Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  “Were you two expecting someone?” I asked.

  Both men looked alert.

  “No,” Lucian said. “Get behind me.”

  “Why? What does that mean?”

  All the light-hearted carelessness of a moment ago evaporated in an instant. Alaric and Lucian looked like dogs with their hackles raised, and my stomach was suddenly ice cold.

  “Get her to the trees, I’ll provide a distraction,” Alaric said.

  “Why do you guys look worried? I thought the guns were just an annoyance? If those are bad guys, what are they going to do?”

  Lucian ignored my question, picking me up with such a lack of effort that I felt my breath catch. He scooped me up like I was a child and started hauling his beautifully crafted vampire ass toward the trees with me in tow.

  “What are we going to do? Is he going to be okay?” I asked, bouncing wildly in his arms.

  “Most likely,” Lucian said. “I heal quickly. Alaric runs quickly.”

  “Faster than a truck?”

  “No,” he said.

  I chewed my lip, watching as Alaric gave the weapon in his hand a few angry bangs on the nearest rock. I wanted to scream some advice to him, like to maybe stop smashing the guns against rocks like a caveman, but we were already too far away for him to hear me clearly.

  Alaric straightened and tucked the gun behind his back when the truck stopped in front of him.

  I saw Bennigan get out of the truck with the two women from before. Bennigan approached Alaric and yelled some things I couldn’t hear. Alaric spoke back, then he hurled the gun at full speed toward Bennigan’s head. The man dodged with supernatural speed, and then Alaric was running toward us.

  It all happened so fast I didn’t even see the three rival vampires pull out weapons and start firing.

  Alaric was fast.

  It felt like my eyes were playing tricks with how fast he was eating up the distance between us. Clumps of grass were flying away from his feet with every step and his legs were practically a blur.

  I flinched down when I felt something zip through the air near me.

  Holy shit. That was a bullet.

  My heart couldn’t beat any faster if it tried. I was going to die. I was going to get shot in the head by a vampire.

  We reached the trees and Lucian started weaving between them, holding me tight. Bark exploded from a tree near us, showering me with splinters. I could hear the truck engine in the distance and the constant peppering thud of gunshots. The worst sound was the whistle when the bullets were close.

  All I could do was curl up and make myself as small as I could. Every second, I felt like I was about to feel the thud of a bullet punching through me, but the impact never came.

  It felt like an eternity until the shooting slowed and nearly stopped.

  “They have horrible aim,” I said once I thought we were deep enough into the trees to be relatively safe.

  Alaric appeared at our side, easily keeping pace with Lucian, who was ducking and weaving through the undergrowth in the thickening forest. “Give me that gun,” he said.

  “Why? So you can hurl it at Bennigan’s head?” Lucian asked. His voice didn’t even sound strained despite the fact that he was probably running faster than an Olympic athlete at the moment.

  “Give me the gun,” I said.

  Both men hesitated, then Alaric shrugged.

  “You’ll be careful?” Lucian asked.

  “More careful than you two.”

  He handed it to me, and I fiddled with it for a few moments, calling up every relevant scene in a movie I could think of. Eventually, I figured out how to pull the top part of the gun back until it made a clicking sound. I aimed behind us at a random tree and pulled the trigger, then realized the safety was on. The next time I tried, the weapon practically jumped out of my hand as it fired.

  “Got it,” I said.

  “Go see if they’re still following,” Lucian told Alaric.

  Alaric nodded, planted a foot that skidded in the dead leaves, then rushed back toward the way we’d come from.

  “Are you hurt?” Lucian asked.

  The rational thing to do would’ve been shut up and take the craziness unfolding as deadly serious as I probably should’ve. Instead, I felt hopped up on adrenaline and nerves, which apparently just made me sassy instead of quiet. “Am I detecting concern?”

  Lucian’s grin was wildly hot. “You really are quite the woman, aren’t you?”

  “I think it depends who you ask.”

  Alaric caught back up with us a short while later. “I think we’re good. They were heading back to the truck, and there’s no way it’s getting through these trees.”

  Lucian slowed his mad sprint through the woods and eased me down. He scrutinized me for apparent damage, running his hands up and down my legs and my arms.

  I grinned. “I think I’d know if I was shot.”

  “You would be surprised what adrenaline can do to inhibit pain,” he muttered, still surveying me.

  “You’re sure this isn’t just an excuse to put your hands all over me?”

  Lucian seemed to realize that he was currently pressing his fingertips against the bottom of my butt cheek as he searched for bullet holes. He straightened, flashing a slightly guilty smile. “You appear intact. Though I would prefer to do a more thorough search.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “I bet you would.”

  Alaric cleared his throat. “Not to be the bearer of unfun news, but I should mention the bond tends to amplify under the effects of adrenaline. You two may want to be careful, assuming your plan is still to avoid fucking, that is.”

  I took a half step back from Lucian, which prompted the ever-present throb in my chest to urge me back toward him. “Wonderful,” I said. “As if this wasn’t hard enough already.”

  Lucian’s eyes didn’t leave mine. “Yes. It’s quite hard.”

  I titled my chin to the side. “Is it?”

  Alaric laughed. “Do I need to separate you two?”

  I felt myself snap out of the hormonal haze long enough to catch where my thoughts were going. I may not survive the next few days. I may end up riddled with bullet holes or getting sucked dry in some back alley. Worse, I may even end up giving in to the unrelenting tug of the bond making me want to jump Lucian in all his gorgeous glory.

  But…

  If I survived this, I was absolutely going to crush my thesis paper. I could already imagine the looks of pure hatred and loathing on my professor’s faces when I walked in with a sample of the magic, curative blood. Of course, I’d need to do some fiddling to figure out the sexual side effects, but that was the only thing standing between me and a discovery that could literally change the world.

  Lucian was breathing heavy, even though the breakneck sprint through the forest hadn’t seemed to wind him. He tore his gaze from me and looked to Alaric. “What did Bennigan say to you?”

  “You mean before I threw a pistol at his head?”

  “Yes. Before that.”

  “He said he wanted to ‘tear your little human’s throat out and feed it to his dogs.’”

  “Vampire dogs?” I asked.

  Lucian waved my question away, still looking at Alaric with growing concern. He grimaced. “She’s too vulnerable. We need to convince him that I’ve sealed the bond.”

  “Easy enough. I could send him a phone video of the way you two look at one another. I’m sure he’d be convinced within moments that you’ve been ravenously fucking at every opportunity.”

  I looked away. Rude. Not exactly untrue, but rude.

  Lucian moved closer to me, taking me by the shoulder and waiting for me to look up.

  “We need to convince them that you’re one of us.”

  “You want me to pretend to be a vampire?”

  “Yes,” he said. “More specifically, you need to pretend you’re an Undergrove. My Undergrove.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You’re saying that like it has some kind of magi
cal significance but I’m not sure I follow. Weren’t we already pretending I was your girlfriend?”

  “There is a very big difference between a human plaything and a bonded human who is newly turned.”

  Alaric nodded. “One is hardly worth a raised eyebrow. The other is something of a rarity.”

  “There were so many of you. I’d think you guys were turning people to vampires all the time.”

  Lucian shook his head. “It was already not common before we were locked away. It’s less common now. The power balance has grown so delicate that turning new vampires is seen as an act of aggression. It’s also something that requires a certain degree of strength. There aren’t as many elders as there once were, it seems.”

  “So what makes it a good idea to pretend we’re doing the thing that other vampires see as an act of aggression?”

  “I don’t believe Bennigan was telling the truth to my brother. I also know he is a much better shot than he displayed during our brief chase. He didn’t want to risk shooting you.”

  I felt my stomach clench. “He wanted me alive?”

  “Yes. And if he believes I’ve already turned you, he won’t think he can torment me by doing it first.”

  I swallowed, throat clicking noisily. “You think he wants to… what? Make me drink his blood and then sleep with me?”

  “Possibly. Bennigan’s grudge runs deeply enough that I wouldn’t put it past him. He might even hope to train you to be the one to put me down. There’s really no telling what he intends, but I want to protect you from it. I brought you into this mess, and I’m going to make sure you survive it.”

  Lucian had his hand on my cheek and there was a lingering moment. I thought I could feel some sort of gravity tugging us together that didn’t feel like the bond. He could kiss me, and I would let him. It wouldn’t be because of some silly vampire trick. It’d be because nobody had ever made me feel as important as he did. As safe. Maybe that was a stupid thought, considering he was the whole reason I was in danger.

  Our faces were inching closer, his lips poised to take mine. I wanted it so badly it felt like a physical pain thudding away in my head.

  “Ahem,” Alaric said. “I advise you not to kiss the woman you’re trying to avoid sleeping with.”

  I jumped back from him, feeling like the temporary spell had broken. “You know,” I said, speaking to break the awkwardness of the near kiss. “It’s kind of a convoluted argument, anyway,” I said. “You saved my life, which put me in danger. I’m going to go ahead and absolve you of any guilt from this point forward.”

  “That’s kind,” he said. “But I won’t forgive myself if any harm comes to you. When I saved you, I took you under my protection. I intend to keep you safe, no matter the cost.”

  “Objection,” Alaric said. “I propose that if I am the cost, we sacrifice the human we’ve known for only a few days. No offense,” he said, showing me a straight-toothed smile. He cupped a hand on his cheek and mouthed the words thanks for the phone, though, then winked.

  “As long as she’s bonded to me, nothing is more important,” Lucian said.

  Alaric looked like he was about to argue but seemed to think better of it. “We should probably find a way home before Bennigan decides to get creative.”

  “Agreed,” Lucian said. He took my hand in his and pulled me closer.

  I didn’t know what exactly had changed, beyond the brush with death. But I could feel in the way he’d effortlessly taken my hand that something between Lucian and I had evolved. He really would do anything to keep me safe. Despite some tiny feministic part of me that cried out in defiance and wanted to claim I didn’t need some asshole to protect me, I had to admit his protectiveness made me feel warm, fuzzy, and gooey on the inside.

  I wasn’t developing feelings for a man, let alone a vampire.

  It wasn’t happening.

  And if it was, I hoped my talents of self-denial were powerful enough to pretend it wasn’t.

  19

  Cara

  Ever since Lucian wiped the memory of my roommates, we’d managed to avoid another confrontation. The morning after the gunfight in the woods, we weren’t so lucky.

  Zack was standing in the kitchen when I came down. Of course, I was also trailed by a pale, breathtakingly gorgeous man in a suit. Lucian amusingly went to sleep fully dressed in his suits and ties, but he managed to keep them wrinkle free by some mysterious magic as well.

  I had to admit some of his adherence to vampire clichés was a little bit adorable. I’d even caught him trying to talk to a bat he “mistook for a friend of his.” When I pressed him about whether he could actually turn into a bat, he claimed the whole thing had been a joke.

  “Uh,” Zack said. “Is this your lawyer or something?”

  I was getting used to introducing Lucian to Zack for the first time, over and over again. Maybe this time he’d survive with his memory intact.

  “Yes,” I said. “I keep a lawyer in my bedroom. Just in case.”

  Lucian walked up to Zack. Zack was an inch or two taller than Lucian, but somehow Lucian still seemed like the bigger, more intimidating man. I guessed it was that Zack was thinly muscular and boyish while Lucian was still well over six feet tall and more thickly made. He also had that rough edge of manliness that came with a few hundred years more experience, I guessed.

  They shook hands, and I could see the suspicion on Zack’s face. “How do you know Cara?”

  “Quite well,” Lucian said.

  I wanted to face palm, but the dynamic of the conversation left me standing several feet away and feeling unable to effectively jump in. It was up to Lucian and his total lack of vampire charm to navigate this one.

  “How did you meet her?”

  “She approached me in a cafe.”

  Zack looked past Lucian, who I was already suspecting I was going to want to punch when this was through. Zack’s eyebrows were rising. “Cara approached you? Since when does she care about anything but school and blood?”

  “She told me I took her breath away and she wouldn’t forgive herself if she didn’t at least make introductions. She also mentioned she very much admired my blood,” he added as an afterthought.

  Yep. I was going to punch him. I could see the faintest shadow of a smile threatening to reveal Lucian’s dimple. The bastard was doing this on purpose, and it made me wonder how much of his supposed bumbling and awkwardness was actually just a well-hidden technique to tease and antagonize me.

  “Cara said that?”

  I knew I couldn’t deny anything Lucian was saying without casting more doubt on an already doubtful situation. I swallowed, then nodded my head vigorously when Zack looked my way. “Yes, but—”

  “But,” Lucian said, cutting me off with his deep voice. “She said it had been far too long since she’d known the touch of a man. She wanted to feel alive again. Free,” he added in a mysterious whisper.

  Zack’s eyes went unfocused. He backed up to the counter and idly picked up an apple that looked far too squishy to be edible and took a bite. “That’s, uh. Yeah. That’s pretty wild.”

  “It was great for you two to meet,” I said, taking Lucian’s hand and tugging him toward the door. “We really have to go, though.”

  “The other guys will want to meet him.”

  “Later,” I said. “Gotta get to class though.”

  Once we were outside, I punched Lucian in the shoulder. He smiled openly, letting out a deep, resonant chuckle.

  “What was that?” I demanded.

  “Enjoyable, by my estimation.”

  “For who?”

  “Whom. And I like seeing you worked up. You’re quite the woman, you know.”

  I stood still, but Lucian kept walking with his obnoxious long strides. I had to half jog to catch up. “What kind of person were you before you got turned?”

  “Why do you want to know?”

  “Because I need help understanding you.”

  “It has been a very l
ong time since I was turned. Nobody cares about the man I was anymore. Anyone who knew that man is long dead. Almost everyone,” he added with a twist of his lips.

  “I care who you were.”

  He stared ahead, not speaking for a while. “I don’t make a habit of talking about the time before I was turned.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s better to accept my fate. Dwelling on what I’ve lost only brings pain.”

  I hadn’t considered that. “You didn’t want to be this way? A vampire, I mean.”

  “Would you?”

  “No,” I said, not hesitating. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  He looked down at me, eyes intense. “There’s a cost to this life I can’t put into words, Cara.” Lucian seemed to search inside himself for the right explanation, then simply shook his head. “I wouldn’t wish this on you. The loneliness.”

  “What about other vampires?” I said. “You’re not completely alone. And couldn’t you fall in love with a vampire, or something? Vampires can have kids, right?”

  “I think it would be better if you didn’t ask so many questions.”

  I groaned. “I know you say knowing is dangerous for me. But don’t I already know enough to put myself in danger as it is? I don’t see why you can’t just help me understand exactly what is going on. Maybe I could help if I knew more.”

  Lucian’s jaw flexed. He already looked strained from the minute or two we’d spent in the sunlight. He pulled out the sunglasses I’d got him and put them on, even though I doubted it helped much. “Because every minute we’re together, I’m putting you in danger. Every time I tell you more than you need to know, I’m putting you in danger. If the wrong vampire finds out the things I’ve told you, they will not show mercy. The more you know, the crueler they’ll be.”

  He stopped in the shade of a tree and blew out a breath. “Cara, I’m going to make this as plain for you as I can. It doesn’t matter if I have feelings for you or not beyond the bond. There can never be anything more between us. I won’t turn you, and a mortal is a glaring target to my kind. It’s a weakness others will exploit to hurt me.”