NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  Slowly, Wade nodded, accepting that. He could understand that, even if he didn’t like it. He couldn’t even imagine how he would have felt if Abby—

  He shied away from that thought, focusing on the matter at hand. “I had a right to know,” he said quietly, his voice intense. “Regardless of how you felt about me, I had a right to know.”

  Nikki turned to stare at him, her head cocked, her shiny sweep of chestnut hair falling across her brow. “Did you really? Legally, yes, you did. But I have to wonder, if I had told you from the beginning, what would have happened? You would have insisted on having rights, visiting privileges. I would have been forced to see you with your wife, and your daughter. I was already in bad shape. How right would it have been to put me through that, especially when I did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve what happened to me? I lost everything, Wade. He was all I had. Why should I have shared him with you?”

  “Because he was mine,” Wade rasped, his eyes narrowing as he moved closer.

  “And you were mine. I shouldn’t have had to share you with Jamie. It would have killed me to see you with her, can’t you understand that?” she demanded, her eyes flashing angrily at him.

  “Yeah, well, if you had been forced to share your son, maybe you wouldn’t have left Louisville, and maybe he’d still be alive,” Wade snapped, catching hold of her and jerking her up against him.

  It was a good thing he had hold of her arms, because at his words, she wilted, her body going lax, while she stared up at him out of huge anguished eyes.

  Wade could have kicked himself the minute the words left his mouth. There was no way to take them back. Staring down at her, he damned himself to hell and back, but he didn’t release his hold on her. She was as limp in his hands as a rag doll, absolutely no strength in her body. Her eyes were dark and wounded.

  Carefully, he scooped her limp body up and deposited her on the couch before moving away, regret burning in the back of his mouth like acid. “I shouldn’t have said that,” he finally said, resuming his spot back at the window. “I’m sorry.”

  The silence reigned for what seemed like an eternity. Wade tried to find a way to soothe the most recent pain he had inflicted on this woman but could think of nothing. How could he have said that? He didn’t blame her, so why did he say something that would make her think he did?

  Wade had to figure out a way to make this better. They had so much they needed to talk about, so many important things, and he had gone and totally bungled things before they could even begin.

  He was formulating what he would say and how to say it when the quiet noise behind him begin.

  When he worked up the nerve to turn around, she stood before him, dressed in his shirt and her leggings, her boots laced up. Her jacket was in her arms and she held it to her breast like a shield. “I’d like to go home now,” she said woodenly through stiff lips.

  “No.” The panic that rose was swift and thick, enveloping his mind and freezing any apologies he had been about to make. Panic fueled the simmering frustration and he lost the ability to think clearly.

  “I would like to go home now,” she repeated.

  Wade shook his head, moving to grab her arms. She stood rigidly under his hands, staring at a point past his shoulder. “Damn it, Nikki. Don’t you think it’s time we settled this?” he insisted, wishing desperately he could take back the past few minutes. Hell, the past few weeks.

  “It is settled, Wade.”

  “It’s not,” he argued, tipping her head back, forcing her eyes to meet his. They were empty, blank. Her skin was pale, her face smooth. Under his hands, she trembled slightly, minutely, as though frozen from within. “Don’t you think I’m entitled to a little bit of anger here? Maybe one could even expect me to be a bit of a jackass. This is one hell of a piece of news you handed me.”

  Her lids lowered slowly, shielding her eyes from him while she studied him from under the fringe of her lashes. “I lost my fiancée. That damn near destroyed me. If it wasn’t for my little boy, I would have given up. Then, I lost him. Again, I had to rebuild a life for myself, this time alone. The past few years have been a bit traumatic for me, Wade. If anybody is entitled to be a bit of a jackass, it would be me.”

  Now her eyes raised, locked on his. Hot, angry. Softly, she asked, “Tell me something, Wade, what have you lost?”

  “I lost you,” he whispered, his own eyes dark and haunted.

  “Through nobody’s fault but your own,” she reminded. “That was your doing, nobody else’s. I think I’ve had more than my fair share of heartache. I certainly don’t need you to add to it. I told you this because I thought we were going to give this one more shot. I felt it was past time you knew. I made a mistake and I admit that. However, it has become clear to me that you blame me for making what most would agree was the right decision. You appear to blame me for wanting to raise my son in a place a little safer than we lived. He could have easily been killed crossing the street or in a drive by shooting. He could have been kidnapped and murdered or any number of things. Would that have been my fault? If it had happened in Louisville, would I still be to blame?”

  Exasperated, frustrated, he shook her. “I don’t blame you. I shouldn’t have said that, but damn it, you threw me off track. How can I be expected to be logical?”

  She merely stared at him, through him. From the way she was looking at him, he realized she had already dismissed him from her mind. Not if I have anything to do with it, you haven’t, Wade thought angrily. She wasn’t going to spring a surprise like this on him, and then stomp off because he had reacted in a less than admirable manner.

  “You can’t just leave things like this, damn it. It’s unfinished.”

  “Is it?” She turned her head, looking at him this time, instead of through him as she asked, “And how would you propose that we finish this? What would be an appropriate ending? Are we going to kiss and make up, act like we weren’t the biggest mistake on God’s green earth? Or maybe we should just shake hands and be friends. How should this story end, Wade? God knows I’ve tried to figure that out, but I’ll have to admit I’m stumped.”

  “I…I don’t know,” he answered, helplessly.

  Nikki turned away, tossed her jacket down on the couch as she paced the floor. Damn it all. When are things ever going to be easy for me? she wondered with resignation. Nothing in her life was ever easy. She stopped at the back door, her eyes roaming sightlessly over the landscape.

  She had to admit…it was lovely here, even in the desolate winter light.

  Maybe this summer, she would take a few weeks and go stay at her dad’s cabin, wherever in the hell that was If he didn’t go and put it on the market, like he had mentioned off and on the past two years.

  On the market.

  And Nikki remembered a for sale sign that graced the yard of a little ranch house in Monticello.

  Slowly, she turned on her heel. Remembering her feeling in the truck on the way up here that there was something odd going on behind those dark eyes. Remembered the odd shuttered look in eyes as he braced himself above her. For a moment then, she hadn’t known this man.

  What in the hell is going on here? she wondered.

  “Why did you bring me up here, Wade?” she inquired calmly, even though there was a burning in her chest. Even though, deep inside, she already knew what was going on. Anger, the kind she hadn’t felt in years, was building. She tried to rein it in, but she wasn’t having much luck

  He stared at her, his dark eyes blank. She knew. She had figured it out. “I think you know why I brought you up here,” he finally said, turning away.

  “Why is your house for sale?”

  He stared out the window, his eyes not really seeing the beautiful cold winter morning. “I’m moving back to Indiana. Abby’s not happy here. I’m not happy”

  His answer fanned the hot flames that were spreading to engulf her body. “So,” she said coldly, glaring at him. “This was… what? One last trip down memory lane?�
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  “More or less,” he replied.

  “You went to an awful lot of trouble for a roll in the sack, Wade,” Nikki said, her voice ice cold. As she spoke, she turned back to stare out the window as she struggled to regulate her breathing, to reign in the anger. Stay calm about this, Nik, she told herself. Getting mad isn’t going to solve anything.

  She was silent a moment longer and then she whirled, her eyes locking on his.

  “You son of a bitch!” she shouted, advancing on him until she stood toe to toe with him Small hands planted against his chest and she shoved with all her strength, but was unsatisfied when all he did was stumble backward a step before coming up against the wall.

  “I never thought you were a cruel man, Wade, but that was before this little stunt. Did it ever occur to you what might be going on in my head if I were to give in to you?” she demanded, thumping his chest with a clenched fist. “You have been after me for months to give you a second chance. I wanted us to have a second chance. That’s why I came back from New York. Hell, if I’d wanted some quick and easy sex, I could have gotten that there. I come back here, I give in, against my better judgment, only to find out that you just wanted a private farewell party.”

  “Nikki—”

  “Shut up,” she said softly, baring her teeth at him in a snarl. “Just shut up.” She spun around on her heel, pacing back and froth. “You barged into my life just when I was finally able to think about living again,” she muttered. Then she stomped back and rose up on her toes until they were nose to nose. “You tore it apart all over again. You intruded on my privacy for weeks. You interfered with my personal life. You made demands on me you had no right making. You insulted me, my morals and my integrity. You went out of your way to cause me more pain. You brought me here under false pretenses.”

  She paused to suck in air, lower her voice. “I could have handled that. I didn’t protest or tell you ‘no,’ when that’s all it would have taken to make you stop. I didn’t do that, because I wanted you. I wanted to make love with you. But this wasn’t about making love; it was about adding one more memory to your hope chest.”

  Nikki moved away from, cupping her elbows in her hands and hugging herself. “Well,” she said hollowly, the anger draining out of her as quickly as it had risen. “I hope you enjoyed getting your rocks off. Did you get everything you wanted or is there something we missed?”

  “Nikki—”

  She held up her hand, cutting him off. Shutting him out. “Just take me home now, Wade. We’re done with.”

  Wade jammed his fists in his pockets, staring at her closed face. She had shut down and locked up, he realized. He wasn’t going to be able to talk to her now. He relented with a slight nod, gathering his gear, dragging the rest of his clothes on as she stood and stared out the windows

  He knew she wasn’t seeing anything. Her soulful eyes were as cold as the air outside, and empty.

  Where do we go from here? he wondered wearily, shoving his arms into the sleeves of his coat, pocketing his keys.

  This trip had definitely deviated from his plan.

  I had a son, he thought bleakly

  And he wondered what the little boy had looked like, how his laugh had sounded.

  Grief for the child he had never known, and never would know, ripped through him. He paused outside the door of the cabin. Behind him, Nikki was settling in the truck. He pressed his palms to his eyes and dragged a deep cold draught of air into his lungs. How in the hell am I supposed to deal with this?

  Hours later, he pulled up in front of her house. “How much longer are you going to keep running from yourself, Nikki?” Wade asked, killing the engine as he stared up at her silent house. Moonlight gilded his features with a silvery glow, casting one half of his face into shadow.

  “I’m not running from anything,” she stated coldly. “I just want to lead my life the way I choose to do so. I don’t want to have to live my life weighing every decision I make, wondering what next you’ll find to blame me for.”

  She tugged on the door handle, only to discover it was still locked. “Let me out, Wade.”

  He ignored her as he quietly said, “The only thing I do blame you for is choosing to spend your life alone, miserable, instead of taking a chance. I’m sorry, Nicole. I don’t know how many more times I’ll have to say that before you can forgive me.”

  Tossing him an angry glare, she said, “I had forgiven you. More the fool me. I came back here to try to give things a second chance. If I wanted to be alone, I would have stayed in New York. And that’s exactly what I should have done. Maybe I should thank you for that little trip to Smokies. It certainly brought me back to my senses.”

  “Is there anything I could say that would explain that?” he muttered, speaking more to himself than to her. “If you came back to try this again, then why not go ahead and try?”

  “Because you proved to me that it would be a waste of my time, Wade. You’re not worth wasting any more time on. You were right about that, after all. You are not worth it. No man who does what you just did is.”

  “What in the hell did I do that was so terrible?” he asked, refusing to think of what he had been planning to do, get her to admit how she felt, and then walk away. “I didn’t make you any promises. And you knew my house had been sold. You should have assumed what I up to.” Snagging her chin, he made her face him. “And you can’t say you weren’t willing.”

  “Why should I lie?” she asked, shrugging her shoulders. “You’re right. I was willing. And I should have known better than to think it was all going to end happy-ever-after. But this is a better ending, anyway. Now we both know where the other stands. I know that you’ve turned into a using, lying womanizing bastard. You know that I’ve turned into the bitch who only looks out for number one.” She tossed him an icy glare and said, “Now, let me out of this damn truck, get off my damn mountain, and out of this damn town. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

  Silently, he thumbed the lock mechanism, all the while, staring at her with sad eyes. As she started to slide out of the truck, he spoke. Unable to stop herself, she froze, and listened. “I am sorry, Nikki. Sorrier than you will ever know. And I hope you’re making the choice that’s the best for you, the one that will make you happy.

  “I hope you don’t regret sending me away. We didn’t have a choice last time. I took that away from us with my stupidity. We had a choice this time. And it looks like you’ve made yours.” He stretched out his arm, brushed his thumb across her lip.

  “Be happy, Nikki. That’s all I want for you.”

  Moments later, her back pressed against the door, Nikki started to shake. Gravel crunched outside as Wade turned his truck around, heading down the mountain. And out of her life.

  Be happy.

  Did he have to go and say things like that? Things that made her think? Made her doubt her decisions?

  Was she doing what was right? What was best?

  When was the last time she had ever really been happy?

  Had she been asked that question a few days earlier, she wouldn’t have known the answer. Not since before Jason had died, for certain. And maybe not even while he had been alive. In some part of her heart, she had always been mourning Wade.

  But now, she knew the answer. For just a few hours yesterday, she had been happy. Peaceful and content, wrapped up in Wade’s arms, back before she had started thinking again.

  That entire time hadn’t been about second chances, but about good byes.

  How could he have done that?

  She had to give him credit. It had been clever of him to get her in the middle of no man’s land, where they couldn’t be interrupted, where there were no reminders of the past. He had to have known that all he needed was a little time to wear her down.

  And had he ever.

  Blowing a lock of hair out of her eyes, she remembered those heated minutes in the cab of his truck. He had all but blinded her with the heat, something she had suppresse
d, but hadn’t forgotten. And again in the cabin, several times throughout the night.

  Now the only thing she could think was that it was highly unlikely that she would ever feel that way again.

  She had told him about Jason, relieving herself of that heavy burden that had been weighing her down. She hadn’t even realized how guilty she had felt until it was all over. She had expected the anger, had thought herself prepared for it.

  She hadn’t expected him to blame her, though.

  Wearily, she pushed away from the door. In her office, she kept her back to the computer. She couldn’t think enough just yet to concentrate on writ­ing. Instead, she selected a book from the shelves, curling up on the couch.

  Put him out of your head. Put the entire mess out of your head.

  Wise advice, certainly. With an effort, she opened the book and started to read. She hadn’t even gotten past the first paragraph when it slipped from her hands and she buried her tear drenched face in her arms.

  Chapter Twelve

  Three months later…

  A warm early summer breeze drifted past, catching the ends of her hair and tugging at them playfully. As she sat next to the grave, knees drawn up to her chest, Nikki stared at the pale gray headstone.

  This was the first time she had come here in over a month. Slowly, she had come to realize that it had become an obsession with her. Forcing herself to stay away had been her therapy. It had been harder than she had expected at first, and then it had been so much easier than she could ever had hoped. The grief that weighed upon her like a stone was lessening, bit by bit, day by day.

  Running a hand over the closely cropped grass, she closed her eyes.

  Her baby wasn’t there. Not anymore. He was beyond where she could reach him and in a better place than this. A place where broken hearts and broken families were unknown, a place where rage, misery and betrayal didn’t exist.