Being Not Good: as opposed to being bad

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Couldn’t tell you,” I replied as I turned to face her.

  Her jovial façade fell as she looked me over. “Davin, dear. Are you–?”

  “Fine.” I stretched my neck and walked into the living room before dropping onto the couch.

  Gran followed and I wished I’d had the energy to care more about the quizzical confusion on her face. She sat next to me and put the back of her hand on my forehead.

  I pulled away. “What are you doing?”

  “Checking you’re all right. You look awful–”

  “At least you’re honest for once.”

  Gran tipped my chin to look at my eyes and she frowned. “Are you taking your meds?”

  I ripped my chin from her light-as-a-feather touch and stood up quickly. “Excuse me?”

  She propped her hands in her lap, exuding innocence. “In difficult times, it’s understandable to become…lax with these things.”

  I huffed an incredulous laugh. “Difficult times? No one offed themselves, Gran. My girlfriend and I broke up. There’s a significant difference there.”

  Gran’s eyebrow rose disapprovingly. “Is there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Davin, your knowledge and skilful manipulation of the English language does not extend to an understanding of the emotions conveyed by that very same language.”

  I glared at her. “What exactly are you trying to say?”

  “Only that it is perfectly reasonable to be upset that you and Avery broke up–”

  “I’m fine, Gran!” I yelled. “I am in no way vexed that Avery and I broke up. I enjoyed her company and I care…” I coughed. “I cared about her. But I can do all of that without being so weak and foolish as to have fallen in love with her!”

  “I see. So you weren’t in love with her then?” she asked derisively.

  “No. I wasn’t in love with her.” The idea was almost laughable.

  “Well, that’s something at least,” she said as she picked up her knitting.

  “If you must know, I was just supposed to be helping her trash her reputation.”

  “Were you now?”

  “Yes. Her idiot of a boyfriend dumped her and said she was too good so she wanted to prove she wasn’t.”

  “Was he an idiot before or after he broke up with her?”

  “Excuse me?”

  Gran started on a new row. “Was he an idiot before he broke up with her or because he broke up with her?”

  “He has always been an idiot.”

  “So, no more so because he failed to appreciate her the way she should be appreciated.”

  I huffed. “He certainly didn’t appreciate her the way she deserved to be appreciated. He cheated on her, you know?”

  She shook her head, her eyes on her knitting as I paced agitatedly. “I did not know. Go on.”

  “He cheated on her and then made her feel bad about herself.”

  “So you thought you’d help her?”

  “She…persuaded me to help her.”

  “And how did that go?”

  “It was fine. We dated. She…learned to stand up for herself. It was fine.”

  “And her reputation?”

  “Is decidedly still firmly in place.”

  “So if you were just supposed to be helping her trash her reputation. What else happened?”

  “What? Nothing.”

  “Nothing at all?”

  “No. Why would you think something happened?”

  “You just said you cared about her.”

  “Of course I cared about her. I’m not heartless.”

  “No. You’re not.”

  “It was inevitable that two people who spent time together would grow to…some affection.”

  “But merely some affection? You didn’t fall for her?”

  “No!”

  “Of course you didn’t, dear.”

  “Love is nothing but a construct to lull us into moving through life with less resistance.”

  “Resistance to what, dear?”

  I flapped my arms uselessly. “Resistance to… Pfft. Anything. It’s a tool to placate us.”

  She nodded as she counted her stitches. “Naturally. It’s not at all a real thing that has you is such a tizzy now.”

  “What?” I spluttered. “I’m not in a…tizzy!”

  “No, dear. Silly me. This erratic pacing, lack of volume control and senseless rambling is definitely not a tizzy.”

  “I’m fine. Relationships end. Sometimes one of you kills themselves, and sometimes it’s a matter of outlasting your usefulness.”

  “Of course. Because all relationships are only formed upon a person’s usefulness to another.”

  “Exactly!”

  “It has nothing to do with merely appreciating a person.”

  I scoffed. “No.”

  “And even though you obviously appreciated Avery, she is no longer useful to you.”

  “I’m just as useless to her now. Don’t put this all on me.”

  Gran only nodded knowingly.

  “And besides,” I continued haltingly. “I wouldn’t say I appreciated Avery…”

  “No. Or you’d be far more agitated.”

  “I’m not agitated!”

  “Sorry, dear. No. This is entirely normal behaviour for a man detached from matters of the heart.” Gran of course managed to keep her voice at a normal, inside-approved volume while I downright lost my shit.

  “I am fine!” I yelled.

  “Yes. You always yell me.”

  “Only when you’re being aggravating!”

  “And why do you think I’m being aggravating, Davin?”

  “Because you won’t let go of this idea I’m not okay!”

  “If you’re so okay, why are you yelling?”

  “Because I’m pissed off!”

  Don’t think that just because she was on the ball with the conversation that she’d stopped knitting. She hadn’t. “Why are you pissed off?”

  “Because I fucked up again!”

  “How did you fuck up again?”

  It was a testament to the sincere moment we were having that she didn’t pull me up on my colourful language.

  “Because I lost Avery!”

  “And why does that matter?”

  “Because I love her!” I snapped loudly, then froze.

  Shit. I loved Avery. I’d actually fallen in love with the tiny gnat of positivity. She’d seen me as nothing but a means to an end and once that end was achieved – or abandoned – her relinquishment of my usefulness had obliterated the bottom out of my regular internal pit of despair. And that ‘horrible sinking into a never-ending abyss’ feeling I’d had for the last few weeks was in fact, apparently, heartbreak.

  Nothing about this made any of it any better.

  “So we’ve established that you’re in love with her,” Gran said serenely, still knitting.

  “Yes!” I yelled.

  “Okay. Good.”

  “Fat lot of good that will do me now we’re over! So thanks for that!”

  “You are most welcome, dear boy.”

  “I hope you’re getting some satisfaction out of this!”

  “Much.”

  “I want you to know I’m thinking many bad words!”

  “I’m sure you are.”

  I grunted in annoyance.

  “And you are or aren’t taking your medication?” she asked evenly.

  “Yes, I’m bloody taking my medication!” I snapped back.

  Gran checked over the status of her knitting as she said, “That’s all I wanted to know.”

  “That’s all you…” I muttered angrily.

  I loved the woman but I wanted to throttle her.

  She might have had endless satisfaction out of me realising I was in love with Avery. But I had no such relief. Gran didn’t have to go to school five out of seven days a week and see those shining golden locks sw
ay as she laughed. Gran didn’t feel that kick in the chest every time I bumped into Avery in the hallway or the classroom. She wasn’t the one who wished she was still nauseated just by Avery’s infinite inanity.

  I was the one who had to deal with the way my stomach churned when Avery smiled up at me in passing like nothing had happened. I was the one who caught her scent during the day and felt it like a vice gripping my heart.

  And a desperate desire to hang on to that in some form was the only reason I could come up with to explain why I found myself at the school’s Winter Fair. Not that I was really participating fully in the day’s events. I was just walking around and looking at everything, wondering if it hurt more or less to try to keep some part of Avery with me.

  Which is when a rather out of breath Blair careened into me and stared up at me like she was simultaneously surprised and pleased to see me. And she failed to continue on her way.

  “Can I help you?” I asked her as I pulled my headphones off.

  She shook her head as she fought to get her breath back.

  “No?” I checked. “All right then.”

  Just as I went to put my headphones back on and move on, she held a hand out to stop me and spluttered, “Avery and Miles…”

  I’m not quite sure what the feeling that spread through me was. But it was ugly.

  “Avery and Miles what, Blair?” I asked slowly.

  She swallowed hard, still trying to get her breath back. “At the bake sale.”

  I wasn’t sure by that statement, nor by the look on her face, what was going on at the bake sale or why that had Blair charging around the fair. She was either trying to tell me the two had reconciled and she was sorry to be breaking the news. Or something bad was going down. Either way, I needed to know what it was.

  “Where’s the stall?”

  “This way,” she puffed and led the way.

  And Blair, as only Blair and Avery could, babbled and waved her hands around the whole way. “I don’t know what’s happening… He just came up to her… Then it was…” She exhaled heavily. “And I was like…” She gasped. “And Avery! Then Miles…” She grunted in what I thought was disapproval. “But I wasn’t sure. And I’d seen you around. So I thought I’d best get y–”

  “Yeah. Thanks, Blair,” I said absent-mindedly as I caught sight of them and a flood of relief hit me because they didn’t look like two people reconciling. A flood of relief that was quickly dammed at the realisation that, if they weren’t reconciling, then the something bad was happening.

  “You think you're so good for dating that wannabe badarse school loner?” Miles jeered. “You thought it would make me take you back?”

  “Why would it have anything to do with you?” Avery asked him, glaring at him as though she couldn’t care less that there were people crowding around them.

  “You can’t help that you’re still in love with me, Avery.”

  Avery blinked. “I am not still in love with you. If I was in love with you in the first place. My dating Davin had nothing to do with you, idiot.”

  Miles scoffed, not believing her. “Really?”

  “Yes. Really. Contrary to the fantasy land you’ve created in your head, I haven’t been waiting around for you, using Davin as payback.”

  Miles squared himself, an ugly smirk crossing his face. “Is it true he dumped you because you were too boring? Even the bad boy couldn’t stop you being too good!”

  I was already walking over to them, not caring who was watching. I shoved Miles hard and he turned a glare on me.

  Before Avery could respond to him, I'd pushed him into the stall behind him. One hand planted on the wall to one side of his head and my other balled into a fist I sent crashing towards him. But instead of punching him in his conceited face, I slammed it into the wood on the other side of him.

  “Back off,” I ground through gritted teeth. Not only because I was pissed at him, but also because apparently punching a wooden plank hurt like a bitch. Who knew?

  There was a touch of fear in his eyes but he sneered, “Coming to her defence even now?”

  What did people see in this wanker? “Shut up, you twat.”

  “I can see why you were with him, Ave,” Miles said, maintaining a very cool exterior. “Such passion.”

  “There was enough passion when she was moaning my–”

  “Davin!” Avery said harshly. She put her hand on my arm and I looked at her. “Thanks. But I can handle this.” There was a mixture of hatred and entreaty in her eyes.

  Could she handle it, though? She was beautiful, gorgeous, sweet, kind Avery. She needed someone to protect her from fuck heads like her ex who thought they could walk all over her and treat her like shit…

  But.

  She also full well knew how to stand up for herself now. And she had no qualms about putting it in practice. This was her fight and I hadn’t spent months trying to show her how to fight it to not let her now.

  Against my better judgement and every fibre of my being screaming to do the opposite, I gave her a nod and stepped away. I told myself I could always step in again if she needed.

  “Look here, Miles,” she started, her voice only wavering a little as she looked around as though she only just realised there were people watching. “You don't get to speak to me like that. No one gets to speak to me like that actually. But you especially. You don't get to cheat on me and expect to get away with it – not only that but actually do get away with it – and then dump me only to turn around and behave all incensed that I went out with Davin. What have you got against him anyway? You don't even know him.”

  “Maybe I'm more surprised he decided to go out with you in the first place. Good girls aren’t exactly his type.”

  Now, I know I didn’t know Miles as well as Avery, but there seemed to be something else going on behind his contemptuous insults than his usual personality would normally allow. He seemed agitated, his mouth twitching constantly as though he was supressing a very specific emotion. I just didn’t know what it was.

  I opened my mouth to tell him Avery was exactly my type, but she beat me to it, emphasised with a finger to his chest. “Don't pretend to know what his type is. Just because I was obviously not yours doesn't mean I'm no one's.”

  “You like it boring then?” Miles looked at me with faux sympathy like I’d already proven his point for him.

  I smirked but there was no humour in it. “I personally don't find three times a night boring. And that day we spent in bed…” My eyebrows shot up meaningfully as the crowd ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ in humour and surprise. “But if that's what you consider boring, then I feel very sorry for Cindy. How does she keep up with you?” My tone heavily implied we were all aware of my actual insinuation.

  Miles looked between Avery and me like he couldn't believe it.

  “But you never…” he spluttered. “We never…”

  Avery's grin was anything but saccharine and even if that smile wasn’t mine anymore I was devastatingly proud of her. “It's amazing what you get when you're willing to give, Miles,” she said, merely adding credence to my previous insinuations.

  Miles’ face was total disbelief.

  “You're not a very nice person really, are you?” she asked him, her head tipping to the side much more like a bird examining its prey than a confused ditzy teen pep queen. “Underneath all that charm and swagger, you’re just like the rest of us. Desperate to be accepted, scared of being disliked. I’m not really sure why I thought you were any different.”

  There were some more exclamations from the people in the around us – some laughter and some muttering –and I found it dreadfully challenging to quell the rise of the left side of my mouth.

  “Thank you, Miles, for saving me the trouble of still being with you when you didn’t deserve me. You did me a huge favour.”

  Miles’ face fell and there was a vulnerability in him as his shoulders slumped almost imperceptibly. T
hen he shook himself out and stormed off.

  “Okay. Nothing to see here, folks!” Avery called, smiling at the gathered crowd. I noticed it didn’t reach her eyes. “I hear the fairy floss station has free samples!”

  The crowd started to disperse and Avery kept smiling at them until the flow of people was fairly standard for a school fair again. Then her eyes locked on me. Her smile was gone and I was pretty sure even Ebony would have felt the chill running down her spine.

  Avery stalked over to me. “You!”

  I took a step back. “Me what?”

  “What the hell was that?”

  “What was what?”

  “You are too smart to be this dumb, Davin!” she hissed angrily. “Why did you get involved?”

  “Blair found me. I thought I’d–”

  “You’d what? Perpetuate that Goody-Two-Shoes Avery who needs a big strong boy to look after her?”

  This. This is what you got for caring about someone. This is what emotions got you. They made you act without thinking and then you got yelled at.

  “No. That’s not what–”

  “Then what? Felt sorry for me? You thought good little–”

  “I’m sorry if I couldn’t just sit back and watch you be yelled at by that arsehole.”

  “And what reason could you possibly have to–”

  “Because I love you!”

  Twenty-Five: Avery

  I blinked as I tried to take that in. “I beg your pardon…” I breathed.

  He looked around, his nose scrunching as he huffed. “I love you. Okay?” he snapped quietly. “So excuse me for not being able to stand aside while that shithead laid into you.”

  My heart was fluttering one second, then crashing another, only to thud heavily, then flutter again. My mind reeled and I was having trouble trying to work out what I needed to say.

  “But you…” I breathed out heavily.

  “I what?” he asked, his eyes narrowed.

  “You didn’t… You just asked me what I wanted…”

  Why was it so hard to get enough oxygen into my lungs right now?

  I’d spent the last month pretending that Davin didn’t exist. At least not the Davin I knew. I’d spent the last month pretending that our relationship hadn’t meant the world to me and that I hadn’t felt completely raw and broken since it had ended.