Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘I always have ace ideas,’ she told him smugly. ‘And my teacher says I’m the best writer in my class, too. In the whole school, actually. Better than Karen, any day!’

  ‘I can tell.’ West dipped his voice conspiratorially. ‘She looks like she’d be dead untidy, your sister. Bet she can’t even draw a straight line without going like this . . .’ Holding up a finger, he drew a wobbly line in the air.

  Sarah giggled. He pounced.

  ‘Go easy!’ Kay frowned as West manhandled Sarah in through the back door. ‘She’s only a kid, for Christ’s sake.’

  ‘Fuck off!’ Sarah screamed, kicking out wildly as she was carried past. ‘FUCK OOOOFF!’

  ‘See what she did to her mam, did you?’ West yelled over his shoulder as he marched through the living room and out of the front door to where the second ambulance was now waiting. ‘Or what she was about to do to herself? An’ you don’t even wanna know what she did to that kitten!’

  Kay snapped her mouth shut. He definitely had a point; the child was a real danger to herself, right now. But what had sparked it off?

  According to the mother, Sarah was born evil. But that was rubbish. In Kay’s – admittedly limited – experience, kids became what they were as a result of their environment. And from what she’d seen of this child’s environment so far, she didn’t doubt that Sarah Mullen had probably witnessed things that no child of her age should have even been aware of, much less seen.

  2

  Three weeks later, Maggie was sitting on the couch, agitatedly chain-smoking. A few feet away, Karen was playing with a tiny ginger kitten on the dust-coated carpet beneath the window. A gift from a neighbour, the kitten was a replacement for the ill-fated Joey. Runt of the litter, it was too young and fragile to have to deal with a Mullen child’s idea of affection. If it were lucky, it would learn to hide before its nine chances ran out. If not . . .

  The phone began to ring for the third time in an hour. Maggie ignored it. She knew that it was the Social Services calling to ask why she hadn’t turned up for the meeting – again. But how could she go? The little bitch could have told them all sorts by now.

  ‘In’t you gonna get it, Mammy?’ Karen moaned, squashing the kitten’s belly with an unwashed foot. ‘It keepses on ringing, an’ it’s hurting my head.’

  Maggie shook her head. ‘It’ll stop in a bit. It’s only them from the social about our Sarah.’

  At the mention of her sister’s name, Karen snatched up the kitten and clutched it tightly to her chest. It squealed with terror, jangling Maggie’s taut nerves.

  ‘Stop squashing that fucking cat!’

  ‘Don’t want Sarah back!’ Karen’s lip quivered. ‘She’ll hurt Bobby like she hurted my Joey!’

  ‘No, she won’t.’ Maggie lit yet another cigarette, adding to the smoke blanketing the room in a suffocating blue haze. ‘I won’t let no one touch him. Now put him down before you strangle him.’

  ‘Anyone home?’ Dakin popped his head around the door just as the phone stopped ringing. Grinning at Karen, he produced a packet of sweets from behind his back. ‘Look what I’ve got.’

  Squealing with delight, Karen tossed the kitten aside and ran to him, snatching the sweets from his hand. ‘Ta, Uncky Lorry!’

  ‘Stop calling him that!’ Maggie tutted loudly. ‘How many times do I have to tell you, he ain’t your bleeding uncle!’

  ‘She can call me that if she wants,’ Dakin said, reaching out to ruffle Karen’s hair as she greedily ripped the sweets open and went back to the kitten. ‘Why didn’t you answer that?’ he asked Maggie then, motioning with a nod towards the phone.

  ‘’Cos I didn’t want to,’ she muttered. ‘And you know what it’s about as well as I do, so don’t bother saying nowt.’

  Frowning, he dropped down onto the couch beside her. ‘You can’t keep this up, you know. They’re not just going to give up because you ignore their letters and phone calls. They’ll send someone round if you’re not careful.’

  ‘Let ’em!’ Maggie gave a cavalier shrug. ‘I don’t have to open me door. They can’t make me.’

  ‘They can, and they will.’

  ‘No, they can’t. I know me rights. Anyhow, I don’t want her back. Not after what she done.’

  ‘If you want my opinion, I think you’re making things worse for yourself,’ he said. ‘But if you’ve made your mind up, I suggest you just tell them. I’m sure they’ll understand.’

  ‘You deal with it, then, if you’re so bloody sure,’ Maggie snapped as the phone began to ring yet again. ‘But you can leave me well out of it.’

  ‘I can’t,’ Dakin snapped back. ‘Just bloody talk to them and get it over with, will you?’

  ‘Belt up, Lol.’ She cast a warning glance Karen’s way. ‘The neighbours’ll have it out of her in no time, the nosy bastards!’

  Lowering his voice, he said, ‘All right, I’ll take her to the shops, then. She can’t tell ’em nothing if she don’t know nothing.’

  ‘Stop nagging me!’ Lashing out, Maggie caught him a glancing blow on the shoulder. ‘You know I can’t talk to them! What if she’s said summat?’

  ‘She won’t have,’ he hissed, rubbing his shoulder. ‘But even if she has, you just deny it, don’t you? No one’s gonna believe her after what she did.’

  ‘I can’t risk it.’

  ‘So you’d rather just sit here worrying?’

  ‘I can’t!’ Maggie chewed on an already-butchered fingernail, drawing blood.

  Dakin stood up. If she wouldn’t take the plunge of her own accord, he’d just have to force her hand. She’d crack up if she carried on like this, and then they’d take little Karen away as well.

  ‘I know you don’t want to,’ he told her, heading for the phone, ‘but you’ve got to sort this out, so, here . . .’ Lifting the receiver, he held it out to her. After a stubborn pause, she reached across the back of the couch and snatched it from him.

  The caller introduced herself as Mrs Baker from Social Services, then said, ‘We had a meeting, Mrs Mullen. Did you forget?’

  ‘No. I just couldn’t come.’

  ‘But we gave you plenty of advance warning. Surely you could have contacted us if you knew that you wouldn’t be able to make it.’

  ‘It’s not my fault,’ Maggie whined. ‘I haven’t got no money for a start. And then there’s my Karen to think about. It’s not that easy to get a babysitter at the drop of a hat, you know.’

  ‘Okay, fine.’ A sigh. ‘Well, maybe we could reschedule for later this afternoon? We’ll reimburse your bus fare, if need be. And you can bring your daughter along, if that helps. Now, what time is best for you?’

  ‘Never,’ Maggie muttered, ignoring a warning frown from Dakin.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure we’ll come up with a mutually suitable time if we put our heads together,’ Mrs Baker persisted breezily. ‘Obviously, we need to resolve this situation as quickly as possible, but there are certain things we need to discuss before we can move forward.’

  ‘Such as?’ Maggie felt the sweat breaking out on her back. Was this the sting? Was the woman only being friendly just to lull her into a false sense of security – getting her to agree to a meet so that they could arrest her? Flicking a worried glance at Dakin, she said, ‘Has that little mare been spinning tales about me?’

  ‘Not that I’m aware of.’ Mrs Baker sounded confused. ‘She’s very eager to return home, obviously, but we need to discuss the situation first.’

  ‘What’s to discuss?’

  ‘I’m afraid I can’t give details over the phone. There are strict regulations governing our procedures. We need to see you in person.’

  ‘I’ve just told you I can’t come, so either tell me now or send a letter.’

  ‘I can’t do that. I thought you underst—’

  ‘See, this is why I didn’t come to the flaming meeting,’ Maggie interrupted angrily. ‘I don’t like being told I’ve got to come here or go there. And when I ask you to tell me, you sta
rt going on with yourself about procedures, and shit. It’s like you’re trying to blackmail me, or something.’

  ‘Not at all.’ Mrs Baker struggled to keep the astonishment from her voice. ‘That’s just the way it is.’

  ‘For you, maybe, but I don’t have to do nothing I don’t want to.’

  ‘Look, Mrs Mullen, there are certain provisos attached to Sarah’s return. Now, obviously we wouldn’t expect you to have to deal with this alone, so we need to set up a schedule of support involving various official bodies – family counselling, for example. So, if we could just set up another date?’

  Irritated by her condescending tone, Maggie said, ‘Tell you what, love, here’s a pro-wotsit of me own: keep her, ’cos I don’t want her back.’

  ‘I appreciate you’re a little frustrated at the moment but, with respect, Sarah’s been perfectly well behaved while she’s been with us, and I’m sure if you could just take an objective view of—’

  ‘Bollocks! I know me own kid better than you, and if you ask me, you’re looking up your arse if you can’t see what she’s really like. I had to live with her, don’t forget, and if you think I’m carrying on as normal after what she done, you can forget it!’

  ‘Mrs Mullen, please . . .’

  ‘Oh, piss off. You’re useless, you lot. Always butting into people’s business and telling ’em what to – Oi!’

  Snatching the phone, Dakin said, ‘Sorry to interrupt, Miss, but if you could just give us a minute.’ Turning to Maggie then, his hand firmly covering the mouthpiece, he said, ‘What d’y’ think you’re doing, you stupid cow? You can’t talk to them like that!’

  ‘I can talk to ’em anyhow I like,’ she bellowed. ‘What’s she gonna do? Sue me?’

  ‘There’s a few things they could find you guilty of if they decided to make an issue of it,’ he hissed, drawing his face back from the stench of stale beer and no toothbrush wafting from her mouth. ‘Just stop being so flaming aggressive.’

  ‘Fuck off! They’ve got no right to tell me what to do, and neither have you!’

  ‘Stop shouting, Mammy,’ Karen whined. ‘You’ll make Bobby piss ’isself.’

  ‘And he’ll get his bleeding neck wrung!’ Maggie yelled.

  Karen immediately began to wail.

  ‘It’s all right, sweetie,’ Dakin told her. ‘Mammy’s just a bit upset. Why don’t you take him into the kitchen for a bit, eh?’

  ‘Sorry, babe,’ Maggie said when Karen sloped past, sniffing back her tears. ‘I’m not mad at you.’

  ‘Shouldn’t’ve said that ’bout Bobby,’ Karen scolded sulkily. ‘He’s only lickle!’

  ‘Never mind looking guilty,’ Dakin said when Karen had gone. ‘You’d better get this sorted before you land yourself right in it.’

  ‘Don’t see why I should,’ Maggie muttered. Then, knowing he was right, she snatched the phone back and forced herself to apologize to the bossy bitch on the other end.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry for kicking off, love, but this is really hard for me. I know you probably think I’m terrible, but I just can’t cope no more. No matter what you say, I know she’s not right in the head. What if I let her come back and she cuts our Karen? Is that what it’s gonna take before something’s done about her?’

  ‘Of course not.’ Mrs Baker was sympathetic now, heartened by the gabbled but – she believed – sincere flood of self-doubt from Maggie Mullen. ‘Although, in our opinion, Sarah is unlikely to display such uncharacteristic violence towards either yourself or her sister in the future.’

  ‘Ah, but that’s just it. Your opinion don’t really cut it with me, ’cos you’ve hardly known her two minutes, have you?’

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘But nowt, love.’ Maggie was far less aggressive now that she felt she was winning. ‘Look, why don’t you just keep hold of her for the time being? Sort her head out, then I’ll . . .’ Pausing, she sighed heavily. ‘Well, we’ll see where we go from there.’

  Slowly, so as not to misunderstand nor be misunderstood, Mrs Baker said, ‘Are you requesting that Sarah remain in care?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Temporarily?’

  ‘Why . . . have I got a choice? ’Cos I’ll go for permanent, if I have. Can you do that?’

  ‘You do realize that you’ll be relinquishing custody if you take this step? And that you’ll be facing a much more taxing set of procedures than at present should you ever try to reverse that decision.’

  ‘Oh, I won’t change me mind.’

  After a momentary pause, Mrs Baker said, ‘Well, it’s your decision, of course, but you will definitely have to attend an appointment to finalize things.’

  ‘And that’ll be it?’

  ‘Indeed it will, so please be sure that it’s what you really want.’

  ‘Oh, it is, love. It is. So, when can we do this appointment thing?’

  At Starlight Children’s Home twenty minutes later, Dandi Matthews said goodbye to Rhona Baker and put the phone down. Dropping her head into her hands, she exhaled loudly, muttering ‘Bitch!’ under her breath.

  Scraping her chair back, she left the office and wearily mounted the stairs, dreading the effect that this news would have on the child waiting patiently in her – supposedly temporary – bedroom.

  Much as she loved her job as housemother, Dandi found this particular aspect of it loathsome. She was genuinely fond of the kids in her care and hated having to give them bad news. And this was going to be particularly hard, because Sarah Mullen wasn’t the usual rude, aggressive kid who’d take such a blow on the chin. She was a sweet little girl, with the face of an angel, and an air of sadness so real that you could practically taste the pain.

  Dandi had no doubt that there was far more to this story than anyone realized, but they might never know for sure. Sarah certainly wasn’t telling. But then, the most dreadfully abused children were also the most vehemently loyal. Especially when the abuser was the parent.

  Sarah was perched on the edge of the bed, her small bag of belongings clutched tightly in her lap. She’d refused to unpack because that would have been like saying she wanted to stay. And she had no intention of doing that. Not for one second longer than she had to.

  On a knife’s edge all day, waiting to hear the outcome of the meeting between her mother and the Social Services, she looked up anxiously when the door opened. One look at Dandi’s expression told her everything that she needed to know. Shaking her head slowly from side to side, the tears she had valiantly held at bay for three long weeks spilled onto her cheeks.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Dandi sat down beside her, ‘but I’m afraid it’s bad news.’

  ‘I wanna go hooome . . .’ Sarah wailed.

  ‘I know you do, sweetheart, but it’s just not possible at the moment. Your mummy’s not quite ready yet.’

  ‘Tell her I’ll be good,’ Sarah begged, her face alive with desperation as she grasped the front of Dandi’s dress and tugged on it. ‘Tell her I’m sorry for being naughty, an’ I’ll do what I’m told from now on! Please, Miss . . . tell her if she loves me again I’ll be a really good girl!’

  ‘Oh, Sarah, she does love you!’ Taking Sarah’s hands, Dandi squeezed them to emphasize her words. ‘She loves you very much, and wants to be sure that you’re getting the best possible care, but she doesn’t feel able to give that to you right now.’

  Stiffening, Sarah slid her hands free. ‘How long have I got to stay?’

  ‘Just until your mummy feels able to cope,’ Dandi reassured her. ‘But you mustn’t worry, we’ll make sure you have a wonderful time. We go on lots of trips, and picnics, and stuff. Oh, and you’ll love Blackpool,’ she went on, forcing gaiety into her voice now. ‘You’re just in time for this year’s visit. We go on all the rides, and—’

  ‘She’s dumped me ’cos I’m bad,’ Sarah murmured, ignoring Dandi’s attempt at casting light into the pit of darkness.

  ‘You are not bad. You’re a lovely girl, and you’re very, very good.�
�

  ‘No, I’m not. I’m bad, an’ useless, an’ good for nowt but trouble. She said so.’

  Blinking back the tears stinging her own eyes now, Dandi said, ‘If your mummy said that, then she was wrong, and I can promise you she’ll be feeling very sorry for it now.’

  ‘Bet she’s kept Karen?’

  Dandi knew she was expecting an answer – confirmation or denial that her mother, who supposedly couldn’t cope with her own children right now, was keeping the sister whilst giving her away. The truth would hurt her deeply, but Dandi couldn’t bring herself to lie.

  The hesitant silence was answer enough.

  ‘Go away,’ Sarah said, looking up at her with stark bitterness.

  ‘Sarah, please . . . I just—’

  ‘Go . . . away!’ Gritting her teeth and balling her hands into fists, Sarah got to her feet and stalked proudly to the window.

  Rising slowly, Dandi gazed at the child’s rigid back and wished with all her heart that she could take her in her arms and magic the hurt away. But she knew that it wouldn’t help. Not yet. The pain was too raw.

  ‘I’ll be in the office if you need me,’ she said, going to the door. ‘Any time, Sarah. I’m always around somewhere.’

  Sarah’s proud resolve crumbled when the door clicked shut. Climbing into the bed, she clutched the bag to her stomach and rocked to and fro, keening, as if she were a mother and the bag a cherished baby discovered dead in its cot.

  By nine, a fierce storm was flexing its muscles. Lightning snaked down from the sky, and rumbling thunderclaps challenged the soundproofed double glazing to the hilt.

  Concerned that Sarah might be scared, Dandi crept into the little girl’s room to close the curtains and turn on the lamp. Sarah was still huddled beneath the quilt, just as she had been every other time Dandi had checked on her throughout the day. Hoping that the silence meant the child had finally stopped crying, Dandi gingerly raised the edge of the quilt to check. Sarah was asleep. Thanking the Lord, Dandi gently eased the bag from the girl’s arms, covered her over, and quietly crept out.