by Bijou Hunter
“Did Pop send you?”
“No. He’s talking to Mom about sending a few large tattooed club guys to that town you’re moving to. That way, you’ll be protected.”
“I don’t need them protecting me.”
“I don’t care about that. I’m concerned about your safety from Cas.”
The entire time Rando speaks to me, she makes no notice of Cap. My sister is always laser-focused even when she isn’t paying attention. It’s a weird talent.
“Why are you concerned?”
“He is enormous, and you are miniature. Your anatomy doesn’t match up correctly. You could be seriously injured or die from rough sex. I think you should find someone smaller. I saw a short man at the pharmacy one time. He was better suited for you.”
“What man are you talking about?” I ask as Cap’s gaze flickers between my sister and me.
“I don’t know. He was short, and it was a year ago.”
“I doubt I can find him after all this time.”
Rando kicks at the ground with her bunny slippers and gives me a pitying look. “You have to be realistic about your size differentials. Remember when Uncle Tucker tried to shove his head through that too-small opening and cracked his skull?”
Despite nodding, I’m actually thinking about Uncle Tucker dropping Rando and wondering if he cracked her skull. “I don’t plan to ram his anatomy into mine. Plus, my anatomy comes with lubricant.”
“I hadn’t thought about lubricant. Vagina muscles are meant to stretch, but I still have concerns. You should discuss this with Cas prior to commencing the sexual act of lovemaking.”
“Okay, now I know you’re fucking with me,” I mutter, throwing a pillow at her while laughing. “No one says ‘the sexual act of lovemaking.’”
“Lily does.”
“Really? Weird.”
“I don’t think she had sex with that man she was engaged to.”
“He had a name.”
“Terry?”
“No, that wasn’t his name.”
“I called him Terry.”
“Doesn’t make it his name, though.”
“I think it was.”
“Well, you think his,” I pause to gesture at Cap, “name is Cas, and it’s not.”
“I know what his name is. I don’t like it. Cas is better.”
“Rando, go away.”
“I’m not moving to Tennessee with you.”
“I know.”
“Pop says I should. He bribed me with two cats, but I’m not moving.”
“No one expects you to. Pop is just talking.”
“Lily should go with you. She might meet a boring man like Terry, and they can enjoy the sexual act of lovemaking.”
Finally, Rando smiles. I would fucking kill to deadpan as well as she does. Turning on her heel, she walks from the room and leaves me to have an awkward conversation with Cap about size differentials and proper lubrication.
“She isn’t wrong,” Cap says once we’re alone. “You’re fucking tiny, and I’m hung like a stallion. We’ll need to be very careful if I don’t want to kill you.”
“Well, that made me super horny,” I say, shifting off his lap. “We should never have sex.”
“What your sister didn’t mention were the many fun activities we can do without inserting my anatomy into your anatomy.”
“I couldn’t get hornier if I tried.”
Cap chuckles. “Fine, play your frigid game while in your parents’ house with them downstairs plotting against us. When we’re alone and naked in White Horse, Pip, I promise you’ll drip with arousal.”
Shaking my head, I squirm farther away from him. “Drip? I’m done talking about sex for the decade.”
Cap grins at my horror, but his gaze remains lustful. He’s no doubt fantasizing about the many ways we could lubricate me on this bed.
Well, at least, I assume that’s what he’s imagining.
With his menacing vibe, I often can’t get a read on his moods. Meanwhile, he knows my every fucking thought. Talk about a power imbalance simply looking for trouble.
CAP
I can’t believe how much Audrey looks like her mother and sisters. I don’t see a damn thing of Cooper in her, which works fine for me. He’s really not my type.
Audrey’s terrified expression after Rando leaves kills me, and not in a heartbreak way. Why is she worried about fucking when we’re sitting in her bedroom with the door open and her parents just downstairs? I can’t imagine a less erection-inspiring moment than the one we’re currently in, but she still looks like a terrified child.
“I need food,” I say, kissing her forehead quickly before standing and stretching. “My body doesn’t stay this sexy without sufficient calories. Protein is important too for my many, many muscles.”
“So many muscles,” she says, surprising me by running her hands up my chest and then back down again until her fingers are precariously close to the button on my jeans.
“Your sisters are beautiful,” I say, and her smile disappears in an instance. “No way would I have been interested in Lily or Rando had your father pulled his matchmaker routine with them first.”
“You can’t be certain.”
“My family and I have traveled all over the world, and I’ve met a whole lot of beautiful women in my life, Pip. You’re the only one to light a fire in my gut.”
“I did that, huh?” she says, and the confidence returns to her gaze. “I wasn’t even trying either.”
“Oh, darling, we both know you were in a state of heat the moment you saw me,” I tease while cupping her cheek. “You weren’t pulling any seductive moves that day. Not that you needed to. This is the face I want to look at for the rest of my life.”
Audrey exhales softly, looking ready to pop the button on my jeans despite her open door, spying family, and fear of anatomy incompatibility.
“If I’m the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should feed me.”
“One thing my family knows how to do is eat,” she says, sliding her little hand into my massive one. “My pop loves to grill. A few years back, he set up a wood smoker out back. The pork is so tender you can cut it with a spoon.”
Audrey absolutely beams when she talks about her father. I feel like a dick for taking her away from him, but I’d feel even worse if I didn’t have her at my side.
As we walk downstairs, I spot Cooper and Farah stop whispering and focus their aggravated gazes on us.
“I’m making Cap something to eat,” Audrey says while struggling between letting go of my hand and gripping it tighter.
They watch us walk to the large open, country-style kitchen. Once Audrey’s head disappears into the fridge, her parents move closer.
“Where are you staying?” Farah asks, crossing her arms and struggling to control her mom frown.
“Holiday Inn.”
“You’re leaving on Wednesday.”
“That’s the plan, but I won’t go until Audrey is ready to move to White Horse.”
Cooper grunts. “Then you’ll be here awhile.”
“I brought a trailer to move her Harley. Tomorrow, I’ll pick up boxes from the UPS store near the hotel.”
“Waste of time.”
Grinning at Cooper, I sigh. “You’re the reason I met Audrey. What did you think would happen if we hit it off?”
“You’d court her slowly, over a long period of time. And you’d ask my permission before moving her to White Horse.”
“You grossly underestimated Audrey’s appeal.”
“And your arrogance.”
Chuckling, I shake my head. “Yeah, what the fuck were you thinking with that?”
“Do you want a sandwich?” Audrey asks, appearing from the extra-large fridge. “What about corn on the cob?”
“You make me anything you want. I just need to eat.”
“Pig,” Cooper growls from the living room.
Even if his insult didn’t make me laugh, the pissy way he
says the word would. “Big baby,” I mumble in between roaring with laughter. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I don’t want Audrey moving!” Cooper yells, and I laugh harder.
“It’s not funny,” Farah says, but I sense she wants to laugh. Cooper probably knows she’s close to breaking because he narrows his eyes at her until she adds, “It’s really not.”
Audrey returns to the fridge, and I wonder if she’ll climb inside to hide from the situation.
“Did someone die?” Rando asks, entering the kitchen.
“No, honey, no one died,” Farah says to her middle daughter. “Why would you even ask that?”
“Cas is laughing, and Pop is screaming.”
“I’m not screaming,” Cooper mutters.
“Your father doesn’t scream,” Farah clarifies.
“Squealing then?” Rando asks as her face shifts into her deadpan mask.
“No one is dead,” Cooper growls.
Rando walks past me and joins her sister in the fridge. “Can I have something to eat?”
“Should I make a sandwich?”
“No, I want to mix all my food together.”
“I meant for Cap.”
“I don’t know who that is,” Rando says, refusing to use my name. “Mom, do we have coleslaw?”
“Yes, baby. Lily made more earlier.”
“Thank you,” Rando says and suddenly looks at me. “Do you want some coleslaw, Cas?”
“Yes. Food is all I want. I don’t care what. I just want to eat.”
Audrey must hear my frustration because she finally stops hiding and frowns at me. “What would happen if I didn’t feed you?”
“I’d get less sexy.”
“From one meal?” Audrey mutters.
“Yes. I need to eat constantly.”
“Would you die if you didn’t or just get uglier?” Rando asks while dumping food on a plate.
“Uglier. I’d get my own food long before I’d die.”
“Here,” Rando says, shoving a plate at me. “Eat up before something ugly happens to your appearance.”
Audrey frowns at her sister. “I can feed him.”
Rando loses her deadpan expression and glares at Audrey. “You’re letting all the cold air out of the fridge!”
“You’re not my mom!” Audrey yells.
Rando moves closer and stares down at her shorter sister. “If I were, I’d take a belt to your ass and make it raw!”
“Coop, help them de-escalate,” Farah says, glancing back at her husband.
“That shit never works.”
“It does in my classroom.”
“Our kids aren’t your students.”
“What does that mean?”
“Your students are dorks, Farah. I know it. You know it. Anyone who spends two minutes with them knows it. Our kids might not be angels, but they’re not dorks.”
Chewing on the coleslaw, I ask, “Is the reason you’re pitching a squealing fit over Audrey moving because you’re not done raising her?”
“Listen, fuckface,” Cooper growls before his daughters interrupt with their own bitchfest.
“Swamp whore!” Rando says and slaps the side of Audrey’s head.
Audrey immediately slaps Rando back. “Slug fucker!”
When I realize their parents won’t break up the slap-happy divas, I grudgingly set aside my plate of food before standing between the sisters and wrapping my arms around their necks.
“Listen now,” I murmur, doing my best peacemaker impression. “I understand all about wanting to beat the ever-loving shit out of your sibling, but my family has a rule. We’ll talk trash to each other until the sun burns out, but we never get physical.”
The girls glare at each other and then up at me. Ignoring their anger and the possible attack on my genitals, I continue with my mother’s sage advice.
“If you need to take out that anger, find yourself a dangerous spot where muggers or perverts hang out. Then when one attacks you, unleash on the thug all your seething rage you feel at your family. You’ll do a good deed for society by harming a pervert and also avoid injuring someone you love.”
I rub the tops of their heads and step back. “Family first, ladies.”
“You shouldn’t be rubbing the hound’s head,” Audrey growls, looking ready to hit someone though I suspect she’ll aim for Rando.
“I touched her head in the way a brother pets his sister. I touched your head in the way a man caresses his soon-to-be lover. Now, will you please make me more fucking food because coleslaw alone won’t cut it?”
Audrey glances at Rando who is focused on their mother. “Yes, I will. I’m a good hostess.”
“Swamp donkey,” Rando whispers before walking to their mom and hugging her. “I’m sorry you don’t like watching us fight.”
“But you’re not sorry you fight, huh?” Farah asks and gives Cooper a dirty look.
“Hey,” he says, shrugging, “my siblings and I roughhoused plenty growing up, and we turned out fine.”
“Tucker’s an idiot.”
“Where is Tucker?” Audrey asks while warming up a massive plate of ribs for me.
Rando snorts. “He left after Cap hurt his feelings.”
Noticing Rando and Audrey eyeing each other before they burst into laughter, I smile. “I hope you two will learn to take out your differences on strangers rather than beating on each other.”
“That’s really heartfelt,” Audrey coos. “Though I’m still beating the shit out of Colton if the chance arises.”
“Yes, what she said,” Rando adds. “He’s got that coming.”
I’m still smiling at the divas’ improved moods when my gaze finds Cooper’s. His upper lip lifts into a snarl, and I nearly burst into childlike giggles.
“This isn’t over,” he growls at me.
“You’re going to be my father-in-law soon, Mister Johansson. That means it’ll never be over.”
The look on his face is too much. When I burst into mocking laughter, he takes his wife’s hand and storms away. Audrey thinks I ought to treat her dad nicer, but she doesn’t understand men. Deep inside, Cooper needs to know I won’t take shit from anyone. Audrey will be in my town, under my protection while he’ll be hours away. As much as I piss him off, I’m also proving I won’t flinch if she’s ever in danger.
AUDREY
Despite my parents’ anger and my fight with Rando, Cap remains completely relaxed. He takes a plate of food onto the back deck and settles into a chair at the long wooden picnic table. I sit nearby, thinking about how miserable I’ve made my parents by having Cap here.
“Why are you so wound up?” Cap asks after finishing the corn on the cob.
“My mom looks so sad, and my pop is angry. Sure, I’m a pain in the ass, but that doesn’t mean I want to make them miserable.”
“Let me dump some shrink shit on your pretty head, Pip. Starting with your mom. Now you said she had a shitty upbringing, right? Well, often times, kids like that need a lot of predictability in their adult lives. So has your mom always taught the same grade?”
“Yeah.”
“And does she keep a comfortable routine and get tense when the schedule is fucked?”
“Yeah.”
“So we’re messing with her schedule. You said she got upset when Lily’s lame fiancé wanted to move somewhere lame, right? Well, that’s her way. So even if you moved in a year, she’d still get upset because new shit throws her off. That’s how she rolls, and you’ll just need to hug her more. No fixing how a person is wired.”
“And Pop?”
Cap holds a finger up to have me wait until he finishes a rib. Wiping his hands, he swallows. “You weren’t kidding about your father’s barbecue.”
“He’ll be thrilled to know you approve.”
Smirking, Cap continues his shrink shit. “When Keanu was a teenager, he got the idea to adopt a dog. Now his mom has a sort of hippy vibe, and she is a big believer in helping those in need
. So they didn’t adopt a puppy since everyone likes puppies. She wanted an older dog that would likely be put down. At the shelter, Keanu liked one dog, and his little sister wanted a different dog. Their mom couldn’t leave one to die, so she adopted both mutts. Sounds heartwarming, don’t it?”
Nodding, I watch him devour a giant spoonful of coleslaw. He wasn’t kidding about his hunger. I wonder if he’d go cannibal, if the food weren’t offered.
“So Dill was a shepherd mix, and Scud was a lab mix. I think Keanu’s family just assumed these saved animals would be so thrilled to be adopted that they wouldn’t bitch and moan. Well, those dogs had one particular thing they fought over every single fucking night. They both wanted the prime spot between Keanu and Calypso’s beanbag chairs. For years, they growled and snapped at each other over who got to sit in the best spot. It was like they hated each other. Then one day, Scud got loose from Calypso during a walk and ran in front of a truck. Keanu’s dad said the dog committed suicide, which sounds like bullshit. Except weeks later, Dill was diagnosed with cancer and needed to be put to sleep. Keanu’s mom decided Scud knew Dill was dying and couldn’t bear to live without him.”
“I’m missing your point.”
“Yeah, I lost track of my story there,” he says and wipes his smiling lips. “So your dad and I are those dogs. We don’t hate each other, but we both want that prime spot between the beanbag chairs which is you in this scenario.”
“But he wanted us to date.”
“In his head, we make sense. His heart says no one is good enough for you.”
“He didn’t get like this when Lily dated Jay.”
“Jay was a beta who tucked his tail and bowed to your alpha daddy’s will. I will never bow, and that riles up a man like your dad. He’s the king of the alphas in these parts. Other alphas kiss his ass. Why do you think he gets cranky as fuck around my dad? Two alphas, neither willing to bow, we’re lucky they haven’t come to blows yet.”
“So he’ll never like you?”
“No, he’ll like me just like Scud and Dill liked each other. Don’t get distracted by the growling we do at each other. It’s how men like us are built. In fact, his lack of violence should be viewed as silent consent.”