The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  ‘Hi guys’ I said ‘have you had a nice day?’

  ‘Dad made us tidy the bedroom’ Kate said sulkily while still hanging on to me.

  ‘Well it did need a bit of tidying up’ I said.

  ‘We wasn’t allowed to have sausages’ Ben moaned sounding as if his heart was broken.

  ‘You can’t have sausages every day Ben. So what did you have?’ I said still unable to move or close the door.

  ‘We had chicken nuggets and macsparony’ Ben said gloomily.

  ‘Macaroni you dimwit’ Kate said.

  ‘That’s what I said’ Ben shouted at his sister finally letting go of my knees.

  ‘No you didn’t’ Kate shouted back as she also let go of me.

  I retrieved my key finally and closed the front door.

  ‘That sounds like a nice tea’ I said diplomatically.

  ‘It was sgusting’ Ben said.

  ‘Oh’ I said unable to think of any peace keeping platitudes that might negate the disgustingness of macaroni and chicken nuggets. ‘And where’s your father?’

  ‘He’s mending the lawn mower. He told us to go away’ Kate said clearly not enamoured with him or his instruction.

  ‘And we didn’t get no pudding’ Ben said.

  ‘Oh Ben’ I said picking him up. ‘You poor old thing.’

  ‘I didn’t get one as well’ Kate said not wishing to be left out and hugging me again.

  ‘Come on let’s see if we can find you both a yogurt or something’ I said walking toward the kitchen as best I could with a clinging Kate still hanging on to me.

  The children’s half-finished plates of food were still on the table so having put Ben down I quickly removed them and all traces of the ‘sgusting’ meal to the cupboard top next to the sink. Luckily I’d bought only yesterday a six pack of yogurt corners as a treat, so I let them both choose which flavour they wanted and settled them at the table with instructions to Kate to help her brother if he needed it, and then I went out to the garden to find Martin.

  ‘You’re home then’ he said barely looking up from his crouched position over the mower.

  ‘Mm I am. What’s wrong with it?’ I said referring to the mower.

  ‘Clapped out piece of junk’ Martin said standing up and looking at the mower in disgust.

  ‘I did tell you it was playing up last week.’

  ‘It was all clogged up with dried grass when I got it out. I told you, you have to clean it before you put it away’ Martin said finally looking at me. ‘That’s probably what killed it.’

  ‘Or you could just mow the grass yourself, and clean it up afterwards yourself instead of leaving me to do it all the time’ I said.

  Martin threw me a look of contempt that implied the idea was ridiculous and bent back to his task.

  ‘Have the children been good?’ I asked hoping a change of subject would improve his mood, although why I was trying to cheer him up was a bit of a mystery as it should have been him that was trying to make me happy. ‘Kate said you made them tidy their bedroom.’

  ‘Yes that’s right I did’ Martin said accusingly.

  ‘Right’ I said slowly not sure what I was being accused of exactly.

  ‘When I was helping them get dressed this morning Ben stood on a bit of Lego, not surprising really as there was stuff everywhere including the Lego tipped out all over the floor, and screamed the place down. That was after he’d already thrown a fit because we didn’t have any Weeto’s but apparently you’d said he could have them for his breakfast.’

  ‘They must have got the Lego out this morning before they came downstairs’ I said defensively and carefully avoiding the issue of the Weeto’s.

  ‘It’s about time they started tidying up after themselves’ Martin said.

  ‘They’re only three and five years old’ I argued.

  ‘And they wouldn’t eat their dinner tonight so I told them no pudding.’

  ‘Oh’ I said. ‘Well I didn’t know that, I’ve just given them a yogurt each.’

  ‘What! Why did you do that?’ Martin said standing up again.

  ‘Because I didn’t know you’d told them they couldn’t have a pudding.’

  ‘Well you must have seen their half-finished plates on the table’ Martin remonstrated.

  ‘Yes I saw them. I just assumed you couldn’t be bothered to clear up’ I said.

  ‘I could be bothered but I told them no pudding until they’d finished their dinner and that the plates would stay there.’

  ‘What forever you mean, until mould started to grow?’ I said sarcastically.

  ‘No not forever, but I said if they wouldn’t eat their dinner tonight they could eat it in the morning for breakfast.’

  ‘For one thing I didn’t know any of that, and for another I don’t think they’d find chicken nuggets and macaroni any more appetising after being left out all night than they did when you dished it up.’

  ‘They need to learn to eat what they’re given’ Martin said righteously.

  ‘Like you do you mean when I give you broccoli?’

  ‘That’s different you know I hate that stuff. Anyway the point is what’s the use of me telling the children something if you’re going to come straight in and say something else?’

  ‘How can I put this so that you’ll understand’ I said carefully. ‘I’m not a mind reader and I didn’t know what you’d said.’

  ‘Um plates still on the table’ Martin said acerbically. ‘Bit of a clue I’d have thought.’

  ‘Well as usual you thought wrong’ I said as I turned and marched away from him back indoors.

  I scraped the plates I’d left on the side and washed them up then I cleaned the table, which was no easy task what with the remains of this morning’s orange juice all dried up and sticky that Martin hadn’t cleaned up properly and the odd blob of yogurt that had missed its target. Kate and Ben had remained unnaturally quiet the whole time sensing that something was amiss and rightly or wrongly that they might have something to do with it.

  ‘Let’s watch a DVD’ I said brightly. ‘What do you fancy?’

  ‘Up’ they both shouted at once.

  ‘Yes silly question really wasn’t it?’ I said laughing. This was the latest favourite and if I’d thought about it for even half a second I’d have bet a million pounds that it would be the DVD of choice. Personally I was fed up with watching ‘Up’ good though it was, and had seen it so many times now I could have recited the whole thing word for word from memory as no doubt Ben and Kate could.

  I took a last glance at Martin through the window and saw that he’d managed to get the mower going again and was wearily pushing it back and forth over our scrubby bit of grass that we laughingly called a lawn.

  The children and I watched the movie laughing at all the same bits that we always laughed at; Bens favourite was Alpha with his silly voice, closely followed by Dug and the big bird and Kate’s of course was the old man’s wife Ellie.

  When the film had finished I tidied away all the toys in the living room and the three of us went up to the bathroom. I let them go in the bath together for once which nowadays was a bit of a squash and there wasn’t much washing going on, but they enjoyed themselves splashing about and I ended up nearly as wet as they were. After a short story each they settled down to sleep and I silently congratulated myself on my peace-keeping skills that amazingly this time seemed to have paid off. As I quietly backed out of the bedroom Kate said ‘is Daddy still in a bad mood?’

  ‘No he’s alright, I expect he’s a bit tired that’s all’ I whispered back.

  ‘Are you still angry at him?’

  ‘I wasn’t angry I . . . no I’m not angry anymore I was probably a bit tired too’ I said. ‘You get to sleep now and I’ll see you in the morning.’

  Downstairs I made myself a cup of tea then took it with me back to the bathroom and soaked in the bath for the next half hour or so until the water started getting cold. I dried myself and wrapped up in my cosy pyjama
s and dressing gown went back down to the kitchen.

  I looked out of the kitchen window, the sun had almost set and Martin had finished mowing the lawn but now was nowhere to be seen. In light of the conversation we’d had I just hoped for the sake of his health and life expectancy that he’d cleaned the mower before putting it back in the shed.

  A used saucepan, the grill left open and the butter left out along with a dirty plate in the sink told me Martin had made himself beans on toast. Cheers Martin I thought as I began tidying up again, thanks a lot.

  I made myself egg on toast and sat in solitary splendour while I ate. I could hear the television blaring away in the next room and surmised he was staying out of my way. Well fine, two can play at that game I thought.

  I washed up my things and without bothering to say goodnight went up to bed.

  7

  On Sunday morning I came downstairs to find Martin sitting in the kitchen. I switched the kettle on that Martin had only recently used it so it didn’t take long to boil again, made myself a cup of tea and sat down opposite my estranged husband.

  ‘You’re up early’ I said.

  ‘I’m sorry Sophie’ Martin said.

  ‘Did you sleep on the settee?’ I said ignoring his apology.

  ‘Yes’ he said.

  ‘Have you had any breakfast?’

  ‘I’m really sorry; I don’t blame you for being mad at me.’

  ‘Only you didn’t have much for dinner last night and I expect you’re hungry. I know I would be if I’d gone all day without a break and then didn’t even have a proper meal when I got home’ I said heavy with sarcasm.

  ‘I know I should have cooked dinner, I shouldn’t have shouted at the kids or at you about the mower. And I definitely shouldn’t have gone down the pub with Lenny on your birthday. D’you forgive me?’ Martin said as he reached out to hold my hand.

  ‘You’re lucky I’m talking to you at all’ I said moving my hand out of the way.

  ‘Come on Soph I said I was sorry.’

  ‘You don’t deserve to be forgiven’ I said moving my hand back again.

  Martin grabbed my hand and smiled at this small crack in my armour. ‘Thank goodness’ he said. ‘I don’t think I could have survived another night on the settee.’

  ‘What’ I said as I snatched my hand away again. ‘All this is so that you don’t have to sleep on the settee?’

  ‘No I didn’t mean that, I’m really sorry it’s got nothing to do with the settee’ Martin said panicking.

  ‘Really’ I said standing up.

  I started to load the washer, anything so that I wouldn’t have to carry on sitting there.

  ‘I am sorry. I don’t know why I said that about sleeping on the settee’ Martin said looking distraught.

  ‘Yeah nice try’ I said. A little bit of me felt sorry for him, but a bigger bit thought he was getting everything he deserved.

  Ben and Kate noisily barged their way into the kitchen at that moment so there was no opportunity for Martin to make anymore apologies. I gave them each a cup of juice and asked Ben to please try and not spill it today.

  Kate sat down and looked at me and then at Martin and sighed and I knew she knew that we were still angry with each other; she was a smart little cookie that daughter of mine, sometimes a bit too smart. Ben though was completely oblivious to any tension in the air; clearly he took after his father.

  An hour later we’d all had breakfast and got dressed and I’d hung out the washing. Ben and Kate for once in their life forgoing the pleasure of watching telly were running round the garden dodging in and out of the damp clothes on the line and kicking up the dried grass that the mower hadn’t picked up.

  ‘I thought we’d make a start on doing our bedroom today’ Martin said.

  ‘Did you?’ I said unhelpfully.

  ‘But only if you want to. We could at least go and get the paint.’

  ‘I suppose.’

  ‘Have you decided what colour you want?’

  ‘Pink’ I said knowing Martin hated pink at least on the bedroom walls.

  ‘Okay’ he said and straight away went out to the garden to tell Ben and Kate we were going out.

  Two minutes later Martin and Ben came marching back in chanting an adapted version of their war cry. ‘Ben Ben we are men, we never cry, we never lie, we do DIY till the day we die.’ Kate followed rolling her eyes as usual whenever her father and brother were indulging in as she saw it such childish behaviour, and I rolled my eyes back at her in a ‘I know what you mean’ way.

  Ben and Martin carried on chanting all the way to Frost’s, our local DIY and builders merchants, as much I suspect so that Martin wouldn’t have to make conversation with me as it was to keep Ben happy, and Kate spent the entire journey looking out of the car window pretending she wasn’t in any way associated with either of them.

  Frost’s was cavernous, a huge aircraft hangar of a place filled with row upon row of every possible thing anyone might ever need to decorate, extend, or even to build a house from scratch. It was a sad reflection on the lack of excitement in our family life to say that Ben and Kate loved coming here, but they did. Why they enjoyed it so much was a complete enigma to Martin and me as for us it was always a bit of a chore, but they whooped for joy at the mere suggestion of it and today was no exception.

  ‘Now don’t go wandering off’ I sternly told them both as we walked through the entrance. ‘If you got lost in here I might never find you again.’

  ‘Yes Mum’ they both said contritely.

  We headed straight for the paint section and were immediately bewildered by the vast array of colours and types of paint. I lingered by the various shades of pink on offer, even picking a tin up at one point but it was only to aggravate Martin and test his compliance to my choice in the matter, actually I didn’t want a pink bedroom either.

  We ended up choosing a predictable cream colour that if the truth be told we knew we would settle on regardless of any flights of fancy with pink or blue, or any other colour come to that. Of course it had to be just the right shade of cream, not too yellow and not too pink and decided on one called Cappuccino.

  ‘I need the toilet’ Ben said wiggling around.

  ‘Okay we’ll pay for the paint and then I’ll take you’ I said.

  Martin picked up two tins of Cappuccino silk emulsion and we started looking for the nearest till.

  ‘I really need to go’ Ben said trying to walk with his legs crossed.

  ‘Okay but you’ll have to wait a minute’ I said distractedly.

  Martin spotted a till and we all walked towards it. Naturally there was a queue, I mean it was Sunday and this was a DIY shop, so we waited.

  ‘Can we go to McDonald’s after?’ Kate said.

  ‘I suppose so; we’ll have to go anyway to take Ben to the loo. Um . . . where is Ben?’ I said looking around but Ben was nowhere to be seen.

  The queue edged forward and I started calling Ben’s name. A couple of the other people in the queue also started looking without actually moving and the lady behind us said ‘he’s probably hiding and thinks it’s funny, mine used to do that to me all the time’.

  I left Martin in the queue with strict instructions to Kate to stay with her Dad and I widened my search still calling Ben’s name, at this point I was beginning to get frantic. I walked back towards the paint section but couldn’t see him anywhere and then walked back to the queue again where Martin had finally reached the front and was paying.

  ‘I can’t find him’ I said now thoroughly distraught.

  ‘He can’t have gone that far’ Martin said taking the receipt from the girl on the till. ‘Maybe he’s gone back to the car.’

  ‘Oh God he’ll have to cross the car park.’

  ‘Right you stay here and keep looking, I’ll check the car and drop off this paint’ Martin said.

  ‘Kate you stay with me’ I said grabbing her hand.

  Kate and I walked slowly back and forth across the wid
th of the shop and I scanned the aisles while Kate still holding on tightly to my hand started crying.

  Martin came back shaking his head so I knew even before he told me that Ben hadn’t gone back to the car. One of the staff came over to see if everything was alright and I garbled a hysterical rendering of my small son’s disappearance.

  Just as they were about to put a message out over the PA system another of the staff came to ask if it was a small boy about three years old that we’d lost.

  ‘Yes, yes have you found him?’ I asked frantically.

  ‘I think so’ he said. ‘Come with me.’

  We all followed him to the furthest side of the shop where the bathroom displays were and there was Ben standing next to one of the toilets, his trousers were round his ankles and he was studiously trying to flush the unconnected lavatory again and again but without success.

  ‘Oh Ben’ I said rushing over.

  ‘I didn’t wet myself’ Ben said proudly.

  ‘Oh Ben’ I said again hugging him close.

  ‘I think this toilet must be broken’ he said still pulling on the handle. ‘It won’t do a flush.’

  ‘Thank you so much’ I said over Ben’s head to the young man who’d found him. I pulled up Ben’s trousers and picked him up vowing I’d never put him down again and looking down at the toilet bowl added ‘I’m really sorry about this’.

  ‘Don’t worry’ the young man said glumly ‘it happens all the time’.

  ‘You shouldn’t have gone to toilet in the middle of the shop Ben’ I said.

  ‘But I was busting’ Ben said

  ‘Yes but these toilets aren’t for going to the toilet in.’

  Ben looked at me as if I’d gone completely mad and said ‘you said I had to go on the toilet now I was a big boy’.

  ‘Sorry’ I said again to the Frost’s young man and quickly started walking towards the entrance with Martin and Kate following.

  By the time we got outside in the fresh air Martin was laughing so much he could hardly speak.