Protecting Her Heart

by Chance Carter

I kept repeating those words to myself, over and over again, and I finally allowed the tears to fall as I climbed onto the train.

  Chapter 22

  Oliver

  “Are you serious?” Kyra cocked her eyebrow at me, running her finger around the rim of her water glass. She was on some new fitness regimen and had turned down the wine.

  I nodded.

  “Yeah, I am,” I replied with a shrug. “Is it that much of a surprise?”

  “Does this poor, unsuspecting woman know you want to settle down with her?” she teased.

  She was taking this better than I expected, but then, after Mona had practically chased her out of the office for me, this couldn’t have come as that much of a surprise.

  “I think so,” I replied, relaxing. “And look, you know, I had a great time.”

  “Save it.” She held her hand up. “No hard feelings, seriously. As long as you pick up the check.”

  “Oh, I see how it is.” I said, laughing and finished up the scotch I’d ordered myself to take the edge off.

  It was never easy breaking up with somebody, and I was more inclined to just let the relationship burn out on its own, but this time it was different. This time, I needed to tie up all my loose ends. This time, there was someone to end all the relationships for.

  I waved the waiter over to pay, glad that this meeting had been relatively painless. Kyra was last on my list, and now that I had finished things with her, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Almost there.

  “Can I ask who she is?” she asked as I handed the waiter my credit card.

  “I can’t tell you,” I admitted.

  “Well, just invite me to the wedding then.”

  She got to her feet, and I did the same. She planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

  “Thanks for making this easy,” I said into her ear.

  “Thanks for paying for the drinks,” she said into mine, and with that, we parted ways.

  I gave her a little time to get ahead of me before I followed her out of the bar where we’d agreed to meet and inhaled deeply the cool air outside. I felt free. Well, almost.

  It had been two weeks since I set about ending all the friends-with-benefits and semi-dating situations I had going on with women across the city. I wanted to be with Mona and no one else, once and for all, and the only way I could do that was to make sure there was nothing that could get in the way of it.

  All the women I had split with seemed to have taken things relatively well. I didn’t get any martinis tossed in my face, which I had to admit was a relief. Now, I was officially free and single, except for Mona.

  She’d been a little distant in the last couple of weeks, now that I thought of it. I hadn’t put it down to much, considering her responsibilities had stepped up at work, but she was spending less time at my place and we spent most of our time together at the office these days. It wasn’t the most romantic setting, but at least I still got to see her.

  She had been ill lately, dashing off to the bathroom fairly often. We hadn’t really had sex, apart from fooling around a few times. The two times she’d slept at my place, she’d flipped over and put her back to me, a far cry from the way she usually draped herself over my body while we were in bed together.

  Maybe she was just feeling a little distant because we had less time to spend together? Well, when she found out what I’d done for her, that was going to change. I just had one more person to tell about us before I went to Mona and let her know what I’d done, so that we could be together publicly and officially.

  I made my way back to the office, glad I’d had the scotch, even though it was barely past two. I knew meeting with Neil was going to be a nightmare, and I probably could have used another couple of drinks to get up the nerve to explain all of this to him.

  Although, a slurring, hammered me wandering into that office to tell him that all the suspicions he’d had about me and Mona were true was hardly going to make things more palatable. I would just have to face up to what was happening like a man.

  I arrived back at the office, walking from the bar nearby so I could sober up a little and go over in my head everything I wanted to say. The last thing I needed was to walk in there and trip over my words, coming across as a fool.

  I needed to be calm, collected, and deliver the news to Neil in the least confrontational way possible. I knew that whatever I said, it was going to end in a fight, so I might as well at least approach the situation with a calm disposition.

  I took the stairs up to Neil’s office, a decision that proved to be a mistake, as I wound up out of breath and red-faced as I waited outside his office while he finished up a phone call. I paced back and forth in an attempt to release all the nervous energy.

  This was hellish. Of all the people to tell, I knew Neil was going to be the least understanding, and I was dreading his reaction.

  The door opened, and Neil smiled at me warmly and gestured for me to come in.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

  He sat down behind his desk and clasped his hands in front of him, looking at me expectantly.

  “Now, what can I do for you? Is it about the Masterson thing? Are they having second thoughts? Because I thought about this, and-”

  “No, it’s not about them,” I interrupted before he could get too far. “It’s something personal.”

  “Okay. You need my advice?”

  He cocked his head at me curiously and I shook my head.

  “Your blessing.”

  His face indicated he’d figured out what I was going to say next.

  “It’s about her, isn’t it?”

  He leaned forward, his voice dropping to a low, venomous tone that made me jerk back in surprise.

  “Mona?”

  “Yeah, it’s about her,” I admitted, ignoring my natural urge to deny it. “I want to be with her.”

  “Oh, you do?”

  He threw his hands in the air in frustration, the movement sudden enough to make me jerk back with surprise. “I thought you promised me nothing was going to happen with the two of you.”

  I pressed my hands together, trying to center myself.

  “Yeah, I did, and I’m sorry I lied to you,” I said as I met his gaze steadily. “But things change. Things changed between us.”

  “When did this start? Was it London?” he asked me angrily. “I knew something was different, but I didn’t want to make assumptions, not when you told me on the fucking phone that nothing was going to happen.”

  “Yeah, it started in London,” I admitted firmly. “We slept together, and we kept doing it when we came back.”

  “I’m surprised you were able to keep it quiet for so long.”

  “We wanted to make sure it was sustainable,” I replied, choosing my words carefully.

  “Oh, same as it was with Jeannie?” he shot back. “You do remember what happened with her, don’t you?”

  “Of course I do,” I assured him, “but it’s different.”

  “Yeah, I don’t see how it is.” he spat, getting to his feet and pacing back and forth. “Because to me, it looks like you just fucked your secretary again, after promising me you wouldn’t.”

  “I know, I know.”

  I ran my hands over my face, hiding briefly before I dove back into it.

  I wasn’t used to arguing with Neil. We usually found ourselves on the same team, and being set against him was awkward and uncomfortable.

  “So what’s different this time?” he demanded, regarding me with incredulity. “Explain it to me, because I can’t figure it out.”

  “Jeannie wanted something more than I could give her,” I explained, as calmly as I could. “You know I wasn’t looking for that with her. That’s why she got obsessed, because she thought I was.”

  “And you’re looking for that now? With Mona?” Neil raised his eyebrows.

  “I know how it sounds,” I admitted.

  “Yeah, you should,” he shot back, sharply. “Do you remember we had to p
ractically bribe her to convince her not to file a harassment suit against us? Do you remember? Because I sure as fuck do. Do you have any idea how bad it could be if Mona decides she wants to pull the same thing?”

  “She isn’t going to, Neil, I promise.”

  I tried to assure him, but I knew I wasn’t being as forthright as I needed to be.

  “And how exactly are you so sure of that? We had to get a restraining order against Jeannie, lest you forget. I had a hard enough time keeping that out of the papers. If you try and pull this shit again-”

  “I’m not pulling any shit,” I finally snapped back at him. “I’m…I’m in love with her, alright?”

  The words hung in the air between us, heavy and thick with meaning. Neil stared at me for a moment, his mouth hanging slightly open.

  “Are you kidding me?” he asked, and I wasn’t sure if it was resignation or indignation in his voice.

  “No, I’m not,” I replied, shaking my head.

  I was as surprised as he was at the words coming out of my mouth. I hadn’t even thought about that before now, but there it was. I’d said it aloud, and it felt right. Of course I was in love with her.

  I swallowed and got to my feet so I could look Neil in the eye.

  “I want to be with her, Neil, and I’m doing you the favor of letting you know before someone else does, okay? We’re together now. That’s the end of it.”

  “Holy shit, Oliver.”

  He shook his head and took a seat, as though he couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.

  “You’re sure you are in love with her?”

  “I think so.” I nodded, then swiftly corrected myself. “I know so.”

  “Fuck.” He shook his head. “Well… I can’t do much to stop you then, can I?”

  “Nope,” I agreed, and he looked to the wedding band on his finger.

  He’d been married for what felt like forever now, and I wondered if he was thinking back to when he had first fallen for Jennifer, how certain he’d been.

  He sighed heavily.

  “Get out of here,” he said, waving his hand. “Out! I need some time to think.”

  “About what?”

  “About how we’re going to spin this in the press.”

  He looked up at me out of the corner of his eye and I could see the beginnings of a grin appearing on his lips.

  “Thanks, Neil,” I said, and I knew that was all that needed to be said on the matter.

  I headed down the corridor and back into the elevator. If it hadn’t been full of people, I would have pulled a freeze-frame air-punch, because all of this felt unreal.

  I made my way back to my office and glanced at the door that divided Mona’s office from mine, smiling fondly.

  Now that Neil was out of the way, there was nothing keeping us from being together for real, at last.

  Chapter 23

  Mona

  I sat in my living room, staring at the package I’d picked up from the drugstore a few minutes earlier. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. It felt ridiculous. It felt impossible. It felt so unlikely, but there was no getting out from under the fact that my period was several days late when, normally, I was as regular as they came. That could only mean one thing.

  I tried to calm myself. There were lots of reasons my period could be running late. It could be hormonal, or it could be that I’d been stressed lately and not getting as much sleep or food as I perhaps should have been. It could have been any of those things, and yet, ever since I’d got the idea in my head, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was, in fact, pregnant.

  It was the kind of story they deliver as a cautionary tale to people getting into the business. Recent graduate who doesn’t know any better lands a low-level job at a prestigious firm. She hooks up with the boss, multiple times. She lets herself fall for him, despite telling herself over and over again that there’s nothing serious going on between them. She gets pregnant and has to give up her career for the baby she will undoubtedly raise by herself.

  Ugh, it all felt like such a mess, and I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to wander so blindly into this predicament.

  When I arrived home, Katya was there, dawdling around before she headed off for her shift for the day. She eyed me with suspicion, and it was clear she could see there was something wrong.

  “What’s up?” she demanded, and I looked up at her with my finest, innocent expression.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, look at you.”

  She waved her hand in my general direction.

  “You look like hell.”

  “Well, thanks,” I teased, my voice a little shaky.

  She was right. If anyone got up close to me, they could see the bags under my eyes from all those nights spent tossing and turning in my bed and the rumpled state of my clothes. I’d failed to keep on top of my cleaning because it had just seemed like way too much, on top of everything else. But the way I looked was the last thing on my mind.

  “You know what I mean.”

  She took a step forward, examining me.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Don’t you have a shift to get to?” I pointed out, hoping she would take the hint, but she had never been good at that.

  “I can be a little late,” she said. “Seriously, is there something you want to talk about?”

  I’d opened and closed my mouth, trying to form the words, but I just couldn’t do it. What would I say to her? That she was right about Oliver, that I ended up with nothing but a broken heart to show for my troubles, and now maybe a baby too?

  “Oh, honey.”

  She leaned over and gave me a quick hug.

  “If you don’t want to talk about it now, how about when I get back from work? I’ll bring us some beers and we can relax and catch up.”

  “No beers,” I replied quickly. “Uh, thanks, but I think I’m going to get an early night tonight, so I won’t be up when you get back.”

  “Okay.” She looked me up and down again. “But try and relax, right? Actually, get some rest. You’ve been spending far too much time at work lately.”

  “I guess,” I offered weakly in response.

  “Though, with good reason, huh?”

  She nudged me playfully, and I managed a half smile. It seemed to be good enough for her.

  “Okay,” she announced. “I’m out of here, but I’ll see you soon.”

  She pecked a quick kiss on my cheek and ducked out the door. I crumpled to the floor as soon as she was gone. It felt as though my legs had been ripped out from beneath me, my entire body just giving in to gravity.

  I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t handle any of it. I hated feeling this way, so helpless and pathetic. I spent my whole life building myself up to be this powerful, in-control woman. Now, here I was, sitting on the floor of my apartment, trying to psyche myself into taking a pregnancy test. I was lying to my roommate about how heartbroken hooking up with my boss had left me because I was still too stubborn to let her know she was right.

  I felt tears begin to fill my eyes and dashed them away angrily with the back of my hand. No, I didn’t get to feel sorry for myself like that. I was a grown woman with a life and decisions I had to make, and besides, I didn’t even know for sure if I was pregnant yet.

  I knew one thing, though, and that was even if I turned out not to be pregnant, I would still have to deal with the fact Oliver was seeing his other women. I was just one in a rotation, a meaningless distraction that he could smuggle into work, right underneath everyone’s noses.

  No wonder he wanted to keep things quiet. If he’d let me talk about it openly, it might have gotten back to one of the fancy women who he actually took out on dates.

  I could see why he wouldn’t want to fuck that up. He would probably go on to settle down with a woman like that, and I’d be nothing more than a notch on his belt, one of his secretaries who he’d fucked because he could.

  Maybe I’d be
the one desperately calling his new assistant, warning her of him while she did her best not to let her incredulity show through the phone. How many had there been before me and Jeannie? Were we both just part of a long line of women who had worked for Oliver who he liked to lord his power over and fuck?

  The thought made me physically ill – unless it was just morning sickness. Fuck.

  I grabbed the bag that contained all the stuff I’d picked up from the drugstore. I didn’t want to look too obvious, so I picked up some other items too. Overturning the paper bag, some q-tips, tampons, and the big, pinkish box containing the pregnancy test fell out onto my lap.

  I brushed everything else aside and picked up the box. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, forcing myself to my feet and making my way to the bathroom slowly, as though I could somehow put this off if I just prolonged the inevitable.

  I stepped into the bathroom, took a deep breath, and did what I had to do. I perched myself on the edge of the tub and stared intently at the small strip of plastic in my hands, the one that would determine what my future was going to look like.

  I had never even thought about having a baby before this. I was pretty sure I wanted kids, but I didn’t know if I wanted them now, and I knew for certain I didn’t want to be raising them without knowing their father was at least going to be a part of their life, even if he wasn’t with me.

  With Oliver so invested in the business and all the women he had in his orbit, why would he bother doing more than the bare minimum when it came to this child? But maybe…

  As I waited for the pregnancy test to declare my fate, one way or the other, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit. What if it was different? What if we were actually… together? Would he want this baby?

  He was so much older than me. Surely, if he’d wanted to settle down, he would have done it by now. Nothing I could do was going to change that, but maybe he’d just been waiting for the right time and the right person. Maybe he would want the baby. It was possible, wasn’t it?

  I flipped the pregnancy test back and forth in my hand. The sound it made as it slapped against my hand distracted me a little. I tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling, the bright light burning my eyes and blurring my vision. I didn’t want to see the results. Did I want it to be negative or would I be disappointed that I wasn’t having Oliver’s baby.