Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  Alaric spread his palms. “I don’t see why we can’t make room for two more.”

  “Will the baby be born a vampire?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Lucian said. “Births between vampires are extremely rare. The result is typically abnormally powerful for its age. But that makes them targets. Typically, older vampires see them as threats and find a way to exterminate them before they grow too strong.”

  “And that will not happen with our child,” Ana said. “I’ll personally see to it.”

  Vlad clapped his hands. “Then it’s settled! Wonderful. And now that my lady is here, I think we can all agree that Vlad could set up a small, modest torture chamber again. Just for the occasional poking, of course.”

  Alaric glared at him. “No torture chambers.”

  “You promised you would let me have a torture chamber if I helped you.”

  He sighed. “If you torture any humans, you will make sure it’s not fatal, they are fully healed, and their memories are wiped before you release them.”

  Vlad held up his palms. “Vlad is a man of the times. Of course. The victims of my torture will never have any idea.”

  “Alaric,” Ana said, snapping her fingers. “You will help me move my things into my room. Come, come.”

  Alaric raised his eyebrow at Lucian, who shrugged, then gestured for him to go along with her.

  I put my chin on Lucian’s shoulder, whispering in his ear. “How hard could it really be for you to put a baby in me?”

  A jolt of excitement and arousal ran through me just to voice the question.

  “Statistically, it could be difficult. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy the challenge.”

  I wiggled my eyebrows at him. “Is it improper for you to put a baby in your vampire lady when you’re not married? Or does the whole mutual biting thing put us in the clear.”

  Lucian chuckled. “If your human sensibilities would be more at ease with a ring on your finger, I would be happy to make arrangements.”

  “No,” she said. “I was never really one to dream about wedding rings and white weddings. Maybe someday. But I kind of like the whole biting thing.”

  “Remember,” he said. “It’s highly unlikely that we’ll be able to get you pregnant. Even after decades of trying.”

  “Then we should probably stop talking and get started,” I said.

  Lucian needed no further encouragement. He stood, then reached his hand out toward me. “Come.”

  “Don’t mind if I do.”

  49

  Epilogue - Lucian

  One Year Later

  I watched Cara lead an elderly woman into our country home outside Savannah, Georgia. The woman had arrived in a taxi and had given the house a firm, suspicious look before agreeing to follow Cara inside.

  Cara was dressed in jeans and a torn t-shirt from some band she’d seen at a show in her youth. She took the woman carefully by the arm and guided her through the house.

  I tried to be discreet, since I wasn’t needed for any of this. But I knew how much today meant to Cara, and I wasn’t going to miss the moment she saw if her prototype treatment worked.

  She had explained the process to me several times in the way she always did when she talked about blood and medical things—breathlessly and so excitable that she often interrupted herself and hardly made sense at all. My understanding was that she’d chosen an obscure, relatively minor disease that caused tremors and some occasional issues with fine motor functions as her first test case. She had gradually worked her way up from animal tests until she found a woman who was willing to try the experimental treatment.

  Of course, I’d had to make a few phone calls and pull some strings—namely providing bribes—to get the appropriate certifications to allow her to do human testing. When submitting the paperwork about her treatment, she claimed the “Lucios,” as she called them, were a lab grown synthetic agent, or something along those lines.

  The woman sat down in what had quickly become a fully-fledged laboratory in the room that was once the ballroom. Beakers of colored fluids were neatly arranged and labeled. Microscopes of varying power were arranged on a long workbench with endless racks of sample slides. I hardly knew what half the things in here did, except that my Cara loved to spend her time in here searching for ways to use our blood to make some sort of miracle cure for humans.

  I took a seat at the edge of the room, trying to be nothing but a fly on the wall. Cara reassured the woman, who sat down and looked around the room with calm, resigned eyes.

  Cara retrieved a small vial from the fridge, explained exactly what was in it to the woman—minus the origin of the Lucios—and had her sign one last release form.

  The woman nodded, then let Cara inject the serum into her arm.

  I watched the elderly woman’s trembling hands for what felt like an eternity. I wanted the shaking to stop for Cara’s sake. I wanted to see the delight I knew I’d find on her face when she saw that her hard work had paid off.

  But eventually, Cara forced a smile and helped the woman to stand. “It’s hard to say if it will work right away. I was hopeful, but it’s possible that your system may take some time to circulate the serum. I will check in with you first thing tomorrow to see how you’re doing, okay?”

  The woman nodded, shuffling her slipper-clad feet as Cara guided her back out of the small lab. She gave me a sad smile as she passed where I sat, but I was glad to see none of the determined fire had left her eyes.

  The following evening, I met Cara at a basketball game where her roommates were playing. I still wasn’t used to being around so many humans, but Cara had helped to get me out of my shell to some extent.

  Mooney seemed to be the only one of her roommates having a good game tonight, but it didn’t look like it would be enough to earn his team the points they’d need to win. Still, Cara was having fun whooping and clapping her hands every time their team did something good.

  I spent most of my time looking around the arena. There must’ve been nearly ten thousand students crammed into the relatively small space. They all cheered and watched the game like it was the most important thing in the world—completely absorbed in the moment.

  I watched them all and was reminded why I cared as much as I did about The Pact. This wasn’t just the world I’d left behind anymore. It was the one Cara had left behind. These people were worth saving, and so long as I was able, I planned to keep doing my part. That meant I’d continue to try to rebuild what was left of The Order and recruit more vampires to my cause. It also meant supporting Cara in her research to help humans fight sickness and disease.

  Unfortunately, it also meant keeping an eye on Vlad.

  He bellowed loudly with a small baby held precariously in one arm. He was decked out in the school’s athletic gear, except for a suede robe with black fur he wore over it all. Behind him, Ana wore a wide brimmed black hat with lace covering her face and an incredibly attention-grabbing dress that might’ve been hand-sewn in biblical times.

  Vlad sipped the beer he held in his free hand, spit it on a student wearing the opposing school’s colors, and nearly got into a fist fight. Fortunately, the human decided he didn’t want to fight someone who was holding a baby like a hand grenade.

  “Vlad,” I said as he sat down beside us. “At least try to act like your baby isn’t almost indestructible. Humans carry their babies like they are made of glass.”

  “A few drops are good for ‘em. Builds character,” Vlad complained.

  “Whether that is the case or not, it would be best if we didn’t try to aggressively demonstrate what we are in crowded places?”

  Vlad sighed, then made a show of coddling the baby. “There? How’s that?”

  “Better. Somewhat.”

  Ana gave Vlad a solid whack on the back of his head, which drew a yelp from him.

  For months, I had viewed their partnership as a sort of strange, loveless but sexual affair. But I’d learned to notice the subtle signs o
f something more, such as the faintest curl of Ana’s lips after she whacked Vlad’s head. In their own, very strange way, the two were in some sort of love, I decided.

  Good for them.

  For the past few months, the house we were all sharing had been emptier with Alaric and Seraphina as busy as they were. Alaric was doing the work I planned to resume when things with Cara were more settled—traveling the country and trying to establish ties with vampires who might be willing to come back to The Order and support the pact.

  Seraphina had been mysteriously aloof and unwilling to commit herself to doing much of anything helpful. I suspected she was involved in something she wasn’t going to admit to me. I knew her well enough to know that pushing for information would’ve only made her withdraw more, so I left it alone.

  Cara’s phone rang. She picked it up, plugging her other ear with her finger and leaning forward to listen closer.

  “Yes,” she said, hand shaking a little. She smiled, then bit her lip, looking at me with wide, excited eyes. “Oh my God. That’s incredible. Would she be able to come in tomorrow so I can get a sample from her blood? Okay. Perfect. Thank you so much.”

  “Good news?” I asked.

  “The woman from last night,” Cara said. “My serum didn’t just fix what I tried to make it fix. It also cured her tremors.”

  I kissed her. “You’re amazing.”

  She kissed me back, but I could see in her eyes that her thoughts were elsewhere. She stared off into nothing for a few seconds before speaking. “I mean, we won’t know if any of these changes are permanent. But looking at her blood could help give me some idea. And there’s still a chance of some unforeseen side effects. So we’ll have to monitor for that.”

  “And I’m sure it’s going to be perfect,” I said, taking her hands and trying to calm her nerves.

  She let out a shuddering breath, then smiled wider and squealed, fists bunched up and shaking as she danced in her seat. “Yes!”

  I laughed. “So, what’s next if this works? Cancer?”

  She kissed me, and this time her thoughts didn’t seem to be elsewhere. “Yes,” she said, lips brushing mine as she spoke. “But if you don’t get a little vampire baby in me soon, I may have to put a brief pause on my research to figure out some fertilization techniques.”

  “There’s nothing I would like more than to continue trying to get you pregnant.”

  “Aww,” Vlad said. “Listen to the little fuck bunnies. He can barely keep his dick in his pants. Remember when we were like that, Ana?”

  “I still can’t get you to keep it in your pants. So, yes. I remember very clearly.”

  Vlad let out a low growling noise, then nipped at her ear. “The beast gets hungry. Even Vlad can’t contain the beast.”

  Cara had her back to the two of them, and she gave me a somewhat frightened but amused look. I smiled back at her, then kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ve been giving some thought to whole human tradition of marriage.”

  “Have you?”

  I nodded. “I’ve decided the more ways I can say you’re mine, the better. And what better way than to mark you as off-limits for all of humanity with a ring?”

  She showed a lopsided smile. “I don’t care about a ring or whether you’ve bitten me or anything else.” Cara searched my face with her wide eyes. “I’m yours. In every way I can be.”

  I pulled the ring out of my jacket pocket and held it up for her to see. “So I should just toss this, or—”

  She snatched it from me, sliding it on her finger with a wink. “I guess a little tradition wouldn’t hurt.”

  -The End

  Sign up for my VIP list to get a bonus scene with Lucian and Cara as well as a free book instantly! Tap here>>

  Want more books like this? I haven’t written any more paranormal rom coms (yet!), but all my rom coms have the same type of humor and feel to them. A great place to jump in is with… Well, this is always kind of awkward to type out. But you should read my very first rom com, His Banana!

  My new boss likes rules, but there's one nobody dares to break...

  No touching his banana.

  Seriously. The guy is like a potassium addict.

  Of course, I touched it.

  If you want to get technical, I actually put it in my mouth.

  I chewed it up, too... I even swallowed.

  I know. Bad, bad, girl.

  Then I saw him, and believe it or not, choking on a guy's banana does not make the best first impression. Tap Here To Read His Banana>>