NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  “That is exactly what you are to do. And I’m thinking clearer now than I have in months,” he said, raising his arms to brace against the large memorial behind her, caging her in.

  “You don’t even know what happened back then,” she whispered.

  “I know more than I needed to know. She got herself knocked up, the same way Jamie did. And she’s got the nerve to go bad mouthing my little girl’s mama. Making me feel like scum. Treating my daughter like a leper.

  “But that doesn’t matter,” he whispered into her ear, voice silky. “Because this doesn’t concern you. And you aren’t going to go telling her a damn thing. Because if you do, I’m going to remember those secrets you’ve been confiding in me Remember how easy I am to talk to, how trustworthy I am?”

  Her face paled. Good Lord. He wouldn’t.

  “Now the hospital knows about that baby in Lexington was some kind of fluke. That you weren’t to blame But to the uninformed public, they might start to have second doubts about it.”

  He would. Idiot. Fool. Why did you tell him? she screamed at herself, her mind racing. Because she had thought she knew him, could trust him.

  She didn’t know he had been obsessively in love with somebody else. “She doesn’t deserve to been broken again, Wade,” Leanne pleaded, making one last feeble attempt. But he was right. She would say nothing. She had rebuilt her life after a tragic accident. She couldn’t lose it all.

  “Think about it, Leanne. The hospital would feel pressured into letting you go on a leave of absence – they might ask you to resign even.”

  It was then that she discovered that she wasn’t as strong as she had th­ought she was. Besides the obvious, there was another major difference between her and Nicole Kline. Nicole had lost everything but overcome it, proved her strength. She was no coward.

  Leanne, on the other hand, most certainly was. She wouldn’t dare pick up a phone and breathe so much a word of warning to Nikki. Tears filled her eyes, her chin dropped. And she nodded.

  Wade smiled coldly.

  At the sight of that cold, triumphant smile, she turned away, blindly head­ing for the gravel road. It was less than a half mile to where she lived. It was cold and dark, a moonless night. If she was lucky, maybe she would be hit by a drunk driver and put out of her misery.

  Guilt and fear gnawed a hole in her belly. And she cringed at the thought of her own weakness. She had just sold out a defenseless woman.

  As his mind chased itself in crazy circles, he watched distractedly as Leanne walked away from the cemetery, head bent against the chilly wind. He grew vaguely aware that it was late, dark, cold. He couldn’t let her walk.

  He got in the truck, gunned the engine. Pulling up with her less than two blocks away, he rolled down the window and snapped, “Get in.”

  She ignored him, staring straight ahead. Wondering how she could have been so wrong.

  “Get. In.” he said slowly spacing the words out as he tried to rein in his rage once again.

  She slowed and stopped. Then she turned her head in slow motion and spoke, her voice eerily distant. “I just sold my soul to the devil, buddy. But that doesn’t mean I have to ride with him. I don’t want to ever see your face again, Wade Lightfoot.

  “And I pity that little girl of yours,” she added. “She’s going to grow up to be as heartless as you are.”

  And then she started walking, resolutely ignoring the truck that followed her home as she mentally kicked her own ass every step of the way.

  * * *

  Blind fury fueled him, kept him running for the next few weeks. The house was placed on the market and he gave his two weeks notice. His old job back in Louisville had been promised to him and they would stay with his folks until he found a new home for him and Abby.

  All the while Wade tortured himself with images of Nikki and the father of the baby. He didn’t think about the boy, didn’t think of the tiny little grave on the hill side. Didn’t think about the accident that should have killed her as well.

  The accident report. He shouldn’t have had an acquaintance in the po­lice department track it down. It had almost lessened his resolve. It had been frank, brutal, frightening. Truck overturned twice, tumbled down a thirty foot embankment. Snapped a little boy’s neck and nearly blinded his mother. Both Nikki and Shawn had worn their seatbelts, Jason had been secured in his seat. None of that had mattered.

  Wade refused to think about that piece of paper. It was just words strung together. He didn’t think about it, or about what he was doing.

  He wasn’t sleeping much. It showed in his bloodshot eyes but nowhere else. While sleep gave his so called better half a chance to argue the wrongness of what he was doing, it also gave him a chance to see her twisting naked on sheets with someone whose face wasn’t clear to Wade.

  The lack of sleep wasn’t bothering him much. Anger had a fuel all its own.

  * * *

  The house was silent, save for the hum of the printer. A stack of paper, nearly four hundred pages thick, sat next to the laser jet. She sat back in her chair, feet propped on the desk, her mind carefully blank.

  Nikki was tired, exhausted clear to the bone tired, weak, bleary minded tired. Her muscles ached from a two hour wood chopping stint the day before. And the day before that, she had ridden her bike over the cold winding roads for several hours Her face was chapped from the biting wind and it had taken hours to feel warm again.

  The wood pile outside her house was unbelievably large. Nikki stocked in enough wood to last through several winters And she had put more miles in on her bike the past four weeks than she normally did all summer.

  Wade was dating Leanne Winslow. The night in the parking lot of Tonito’s loomed large in her mind at the worst times. And she had heard rumors from Cheryl, Shawn’s girlfriend. Her father owned the only jewelry store in town. Wade had a diamond solitaire he had bought there about a week before Nikki had seen them at the restaurant.

  It hadn’t taken very long to replace her. It stung her pride, wounded her heart.

  Nikki forced herself to get up and walk into the kitchen. Conscious of the wisdom in Kristen’s words, she made herself to eat a good meal at least once a day, even if she didn’t want it. Though she had gained another four pounds, Nikki was aware that she was still too thin. The cardiologist had not been pleased, to put it lightly. Hip bones jutted out, and she could count her ribs simply by looking the mirror.

  She was now on a high calorie/high protein diet. And that damned doctor had told her if she didn’t put on at least a pound every weeks within the next month, he was putting her on a liquid dietary supplement. Nikki’s lip curled at the thought. No way was she drinking that crap she’d had to feed to the residents of the nursing homes she had done her clinicals at while still in nursing school at U of L.

  So she ate the damned food. And hated every tasteless bite.

  Nikki was a ghost of her former self and knew she ought to be ashamed she let this happen again. But she simply couldn’t work up the energy to care.

  But she wouldn’t put herself in the hospital again. Never again.

  Later, as the sun rose to its zenith, shining down a thin watery winter light, she sat at the table, staring outside without seeing anything, eating a sandwich piled high with ham and tomatoes. She ate the awesome chili her dad had made and sent home with her, and never tasted it.

  It all tasted like sawdust to her, but it had for weeks. Months.

  He hadn’t called. Hadn’t spoken to her the one time she had seen him in the store. Not that this was a bad thing. Nikki wasn’t sure she could handle it. She was far too fragile. Seeing him with another woman had hurt her even more than she expected. Part of her insisted once she recovered from the shock of that, she would do what she had come home to do.

  But another part knew that if she approached him, and he rebuffed her, it would destroy her stubborn determination to keep going. She knew she wasn’t as strong as Kirsten said she was. She would, once again, lo
se the will to live. And she wouldn’t have Jason to keep her going.

  And for some reason, if for no other than just sheer stubbornness, Nikki didn’t want to just fade away again. Maybe the pain would go away, but then again, so would she. She had never been a quitter, and she didn’t want to start now.

  But something would have to give, and soon. She couldn’t keep going on in this limbo forever.

  Chapter Ten

  Nikki’s black Bronco came to an abrupt halt when she took the final curve to her house. Wade’s truck sat blocking the road, and he was leaning against the hood, hands buried in the pockets of a beat up leather jacket; one she had bought their second Christmas together.

  He still has it.

  Blinking away the tears, Nikki shifted the Bronco into park and rolled the window down as Wade approached. She had been home nearly six weeks and this was the closest she had been to him since that awful day late last summer.

  The cold wind blew through the window, whipping her hair, stringing her eyes. It was blocked when Wade leaned against the door, propping his elbows in the window frame. He was silent for a long time, studying her.

  “Hey,” he said quietly. The words he had rehearsed left him when he got his first good look at her. Dear Lord. She looks like a war refugee. She was thin, unbelievably so. Her cheeks were hollow and that hands that gripped the steering heels were pale and fragile looking. Her eyes looked unnaturally dark in her wan face.

  Sourly, Wade decided her high society boyfriend in New York must like his woman scrawny.

  Angry as he was, it wasn’t as hard as he would have liked to make his voice sound hesitant and uncertain. Pleading. “Nikki.” He cursed himself when his voice faltered of its own accord. His throat was tight as he said, “How… how’ve you been?”

  “Well enough,” Nikki replied. Wade didn’t like just how easy, how steady her voice was. How could she sound normal when he was a mass of fury and pain inside? “And you?”

  “Awful,” he said bluntly, hating that it was true. Hated that just seeing her made his wounded heart feel better.

  “Is there—”

  “Will you—”

  They both spoke at once, then fell silent. “You first,” she offered. A slight smile edging up the corners of her mouth.

  Wade took the chance, not wanting to give her opening to slip up the hill, into her house, away from him where she could lock the rest of the world out and remain hidden in her fortress. He steeled himself and reminded himself he had a job to do. Something that had to be done before he could get on with his life.

  “I want to talk with you. Can come for a ride with me?” he asked. Half of him shouted, Say Yes! while the other half begged, Say no. Don’t let me do this to you.

  Nikki shrugged and looked away. “You’re welcome to come on up,” she said, reaching for the gear shift.

  “I’d rather you come with me. I…” Letting his voice trail off, he gazed at her with hot eyes. “I really don’t need to be alone in that house with you, Nicole. Not just yet.”

  He didn’t tell her that he didn’t want to be in that house. A house where she had raised her son. A house where she had probably welcomed her son’s father, her lover. A house where he had never been welcomed.

  Blood rushed to her face as he stared at her, and he could all but feel the heat that was rushing through her body as she shifted on the sheet. She was going to refuse. Wade could see it in her eyes. Telling himself he had to convince her, he gave in to the urge to urge to touch her, just brush his hand across her cheek. He was just trying to get her to go with him that was all. If he satisfied this crazy urge to touch her, so what?

  So soft, he wondered. So cool, silky. “Please,” he implored, willing to beg, if that was what it took.

  Her eyes widened before flickering shut. Without moving, she seemed to arch closer, against his feather light cares. And then as if somebody had turned off a light, she shut down, locked herself back in.

  “All right,” she said quietly. “I can’t be gone long though. I’ve got a lot to get done.”

  He backed away without answering. “I’ll follow you up,” he said softly. And then he turned on his heel.

  Soon. In a few more days, she would be out of his life. And hopefully out of his heart.

  He certainly would not be in hers. She was going to hate him, very shortly.

  The very thought twisted his guts, tightened his throat until he could barely breathe. Scowling, he reminded himself it didn’t matter if she hated him.

  But he knew he was lying.

  He frowned as she climbed out of the Bronco. His eyes locked on her slight figure, clearly outlined by navy leggings. Why in the hell had she lost so much weight? Whoever in the hell he was – and Wade had no doubt that there was a he – he must like his woman all skin and bone.

  Wade couldn’t help but wonder if it was the father of the baby. Maybe she had been in New York with him all this time. Maybe…

  With a growl, Wade halted that thought before it could fully form. Nikki had come to a halt outside his truck and was eyeing him uncertainly, her purse slung over one shoulder, hands tucked into the pockets of her trench coat. Wade forced a smile that felt as though it would crack his face as he swung out of the truck.

  She moved slowly, tiredly. Probably wasn’t eating enough to keep a bird alive.

  Well, her appetite would be roused over the next few days. He would take her to bed until she couldn’t take him any more. He intended to mark her, brand her as his, so that for the rest of her life, she would never be able to look at another man, for want of him

  He would use that sleek body until he had her out of his system.

  And then he was going to walk away.

  * * *

  Nikki eyed Wade, her uneasiness growing by leaps and bounds. It had merely been a seed when she had climbed into the truck. Wade wouldn’t hurt her physically and she taken everything else he had dished out. She would be fine.

  But they had been driving for well over two hours. And Wade hadn’t made a single sound other a noncommittal grunt from time to time. As the highway sped on by, she forced herself to speak. “Wade,” she said, striving for a light tone. “I know you are a man of few words, but this is a record even for you. How are we supposed to talk when you won’t even open your mouth?”

  Wade merely sent a sidelong look she couldn’t decipher and drove on.

  “Wade, what’s going on?” she asked flatly, crossing her arms over her chest as he turned off the main highway onto a side road.

  “I figured we needed to clear the air,” he finally said.

  Minutes passed and he said nothing else, so Nikki sighed and again spoke. “Is there some reason we can’t do that in Monticello?” she prodded.

  By now there were on a road that was little more than a gravel path and he didn’t take his eyes off of her as he drove on. “I didn’t want to do it in your house. Too easy for you to kick me out there,” he said, shrug­ging his shoulders.

  He fell back into silence, without another word. But there was something in his eyes that bothered her, something that had her belly drawn into a tight knot, one that got tighter with every mile that passed. Silent, she stared out the window as he followed that country road, taking another one that spiraled upward.

  They were in the mountains now. Through the occasional break in trees, she could see the Smokies, soaring into the sky, their peaks shrouded by low hanging clouds.

  Stifling a shiver, she leaned back in the seat, wishing she had listened to her gut when it had insisted she not go with him.

  And fighting off the fear that she really hadn’t had a choice.

  Out of the corner of his eye nearly an hour later, Wade watched her shift in the seat. Her face had become paler and paler as they drove farther They hadn’t seen a car in nearly two hours. This rutted dirt road would eventually end some twenty miles ahead, if he was going the right way.

  If she sat up much straighter, her spine was going to
crack from the strain. With a resigned sigh, he edged his truck as far off the narrow road as he could, turning up the heat before turning to face her. It was twenty degrees out and the nearest town was more than seventy miles back. One thing was certain, she was stuck with him until he decided otherwise.

  With one arm draped across the steering wheel, the other across the back of the bench seat, he looked at her. Again, it struck him how wan she looked. She looked weak, fragile. In all the time he had known her, she had never looked like that; he never thought she could look like that.

  But she did. She looked as though a breeze would knock her down. The emptiness in her eyes pulled at his heart and the words seemed pulled from there as he whispered, “Damnation, I’ve missed you.”

  Startled, Nikki turned her head to look at him. Her wary eyes skittered away and she shrugged as she said softly, “I don’t know why. You said your­self, you were tired of waiting around for me.”

  Looking sheepish and sorry wasn’t as hard as it should have been. “We need to talk about that,” he muttered. Reaching out, he trailed his finger down her cheek before hooking the back of her neck and drawing her closer. He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent.

  That unforgettable scent drew him, lured him closer, tempted and taunted him. He counted to ten, then twenty as he reached for control

  Then he buried his face against her neck, basking in her warmth, softness. Control never seemed further away. “But we’ll talk later,” he muttered and dragged her across the seat to drape awkwardly across his lap.

  Expecting her to go rigid, to say no.

  But she didn’t. She went willingly, almost eagerly into his arms, her body shuddering violently as it came in contact with his. He instinctively realized she wouldn’t back away this time

  Slanting his mouth across hers, he released the frustration and yearning that had been building for weeks, months. Years.

  Whimpering deep in her throat, Nikki arched upward, straining against him. Her arms locked around his neck, her hands dipped into his hair and fisted.