Carrying Hope

by Tate, Sennah

For the first few days back on my own, I watched and waited at the windows, expecting Bryce to come and rescue me from this nightmare. I thought he would come and tell me that what I heard was wrong, that he really did love me and wanted to be with me, but he never showed up.

  Every once in a while I looked at my phone and considered texting Tanner just to find out how he was doing. If Bryce didn’t want to talk to me, that was one thing, but I couldn’t help but wonder about him and worry about his well-being. I did love him after all. I tried not to. I tried to forget about his hot passionate kisses and his magical fingers. I tried not to think about the way his caress could send shivers down my spine or how the mere sound of his voice could turn me into a puddle. There was no use indulging in those thoughts; nothing was ever going to come of it. I was surer of that now than ever.

  In a month and a half, he’d never come looking for me. Surely with all the resources at his disposal, it wouldn’t be too difficult to find one young woman. It wasn’t like I was even trying to hide.

  It was time for me to let go of Bryce and move on with my life. In a few weeks, I would have my baby. I still didn’t know if I was having a boy or a girl, but my last check-up assured me that everyone was healthy and well. I couldn’t wait to meet my little bundle of joy. If there was one bright spot in all of the events of the past few months, it was definitely her. Or him.

  I busied myself with laundry. I still did all of the housework for Kevin and me. I wondered who took care of the place for the months I was gone. I no longer cared if I found random lingerie in his laundry basket. He wasn’t mine and I didn’t want him at all. My phone rang and the caller ID displayed an unknown number. My heart leapt a little. Was it possible that this was something related to Bryce? Did he want to reconcile? Did Tanner want me to talk some sense into him? Was Clara calling to tell me she missed me?

  I answered the call, trying to tamp down my irrational excitement. It could just as easily be a bill collector or a wrong number.

  “Hello?”

  “Yes, may I please speak to a Miss Marcia Gallagher?”

  And just like that, in an instant, my stomach dropped. There was only one time that strangers called and used my full name. Something bad had happened and there was only one person I could think of that this would be about: Nana.

  “Yes, this is she,” I responded, my hands shaking as I made my way to the couch. I had a feeling I was going to need to be sitting down for this.

  “Hello, Miss Gallagher, I’m calling on behalf of your grandmother.”

  Oh god, please no. Not Nana, not now. I couldn’t bear it if something were to happen to her.

  “Y-yes,” I stammered, “is everything all right?”

  “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to worry you. Your grandmother is doing all right, but her condition is deteriorating. She has expressed that she would really like to see you, so we’re just calling to let you know and see if a visit could be arranged.”

  This was strange. In all the years that Nana had been in the nursing home, they’d never once called me and asked me to visit. Was her condition worse than they were letting on? I didn’t think I could handle any more heartbreak in one year. I’d had enough to last me for quite a while.

  “Okay, thank you for telling me. I’ll find a way to get up there.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. And Miss?”

  “Yes?”

  “The sooner the better.”

  My throat constricted and tears gathered in my eyes. I always knew that this phone call was coming; I just wished that it was happening in another ten years.

  Regardless, I couldn’t change the fact that my Nana was sick. All I could do was go see her and make the most of the time that we had left.

  I didn’t bother writing Kevin a note. He probably wouldn’t even notice that I was gone. He lured me back into his house with claims that he wanted to be a father, but I think all that he really wanted was a live-in maid. Every time I tried to bring up anything about the baby he asked if we could talk about it later. He didn’t want to go to my doctor’s appointments with me, he didn’t go shopping for cribs or clothes with me, he wouldn’t give me any feedback on names… he hadn’t changed at all.

  And that was okay. I knew what to expect from him now and that allowed me to prepare myself. I didn’t think it would take my child long to realize what kind of man their father was and come to the same conclusions that I had about him, so there was no use in harboring any resentment toward him.

  I called Bernie, the cook from the diner and begged him to let me borrow his car. Once I explained the reason, he couldn’t say no. We weren’t close friends, but we’d known each other long enough that he knew he could trust me with his “baby”.

  I had plenty of time to think on the hours-long trek upstate. That wasn’t really a good thing. I didn’t have anything that I particularly wanted to think about. The last time I’d made this road trip, my life was in a completely different place. Now everything had changed again, but this time it wasn’t for the better.

  I didn’t want Nana to worry about me. I knew she would see straight through me and ask what was wrong. I knew she would be able to figure out that Bryce was the cause of my distress. But I was so much more worried about her; I couldn’t waste energy worrying about my own life. I still had hope that things would work out. I still believed what Clara said about everything being for the best in the end. She’d never been wrong about anything else, so I had to believe that she was right about this, too.

  Maybe Bryce wasn’t the right one for me. For years, I thought Kevin was right for me and that seemed laughable to me now. Maybe in another few years I would look back on my brief fling with Bryce and feel the same way.

  I didn’t think so though. Something about Bryce was different. Something about the way were were together, how intense my feelings were when I was with him, it convinced me that what we had was different. Too bad I was the only one convinced. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and if I learned anything from my relationship with Kevin, it was that I deserved to have a partner that would put in as much effort as I did.

  Thoughts of my Nana made me feel much more emotional about everything. I’d already lost so much in my life, I didn’t want to lose her, too.

  Finally, I pulled up to the nursing home and tried to shake off the memories of my last visit here with Bryce. Why couldn’t I keep him out of my head?

  After signing in at the front desk, I was surprised to hear that Nana’s room had been moved. A bolt of panic struck me; what did that mean? I was directed down a series of hallways to her room. This portion of the facility was much nicer and cleaner. The nurses all had smiles on their face and a few of them asked me if I needed help with anything. I felt like I’d stepped into another world. This couldn’t possibly be the same decaying hell-hole that we visited last time.

  “Nana?” I knocked, entering her room. She was, as usual, sitting by her window, reading. This room was decorated with photos and gifts. There were fresh flowers on her nightstand and everything was in its proper place. If I didn’t know any better, I would actually think that she’d improved.

  “Marcia! You came to visit me!” She exclaimed happily, standing from her chair to give me a hug.

  “Oh my goodness, look at you!”

  I laughed and blushed, “Yeah, I didn’t get a chance to tell you last time I was here.”

  She rested a bony hand on my distended belly and we were both treated to a little kick from the baby.

  She looked up at me with watery eyes and hugged me fiercely again.

  “I’m so glad you’re here, honey. When are you and your fella going to get married?”

  That was Nana; no beating around the bush, just straight to the point.

  “Kevin? We’re not going to. We’re better off just being friends, I think.”

  “No, no, no. Not him. The other one. The one you brought with you last time, Bryan? Bruce, was it?”

  I bit my lip and fidget
ed awkwardly.

  “Bryce,” I mumbled, not wanting the conversation to linger on him.

  “That’s it. He sure was a fine piece of—”

  “Nana!” I cried, not believing that she was capable of saying something like that.

  She grinned at me and patted me on the arm.

  “I’m senile dear, not blind. Come sit and talk to me,” she gestured to the chair opposite hers.

  “This room is really nice. You have a lot more space in here,” I remarked.

  “Yes, and the nurses are much nicer, too.”

  “I’m glad to hear it.”

  “So, what happened between you and Bryce?”

  I explained most of everything, omitting some of the more explicit details. Then I told her what I’d heard and how I chose to just leave rather than face the music.

  “Marcia, I’m disappointed in you,” she said sternly.

  I suddenly felt like a child again, being reprimanded for doing something naughty. I hung my head and turned my eyes to my fingernails, not wanting to make eye contact with my grandmother. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.

  “You, of all people, should know that you never just walk away from those that you love.”

  She was right; of course she was right. After my mother walked out of my life, I swore that I would never do that to someone I cared about. When Bryce left without a word to find his father, I was so angry at him. What made me think that it was okay for me to do? I was a hypocrite and I hated to admit it.

  “What can I do though? He doesn’t want to be with me. He made that pretty clear.”

  “Did he? You overheard a conversation that may or may not have been what you thought it was. You didn’t stick around to hear his side of the story, so how could he make himself clear?”

  Over-sized tears gathered in my eyes and dribbled down my face.

  “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Nana. I’m so confused.”

  Her frail hand patted mine reassuringly.

  “The only thing that can keep love alive is communication. Without that, you have nothing.”

  “I think it’s too late. It’s been over a month, I’m sure he’s moved on by now.”

  She gave me a knowing smile and I wondered at the meaning behind it.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure of that just yet, dear.”

  A fresh-faced nurse entered the room, wearing scrubs covered in kittens and a 1000-watt smile.

  “Agnes! It’s time for your medicine,” she called cheerfully.

  “Oh! You have a new guest! How nice.”

  My grandmother introduced me to the nurse. As soon as she heard my name her eyes grew wide and a look of sudden comprehension crossed her face.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Marcie. I’ve heard so much about you,” she gushed, shaking my hand.

  I nodded and smiled, still a little confused about what was happening.

  “Am I missing something?” I asked my grandmother, looking for clues.

  She smirked, but didn’t say anything as she swallowed the cup of pills the nurse gave her.

  “Nana, why were you moved to this room?” I asked, a niggling suspicion growing in the back of my mind.

  The nurse chimed in eagerly.

  “Mr. Dorian paid for Agnes to be relocated to a private room. He’s also staffed three of us private nurses so that we’re always available to her.”

  My grandmother’s cheeks flushed subtly and I turned my accusing glare to her.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She shrugged.

  “You didn’t ask. He’s a wonderful young man, sweetheart. He visits me every week.”

  My heart raced in my chest. My palms were clammy and trembling. My head spun with the possibilities. Could I afford to get my hopes up again?

  I looked to the nurse for confirmation and she nodded.

  “So… you’re not really doing worse?”

  “No, of course not! I’m better than ever with all these fancy treatments your fella is paying for. We just told you that to get you here.”

  The whole planet seemed to tilt on its axis. Everything I thought I knew… Everything was changed now.

  “I… I have to go. I’m so sorry, Nana, but I have to go see him.”

  The old woman smiled at me and nodded knowingly.

  “Of course you do. Go get your man, honey.”

  I gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek as tears streamed down my face.

  It wasn’t over!

  Chapter 28

  “You have to leave this fucking room,” Tanner grunted as he tried to pull me out of bed.

  I didn’t budge.

  Ever since I talked to Marcie’s ex, or I guess now they were together, I’d been a recluse. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I made weekly trips to see Marcie’s grandmother, but that was the extent of my socialization. My room was a disaster area. After I came home that day, I’d destroyed anything and everything in sight. I ripped pictures off of the walls, threw furniture, broke mirrors, you name it. I couldn’t stand to see anything around me remain whole when I was so completely and utterly broken.

  I was sure that the rest of the house had been put back into order. Clara didn’t dare come into my room though. I didn’t think she was frightened of me, but she knew better than to come near me when I was in a mood like this.

  “Bryce fucking Dorian, get your sorry ass out of the fucking bed. I’m sick of you wallowing in your own pity. It’s time to grow up. Everyone gets their heart broken.”

  I thought about punching him. He was being an ass and probably deserved it. I just couldn’t manage to care enough to muster the energy.

  “Just leave me alone, Tanner.”

  “You know I’m not going to do that. I wouldn’t do it when we were thirteen and I’m not going to do it now.”

  My jaw tensed at his mention of our childhood. When Tanner and I met, I was in a bad place. My mother had just died, I was on my own for the first time, and I had no idea how to fend for myself. If it wasn’t for Tanner showing me the ropes and pulling me out of a few scrapes, who knows what would have happened to me.

  He tugged on my arm again, grunting with the exertion.

  “You’re being fucking ridiculous. Laying in bed all day isn’t going to make her magically appear.”

  Just to prove him wrong, the doorbell rang.

  We looked at each other and then looked to my door, both of us surprised by the visitor. People didn’t visit me unsolicited. I lived far enough away from any major roads that they didn’t happen upon my house by accident and I didn’t have any family or friends that would pop in other than the people already in the house.

  I shot up in bed, my mind frantically telling me that I needed to answer the door, to find out who was on the other side. It couldn’t possibly be her, could it? After all of this time? I knew better than to hope. Hope is what had gotten me into this sad place to begin with.

  A few minutes of Tanner struggling with me later and Francis entered my room with a hesitant knock.

  “Mr. Dorian? There’s someone here to see you.”

  “I don’t care,” I grumbled, annoyed that everyone was piling into my room when all I wanted was to be alone.

  Okay, so that wasn’t all I wanted. But I couldn’t have what I really wanted.

  Francis looked fidgety, something that was not characteristic of him at all.

  “What aren’t you telling me?” I glowered, hoping that I hadn’t lost my fearsome touch in all of my time being depressed.

  “I think you’ll want to see them,” he replied, barely suppressing a grin.

  Before either one of them could say anything else, I flew out of my room and down the stairs with no regard for my scruffy beard, sweatpants or lack of shirt. It couldn’t be; it just couldn’t. What could have brought her to me now, after so long?

  I opened the door and there she was, patiently waiting on the other side. My heart wanted to l
eap from my chest to join hers. My arms twitched, wanting to encircle her and never let go.

  She raised her eyebrows, surprised to see me.

  “Oh! I wasn’t expecting you to answer the door,” she said timidly. God how I missed those big beautiful cinnamon-colored eyes. How I longed for those luscious lips. How I craved those haunting curves. I’d had so many dreams about her that I just couldn’t believe she was really there, standing at my front door.

  My hand reached out and cupped her face. I had to touch her, to know that she was real. I didn’t know why she was here. For all I knew, she wasn’t here to tell me she missed me, she could be here to tell me she was getting married or to pick up her remaining things. I couldn’t let my mind — or my heart — run wild just yet.

  “Marcie,” I whispered, tears springing to my eyes unbidden. I wasn’t going to let them drop. I couldn’t show her any more of my vulnerability until I knew where she stood.

  She nuzzled her face into my palm, sighing contentedly. It was promising, but not enough evidence for me to pour out my soul.

  “I went to visit my grandmother. You didn’t have to do all of that for her, you know.”

  My hand dropped; so that was it. She wanted to tell me to butt out of her Nana’s life. The one tiny part of Marcie that I still had and she wanted me to let it go. I didn’t know if I would be able to.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it without consulting you, but I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me. I just couldn’t stand to see her in those conditions anymore.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m just confused; I thought you didn’t want me… why would you help my Nana?”

  Shock rippled through me; she thought that I didn’t want her? What would have made her think that?

  “What are you talking about, Marcie? I never stopped wanting you. I will never stop wanting you.” It hurt me to say those words when I knew she didn’t return my feelings. Nevertheless, I couldn’t let anything remain unspoken between us. If this was the last time Marcie and I spoke to each other, I was going to lay everything on the table.

  Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears as she looked up to me through her watery gaze.