On Becoming His

by Russell, Benjamin T.

  He came deep within

  I succumbed to the man, my Master

  A new beginning

  A final release

  And my body became His

  Acceptance

  Friday morning dawned stormy and somehow the ugly clouds did little to dampen her mood. Sighing, Jessie was already on her second cup of coffee and knew the last thing she needed was more caffeine. She hadn’t slept well at all from excitement surging through her. Thank God she’d taken a few days off of work to be by herself, to adjust to what might…no was going to happen. Groaning, she bit her lower lip and shook her head over and over again as she tried to rationalize every thought, every dream, every conversation she’d had with Luke over the last weeks and months. Long nights they’d talked on the phone or shared a bottle of wine and intellectual and very frank conversations. The sharing had been the best part, the learning and the growing together as a couple. Correction, as a very unconventional couple. Oh well. She loved where they were going and last night’s discussion was par for the course.

  Laughing softly, she slid the tip of her finger back and forth across her mouth remembering their very heated conversation late into the night. Swallowing hard, she eased her hand into the bodice of her dress, flicking her finger back and forth across her nipple. Then she remembered what he’d told her about self pleasuring – not unless she asked permission. Shivering, Jessie pulled her hand out and sat staring at her fingers. “Whew.” There was no doubt he’d tested her with little things to understand her level of commitment. So far she’d passed them, or at least she thought. He was at times a tough task master but very fair and more than loving. He was also a romantic at heart and wanted her to want him. They would no doubt bring a third into their bed at some point, given what they both enjoyed, but he was to be her man period. Luke was more than man enough. Somehow Jessie knew the ugly incident the night in the club was still between them, as if he hadn’t quite forgiven her. How could he? She couldn’t forgive herself.

  Just thinking about him coming over the next night was enough to make her head spin. There was so much to do from getting the house ready to figuring out what she was going to make for dinner. Not that food was going to matter, at least to her. Eyeing the journal, she sighed as she reread the last few entries. One in particular caught her eye and seemed particularly telling.

  I’ve never met a man who reminded me in such simple ways what kind of a woman I am and in truth what kind of a woman I could be. He has no need for harsh words or false truths. I find myself needing to learn more, wanting more and yet he continues to tell me I’m not ready yet, that my journey is only in mid-process. While I understand what he’s saying, I want so much more already.

  Every discussion, every desire building in me is something so unexpected and yet I cringe when he sighs in disappointment and shiver when he praises me. When I told him I loved him I was surprised how emotional the moment was. I always told myself I couldn’t love anyone, not completely and without reservation, but I was wrong. I know they’re just words but for some reason they’re very important to both of us. When he said them back to me I was in awe. Isn’t that silly? I don’t know. At my age you’d think I knew better. I like being a little bit girlie around him. I kinda think he likes that too.

  There are so many special qualities in him and they show in subtle ways. He reminds me every day to take care or myself, be true to myself and the very basic idea is something I’ve found very difficult to do. I’ve always been the one who took care of everyone and everything, forgetting my own needs, no matter how little or perhaps subtle. As I look back on my life, my loves, I wonder what possessed me or when I lost sight of the woman I know now existed inside even then.

  The sequestered woman was always strong but perhaps in a sense too strong? I don’t know all the answers or know everything I need but I do understand what I thought I knew about me existed only in a façade, a side of me I allowed the world to see. Some say I might be hiding now or trying anything simply to avoid my real life, but I know the truth in my heart. This is the woman I always wanted to be.

  Her legs trembling, Jessie nodded over and over again as she closed her eyes. The words were so true and so telling. Getting up to re-fill her coffee, a clap of thunder forced her to jump. Why the hell was she so edgy? Of course her rationality told her there were way too many reasons to be able to talk about with anyone, perhaps including Luke. He was kind and patient with her continuous questions, yet she knew what he was requiring of her. She needed to go down this path herself to truly know if this was what she wanted. For as he said, once decided, he hoped she wouldn’t feel the need to go back on her word, on the contract.

  Contract. She knew of course what that meant given her status in her profession, but a contract between two people entering into a complete D/s relationship was more than just daunting. This was a lifestyle change and one meant for two consenting adults. The thought gave her a chuckle. They were consenting all right. Hell, the man was a powerhouse in bed. Whew. Giggling like a girl, she grabbed the cream out of the fridge and as she poured a hefty amount into her coffee cup, she couldn’t help but think about his hot body, preferably naked. Whew. Their sex life was… Fabulous. There was no other word. He’d allowed her to open up, be completely uninhibited and she wasn’t initially certain why.

  From the way he licked her and filled her pussy to the taking of her anally, every moment had been blissful. Her favorite command to date was simply the first time he’d told her to drop to her knees and suck his cock. There had been no hesitation on her part. She’d knelt in front of him, taken his shaft into her hands and spent a full thirty minutes bringing him to the point of orgasm more than once. Then he’d pushed her down on the bed, lifted her legs over his shoulders and taken her hard in the ass – just the way she loved it. “Sweet Lord.” Jessie had to grip the counter to keep from stumbling. He made her wet every day. The sad truth was she’d never felt so free with a man and there were all the reasons why, including the fact she was like every other woman concerned about her body, but there was more.

  At forty-five years old she’d never had an orgasm with a man being inside of her. She’d also never had a man who truly enjoyed what she craved, being taken in the ass. The thought surprised the heck out of her initially given everything she’d read but the truth was right there. After how many men shying away from just about everything kinky, she finally resigned herself to vanilla sex. Boring. Sighing, she had to remind herself being with Luke wasn’t entirely about sex. This was about control and trust and… “Shit.” Her continued questioning seemed like she was trying to convince herself again this was right, but that wasn’t it at all.

  As she sat back down at the table, Jessie thought about their heated conversation the night before and couldn’t help but smile and then dropped her head as a series of tremors skated down her back. The last words he’d said were something to the effect of the list of her indiscretions were growing. Lordy, he was intense in his desires, his hungers and there were times she completely forgot he was the one in charge. Swallowing hard, she sighed as she thought about him, about his voice, his mannerisms. Every time they talked he sent tremors coursing through her body. The man just did it for her. Still, the word “willful” eased from his lips over and over again. While she’d never thought of herself in such a way, perhaps he was right.

  In the beginning there was no doubt she was testing him as well, whether consciously or subconsciously. While Luke certainly had allowed and even encouraged their generally vivacious conversations that always managed to turn into a serious discussion, Jessie knew he was growing weary of her constant bantering. Hence he’d told her last night while regular disciplining including spankings were going to be in order, he knew the only way to garner her complete attention was to hold off on allowing her his “cream” as he called it. Smiling, she sipped her coffee and closed her eyes, envisioning him as she knelt in front of him, ready to please him as he required. “Mmmm…”
Jessie missed their delicious moments together. Thank God he was coming home. Home. What a wonderful word to add to the process. Would they share her home, his or make a new one together? They’d never really discussed the thought but she didn’t care. She’d go with him anywhere he asked.

  Shaking her head, she could envision his face the last time he was making love with her, buried so deeply inside. “Hmmm…I miss you so much.” Glancing across the table, the unopened Victoria’s Secret bag was a reminder of all the work she had to do before he arrived. It was time to get busy. There were tasks to complete. What had he said to her?

  “How’s my kitty kat tonight?” Luke purred into the phone.

  “Better since you called.” Curling her legs under her, Jessie longed to have him near. Just the sound of his voice alone was enough to thrill her.

  “Mmm… I like the sounds of that. Have you been writing in your journal?”

  “Some.” She cringed the moment she said the word and as he hesitated, not saying anything, she nibbled in her bottom lip. “More than some really. After we talked the other day I sat down and penned several pieces.”

  “Some?”

  “Honestly, more than some.” Her blood pressure instantly rising, she held her breath and calculated what to say. “Poems. I wrote some poems that are really telling I think. You’ll like them. I meant I wrote them for you and…” Her voice trailing off, she knew this was one of those times she would ask for a spanking. He’d asked her to do something simple now twice and on several levels she’d disobeyed him. Closing her eyes, she grew angry with herself.

  “Hmmm… Okay. I’ll accept that answer for now but I want more detail the next time I call. What else have you been doing with your time away from me? Have you been learning and reading, taking time to think about what you want?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Are you certain?”

  “Well…” Fiddling with the hem of her dress, she knew Luke always knew when she wasn’t telling the complete truth. “Mostly.”

  “Mostly. Interesting. I suppose we’ll need to work on your cryptic terms when I arrive,” Luke said as he dropped his voice.

  “Yes, sir.” Her voice barely audible, Jessie closed her eyes. It was never what he said but the way he said the words conveying his disappointment in her. Sighing, she knew what he was asking of her and in truth there was nothing difficult or time consuming. He wanted her to simply admit to herself what she needed before she would consider giving to him what she had told him over and over again she wanted. “I’m not finished yet. You’ll be happy with me. And proud.”

  “Kitty kat, I’m always proud of you. I simply want to make certain you know what you want. That’s all. This is very important for both of us.”

  “Yes, sir. I know.”

  The conversation was never just about the thought of the D/s lifestyle but the few words always burned in the back of her mind. Luke wanted her certain of what she was talking about, more than certain. And for her this meant everything. My God, the man had a one track mind. Growling, she shook her head. Men. Finally grabbing the plastic bag, she peeled open the flap and peered inside. Somehow one of her comforts was ordering from her favorite store. As she pulled out the contents she smiled and then giggled. There was nothing like purchasing something sexy to remind her how much she longed for certain aspects of romance and…

  Groaning, she jerked open the tiny packages and as she slipped out first the spanking new red dress, she sighed as she fingered the slinky material. Jessie couldn’t help but chuckle thinking the color of the dress might just match her well-spanked ass by the end of the night. Rising to her feet, she held the dress up and shook her head as she smoothed down the material. This would be perfect for him. Luke loved her in red and loved… As she allowed her breath to escape slowly, she nodded over and over again before placing the new purchase over the back of a chair gingerly, fingering the bodice.

  Jessie opened the second and third bags as she inhaled deeply. Every once in awhile ordering something so feminine and so seductive, like a new lacy bra and thong, was almost a luxury and one she rarely allowed herself – that is until Luke waltzed into her life. Swallowing hard, she placed both on the kitchen table and smiled. This was a new beginning after all.

  Glancing at her watch, she chewed on her fingernail as she literally glared at the journal again. As Jessie sat down in the chair, determined to make Luke proud of her, so many thoughts and even more questions raced in the back of her mind. He continued to ask the same questions. Why not tackle them head on? Courage to answer them honestly for herself more than anything was really the telling tide so to speak. She picked up the pen and flipped to a new page, just like she was flipping to a new chapter in her life. “Okay questions.”

  Why do you want to become a sub? Because I know in myself I haven’t been happy taking control of every aspect in my life. While initially I thought this was about control in the bedroom, I know now in truth I have always craved a stronger man and one who had the reins. While I may never be able to explain every why, this is second nature to me, almost like breathing or knowing I never wanted children. This is simply a part of me I’ve been denying for the majority of my life. Now I know when I was younger I looked for something controlling and found myself in rather precarious relationships with the wrong kind of men, men who could hurt me both physically and mentally and finally I met a nice guy and thought that’s what I was supposed to do – meet a sweet and very safe man and fall in love. Perhaps I did to some degree, but the honest truth is I loved but wasn’t in love because I was denying a significant portion of my inner being and my needs. And before you ask why, there is no doubt I was afraid not only of admitting to a partner but to myself. Does this make me a lesser person? No. This makes me a much stronger woman and a better life partner knowing what I need and what I’m willing to give up for a life I’ve always craved.

  Why do you want to be my sub? Because when I met you I knew for the first time in my life I could honestly trust a man with the truth about myself and allow him in so deeply he knew every nuance and every dream. I know when I look into your eyes I can trust you without a shadow of a doubt. I have often called the way I feel about you as seeing the measure of the man. It’s the single aspect of knowing you are the only one who knows me better than I know myself. While you’re not perfect, you embody the soul and heart and power of the one man I’ve longed to find. I respect you. I adore you. I admire you. I love you unconditionally and I want to serve you in all things in my life.

  I’ve had enough relationships to know the difference, at least in my heart I believe I do. I’m a strong willed woman and one who knows what she wants, or so I believe more firmly now with regard to the majority of aspects of my life. While I will never be able to be controlled to the point of being what some women call a doormat (a life I refuse to live), I know you’ll respect me as a woman with her own life and needs while helping me understand how to please and service you. I have no shame in knowing I will please you, serve you and in a sense be at your beckon call. I take joy and pride in the fact I am willing to engage in such a dynamic relationship with a man and one I hold so dear in my heart. You complete a part of me I longed to find and continued to search for through a myriad of failed relationships and difficult intimacies. I simply turned off the woman inside, dead to the majority of feelings and outer stimuli. The very first time I met you I was empowered with such a freeing feeling I was overjoyed and in tears. This is what I want without a shadow of a doubt.

  If I wanted to share you with another woman on man in my bed, how does that make you feel? We’ve talked openly and candidly about our past and our sex lives with others. You know I’ve never been a prude when it comes to having sex and have done many things in my life sexually others might think kinky, including a ménage with both another man and another woman. In learning about the concept of being a sub I’ve read so much about lifestyles including sharing. I realize some D/s couples engage in this and yo
u as my D gets to say. I don’t fear safety of my health of body. I know being my “D” you will never put me in a difficult position or in harm’s way. This is simply an extension of sharing joy, control, trust and intimacy.

  Sighing, Jessie read the passages again as she drained the last of her coffee. Having sex with another man or woman was certainly adding another layer of the relationship, but one he’d been very honest and poignant with her about the possibility. Could she? Given she’d basically attacked a mystery man in a bar, probably. Ugh! Certainly she was a self-confidant and sexy woman but there was no doubt she’d worry, especially with another woman, a younger woman, sharing their bed. Then again, Luke had told her right up front he wanted her as his sub and his life partner, not another. And she believed him.

  Being open and honest was so very important for both of them and she had never been so free to tell someone her very visceral needs, her dark hungers before. This part she enjoyed and yet there would be continued apprehension until she knew what he expected of her and of them. Jessie fully anticipated he would test her with her desires for other men. She sensed this was something concerning him as if she could and would find a younger man perhaps, a more viral man. She would pass the test. There was no doubt because there was no man like Luke. It had more to do with how she swooned when he looked at her and how he loved her unconditionally but then again, he was sexy as hell. Swallowing hard, she nodded over and over again. Yes, she would.

  What had surprised Jessie was his question, his demand really she tell him in no uncertain terms what a male third would be like in their bed. She couldn’t remember if his question had been before or after her experience with blondie. While Luke had engaged in certain aspects of enjoying a man and had told her he was bisexual, he had made no bones about the fact he wasn’t certain he’d want a permanent third. He also made certain she knew there was the possibility of having a woman in their bed. Both she accepted of course, reminding him she completely understood he made the choice. While he was allowing her choices so to speak, the truth was he was going to be the one to decide.