Carrying Hope

by Tate, Sennah

  “I hated my life when I was all on my own,” Marcie looked past me, out the window. She seemed to have trouble making eye contact because every time she did she looked away quickly.

  “Well, I’m not really on my own. I have Clara and Francis… and Tanner of course.”

  “That’s true,” she agreed.

  “And now, you.”

  That made her lock eyes with me.

  “Me?”

  “Well, you have lived in my house for two weeks, Marcie. I think it’s safe to include you.”

  She looked down at her lap, a frown etched into her features.

  “For how long?”

  “What?”

  “How long are you going to want me around before you decide to toss me aside?” She clasped her gloved hands tightly and refused to look away from her lap.

  “Why would you ever think that I would do that?”

  “Why wouldn’t you? Everyone else always has,” she muttered, still not looking at me.

  I sighed, trying to rein in my temper. I was so angry at all of the people that had hurt this beautiful woman. I wanted to hurt each and every one of them in return.

  “I’m so sorry, Marcie. I know I’ve been a terrible host. I’m going to make it up to you. Tomorrow we’ll do anything you want. We can go anywhere in the world.” I reached out for her hand, squeezing it in my own. This woman — this crazy, amazing woman with a heart of gold — was well on her way to having an iron grip around my heart. The thought of losing Marcie was enough to drive me mad if I dwelled on it. In such a short amount of time she’d become integral to my life and I wasn’t going to let her go anytime soon.

  “Anything?” she asked, her eyes shimmering with hope that she didn’t dare latch onto.

  “Absolutely anything. You name it. Disney World, the Taj Mahal, the Great Barrier Reef, Machu Picchu, whatever you want.”

  “Oh, I don’t want to do anything like that. But there is this one thing…”

  “Name it.”

  “I’d like to visit my Nana.”

  “Oh? I was under the impression that you didn’t have any family.” When we first met, she said she didn’t have anyone to stay with. I didn’t think that she purposely omitted her grandmother so that I would offer her shelter, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

  “Well, she’s sick. She’s in a nursing home upstate and I haven’t seen her in a few years.”

  “I see. Well, if that’s what you want to do, then we’ll do it.”

  “She’ll really like you,” Marcie said with a big grin.

  “I’m sure I’ll like her too,” I replied.

  “Oh, definitely. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” I could see something flicker behind her eyes and I wanted to know what troubled her. I couldn’t fix it if I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stand to see Marcie suffering; I thought I would be able to fix anything if I threw enough money at it, but I couldn’t make a sick woman well again.

  “I look forward to meeting her.”

  “I can’t believe you’re really going to take me to see her!” She exclaimed, squeezing my hand excitedly.

  “I would do anything to make you happy, Marcie.” Color tinted her cheeks again and the car slowed to a stop.

  “I think we’re here,” I said.

  “Are you sure I won’t embarrass you?” She asked with a frown.

  “Impossible. If anyone laughs at you I’ll have them kicked out.”

  She giggled: a lilting musical sound that I would never tire of.

  “You can’t do that!” She exclaimed, smacking my knee playfully.

  “Wanna bet?” I challenged with a smirk.

  She rewarded my playfulness with a heart-melting smile. I wondered if Marcie had ever had anyone take care of her or do anything nice for her. From her typical reactions, I would have to guess that she was completely unused to acts of kindness. It made me sad that someone with such a pure and loving heart could be treated so despicably by so many people that she trusted.

  Walking into the restaurant with Marcie on my arm made me feel like the richest man in the world and money had nothing to do with it.

  Chapter 17

  Bryce led me into the restaurant and I instantly felt like I didn’t belong. Everywhere I looked there were wealthy beautiful people, poised and elegant. I felt awkward and out of place. Despite my uneasiness, I was so excited for what I hoped would be a wonderful evening spent with Bryce. The host took us to our table; it was secluded from the rest of the dining room, giving our table much more privacy than I’d expected.

  “I hope everything is to your liking, Mr. Dorian?”

  “Yes, thank you,” he replied.

  The host withdrew my chair from the table for me and I sat down awkwardly, unsure of how to handle the situation.

  “You did this?” I asked, gesturing to the empty tables around us.

  “I would have rented the whole place out, but I thought you might frown upon that.” His smirk made it impossible to be annoyed with him. He knew I didn’t like these lavish displays, but who was I to tell him how to spend his money?

  “I hope you haven’t been too bored in the past couple of weeks?” He asked, a hint of regret shading his eyes.

  “I’ve tried to keep busy,” I replied.

  Truth be told, I wanted to resent him for ignoring me and leaving me to fend for myself. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Everything I knew about Bryce told me that he had to have some reason for his actions. He wasn’t a cruel man; he wasn’t a man that liked to play games. Maybe I just had bad timing and came into his life at a time when he was preoccupied with too many other things. Or maybe I was blowing our connection way out of proportion and his feelings for me weren’t as strong as the pull I felt.

  I didn’t want to admit how much I admired him. How much I adored his generous nature or how much I wanted to know everything about him. I didn’t want to acknowledge how often I caught myself thinking about him or how frequently his gorgeous body worked its way into my dreams. Maybe this is what a rebound was like. I never really had time to get over Kevin before Bryce waltzed into my life. But really, what was there to get over? I knew now what kind of man Kevin was and I knew that I deserved better. I deserved someone who would respect me, love me, and want to be with only me. I deserved a man who was willing to commit to me and wasn’t afraid of showing his feelings. I didn’t know if Bryce was that man. I didn’t even know if I was ready for that man. I was just taking Clara’s advice and letting life take its course.

  After so many years of fighting against the current and taking two steps backwards for every one step forward, I was so exhausted of fighting a losing battle. If there was some kind of grand cosmic scheme, I was just going to let it play out. I tried for long enough to carve out the life I wanted and at every turn I was defeated. It was time to accept that I couldn’t control the course of my life any more than I could make the sky green. Of course, I still had ideas of how I wanted my life to turn out, but I believed now that things would work out for the best, even if they didn’t work out the way I envisioned. It was all about having hope.

  Hope wasn’t really something that I had a lot of in my short life. One bad thing tended to pile onto another until there was a staggeringly tall tower of awful things built up. I fought to keep the tower from crumbling. I fought for so long. I should have known that I couldn’t keep it up forever. When the whole thing toppled over, I was lost, distraught, and hopeless. I never expected to meet someone as amazing as Bryce that night. I never could have planned for a man like this. I never would have though that he could be interested in me. The idea still did funny things to my body; my senses were always alive and awake around him. His mere presence was enough to make me hyper-aware of everything about him from his body language to his tantalizing aroma.

  “Ah, yes, I wanted to thank you for all of the hard work you’ve been putting into the garden,” he said, bringing me back to the present.

&nb
sp; I felt my eyes widen of their own accord.

  “Y-you noticed that?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious. There were a million other things I could have found to do with my time. Realistically, I should still be looking for a new job, but I’d long ago given up that search. I still didn’t know what I planned to do when Bryce finally tired of me, but I would figure something out. I always did.

  “Of course. I have a perfect view of the garden from my office window. I see you working out there every day.”

  My cheeks heated at the intensity in his voice. He didn’t say it, but I got the feeling that he didn’t just see me; he watched me. I didn’t know how I felt about him observing me without my knowledge. Part of me felt a little exposed, but did I really have any expectation of privacy when I was outside in the open in his house? Maybe it was a little ridiculous for me to get flustered about his revelation.

  “My Nana used to let me help her in the garden. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed and that poor garden deserved some TLC.”

  He chuckled, nodding.

  “You’re right. It was a pretty sorry excuse for a garden. I had a gardener once; he helped with the vineyards too. Then I realized one day that he was helping himself to a couple of cases of wine out of every batch.”

  “You’re kidding!” I said, shocked that someone would do that.

  “I wish I was. I guess he thought I wouldn’t notice. I might not have noticed if I didn’t find a case of my own wine at an auction. It took me a while to figure out how it all went down, but he was… very apologetic, when I found him.”

  I knew that tone. I knew those euphemisms. Bryce didn’t know how familiar I was with the world of retaliation and enforcers. I’d seen far too many men beaten to a pulp over their debts and I’d seen brief glimpses of Bryce’s temper. I didn’t want to put two and two together, but it was impossible not to.

  Our waiter saved me from having to respond by telling us about the specials and recommended wines. I obviously wasn’t going to have anything to drink. Bryce also rejected the wine in favor of a sparkling water.

  “If you’d like, I could order for you,” he offered.

  “I would appreciate that. I didn’t know what any of those things he named were,” I admitted with a blush.

  “That’s okay. They purposefully give everything an unnecessarily obtuse name to make it more pretentious. Most people that are paying this much for a meal are only doing it for appearances so they like to stroke their egos with the menu choices.”

  “So I take it you’re not one of those people that comes here for appearances?”

  “Not exactly. I brought you here because I thought you deserved to know what it feels like to be treated like royalty.”

  My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. How did he always do this to me? He took a perfectly ordinary conversation and in with one thing he made it the most intimate exchange. The subtle changes in his tone, his expression, and his body language all made my blood run hot. Surely he knew the effect he had on me. Surely he was just toying with me like a tom cat with a helpless mouse. I couldn’t imagine a world in which he didn’t know how desperate I was to kiss him again.

  “That’s very… kind,” I replied lamely. I didn’t have the words to express how much I appreciated his consideration and generosity. I felt like a broken record for thanking him so often.

  He held my hand in his and stroked his thumb across the back of my hand. Each pass of the rough pad of his finger sent heat to my core. How could such a simple touch send my hormones into overdrive?

  “I told you; I would do anything to make you happy, Marcie.”

  I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t look away from my gleaming silverware. If I looked at him all of my resolve would fade away. I would confess all of my misguided feelings. I just couldn’t make myself that vulnerable. This man was so wishy-washy about his interest in me that revealing my desire for him would only be a huge mistake that I would regret.

  “You’ve done a very good job so far,” I finally said, hoping that it was noncommittal enough to be safe. I hated having to hide my feelings, but it was for the best. One heartbreak was enough for me. I didn’t need to add another to the mix when I had enough on my plate with the baby.

  After Bryce ordered our meal, he continued the conversation.

  “So, what have you been planting?”

  “How do you know it’s not a surprise?” I teased.

  “Am I going to wake up one day with a garden full of venus fly traps or something?” He joked back.

  I snickered, rolling my eyes at him.

  “No, silly. I planted my favorite flowers; it’s too bad I won’t be able to see them all in bloom.”

  He looked confused.

  “Why won’t you?”

  “Well, because they won’t bloom until Spring…” I frowned, not really wanting to start the conversation about my exit date again.

  “So? What’s your point? I know how seasons work.” He sipped his water casually like we were talking about something as mundane as the day of the week, not my future.

  “Well… I didn’t really expect you’d let me stick around that long. I mean, I’ll have the baby by then and everything.”

  “Do you think that I’ll just kick you and your child to the curb?”

  “No, I didn’t mean it like that… But this was never meant to be a permanent arrangement, right?” I frowned, still trying to figure out the way this man’s mind worked. He was as much a mystery to me now as he was when I first met him. Every time I thought I had him figured out he did something to throw me off again.

  “I see. I wasn’t aware you felt that way,” he responded coolly.

  “That’s not to say I don’t want to stay,” I added hastily, “I was just trying to be realistic. But anyway, let’s not talk about this tonight. I’m sorry I brought it up.” I must have said something right, because his expression softened and he nodded.

  He lifted his glass to me for a toast.

  “Here’s to an uncertain future,” he quipped with a grin.

  “And not being afraid of it,” I added, clinking my glass with his.

  Chapter 18

  I expected Marcie to be charming, gracious, and humble; she did not disappoint. If anything, she was even more than I ever could have expected. If the purpose of this date was to convince me that I was putting Marcie on an undeserved pedestal, the date was an utter failure. Every moment I spent with her only convinced me that she was even better than I’d told myself. She was funny, enthusiastic, and so self-less that it blew my mind.

  She had plenty of opportunities to take advantage of me or my money and at every chance she turned the other way and did something surprising and supportive. I felt her grip on my heart tightening as the night wore on. She wasn’t even aware of the effect she had on me. I wanted to tell her, but she still seemed wary of me. Though I was convinced that I needed Marcie in my life, I’d yet to convince her that she needed me.

  After dinner and dessert, we rode home in comfortable silence. Just being near her made my brain sluggish. Being under the same roof as her and unable to do anything about it was torture. I walked her to her room, wishing I could take her to mine instead.

  “Thank you for the most amazing evening,” she said, looking down at her hands.

  “You’re quite welcome. Thank you for giving me the gift of your company.”

  Her cheeks turned a delightful shade of pink and she lifted her eyes, looking at me through heavy lashes.

  I wanted to kiss her, but I knew a taste wouldn’t be enough. I would never have enough of her. If I started something, I’d never be able to stop myself. I didn’t know what Marcie wanted or what she was ready for, so it was for the best to just keep my lips to myself. No matter how tantalizing she looked as she nibbled her bottom lip nervously.

  “Good night, Marcie,” I finally said, letting her know that I wasn’t going to take this any further at the moment.

  She lo
oked disappointed; it was bittersweet. I didn’t want to ever disappoint Marcie, but I couldn’t help but be a little excited that she was upset about not getting a kiss. There was still hope for me, after all.

  “Good night, Bryce,” she muttered, closing her door behind her.

  I holed myself up in my office for the rest of the night, trying to focus on the search for my father instead of how amazing Marcie looked in that dress. I tried to think about making connections between my mother and various politicians, not Marcie’s wide innocent eyes and plump pink lips. My eyes crossed as I pored over the documents in front of me; instead of the bold black lines on the redacted memo, images of Marcie beneath me squirming in pleasure, came to my mind unbidden.

  “Jesus,” I groaned, rubbing my face trying to clear my thoughts.

  My phone beeped with a text message; it was Tanner, of course.

  How’d it go?

  Terrible. I want her more than ever.

  It was hard for me to admit that to Tanner. I knew he wouldn’t approve.

  Well, shit.

  I laughed, shaking my head. At least no one could say that I didn’t know my best friend.

  I’m spending the day with her tomorrow.

  You need to get laid. That would make you feel better.

  I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Tanner to make everything about sex.

  I desperately wanted to take Marcie to my bed. I dreamed about it so often that sometimes I woke up surprised that it didn’t actually happen. The images my mind created were so vivid that I’d woken up hard and wanting her on more than one occasion. But she had to come to me. I couldn’t push myself on her. She had no way to really refuse me if I did and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.

  I feel fine.

  Uh-huh. Suuuuure.

  I stuffed my phone into a desk drawer, not wanting to deal with his taunting right now. I had enough on my mind without having to dodge Tanner. I would get all of this figured out eventually. For right now, I just wanted to concentrate on something that wasn’t the tempting woman down the hall. If I kept thinking about her I would end up at her door.