NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  She shivered deep inside.

  Why had that sounded so much like ‘end this’?

  Canned stew and biscuits were on the menu for that night. Nikki sat in her chair, quiet. Wade frowned as she continued to push the food around on her plate. She had eaten exactly four small bites and that had been nearly five minutes ago.

  She glanced up at him, caught him watching her. She attempted a smile, but it fell short of being successful as she said, “Dad bought a cabin up here a few years ago. I’ve never gone to it, but my brothers come out a lot in the winter to go ice fishing or hunting. And Dad practically lives there during the summer.”

  Wade’s only answer was an unintelligible grunt. He continued to stare at her, scowling when she laid her fork down and closed her hands around her glass, staring into it as though the sweetened iced tea held the answers to all of life’s problems.

  Wade’s own appetite was somewhat diminished. Guilt was a living breathing thing. It had a taste, a feel, a smell to it all its own. It filled his belly until there was no room for food.

  He insisted to himself once more that he had nothing to feel guilty about. He was simply settling the score. She was the one who had lied and betrayed.

  She’s also the one who had to bury her baby, his conscience whispered.

  She lied to me, led me to believe one thing while something else was the truth She betrayed me.

  Didn’t you betray her first? What did you expect her to do? Join a convent?

  Wade forced himself to take deep slow steadying breath. Now he was arguing with himself. A sure sign of impending mental breakdown. He forced his normally rigid self-disciple into place as he reminded himself he had a job to do.

  Forcing the guilt aside, swallowing its bitter taste, he studied her skinny frame.

  “You need to eat,” he told her as he popped the last piece of biscuit in his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, drank some tea, staring at her the entire time.

  A disinterested shrug was his only answer, so he repeated himself.

  Her eyes met his and she calmly said, “I’m not hungry.”

  No. He didn’t imagine she was. After damn near starving herself, food probably wasn’t even an afterthought for her any more. She looked so pale and tired. Her cheeks were hollow, large half moons bruising the delicate skin under her eyes. The bones of wrists and elbows pushed sharply against soft flesh.

  And he’d be damned if he would let her go to waste all because some fancy suit in New York wanted her looking like a scarecrow.

  “You can either eat, or I’ll shove down your throat,” he offered, shoving his own plate aside.

  She merely arched an eloquent eyebrow at him and said, “You do that and I’ll just throw it back up. I told you I’m not hungry.”

  Bluntly, he informed her, “You look like hell. You’re pale, exhausted. Your cheekbones stick out so much, it is a wonder they don’t cut right through your skin. You look like the poster child for world hunger.”

  She smiled slightly and shrugged yet again. “I doubt I look all that bad. I eat a good meal on a regular basis.”

  “Regular as in regularly once a week?” he bit out, narrowing his eyes on her face.

  “Regularly as in three times a day…I just don’t eat as much as I should. I was just eating about once a day, but I got fussed at. So I eat three times a day, just like a normal person.”

  Once a day? Wade thought incredulously. Once a day? He had seen the amount of work she put into taking care of her home, the wood chopping, the cleaning up of debris left over from the rough fall. He had seen her out cycling the hilly areas around her home. He couldn’t imagine the amount of energy she burned on a daily basis. And she was eating once a freaking day?

  “Why are you doing this to yourself?” he demanded, shoving his chair back away from the table. “You have no spare flesh on you. You’re nothing more than skin and bone. Hell, I can practically see right through you.”

  Her shoulders moved restlessly as her eyes roamed around the room. “I’m taking care of myself. I just don’t ever have an appetite any more. I’m only a few pounds under my ideal body weight. I can’t help it that I’m not hungry anymore.”

  A few pounds my ass, Wade thought. Though she wasn’t at all tall, her frame was hardly a delicate one. She had broad shoulders, broad hips. Sturdy muscle and strong bones made up her body. He’d bet his next paycheck she was at least twenty pounds under what she should be.

  And it sickened him to think that she might be doing this to herself to please some man. It made him furious to see that damn blank look on her face, as though she were staring through him. As though they hadn’t just had explosive sex in the front seat of truck just a few hours earlier.

  Narrowing his eyes, he decided maybe she needed a reminder. Damn it to hell, she wouldn’t look through him. Not any more. His eyes focused on her face, then her mouth as he said, “You always used to be…hungry.”

  Her eyes darted to his, then skittered away as he rose. This cabin, Nikki realized, was damn small. Less than forty by forty. It consisted of a one room that was for eating, cooking and sleeping. A large king size bed took up a good portion of space. Only one bed. A lumpy looking sofa. The tiny little bathroom didn’t even have a lock on the door.

  He closed in on her, lessening the space between them even as she tried desperately to widen it. His eyes ran over, mentally removing every stitch of clothing from her hide as he offered, “I can see what I can do about whetting your appetite. Maybe all you need is some strenuous activity.”

  “Wade, this isn’t exactly what I would call settling things,” she said, her voice placating even as her eyes darted about, looking for an escape route that didn’t exist. “I thought we were here to talk.”

  “We’ve talked. We’ve settled nothing. Let’s try a different sort of communication,” he whispered as he walked her up against the wall. “You’ve run out of room, Nikki. No place left to go.” His eyes lit with unholy glee as he added, “No place left to hide.”

  His voice rasped like a callused hand over smooth silk. A shudder racked her from head to toe as his arms came up to rest beside her head, bracketing her between the wall and his body She swallowed and hoped her voice would be steady. “I’m not hiding from you, Wade. If I wanted to hide, I wouldn’t have gotten into the truck with you.”

  “Why did you?” he asked, lowering his head until they were nose to nose, mouth to mouth, his body heat reaching out to warm her from only inches away.

  “I thought we were going to talk,” she said faintly, arching her head back, trying to maintain a little bit of distance.

  “We will. Eventually,” Wade whispered, following her retreating mouth his own.

  “Wade—”

  He cut her off with a soft, slow kiss that had her blood sizzling its way throughout her body. “We’ve always communicated so much better when we didn’t use our mouths to talk,” he murmured as he pulled his mouth from hers, lowering his head to nuzzle at her neck.

  As his hot mouth blazed a trail down her neck, Nikki stifled a whimper by biting the inside of her cheek. He moved closer and closer until she was caught between a hard male body and the rough wooden wall at her back.

  “Wade,” she said, shakily Squirming weakly, against, she tried to loosen his hold. “Wade, this is not going to solve anything.” The last word ended on a gasp as she tried to suck in much needed air.

  “Yes,” he countered, his voice guttural. “It will. Damn it, woman. I should have done this from the beginning. We get along fine as long as you aren’t thinking.” His dark head dipped as he spoke, so that the final words were spoken against her mouth. His tongue thrust between her lips, past her teeth, to steal the air form her body.

  Hot hands moved down her torso, to her hips, sliding beneath the waist­band of her leggings, shoving the material down her narrowed hips. Her boots, never tied from the first time in the truck, fell easily from her feet as he lifted her, pinning her body to the wall with his
own. One jean-clad leg came between hers and he bent his knee, bringing it contact with her exposed flesh.

  Planting his foot in the crotch of her leggings, he shoved them the rest of the way down, kicking them away in a tangle. His hand came up between them, hooked in the neck of her sturdy button down flannel. Nikki felt a hard jerk as he rent it down the middle. Buttons went flying as he lifted her up, moved between her dangling legs and closed his mouth around a lace-cov­ered nipple.

  Slowly, oh, so slowly, he eased his hold until her weight came down. Nikki gasped as it brought her up against his groin. The rough material of his jeans chafed against the inside of her thighs as she arched her hips and shuddered, trying desperately to get closer.

  And then she was. His hands freed his erection from the confines of his jeans, adjusted her position. Wade slowed his hands as one hand strayed to the juncture of her thighs, tested her flesh. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured.

  “Wade,” she whimpered, rubbing against him, pleading.

  Moisture flooded his hand and hot satisfaction gleamed in his eyes as he petted the slick flesh with a feathery light touch. He shifted, grasped her hips, and filled her as his name fell from her mouth in a rippling gasp. She was still so tight. His hands went to her buttocks and cupped them, as he worked her up and down.

  Her legs closed around his hips like a vice while she panted and twisted her hips until with a groan, he buried himself to the hilt.

  Flesh slid against flesh, stifled mews of pleasure and whispered exclamations filled the air. His hips hammered against hers, her hot tight flesh rippling around him. She arched back with a gasp as inner convulsions started, caressing his shaft until he thought he would go mad with the pleasure of it.

  With a muttered oath, he pushed away from the wall and stumbled the three feet to the bed. Came down on top of her and thrust violently into her once, before pulling out, away from her clinging hands.

  Wade put his mouth against her, tasting the spicy sweet tang of her as she climaxed against his mouth and hands. Then, he rose and stared down at her, his chest heaving, while he waited for her to calm.

  Her breathing started to slow, and sense began to gather within her eyes. He wanted to watch her eyes go blind again. He stripped off his shirt, came down on her, mounted her and drove in Pushing her quickly toward another orgasm, had her hovering on the brink, then changing his rhythm, withholding it from her. He shuddered when she locked her arms around his neck, gasped his name and pleaded with him.

  Beneath him, Nikki clenched tightly around his cock, her flesh convulsing, her nails digging into the ridge of muscles at his shoulders. “Wade, oh, Wade, please,” she whimpered, her head thrashing back and forth.

  “Nobody else can make you feel like this,” he rasped against her ear, settling into a hard driving rhythm.

  Her hips bucked against his as he thrust against her, driving deep within the wet well of her body. One hand raced down, cupped her buttocks and squeezed, his fingers digging into the soft flesh, the dark crevice. “Nobody,” he repeated, thickly

  She screamed, her eyes blank as a massive orgasm ripped through her, leaving her weak and shuddering as Wade, savagely triumphant, found his own release. Closing his eyes, he anchored her hips against his, rode it through to the very end as her body milked his, demanding everything he had to give.

  With a shudder, Wade collapsed against her, body numb from pleasure. Mind numb from shock. And his heart was aching.

  His name. She had screamed and whispered his name as her flesh had shuddered and heaved around his. And right before a sob had torn through her, Nikki had gasped out, “I love you”

  Ragged breaths sawing in and out of him, Wade closed his eyes, now in despair.

  Because Wade Lightfoot had finally realized that no matter what he did, or what she did, it wasn’t the end of things. Nothing would ever completely end things.

  Because he would never be free of her.

  Eventually, Nikki ate, dressed in the blue flannel with the buttons missing, revealing a pale wedge of flesh every time she shifted. Curled up against his side, Wade held her close, his face pressed against her hair, breathing her in while his mind raised and spun in dizzying circles.

  Damn it.

  What in the hell was he supposed do now?

  The cabin was dark, lit only by the fire. She was cuddled close to him, warm, soft, everything he held dear. Turning lambent eyes to his, she smiled and her lids lowered slowly, closing, before opening to reveal something that made his blood run hot. As he struggled to find his tongue, Nikki shifted and straddled him.

  Her shirt fell away with a graceful shrug of her shoulders, revealing skin made golden by the firelight. As it flickered and danced, highlighting hol­lows and curves, Nikki skimmed hands up her sides, licked her lips and whis­pered against his mouth, “I’m feeling… hungry.”

  He cracked a smile and found his voice as his hands reached up to close around her waist. “I’ve made a monster,” he whispered. “You’ll be the death of me.” His eyes nearly crossed with pleasure when her talented fingers slipped below waist, inside his jeans after making quick work of the zipper.

  “I can’t think of a better way to go,” he admitted weakly as she closed her hand around him and she sank to her knees before him, lowering her head until the soft heat of her mouth enclosed the head of his cock.

  * * *

  Hours later, Wade lay wide awake while she slept curled against his side.

  What kind of monster have I become? he wondered.

  The red haze that had clouded his mind and fogged his vision for weeks, had suddenly and completely cleared, leaving him sick with guilt.

  Wade had no claim on her, had lost all rights the minute he had gone to bed with Jamie.

  God above, she had lost her baby. It bore too much pain to think of; he couldn’t imagine losing his little girl. He wouldn’t have wanted to live.

  Who in the hell was he to blame her for anything? To want any kind of retribution. Any imagined slight was nothing compared to the agony she must have gone through. But that hadn’t stopped him from wanting to add to it.

  Slowly, carefully, Wade rose, slipping from the bed, not wanting to dis­turb her. She looked so exhausted, needed her rest so badly. Shrugging into his shirt, donning his jeans, he headed for the door, pausing long enough to slip his feet in battered workbooks. Cold air hit his face and chest as he headed for the railing of the tiny porch deck.

  What in the hell was I thinking?

  If he could have reached his own ass, he would have kicked it from here to Tokyo. Slumping against the rail, he called himself every name he knew, berated himself for being such a fool. Then he repeated himself. Twice.

  Nikki had lied to him, by omission, and she had misled him. But she had also warned him to leave her be. And she had meant it. It had all been done out of self defense, in effort to protect herself from further pain. From letting him cause her any more pain.

  She hadn’t succeeded. He could remember the agony he had glimpsed in her eyes so often, agony he had ignored.

  There was nothing suitable enough for punishment. He could remember every loathsome thought since Leanne had unwittingly revealed Nikki’s secret. With painful clarity, he remembered the shock in Leanne’s eyes as he had stood seething over the grave of a dead child. The reality of his own cruelty, his own selfishness and jealousy made his stomach churn with bile.

  The memory of Nikki’s tight body made sweat rise on his brow, even now. Whatever had happened had ended long ago. She hadn’t been with a man in years, maybe not since she had conceived. There was no way she could have been with another man recently.

  Again, he stilled as he remembered how she flinched, how her body had tried to retreat from his, and he could still see the flash of pain in her dark eyes when he had entered her that first time.

  And then his thoughts turned inward as he thought of the hill by her family’s home.

  He knew exactly where the cr
ash had happened. Had driven there, climbed from his truck and looked around, not expecting to see anything But more than two years after it had happened, one could still see the path her truck had taken down the incline. Patches of bareness, branches broken off long ago due to impact with a large object. Metal, steel and earth weren’t a pretty combination. He would know, considering how many accidents victims he’d tried to keep alive over the years. Most often, he succeeded, but often enough, he failed.

  She could have been killed. It was a miracle that she and Shawn had escaped with their lives.

  Nikki was so lucky to be alive.

  And so miserable for being so. She had been grieving for far too long. Hurting over what he had done to her, then hurting because life had ripped her only child from her. She had told him, time after time, that she wasn’t strong enough to handle it.

  What had she said?

  You can’t make it up to me, her voice whispered in his mind as he remembered. You have no idea bow badly I was hurt, how much I lost.

  Nikki was right. He was completely clueless.

  They were finished, he knew that. There was no way that they could have a life together, not with all the anger and resentment that swirled in him, despite all his attempts to drown them. She may not know it, would not be expecting it because he had just told her in graphic detail that he wanted her back.

  But there was no way he could stay.

  Wade was selfish, he was a bastard, a Neanderthal, and he knew it. But it would eat him alive to stay here, trying to make it work, knowing she had been with another man. His jealousy would be like acid, eating away at him until one day, the poison erupted and destroyed everything in its path.

  He wouldn’t let his own anger, his own jealousy hurt after this. Not any more.

  His emotions were illogical, unjustified. But he knew it was a fact. Not liking it didn’t make it any less true. Wishing it were otherwise couldn’t change how he felt

  A numbness settled around his heart, growing until it encased his entire body. He could not possibly stay with her now. God only knew he hurt her enough already. What else was there left to do but leave her peace? That was what she wanted to begin with.