By Your Side

by Brenda Ford

  “Er, yeah, okay.” I nod a few times. “I think. I just need some advice from the Wilson clan…”

  On cue, my next brother answers. Artie, in his biker leathers. “What’s happening? Everything okay? It isn’t like you to try and contact us all the same time. Has the media explosion gotten worse?”

  Before I can answer, my oldest brother Ryan picks up, looking grim, I assume on my behalf. But he doesn’t get a moment to say anything either because Daniel starts talking over him, trying to get my focus. Ben comes next, and I can hear the sympathy rolling off of his tongue immediately. Maybe this was a mistake. It easy for me to forget how full on all of my brothers can be at once. Especially since I’m the youngest. I should have gone one at a time, that would have been better. But then I suppose it would have been conflicting and complex.

  “Guys,” I say firmly, trying to take control of the situation. “Guys, I need to talk to you.”

  “What’s going on?” Ryan answers. “Well, we know a bit of what’s going on, but what’s happening?”

  “So, Millie,” I begin, her name on my tongue making my heart race faster. “You know about Millie.”

  “We don’t know much about Millie,” Ben informs me with a reassuring smile. “We have only seen what’s been written online, but I’m pretty sure that every single one of us understand how wrong that can be. So, we don’t know anything about her. Clearly, she had a bad ex and he got himself in trouble which affected her.”

  “You need to tell us, Lance,” Tim informs me. “You need to tell us about her and what happened.”

  I hang my head low, trying not to be crushed by everything that is to come next. “I don’t know much about what happened either. I haven’t heard it from her. All I really know is that she had a hard time with it which is why she ran away to LA. It’s also the reason that she didn’t want to get involved with me at first. I know why now, because she didn’t want all of this to come back and bite her on the ass…”

  All my brothers talk at once, meaning well, but trying to give me advice that I can’t even hear. It’s frustrating really, I want to yell at them all to shut up but I don’t want to spark out an argument because although we don’t fight much anymore because we’re all adults and love far apart, but I won’t ever forget the rows we used to have. They felt life altering at the time to me at least and I don’t want to recreate that at all.

  “She’s gone,” I finally get out the moment there is a bit of silence. Or it’s quiet enough for me to speak anyway. “She freaked out when all of this leaked online. I can only imagine how the abusive comments must have made her feel, so she’s gone.” I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know where. She told her work that she’s gone back home but I’m really not sure. I can’t imagine her going back to where it all began…”

  “She has family there though, right?” Ben jumps in. “So, I would imagine that’s exactly where she’s gone.”

  “I agree,” Artie declares after a beat of silence. “I mean, the worst has already happened there, hasn’t it? She’s already been through it all at home. This is only new news to the rest of the world. I bet that’s where she is.”

  “The ex is in jail, right?” Daniel cocks his head to one side questioningly. “So, she doesn’t have to worry about him. I bet she has gone back home to be with her parents or whatever. To spend some time with those who love her. If I was in her situation where I felt like I was hated by the world and I was alone, that’s what I would do.”

  “But she didn’t have to be here alone.” I feel sick that the idea she even thought that. “I was here for her. I didn’t mean to bring the press to her door, I didn’t even think… she didn’t have to leave me…”

  I choke back a sob as yet another miracle happens today. Not only do I have all of my brothers here at once on the phone, taking time out of their busy schedules, but they are also all silent at the same time as well. I have them all equally speechless which only suggests to me that there might not be an answer here.

  “You love this girl?” Tom queries quietly. “This isn’t just something that you feel bad about, but you actually love her. I mean, I always assumed that you would end up hitched to a super model or an actress like Ashley.” I snort and roll my eyes as that idea is even suggested. It’s still ridiculous to imagine me and Ashley Hurley together. “If you love her then you need to let her know how much she means to you. You know where she lives since all of those old articles have been dragged back out, so you can find her easily.”

  “But she doesn’t want me around,” I whine pathetically. “I only bring her trouble.”

  “Get help. Do it in disguise somehow.” Tim grins at me as if this should be easy. “You are an actor, right? You have friends in the acting industry. Take a few days off filming and find her. If this is love, then it’s pretty much a life and death situation. You have to let her know how much you love her.”

  “But what if she rejects me?” I can’t stop myself from pouting at the idea. “Then what?”

  “Then you know,” Ryan declares with far too much volume. “You have to know, don’t you? Before you can move on properly, you have to know how she feels. You need to have your answer.”

  This is followed by endless mumbles of agreements which gets me thinking. My brothers are all older than me with much more life experience which means they might well know this from experience. I don’t want to be rejected by Millie, I can’t stand the idea of us not being together, but I suppose it will always kill me more if I let her go without finding out if we could have been a couple. I do need that answer, they are right about that much.

  But who can I get to help me? Who do I trust enough in the industry to help me on my mission?

  My blood runs burning hot as I think about Ashley’s promise to me. She did say that she would be a friend to me, that she’d help me because what happened in our own lives affected one another while we’re in the movie together, which is a good start. But I don’t know how honest she was, I can’t be one hundred percent sure. I never assumed that her offer was one that I would have to take her up in, but it seems that I was wrong.

  Then again, if I want a couple of days off from filming, I suppose I’m going to have to give it a try, aren’t I? I will need to see if she really did mean what she said, and she wants to be a friend of mine. I have to, for Millie’s sake. This isn’t a situation that I ever wanted to find myself in, but I guess it’s time to put it all on the line and to see what direction my life can go in next. Thankfully, I have all my brothers to support me no matter what happens and wherever they are. I won’t ever have to be alone because of my family…

  They are right, of course Millie is with her family, I can’t imagine anywhere better in the world to be.

  Chapter 14 – Millie

  What am I doing here? I honestly have no idea what brought me to this place, why I thought that it might be a good idea. Honestly, this is absolute madness. I can’t wrap my head around it at all. I justified it to myself a lot on the way here, trying to convince myself that this was meant to happen, but as this stern looking woman runs a metal detector over me, looking at me like I am a criminal. What is this going to achieve?

  My heart thunders. It hits my rib cage so hard that I’m sure it must be doing some damage to my lungs. Once the woman waves me through, I place my hand on my chest, trying to check that it isn’t going anywhere. I’m a little dizzy actually, this almost feels like a nightmare rather than reality. But the hard-concrete underneath my feet as I take each heavy step reminds me that this actually is my life right now and I need to live through it.

  There he is. Like there is some un told force between us, my eyes are drawn immediately to Dante’s. I guess because he’s the only person who I know in this cold, unfriendly room, and our history still clings to the air. On their own, my feet stop walking. I find myself unable to get closer to the man who terrorized me for far too long. He might be smiling and half waving at me now, looking calmer than I have ever se
en him before, but the memory of his red, rage fueled face is burned in to my brain and it isn’t going anywhere.

  “Smile,” I whisper to myself as I force a wave back. “Don’t make this any stranger than it needs to be.”

  The only way that I manage to keep walking once more is when a man bumps in to me from behind and he basically forces me to go. I don’t have any choice but to get myself over to the small plastic table where the man who I never wanted to see waits for me, pretty much with open arms, not that I’m going to hug him.

  “Wow, Millie,” he breathes hard. “You look wonderful. That LA sun must be doing you wonders.”

  I shudder and nod hard. I still can’t get over the fact that he knows where I am now, where I live, and probably everything that I’ve been doing with my life as well. Dante is a hard one to escape.

  “Hello, Dante.” My own tone is brisk and cold. “I would ask how you are but that seems strange…”

  “Not at all.” He shakes his head determinedly. “Prison isn’t all bad. It’s been very good to me. It’s changed me in ways that I didn’t even know I could change. It’s made me see the error of my ways.”

  “I see…” This all seems too rehearsed, like he knows exactly how to manipulate me.

  “I’m sorry, I know that might sound a little corny.” He must be able to read my unimpressed expression. “It’s just… well, I have thought about you a lot over the last few years. What it would be like to see you what I would say, how I could make you see how sorry I am… but the timing never felt right. I could only assume that you had moved on with your life and wanted to put me in the past. At least until it all came out again.”

  “Yeah, I wasn’t exactly planning that to happen.” I almost want to apologize to him, but I don’t let myself. I have to remember that this wasn’t my fault, I can’t be blamed for any of it. “I didn’t know…”

  “No, of course not.” Dante smiles, more to himself than anyone else. “I know that lovely, sweet, Millie Jones wouldn’t do anything like that to hurt me. You never want to harm anyone. That’s just you.”

  “Is that how you see me?” That’s a real surprise to me. I don’t quite know how to take it. “Sweet?”

  “Of course. That’s what attracted me to you in the first place. You were always the complete opposite of me in the best possible way. You made me want to be better. You made me… well, I wanted to change…”

  “But you didn’t.” I need to be brave. There isn’t any way that he can hurt me now. Not with all of these police officers around looking. “You didn’t change, did you? Not once we moved in together.”

  His face falls and I can tell that I’ve hit him where it hurts, metaphorically of course. I can’t help being a little bit scared because that’s a natural reaction when it comes to Dante, but it’s also maybe a tiny bit empowering. To finally be able to tell Dante a little bit of what he did to me. It’s weirdly up lifting.

  “No, I didn’t. I don’t think I ever did really, I could just hide it from you a lot better when we didn’t live together.” He smiles thinly but I can see the strain in his eyes. “Moving in together was a mistake in hind sight, but I wanted to be with you, I wanted to be that better man for you. I just couldn’t make it happen.”

  Tears fill my eyes as I think about how different life could have been if he’d either managed to make himself better for me, or if I had known the truth from the start so I could have made some informed decisions.

  “Sorry, I don’t want to upset you, Millie, I just want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. My addiction was too powerful, I was far too deep in to it, there wasn’t any escape from it. I couldn’t do anything. I mean, my first few days locked up when I couldn’t get anything… I can’t tell you how bad that was…”

  Does he want me to feel sorry for him? And why do I a little bit? God, feelings are confusing. Why isn’t there a scrap of rationality when it comes to emotions? It doesn’t make any sense at all. I would love nothing more than to be able to turn all of this off, but I can’t. I mean, I did love him once.

  “Drugs, Dante?” I say with my arms folding across my chest. “How did I not know about drugs?”

  “Drug addicts are liars, and very good ones at that. We get good because we have to lie and nothing else matters but the drugs. It’s a sad fact, but it’s the truth. I would have sacrificed anything…”

  “You did,” I bite back angrily. “You did sacrifice everything. Including me, and that family you killed. Plus, everyone in their lives as well. It affected everyone, what you did. All for fucking drugs.”

  I didn’t want to get this angry. Actually, I feared getting upset and crying more than anything, but I honestly can’t stop myself from letting all of this get the better of me. I need him to know how much he affected everyone with his idiotic quest for drugs. I definitely don’t have any sympathy for him anymore. He’s an asshole. A selfish prick who put himself first one too many times. No one deserved to die for him. Certainly not strangers.

  “I know.” His head hands low once more. “And believe me, I have spent the last few years beating myself up about it. I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what happened, nor do I expect anyone else to. If that’s what you think I have brought you here for, then you’re wrong and I’m sorry for giving that impression. It was never that. I’m not saying sorry to you to clear my conscious or anything like that. I just…”

  “I see.” I do think that I might know what he’s talking about, but it won’t ever make me forgive him. Perhaps him knowing what he did to me will help get me closure though. There’s a chance that this could be the start of me moving on from him, finally letting go of what happened in the past. “Right well… erm, yes, I…”

  “So, Lance Wilson, huh?” he interjects before this conversation can get any deeper. “That’s quite a step up from me. A big Hollywood movie star. That’s great… if he makes you happy. He does make you happy?”

  There’s an intense heat burning through my body, blushing painfully in my cheeks. I really don’t want to discuss my love life with my ex-boyfriend but it seems that I don’t have any choice right now. That is what brought us to this moment, isn’t it? If it wasn’t for that news story, then we wouldn’t be here now sitting across one another in jail, discussing this like… well, like it might be normal, maybe. Not that it’s normal at all.

  “He… well, it was just a kiss.” Kind of. I don’t need to tell him everything. “But he’s nice. Not that it matters because the press is obsessed with his life which is how all of this came out again.”

  “So, he isn’t goods to you?” Dante stares at me curiously, like he’s in any position to judge whether or not another person treats me right. No one could have treated me worse than he did. “He is a play boy actor, I suppose. A guy like that probably has a different woman on his arm every night of the week.”

  I lean back and stare at him, wondering if this is jealousy emanating from him. That’s a pointless emotion since he’s in here forever and I wouldn’t ever take him back anyway, but this is a roller coaster isn’t it? And I know better than anyone that feelings don’t come with rationality. They make no sense at all.

  “Lance isn’t like that,” I insist. “He’s a good person. If I were to be with him, then he would definitely treat me right. But he’s in the public eye, which means I can’t even consider him as a possibility…”

  “Why, do you have any more skeletons?” Dante half laughs as if this is funny. “Any other secrets that they might pull out of your back story? Because if not, I would say that the worst has happened…”

  As soon as those words are out of his mouth, Dante tries to retract them, I guess because of the jealousy. But I tune him out, I can’t listen to him anymore. I can’t hear a word that he’s saying because I’m thinking about that exact concept. The idea that I don’t have anything else to hide, there isn’t anything else that the press or the Internet can find out about me. Nothing life destroying anyway. The worst has h
appened. And as with any media story, it will eventually blow over. Someone else will do something more interesting and the spot light will be on them. So, in a way, I could be with Lance if I wanted to. I could give it a go… maybe…

  “Where are you going?” As soon as Dante asks this, I realize that I’m on my feet. “We still have time.”

  “I need to see my father,” I shoot back rapidly, since I’m now done with him. There isn’t anything else that Dante can say or do for me now, our chat is over. It’s time for me to let my dad know that I’m back at home. He will be excited to see me. “Goodbye, Dante. Thank you for talking with me. It was… enlightening.”

  I’m sure he has more to say, but I’m done. This time I get to walk away from him with my head held high, letting him know that while he defeated me for a while, it will never happen again. Ever. If that isn’t closure, if that isn’t me taking a step in the right direction to moving on, then I don’t know what is.

  Chapter 15 – Lance

  I don’t feel right as I walk through Millie’s home town, I have the distinct impression that I don’t fit in here, that I am stepping on territory which I don’t really understand. Perhaps I shouldn’t have let my brothers talk me in to this after all. It could be a real mistake and I might be about to wreck it all here. I should leave…

  “Lance Wilson! Oh my God, it’s really you. What are you doing here? Can I have a selfie?”

  A group of very excitable teenagers leap and bound over to me before snapping a million pictures. I don’t know how I look in any of them, I definitely don’t have my best face on, but it hardly matters. All these girls want is evidence that they have met me to post online for the world to see. So much for keeping a low profile and hiding myself in a disguise, which Ashley highly recommended I do, but it’s too late now.

  Maybe Millie will see it and she’ll know that I’ve come looking for her… not that I can imagine her spending a lot of time in the evil depths of the Internet right now. Or possibly ever again.