The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  I laughed to myself knowing all that was never going to happen, but it was a nice daydream.

  Once we’d finished our tea and juice we followed the signs and walked the fairly short distance to the Sea Life centre where there was quite a large queue waiting, but as we’d booked on line we were able to bypass it and go virtually straight in.

  We visited everything starting and ending with the penguins in their arctic setting. Tyler liked the sharks best and Kate liked the big turtles and everyone liked the 4-D cinema. Amazingly no-one got lost, no-one fell out with anyone else, and as far as I could tell everyone had a good time and as we walked through the ocean tunnel Kate and Caitlin held hands slightly scared and weirded out by all the water above their heads, and Ben stuck to his new best friend Tyler for rescue from drowning should it be necessary.

  Feeling redundant Paul and I trailed behind and smiled at each other at how well our children were getting on together. ‘I’m so glad you came’ I said. ‘I’d have struggled on my own.’

  ‘I’m glad I came too’ he said. ‘This is a pretty amazing place isn’t it?’

  ‘We were supposed to be going to the safari park but Martin needed the car.’

  ‘Did you ask him about that girl he was with?’

  ‘Yes I did and he said she was his best mate Lenny’s girlfriend’ I explained.

  ‘Was she, then what was she doing out with your ex?’

  ‘According to Martin, Lenny had got her pregnant and then denied all responsibility which knowing Lenny is not completely beyond the realms of possibility, and apparently she was upset so Martin was cheering her up and helping her.’

  ‘And do you think all that was true?’ Paul asked.

  ‘I don’t know it could be I suppose, but that’s certainly not how it looked is it? You’re a guy you tell me, did Martin look like someone who was cheering his best mate’s ex-girlfriend up?’

  ‘Oh I don’t . . . I mean I don’t even know Martin so . . . he could have been I guess’ Paul said uncertainly.

  ‘Exactly’ I said.

  ‘Did he ask about me?’ Paul asked feigning nonchalance.

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘And?’ Paul queried hesitantly.

  ‘And there was nothing to tell was there? I said we’d only just met and that you were a friend.’

  ‘And he believed you?’

  ‘Why shouldn’t he, it was the truth wasn’t it?’ I said. I didn’t want to tell Paul what Martin had really said it would only have given him ideas.

  ‘I quite enjoyed playing the part of your boyfriend’ Paul said which made me give him the look, you know the one that says ‘oh really’ and he quickly added ‘I said playing the part’.

  ‘Was Joanne alright about you taking the children out today with me?’

  ‘Actually I didn’t mention you’ Paul admitted.

  ‘Was that wise? Aren’t Tyler and Caitlin going to talk about Ben and Kate not to mention me when they get home?’

  ‘Mm didn’t think of that. I’ll say I met you by chance when we got here and we walked round together.’

  ‘And if they talk about the train journey?’

  ‘Erm . . . um . . . I’ll say . . .’ Paul hedged, and I thought to myself he’s not that clever then. ‘Well we’re divorced it’s not really any of her business who I see or not, and she can’t really say anything after sleeping around when we were still married can she?’ He said.

  ‘No, but she might have something to say about who her children spend time with.’

  After we’d said a final goodbye to the penguins everyone decided they were hungry, well starving is what they actually said so we went to a nearby café place for a meal before heading back to New Street station and our journey home.

  Ben was just as excited on the train home although a little less exuberant now that he’d tired himself out, and he sat with Tyler instead of me this time and made no fuss at all when we had to get off at our station.

  I thought about inviting Paul and his children back to our house but decided against it; although Paul had insisted we were friends and nothing else I wasn’t so sure, and anyway how would he explain that to his ex-wife?

  30

  On Friday all Ben and Kate could talk about was their day out and while I tried to get on with things they had their Nemo DVD on while they played in the front room. It had been a toss-up between that and The Little Mermaid but Kate was still a little sensitive about her under the sea crab performance and Ben’s impromptu starring role, so Nemo won.

  Everything was going well until the washing machine decided to stop, no warning, no dodgy mechanical grinding sounds or anything of that nature, just stop and that was it. No matter how many buttons I pressed, or how much I swore at it nothing moved and no lights flashed; of course it was still full of water and the only thing that infuriatingly continued to work was the door lock.

  At first I just wanted to get the damn thing working again, but when it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen all I wanted was to get the washing out and I’d worry about whether the washing machine could be fixed later. After pressing every button and twiddling every dial I finally hit upon the right combination that allowed me to open the door which of course promptly released all the water straight on to my feet and all over the kitchen floor. It was at that precise moment that Martin decided to grace us with his presence.

  For once in his life assessing a situation correctly and the need for help, he pitched in straight away and helped me mop it all up while telling Ben and Kate who’d come to see their dad to stay out of the way until we’d finished. The sodden clothes got tossed straight onto the draining board cheek by jowl with the drying breakfast dishes, and eventually between us we managed to clean up. Then while I went to change my jeans and shoes he put the kettle on.

  When I came back downstairs the floor was almost dry and a mug of tea was waiting for me on the side. I grabbed the tea gratefully and sat down opposite Martin at the table. ‘Not that I’m not grateful but why are you here?’ I said.

  ‘I came to see if you needed me tomorrow, only I wasn’t sure with you being off work and . . .’

  ‘No I don’t need you but you can still see Ben and Kate if you want to, maybe take them out somewhere.’

  ‘Out? How do you mean out?’ Martin said looking puzzled.

  ‘I mean out as in taking them out somewhere for the day, or the afternoon.’

  ‘Oh . . . well where would I take them?’

  ‘I don’t know wherever you liked as long as it’s safe and they’re happy’ I said slightly exasperated that Martin needed this explaining to him.

  ‘I could take them to my mums I suppose.’

  ‘Yes I suppose you could.’

  ‘D’you think they’d like that?’ He queried looking worried.

  ‘Yes probably but I think they’d rather spend some time with their dad, you know having fun just you and them together.’

  ‘Oh . . . well I could take them to McDonald’s they like going there. But I don’t see why I have to take them anywhere; can’t I just spend time with them here like always?’

  ‘No Martin you couldn’t’ I said emphatically.

  ‘Why not what’s so different about this Saturday, I’ve been looking after them on a Saturday ever since you went back to work?’

  ‘Yes exactly I’ve been at work, but this Saturday I won’t be at work I’ll be here.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So we’re getting a divorce, you don’t live here anymore. We can’t spend a day playing happy families and then go straight back to splitting up again.’

  ‘Well we could’ Martin said as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

  ‘No we couldn’t, I couldn’t. You chose Lenny and Spain over your wife and children, and now by all account’s you’ve chosen Lindsey. You can’t just bounce backwards and forwards whenever the mood takes you.’

  ‘I did not choose Lenny, and I haven’t chosen Lindsey either.’

&
nbsp; ‘Oh right why have you dumped her as well, she’s not having a lot of luck with her men is she?’ I said feigning concern.

  We glared at each other and luckily, or maybe unluckily, Ben and Kate came out to see their dad and find out why they’d been barred from the kitchen. ‘It’s okay’ I said. ‘You can come out now; we just didn’t want you standing in all that water while we were trying to clear it up.’

  ‘Daddy we went to the Sea Life centre’ Kate said as she rushed over to give Martin a hug.

  ‘And we had to go on the train’ Ben said.

  ‘Did you?’ Martin said looking at me for confirmation to which I nodded and smiled uneasily. ‘Did you have a good time, what did you see?’

  ‘We saw Paul and Tyler and Caitlin’ Kate said.

  ‘Did you?’ Martin said knowingly and automatically putting two and two together and making five. ‘Would this be the same Paul that you barely know and weren’t going out with?’ He added looking straight at me questioningly.

  ‘Yes it would’ I said ‘and I know him a bit better now and before you ask me no I’m still not going out with him.’

  ‘But you spent the day with him? Is that why you want me to take the kids out for the day tomorrow so you can be with him?’

  ‘Are we going out somewhere tomorrow Daddy?’ Kate asked excitedly.

  ‘Can we go on the train again?’ Ben said.

  ‘No we’re not going anywhere, I’m coming here to look after you like always. If your mother wants to see her ‘friend’ then she’ll have to go somewhere else because I’m not taking you two out so that she can . . .’ Martin said angrily and I stopped him before he could get any further with his sentence.

  ‘I’m not seeing Paul or anyone, and no-one’s coming here’ I insisted vigorously.

  ‘Mm if you say so’ Martin sneered.

  ‘I do say so. But if you won’t take the kids out somewhere for the day I’m not spending it here with you. I’ll go to my mum’s, if that meets with your approval of course.’

  ‘Go ahead’ Martin said shrugging his shoulders in fake indifference.

  ‘Why are you here Martin?’ I asked nastily.

  ‘I told you to see if I was looking after Ben and Kate tomorrow.’

  ‘No what I mean is I thought you had a private job for a month, don’t tell me it’s all fallen through?’

  ‘No it hasn’t fallen through, I was on my way to pick up supplies and I thought I’d stop off to see about tomorrow’ Martin said pedantically.

  ‘Well now you’ve got your answer haven’t you?’ I said. ‘So if that’s all . . .’

  Martin glared at me again and then smilingly said to the children ‘I’ll see you tomorrow kids’ as he got up to leave.

  When he’d gone Kate said innocently ‘why was Daddy so angry?’

  ‘I don’t think he was angry, I think he was just a bit upset that he’d missed out on coming to the Sea Life centre with us yesterday’ I said.

  ‘Oh, well maybe we can go again and Daddy can come with us next time.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Poor Daddy having to stay at his friend’s house’ Kate said.

  ‘Yes poor old Daddy’ I said.

  ‘Are we going on the train again?’ Ben said excitedly.

  ‘No Ben we’re not going on the train again’ I assured him.

  ‘Tyler could take me’ Ben said hopefully.

  ‘I don’t think Tyler . . .’ I started to say but Kate interrupted.

  ‘When can I see Caitlin again?’ She said.

  This was all getting a bit out of hand, I was pleased of course that Ben and Kate had gotten on so well with Paul’s children but the last thing I wanted was for it to become a regular occurrence, at least I think it was the last thing I wanted.

  In the dream la-la land life whether Paul and I got it together or not Ben and Kate would stay friends with Tyler and Caitlin. They’d share their divorced parent state and all the associated problems. In time they’d phone each other a lot and be friends on Facebook. Tyler would be a big brother figure and role model for Ben, and Caitlin and Kate would be BFF’s and maybe go to university or college together. In years to come they’d all meet up and laugh about the day they met on a trip to the Sea Life centre in Birmingham and how they all thought something would come of mine and Paul’s friendship.

  No I thought, nice bloke though he was I was not going to end up with Paul. Our children might stay friends but the likelihood was if I didn’t see Paul then Ben and Kate wouldn’t see his children, maybe if they’d all been a bit older they could have been friends but that would mean I’d inevitably have still had to see Paul and I wasn’t sure that was such a good thing. I liked him but not in that way. Time for a bit of diversionary tactics.

  ‘I thought we might visit the pet shop this afternoon’ I said.

  Occasionally when we were in that part of town I’d take the kids to wander round the pet shop and look at all the baby rabbits and hamsters, the budgies and the goldfish, and in particular the guinea pigs which were Ben and Kate’s favourites. It was like a zoo for baby domesticated animals and the children loved it. Of course they’d always come away asking if they could have one of the guinea pigs and Martin and I always said no that they weren’t old enough to look after a pet. But desperate times call for desperate measures and taking the flack over the ‘no pets’ rule was better than taking the flack over pushing me to spend time with a bloke I didn’t particularly fancy and who could get totally the wrong idea about our so-called friendship.

  ‘Oh can we?’ Kate said giving me a hug. ‘And can we get a pet?’

  ‘No we’re just going to visit and see if they’ve got any new baby rabbits.’

  ‘I want a penguin’ Ben said.

  ‘A penguin? I don’t think they’ll have any penguins’ I said bemused by the idea and wondering why Ben would come up with such a random choice.

  ‘He means like the ones we saw yesterday’ Kate said.

  ‘Oh’ I acknowledged. That made more sense now that my five year old had explained it to me. ‘Sorry Ben but no penguins I’m afraid.’

  ‘Okay’ Ben said resignedly.

  ‘Right you two, now shoo for a bit while I sort out this washing and get lunch ready.’

  I phoned our local washing machine repair man Steve, who’d rescued me before on a couple of occasions from washing machine misery and who hopefully would be able to work his magic again, and he said he’d be round in the morning.

  I rinsed out the soggy mess of clothes rescued from the piece of junk masquerading as a washing machine by hand, and as it was raining again spread everything out on the clothes airer indoors. I hated when we had to have washing all over the kitchen and even more so when it was still dripping but I didn’t really have a choice. I suppose I could have pegged it outside anyway despite the downpour and hope for better weather this afternoon and at least it would have got an extra rinse in the rain, but given the state of the environment nowadays it would probably smell a bit and suffer from all that pollution and acid rain.

  The trip to the pet shop was . . . let’s go with interesting. From the kids point of view it was a resounding success but from my point of view not so much. I still can’t quite work out how it happened. One minute we had the no pets you’re not old enough rule firmly in place, and the next we were the proud owners of two guinea pigs named Gordon and Gory who the pet shop lady assured me were both female.

  We’d started well and had lingered by every cage, hutch, and run that the pet shop had on display and gone all soppy over the new baby rabbits they’d had in since the last time we came, in particular the lop eared ones which were my favourites, and then we’d moved on to the guinea pigs. They were all so cute with their funny little serious faces, some with long silky hair, and some with splodges of black like a piebald guinea pig if there is such a thing, and one with what I can only describe as a Mohican. And then there was Gordon; of course at that point in the proceedings she didn’t yet have a nam
e but Gordon was who she was destined to become.

  Gordon with her scruffy punk-rocker hairdo that I later learned were called rosettes sat slightly apart from the other guinea pigs, whether by choice or because she’d been ostracised by the guinea pig ‘Better Grooming Association’ only she knew. And it was this apartness that drew Kate’s particular attention to her, well that and the wild coiffure.

  ‘Oh Mummy look at that little one sitting all on his own, he looks so sad’ Kate said.

  ‘I like his hair’ Ben said grinning.

  ‘Perhaps that’s why he’s sad’ I jokingly said.

  ‘But that’s terrible he can’t help how his hair looks, can’t someone brush it for him?’ Kate said worriedly.

  ‘I don’t think you can brush it out that’s just how it grows, it’s supposed to look like that’ I said.

  Kate leaned over the edge of the run and tentatively stroked the guinea pig with the tips of her fingers, and it obligingly made a warbling cooing sound. ‘Oh Mummy he needs someone to look after him, can’t we take him home with us?’

  ‘No Kate I’m sorry but you know the rule, maybe next year when you’re a bit older’ I said.