I think that I sent her to her death. And now I wake up in the night and I wonder, what was the last thing Livvy ever thought before she died, and did she know how much I loved her... ’

  He sat rubbing her back, and she felt her breathing slow down again.

  ‘Maggie,’ he said, leaning his forehead against hers. ‘I don’t know why Livvy had to die, but I do know for certain that she knew she was loved. She did, you know.’

  Maggie nodded, too tired to reply. Bit by bit, she felt the sick, horror-feeling slide away, and she knew it would soon be replaced by the no-feeling, robot nothingness inside her.

  ‘Ronald once told me there’s a support group in Plymouth, for people who have lost a child,’ said Colin. ‘What do you think?’

  Maggie bit her lip. Sit in a circle of people all grieving for dead children? Tell others her innermost thoughts? Share Olivia with strangers?

  ‘Let’s talk about it tomorrow,’ she said, struggling to her feet. ‘Oh no, Col - I forgot to phone Howard.’

  In all the upset with Joe she had forgotten to phone Howard and ask if they’d found Olivia. But of course they hadn’t.

  ‘Leave it, Maggie,’ said Colin. ‘Howard will be asleep in bed and we should be too. I’m going up.’

  He lurched to his feet and left her on the sofa. Maggie buried her face in her hands. She felt at times that although the grief she shared with Colin brought them closer now, sometimes too it seemed to drive a huge wedge between them. She never knew when the wedge was going to appear, and it was always brutal.

  Maggie rubbed her hot face and blinked fiercely. She hadn’t phoned Howard. This was the start. After this she wouldn’t phone him every evening, there would be longer and longer gaps between her phone calls to ask if they’d found her dead daughter, and then, one day, she would phone for the last time.

  Chapter Twelve

  The child was up before him the next morning, splashing around in the bathroom – now he realised why those four bathrooms had been necessary – and padding about in her room. Did she shower and dress all by herself every morning? It seemed very mature behaviour from such a small child and only added to his unease. Phillip pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt. His clothes had been neatly arranged in one side of the new double wardrobe, everything fresh, ironed, and arranged according to colour. He wondered how on earth Jennifer had found the energy to get this house so perfectly organised.

  Downstairs, he pushed a mug under the coffee machine, and rummaged around the immaculate kitchen for a child-friendly breakfast for the little girl. The whole place was like a show house, something out of an exhibition. They would have to make it a home now, for Daniel and his sister.

  Coffee made, Phillip sipped appreciatively. It felt so wonderful not to be tired. And in spite of the worry it was wonderful to have a new son and daughter, too. Daniel and -Laura? Miriam? Lara? Lara sounded good to him, they had considered it for Hailey too. And right after breakfast he was going to do something about this child who wasn’t Hailey. Yesterday he’d been too exhausted to do anything but roll into bed as soon as the child was in hers. Today he would get things organised for her.

  She came into the kitchen while he was plugging his phone into the charger, already in her uniform.

  ‘Wow, don’t you look posh,’ said Phillip, grinning at her.

  The girl stared at him, her face unmoving.

  ‘Okay,’ said Phillip. ‘Breakfast. You can have cornflakes and toast, or cornflakes, or toast. Or of course you could have toast and cornflakes if you’d prefer that.’

  He raised one eyebrow, wanting to see her smile. To his relief her face brightened, though it wasn’t exactly a smile.

  ‘Toast, please. Can I have honey?’

  ‘You sure can,’ said Phillip, abandoning the cornflakes.

  He sat down opposite her, sipping coffee and watching indulgently as she worked her way through two pieces of toast spread thickly with honey. By the time she had finished he had made her laugh twice, telling her about Gran’s yukky porridge and his efforts to avoid it when he was a boy. Her face looked different when she laughed, it was much more obvious then that she wasn’t Hailey. He had decided he would take this child to school and then go on to the hospital and talk to Jennifer. By the time he collected the child again, he would know who she was, where she came from and what to do about it.

  He wasn’t going to go to the police for the moment. The best thing would actually be if he could get her home without involving the police... appeal to her parents to let it go... They might take pity on Jennifer. It was worth a try, anyway.

  A thought struck him and he turned to the child. ‘Did you have your hair cut recently?’

  She nodded dumbly, her eyes afraid again, and Phillip nodded.

  ‘Good girl. Let’s phone the clinic and ask how the babies are this morning,’ he suggested. ‘Then you can tell your teacher the latest news. What’s her name, anyway?’

  ‘Miss McLure. And her first name’s Katie,’ said Hailey. Then she smiled. ‘And she’s very, very nice.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  Katie found herself driving up the school road behind the Marshalls’ BMW, and by the looks of things it was Hailey’s father in the driving seat. Now this was going to be very interesting, she thought to herself. She drove further up the car park than usual and slid into the space beside the BMW. As soon as Hailey saw Katie she jumped out, her face alive with pleasure.

  ‘The babies came last night!’ she said, in the most enthusiastic tone Katie had heard from her so far. ‘They’re a boy and a girl, and I’ve seen them! They’re tiny!’

  Katie laughed, amazed at the difference in Hailey’s entire demeanour. And there it was, the reason for Mrs Marshall’s oddness yesterday.

  ‘Wow, how exciting!’ She smiled down at the little girl, then turned to the tall, thin man now standing beside the car.

  ‘Mr Marshall? I’m Katie McLure. Congratulations. Are Mrs Marshall and the babies alright?’

  ‘All doing well,’ he said in a deep voice, and Katie was immediately struck by the nervousness of the man. Beads of sweat had broken out on his brow, and he wiped them away with one hand.

  ‘Quite a homecoming you had, then,’ said Katie, wondering if he was just tired. He seemed quite normal apart from the nerves. And Hailey was certainly more relaxed around him than with her mother. She was s
tanding there smiling up at him, and it wasn’t the flashy, unnatural smile she always gave her mother.

  ‘You could say that,’ he said wryly. ‘Is she - um, Hailey, doing alright? Settling in and all that?’

  ‘Yes, I’m very pleased with her,’ said Katie, not wanting to say more in front of the child. ‘Why don’t you come for a visit soon, and see her progress for yourself?’

  ‘Ahm - thank you, I will,’ he said, then ruffled Hailey’s hair and turned back to the car. ‘I’ll pick you up at quarter to four, then, honey.’

  The little girl waved as he drove off and then ran up to the side door beside Katie. ‘Two babies,’ she said confidentially. ‘The boy’s called Daniel John and the girl doesn’t have a name yet but he - Daddy - said they’d choose one today. I’m going to see them again after school.’

  Wonders will never cease, thought Katie. Daddy, assisted by Daniel John and his sister, seemed to have done more in just twelve hours to help Hailey settle into Polpayne than all the professional and motherly efforts of the past several weeks. Look at the child. She was positively blooming.

  ‘You can tell us all about it,’ said Katie. ‘And as soon as you have a photo of the babies you must bring it in to show us.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Hailey. A little frown creased her face, and she slowed down to a walk. ‘Will the babies have to leave home, sometime? I don’t want them to.’

  Katie laughed. ‘Not until they’re grown up,’ she said. ‘Same as you. Don’t worry, you’ll all be together for years and years.’

  Hailey nodded slowly, then ran off into the classroom. Katie heard her call her news to Melanie.

  Well, that was one problem sorted. And now that she didn’t have to worry about Hailey any more, there would be more time to think about Mark. Which was actually a very pleasant prospect. But right now fifteen Halloween masks were waiting to be painted by fifteen enthusiastic budding artists. It was going to be another busy day.

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘Mum?’

  Joe came into the kitchen and stood beside Maggie as she loaded cereal bowls into the dishwasher. She kissed the top of his head. According to his teacher, Joe was coping better at school these days, he was laughing more, and his interaction with the staff and the other children was improving all the time. It was just the family stuff here at home that still felt so horribly new and different, and that might not change any time soon. She couldn’t imagine ever finding life without Olivia to be normal.

  ‘Want a banana for playtime?’

  He shook his head. ‘Mum, Mrs Grey said that if you had a bad feeling about something, you should talk to someone because they might have the same feeling and then you can help each other.’

  ‘And that’s exactly right.’

  Maggie reached for the hand towel. Mrs Grey was Joe’s counsellor, and though he never said much about his sessions with her they were obviously helping. She and Colin were still considering counselling, but at the moment the hurt still felt too raw to share. But Joe always went willingly to his hour with Mrs Grey, who had instructed Maggie and Colin to be open if Joe wanted to talk, but never to force a confidence. Now it sounded as if her son wanted to discuss something further.

  Maggie sat down at the table and Joe leaned against it, rearranging the apples in the fruit bowl.

  ‘Some kids said their mums said it was all our own fault when Livvy got lost. Jay said it was even in the Carlton Gazette yesterday.’

  Maggie stared for a moment before reaching out to squeeze Joe’s arm.

  ‘Heavens, sweetheart, that sounds like very nasty talk. It was just a horrible accident that Livvy got lost. Probably the mums thought that we should have watched Livvy better but your dad and I and Mr Moir have talked about this and agreed that you can’t watch people every single second. So you can tell those kids that a Chief Detective Inspector said it wasn’t our fault.’

  And if only she could believe that herself. Because no matter what anyone said, Maggie knew she would always blame herself for Olivia’s death. She would have to forgive herself one day, she knew - but that day was still a long way off.

  ‘Oh. Why was it in the paper, then?’

  Maggie forced herself to sound brisk. ‘I didn’t read the Gazette yesterday so I don’t know exactly what it said, but I’ll find out and then we can talk again. But Joe, don’t worry about this. If we had done anything wrong Mr Moir would have said so and I think we can trust him, don’t you?’

  ‘Because he’s a Chief Detective?’

  ‘Chief Detective Inspector, even.’

  ‘Cool!’

  Joe ran to get his schoolbag, and Maggie went to look for yesterday’s paper. She usually managed a quick skim through at morning coffee time, but yesterday she’d had a headache. And Colin never touched it.

  It was a short, cheerless article about children who had drowned that year, prompted by a fifteen-year-old’s collapse during a school swimming lesson the previous week. Twenty-one other kids up and down the country had drowned since January, which was apparently more than average. The opinion of the writer was that death by drowning was almost always preventable. The article was accompanied by photos of several children, including Olivia.

  Tears instantly filled Maggie’s eyes. Shouldn’t they have been asked before Livvy’s photo was splashed over the paper like this? But that photo was the one they’d used for the poster. It was all over the internet already, and that didn’t just apply to the photo. Maggie knew she wouldn’t have to search hard at all before finding online forums and discussion pages where she and Colin had been viciously pulled apart and blamed for Livvy’s death. It was horrible and hurtful. Howard had warned them never to look, and to ignore anything that they found.

  Maggie stood forcing herself to breathe regularly. If she’d seen this when she was alone at home she’d have howled, but Joe was upstairs so she had to hold it together. All this stress and it wasn’t even nine o’clock yet.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jennifer rolled over in her high hospital bed and stared out of the window. Dark rainclouds were hovering, but for the moment it was still dry, and although there was no sign of the sun, the very air was shimmering with beautiful silvery brightness, like the sparklers they used to have on Guy Fawkes night when she was a child. It was a special day, because soon she would see her babies.

  ‘Morning, Mrs Marshall!’

  A nurse came into the room with a rubber ring wrapped in a pillow case. She waved it at Jennifer and grinned.

  ‘Here you are, your new sitting companion! Let’s get you ready and I’ll take you along to the nursery.’

  She bustled around cheerfully as she spoke, and Jennifer found herself sitting at the washbasin – on the rubber ring – clad only in her skimpy hospital gown. Some of the shine had disappeared from her day.

  ‘If you’d just give me the blue robe and leave me for a few minutes,’ said Jennifer haughtily. ‘I want to look nice for my babies.’

  ‘Sure,’ said the nurse, pulling Jennifer’s robe from the cupboard.

  Alone, Jennifer heaved a sigh of relief. She washed slowly, changing into her own nightdress and dabbing perfume behind her ears. A little face powder too, it was important to look pretty for her darlings. That was better, now she felt human again.

  The nurse tucked Jennifer’s arm through her own for their walk down the corridor. Jennifer flinched, but found she was glad of the support.

  ‘The first walk always feels a bit wobbly,’ said the nurse, grinning. ‘Must be worse after twins, too. Here we are.’

  The nursery was a long, bright room, with several little fish-tank cots at the far end and three incubators nearer the doorway. Another nurse led Jennifer over to the first two incubators. The babies were lying there, both fast asleep, and Jennifer’s heart pounded in her chest.

  ‘Such darlings,’ she whispered. ‘How are they? Can I hold them?’

  The nurse settled her into an armchair. ‘They’re doing really well. They’ll be
in there keeping warm for a day or two, but you can have them out to hold whenever you like. A nice cosy cuddle with Mum will do them the world of good too.’

  Jennifer accepted a baby, reading the name band with a proud smile. Daniel John Marshall. She had a son.

  ‘Do you have a name for this young lady yet?’ asked the nurse, giving Jennifer her daughter and propping them all up with pillows.

  Jennifer suddenly remembered Phillip, and realised she hadn’t spared him or Hailey a single thought today.

  ‘I’m expecting my husband soon, we’ll decide when he comes,’ she said, relaxing into the chair and giving all her attention to the babies in her arms. Her son, and her daughter. Her little girl.

  Warmth and happiness surged through her like a bright fire. This was quite the most wonderful moment of her life. It made up for everything. Two darling babies. And one was a girl.

  The baby girl squirmed in her arms, and Jennifer held on tightly, humming under her breath, her eyes shining. Her life was complete again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Phillip drove away from Polpayne Castle Primary, conscious of an enormous feeling of relief.

  At last he was alone, with peace and quiet to plan what he should do. Not in a million years had he expected his first twenty-four hours at home to turn out anything like this. He’d been worried about Jennifer, sure, but he’d never seriously thought that it would be anything as bad as this.

  Best case, he’d imagined a cosy evening, after which he would sleep for twelve hours at least and then have a lazy, intimate day with Jennifer, exploring the village and the countryside. Jennifer’s pregnancy and the child who wasn’t Hailey were the two of the biggest shocks he’d had in his life. And now he had to work out what to do.