NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  Wade scowled over at his partner before taking another bite of the burger.

  “Course, I seen you with that girl, Nikki Kline, once or twice. She don’t talk too many guys, so I guess you must be doing something right. I’m surprised her brothers ain’t scared you off. I tried to get her to go out with me a couple of times, but any time I talked to her, those two show up and they got trouble written all over their faces. I heard they were both gang members up in Louisville a few years back,” the other medic said, chewing up his fries as he spoke. He paused only long enough to wash the food down with a soft drink before continuing. “Is she who you’re moping about?”

  “I am not moping,” Wade said, slowly, spacing each word out. “Now why don’t you mind your own business?”

  “Because my partner can’t hardly keep his head out of his ass and this ain’t the kind of job you can do if you aren’t focused on it,” J.D. snapped, his blue eyes narrowing. “If this was a big town, you’d already been waist deep in hot water. But sooner or later, something more serious than a broken bone or an upset stomach is going to pop up and you’d better be able to handle it.”

  Having made his point, the older man turned his attention to his half-eaten lunch, dismissing Wade and his dilemma with the words, “You’d better get things worked out quick. Otherwise you’re going to get your ass thrown into the street.”

  Hell.

  * * *

  Wade turned his truck up the drive, grimly refusing to think about how much he might have to crawl. Damn it, she’d probably call the cops and have him thrown off her property, and wouldn’t that cap things off nicely?

  But he had to try. Wade had to try to make her understand how sorry he was. And with a whole lot of wishful thinking on his part, he was hoping she would let the sorry incident at her house go. He had to try to smooth things out, apologize and get her to understand.

  His life wasn’t worth a whole hell of a lot without her in it.

  And the man who had sworn to himself that he wasn’t going to beg was ironically aware that begging was exactly what he intended to do, in front of God and everybody if that was what it took.

  Gravel crunched under his tires as he pulled the truck to a stop. The overcast sky promised more rain before the day was out and as he climbed out of the truck, he caught the cool scent of the coming fall on the air. He helped Abby out of the booster seat in the back of the extended cab before turning the silent house.

  Her jacket buttoned up against the faint chill in the night air, Abby snuggled against his chest as they both looked at the empty house before them. Curtains drawn and secured, windows dark. “Daddy, Nikki’s not here, is she?” Abby asked, her face puckering in a slight pout.

  “No, baby. It doesn’t look like she is,” he answered gruffly. And from the looks of the things, he had a feeling she wouldn’t be back any time soon. The house had the vacant air to it of one that was going to empty for some time.

  “She’ll be home soon, right? We could wait,” Abby said, her eyes hopeful. “We could sit on the swing again and wait like we did last time.”

  “Angel, I don’t think she’s coming home any time soon.” He turned away, then, helping Abby back into the car, strapping her into her child seat. He paused by the driver’s door, looking back at the house. Where in the hell had she gone?

  As the days turned into weeks, and weeks into a month, the house on the hill outside of town remained empty. The questions he started asking of her family went unanswered. Her dad was cool and polite, Shawn taunting and insulting. Dylan was simply silent, staring at Wade with flat hazel eyes that saw too much.

  Wade finally heard a rumor that she had moved to New York.

  No. He told himself she wouldn’t just up and leave. Not for good. But all too soon Halloween was over and the holidays were looming on the hori­zon; he had yet to hear anything more about her.

  As his regret died, it gave way to anger, the apologies he had been rehearsing turned to ashes on his tongue. So he had meant that much. After one fight, she had just given up and turned away, walking out of his life, not giving him a chance to try to heal the wounds before they festered.

  Wade spent several weeks in that mind set, stewing and steaming over it. The anger certainly felt better than the guilt and he was able to function a little better.

  After Thanksgiving dinner with his parents, Wade returned to Monticello, wondering if he ought to return to Indiana. At least Abby would have her grandparents close by and her old friends. And he wouldn’t have to live day by day, wondering when she would come back.

  If she would come back.

  Abby was lonely. The twins had started kindergarten and in the careless manner of children, decided that Abby was too young for them play with any more. And she was unhappy, probably sensing her father’s state of mind. It was wearing on both of them.

  At least twice a week, he made the long drive to her house outside of town, up that winding road to see if she had returned. He would prowl the woods behind her home and slowly go out of his mind while he wondered.

  Pacing the floors at night, the four walls of his house threatening to close in on him, Wade worried and wondered. The anger was giving way to desperation and dismay. Something wasn’t right. The woman who had fled from him wasn’t the girl he had known.

  Nikki would have stood her ground, dug in her heels, and lifted that arrogant chin. Damn it, she would have laid into him, teeth bared. Where had that girl disappeared to? How had Nikki changed so much?

  And why had Wade done that? Acted that way? Handed out ultimatums he had no right to hand out?

  Why had she let him? Why hadn’t she fought back the way she would have before? She had stood there, letting him pile it on her and rage away before she could dive into him with claws bared.

  It was like there wasn’t much fight left in her.

  And so December dawned, cold and gray, an echo of the grief he carried inside.

  * * *

  Nikki stared at the sumptuous food piled high on the table. She was having Thanksgiving with Kirsten reserved but loving parents. It was clear that they thought the sun rose and set on their only child. And they were more than happy to welcome Nikki into their home for the holidays.

  With a polite smile, she answered questions softly, nodding and forcing herself to smile Finally they seemed to understand she was really not in the mood for conversa­tion and they steered the conversation away from her. By then, the smile had frozen on her lips, and her muscles ached from the strain of keeping her expression free of the distress she felt inside. Nikki had once glimpsed Kirsten whispering something in her mother’s ear and she looked away as Alice turned a sympathetic understanding smile in her direction

  She took a bite of the exquisitely prepared turkey that tasted like sawdust. Her appetite had turned to nothing but still, she forced herself to eat a little of everything on her plate. She washed it down wine and water, and prayed the day would end quickly. All she wanted to do was curl up in her guest room at Kristen’s with a book and forget all about the rest of the world.

  She wondered if Wade was spending his holiday with his family. Or was he with another woman? Nikki had been in New York for six weeks now, plenty long enough for him to have met somebody else. Maybe some per­spective young mother for Abby had whipped up their Thanksgiving feast and they were sitting down now to enjoy it.

  Nikki winced inwardly with self-disgust as her mind started down the trail. Just what she needed, to start feeling sorry for herself, and getting angry at some faceless woman who may not even exist.

  Homesick, she ached for her family and the comfort of her own home. She wanted to curl up in her own bed, and wake up in the morning to the sight of the sun rising over the hills. She wanted to ride her bike over those hills, feel the cold winter wind biting at her face. She wanted to go visit her son’s grave.

  But Nikki wasn’t ready to go home. She was deeply afraid that she would find that some other woman had taken her pace in
Wade’s life, again, and until she could handle the heartbreak of that, she wasn’t going to face him

  Until Nikki felt she was strong enough to handle facing Wade once more, knowing he no longer wanted her, Nikki wasn’t going home. She’d be damned before she fell apart in front of him. Damned if she would beg.

  She couldn’t forget how coldly he had spoken to her, how cruel his eyes had been when he informed he didn’t give a damn what she did or didn’t do.

  He had meant it. Wade had never really been able to lie worth a damn. He was well and truly fed up with her pushing him away with one hand while pulling him to her with another.

  Disgusted, Nikki knew that was exactly what she had been doing.

  Coward, she told herself as she trailed after the family into the drawing room for brandy and small talk. Nikki settled herself in an overstuffed chair that sat beside a huge picture window, overlooking the lavish family estate.

  Kirsten came from old money, and it showed. The house was over a hundred years old, grandly built and lovingly cared for. At one time, Nikki might have shown interest in it and wanted to wander the grounds and home, but now she sat idly in the chair, staring outside while conversation hummed around her in muted tones.

  She knew she was being rude, but she couldn’t bring herself to join the conversation. Nikki wasn’t feeling overly thankful about much of anything; she was too damn angry with herself. For not fighting back while Wade had lashed out at her For fighting with him about the wrong things. For lying and deluding herself and him.

  For being a weak witted fool.

  Disgusted with herself, she recalled the words she had spoken about Jamie. Though the woman had hated Nikki, had stolen Wade from her, she was a pitiable creature, one who had died lonely, and alone, despite a husband and a baby daughter.

  Nikki couldn’t abide those who spoke ill of the dead. That was some­thing she had always held herself by and here, when it was most important, she had gone and slandered the mother of the child Wade adored. While Wade might not have loved Jamie, he had cared about her, had made her his wife, had buried her and raised her little girl on his own.

  Sipping at the brandy, letting its artificial heat warm her insides, Nikki closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the seat. She wanted to go home.

  She dreaded doing so.

  And she degraded herself for being an indecisive idiot of a female.

  But hadn’t she been doing that for the past six weeks?

  * * *

  Kirsten paused outside the bedroom door, her hand resting on the smooth wood. In the other hand, she held a cup of rum laced eggnog, her plans had been to convince Nikki to nip a few drinks, and open up. The misery inside her was eating at her, and it wasn’t letting up any.

  But at the sound of the deep muffled sobs, she halted. Kirsten, like Nikki, was a private person.

  So she quietly retreated back the way she had come, cursing Wade Lightfoot in three different languages as she did so.

  * * *

  Wade glanced up as his partner dropped down on the chair across from him. His face was grim, his eyes shadowed and dark. “The boy didn’t make it,” J.D. rasped, his voice raw and strained.

  “Damn,” Wade whispered, useless anger curling within him. “Damn it.”

  “Massive head trauma. If he’d lived, he would have been a damned vegetable. The mother is still in surgery, but they think she’ll pull through. Hell of a piece of news for her to have to hear while she’s fighting for her life.” J.D. slouched in his chair and rubbed his eyes.

  Their shift had ended well over two hours earlier, but neither had been able to leave until they heard the news. Wade was now wishing he had left. He wanted to rip something apart with his bare hands. Knowing he didn’t want to know, but unable to keep from asking, he gave in. “The driver?”

  “Mild concussion. Mild lacerations A few bruised ribs form his impact against the safety harness,” J.D. said, his voice flat while his eyes burned. “Ain’t that justice?”

  “You boys need to head home.”

  Wade looked up as one of the ER nurses came into the lounge. A soft comforting smile on her familiar face, Leanne Winslow settled into a chair next to Wade and took his hand. “You’ve had a rough night. You need to get some rest. This isn’t even your normal shift.”

  “Saving money for Christmas,” he muttered, folding his cold hand around hers. “Any more news about the mother?”

  “Some. And it could be good news. She’s about four and half months pregnant and the fetus is hanging in there. She hasn’t spontaneously aborted yet, so that is definitely a good sign. If all goes well…”

  Wade grimaced and shook his head. “Too many things can go wrong, especially that early in the pregnancy.”

  “If she’d had been much farther along, much bigger, the baby’s chances wouldn’t be as good. As it is, the little girl is small enough that her mother’s body sustained much of the damage. She pulled through surgery but… well, the pain meds and antibiotics, those are what’s worrying her OB right now. At least she’s past the first trimester. We’ve located her husband.”

  A soft hand stroked over his brow and he fought off the urge to shrug it away. Wade never should have accepted her offer to dinner that night. But now, any time he decided to call things off, he was struck with a bout of loneliness so strong, he lost his resolve.

  Leanne was sweet, gentle, and unassuming. She looked at Wade as though she thought he was some type of god and made him feel like he wasn’t a walking disaster.

  And Abby liked her. She hardly even mentioned Nikki any more. The past three weeks had been easier, but he didn’t know if that was because Leanne was there or because he was adjusting to the fact that Nikki was gone.

  “Wade, you need to go home,” Leanne ordered softly, gazing up at him with concerned blue eyes. “Get some rest before that little girl of yours comes home from daycare. With Christmas coming, you’re going to need that rest.”

  Rest. That had become a precious commodity in his world. On the rare nights that Wade slept for more than four or five hours, he always dreamed of Nicole.

  The tasks of working two extra shifts of a week, trying to get Christmas shopping done and dealing with a rambunctious four year old were an exhausting combination enough, but when the father couldn’t sleep, it made it even worse.

  Rest? he thought cynically. Yeah, right. Not in this century. But Wade forced a smile and nodded. “You’ll let me know about the mother?” he asked as he stretched his arms over his head and forced his stiff body out of the chair.

  “Yes. But she’s going to pull though. She’s stable and she’s young. I just hope her baby makes it. Losing one child is hard enough,” Leanne murmured, rising gracefully to her feet. The baggy blue uniform rustled softly as she leaned close enough to peck him on the cheek. “I’ll call tonight, once you’ve had a chance to get some rest. You, too, J.D. Get some sleep”

  She smiled sweetly at him and left the lounge on silent feet. Her ebony hair, wound in an intricate braid, swayed as she walked away. That girl moved like dancer. She was beautiful, sweet and intelligent, a perfect dream. She was happiest when she was fussing over people.

  And, more often than not, two hours after leaving her, Wade could hardly remember what she looked like. Certainly couldn’t pull up her image in his mind, couldn’t remember how she felt against him, or smelled, or tasted.

  “That is a fine piece of work,” J.D. murmured as he rose, sliding his rumpled jacket on as they headed out the lounge. “You two serious?”

  Wade shrugged. “We’ve gone out a few times.”

  “About time. That girl’s been practically begging you ever since you moved here. Nice to know you finally developed a brain.”

  Wade shot his partner a dour look and said, “That’s not a brain you’re thinking of, buddy.” His steps slowed as he passed by a man being wheeled outside, with an armed escort. He was sobbing theatrically and waving his arms in the air he begged an
d pleaded with the officers.

  “Damned murdering son of a bitch,” J.D. whispered under his breath as the two men slowed to a halt. “Listen to him, saying he wasn’t drunk at all. That bastard had empty beer cans all over the back seat.”

  The bastard in reference had kept trying to grab his treating paramedic the entire time she was with him. He had been singing loudly and begging for ‘a special performance’ while Wade and J.D had been laboring over a tiny three-year-old boy, trying to pump life back into him. Bastard was so damned drunk, he hadn’t really realized he had been in a wreck.

  As he sang merrily, unaware of what was really happening, Wade and J.D. struggled to make that boy live.

  They had succeeded only to have the boy die in the ER

  “What’s likely to happen to him? In Louisville, some fancy ass lawyer would get him of with a suspended sentence and community time.”

  J.D. grunted and raised his shoulders. “He’ll be tried for manslaughter. And unless his family is rich, he won’t get a lawyer fancy enough to even try to talk down a thing like this. And, even then, folks around here don’t take to kindly to bastards like that. This isn’t his first offense, either. Multiple DUI’s. He’ll do time.

  “But that won’t bring that little boy back,” J.D. finished savagely, glaring in the direction of the cruiser.

  “But maybe it will save another one,” Wade said, holding onto that thought. That helped. Not a whole hell of a lot, but it did help. “You have to remember that. If he got away with a slap on the wrist, this would be a hell of a lot harder to handle.” He cast a glance up at the cold winter sky as they resumed walking to the ambulance. “Hell of a Christmas that family is going to have.”