The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  Thinking about how awful it must be to learn that your husband had been cheating on you for who knew how long, and that some other woman was having the baby that you’d always wanted and that your husband had said you couldn’t have, made me think about Martin. Was he really seeing Lindsey, or was he telling the truth and she was one of Lenny’s ex’s?

  Somehow despite appearances to the contrary I couldn’t quite believe that Martin had been seeing someone behind my back. On the other hand his story about taking her out to dinner to cheer her up didn’t ring true either; I mean he wasn’t a bad person he wouldn’t hurt anyone but he was hardly the sensitive caring soul he was trying to portray was he? Most of the time he was pretty useless at that sort of stuff and if you needed a bit of looking after you had to laboriously spell it out for him and practically tell him straight out that’s what you needed. But by all accounts compared to Claire’s Robert he was practically a saint, even if it was a fairly clueless one.

  34

  When Julie dropped Kate off later that afternoon after collecting her from the play scheme Kate rushed straight out to the kitchen to see Gordon and Gory. After checking with me first and getting the go-ahead she and Ben lifted the guinea pigs out of the hutch and sat on the floor with them giving them a fuss. It made a welcome change to the usual after school routine of Ben and Kate arguing over the remote while I cooked tea. Now they sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and I stepped over legs and dodged round small furry pets while I cooked tea, so maybe not that welcome a change.

  ‘How was the play scheme and how was Oliver?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh he’s alright’ Kate said dismissively as she helped Gordon manoeuvre her way round the tangle of legs, human and table.

  ‘I bet he’s missed you’ I said.

  ‘Mm’ she said.

  ‘Did you have a falling out?’ I ventured. Clearly something wasn’t quite right.

  ‘No’ Kate said thoughtfully.

  ‘So you’re still friends then?’ I said stopping what I was doing to actually look at my daughter and try and gauge what was going on.

  ‘Yes we’re still friends but . . . well he was . . . he didn’t seem the same he was a bit silly.’

  ‘Was he, why what did he do?’

  ‘I don’t know, he was . . . he was just . . . different.’

  ‘Oh’ I said. ‘How do you mean different?’

  ‘He just seemed a bit . . . well like a boy’ Kate said still occupied with Gordon and not looking at me.

  ‘Well he is a boy’ I said a bit baffled by Kate’s answer.

  ‘I know, it’s just that he kept saying things and pushing me.’

  ‘Yes boys do that especially when they like you a lot.’

  She looked at me as if I was mad but I shrugged and said ‘I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either but it’s what they do’.

  ‘It was very annoying, Tyler didn’t do that’ Kate said.

  ‘Ah Tyler’ I said beginning to see the light. ‘Well Tyler’s a bit older than Oliver.’

  ‘Mm . . . yes . . . I think Oliver is nice and everything and I still like him but . . .’

  ‘But you like Tyler more’ I said.

  ‘He’s very nice looking don’t you think?’ Kate said hesitantly and finally looking at me.

  ‘Yes he’s very nice looking’ I said diplomatically and turned back to the sink to carry on getting tea ready so that Kate couldn’t see my face and guess what I was thinking.

  I was caught between shock that my infant daughter could be so fickle, I mean it was enough of a jolt that she had those sorts of feelings for a boy at all at her young age never mind switching those affections two minutes later to someone else, and laughing to myself at the dilemma she found herself in having been so smitten with Oliver and now seemingly having a crush on the more grown up Tyler. I remember feeling like that and trying to understand it all, except that I was quite a bit older when it happened to me for the first time.

  I decided to leave the subject alone for the time being. If Kate bought it up then fine but it was probably best if I didn’t push it.

  On Tuesday it was back to work and back to the early morning scramble that going to work entailed. I was missing the car and the convenience of leaving at the last minute instead of having to juggle everything round the bus time table, however this morning and for the rest of this week anyway I’d get a lift from Julie when she picked Kate up.

  We dropped Ben off at nursery and Kate, Oliver and Max at the play scheme and then headed straight for town and the daily grind. ‘So how was your week?’ Julie asked once we were on our own.

  ‘Good and bad. We went to the Sea Life centre, I got the kids school uniform and shoes, and on Friday we adopted two guinea pigs.’

  ‘Guinea pigs? Well good luck with that, we had a couple of hamsters for a while that the kids adored for all of about two weeks and then got bored with, and that I had to clean out and look after for the next two years. But well done you on the school uniform front, I’ve still got that chore to get through. So how are things with Martin?’

  ‘The same’ I said.

  ‘Same you’re falling apart, or same good riddance and you’re managing on your own?’

  ‘Um . . . bit of both.’

  ‘It’ll get better in time’ Julie said sagely.

  ‘Yeah I guess’ I said.

  ‘And how’s Paul?’

  ‘He’s alright as far as I know.’

  ‘As far as you know?’ she queried as we pulled up at the back of ‘Cut and Dye’.

  ‘Yes as far as I know he’s fine’ I said a little too assertively.

  ‘Okay he’s fine’ Julie said contritely and raising her eyebrows at my defensive tone.

  We let ourselves into the shop as Julie had the keys; Greg was off for the week sunning himself at his villa in Marbella, and with no-one around to tell us not to we went straight out the back for a cup of coffee.

  Di arrived and after a quick hello to both of us immediately launched into ‘agony aunt’ mode, or should that be ‘gossip column’ mode, by telling Julie and I how much Paul had enjoyed his day out at the Sea Life centre with the children, his and mine, and asking when we were going to do it again somewhere else?

  ‘You didn’t tell me you went to the Sea Life centre with Paul’ Julie said.

  ‘Didn’t I?’ I said all innocence.

  ‘No you didn’t’ Julie said accusingly.

  ‘Oh yes’ Di said to Julie still full throttle on the gossip thing. ‘Paul phoned me for Sophie’s number and the next thing I know they’ve arranged to take their kids out for the day.’

  ‘I see, and Paul’s alright as far as you know is he?’ Julie mocked.

  ‘Look it was no big deal, I’d planned to take Ben and Kate anyway and Paul said it was difficult to take his children anywhere on his own, so I suggested he came with us that’s all’ I said defensively.

  ‘Dianne why didn’t you tell me all this last week?’ Julie said.

  ‘It just slipped my mind, it was Friday or Saturday, I don’t know we were busy and I just didn’t’ Di said.

  ‘Yeah not that busy’ Julie admonished. ‘So what happened and when are you seeing him again? Does Martin know?’ Julie quizzed me excitedly.

  ‘Nothing happened not in the way you’re trying to imply anyway, and we have no plans as such to see each other again. And yes Martin does know’ I said. ‘Can we change the subject now please?’

  ‘Well what did he say; I bet he wasn’t happy about it?’ Julie said shrewdly.

  ‘No not very’ I said.

  ‘Huh tough cookies. That’s just typical, he can take some bimbo out for a meal and flaunt it in your face but you can’t take your children out somewhere for the day’ Julie said indignantly.

  ‘He didn’t exactly flaunt it, actually he was mortified that I’d seen him’ I said.

  ‘Caught him you mean, talk about caught in the act’ Julie scoffed.

  ‘He said it was a girlfriend
of Lenny’s who was upset because Lenny had dumped her and he was trying to make her feel better. Apparently she’s pregnant and Lenny doesn’t want to know’ I explained.

  ‘What! He said what?’ Julie exclaimed going almost hypersonic in her outrage.

  At that moment Mrs Driver put her head round the doorway and asked if we were open yet.

  ‘Of course’ Julie said immediately switching on her ‘dealing with a customer’ voice. ‘I’ll be right with you’ she said smiling sweetly, and Mrs Driver pulled her head out of the doorway and walked back into the main part of the salon. ‘You know this place would be a lot nicer to work in if we didn’t keep having these constant interruptions all the time’.

  Di and I smiled at each other in agreement of Julie’s absurd but nonetheless accurate assessment and followed her out of the stock room.

  We weren’t too busy for a Tuesday, and business was always a bit slow during the school holidays with it being difficult for the mothers of young children to get their hair done while their kids were around all the time, but after having a week off it seemed busy enough to me.

  Mrs Fairchild, she of the unsuitable red hair and then the bleach blonde hair, decided she wanted low-lights put in. The bleach blonde was too stark she said, made her look a bit washed out and didn’t look natural. You don’t say I thought to myself, but of course I didn’t say that to her.

  Ginny Swanson bought her youngest son Andy in for his first haircut which was traumatic, for him at least, and he kicked and screamed the whole time he was in the chair. Privately I thought he was a spoiled little brat and could do with some serious discipline and maybe one or two of us should hold him down while I cut his hair, but publicly I smiled benignly at Ginny and made some fatuous remark about what a little rascal Andy was while I nursed my bruises.

  Carol from the bakers came in for a trim in her lunch hour and while I was attending to her who should walk in but Lindsey, the same Lindsey that Martin was seeing, or not seeing depending on whether he was to be believed or not. Julie who’d just finished with her client side eyed me and walked over to her, but Lindsey said she wanted to wait for me if that was alright. No I thought it’s not alright is she mad, what’s she playing at I couldn’t help wondering, I mean if you were the other woman would you ask your boyfriends ex-wife to do your hair?

  I lingered over Carol’s trim for as long as I dared hoping that Lindsey would give up and leave, but she didn’t. Julie leaned over and whispered to me ‘do you want me to get rid of her? I’ll tell her we’re too busy’.

  ‘No it’s alright’ I said.

  After taking Carol’s payment and booking her in for another appointment I turned my attention to Lindsey and flashed my best plastic reserved for customers smile at her. I walked her over to my chair and still smiling tied one of the pink capes round her shoulders as she sat down. ‘What would you like done today?’ I said to her reflection.

  ‘I don’t really want my hair done; actually I came to talk to you about Martin. Well maybe just a trim then’ she said. ‘I don’t want to get you into any trouble with your boss.’

  ‘I’ll get the junior to give you a shampoo’ I said ignoring the reference to Martin.

  ‘I know you think I’m seeing Martin and I came to tell you that you’re wrong, we’re not seeing each other.’

  ‘You’re not?’ I sneered. ‘So you being out in a restaurant with my husband was all in my imagination was it?’

  ‘No I was out with him, but it wasn’t a date or anything like that’ Lindsey said earnestly.

  So far our little exchange had all been carried out in the mirror while I stood behind her, but now I moved round and faced her properly. ‘Really? Well if it wasn’t a date what was it then?’

  ‘Martin was just trying to cheer me up’ Lindsey said.

  ‘Did he ask you to come here and say that?’

  ‘Oh no Martin doesn’t know I’m here’ she said worriedly. ‘I offered to explain to you on the night you saw us together and again afterwards but Martin said I should leave it and that you could think whatever you wanted to, but I thought you ought to know the truth.’

  ‘Did you?’ I scoffed. ‘Now why on earth would you want to do a thing like that, what difference does it make to you what I think or whether I believe him or not?’

  ‘I just . . . it’s just that . . . well Martin’s a nice bloke and he’s been . . . I mean he is quite upset that you saw us together and . . .’

  ‘Yes I expect he is upset, I expect he’s spitting chips that he got caught out’ I said.

  ‘But you’ve got it all wrong’ Lindsey insisted.

  ‘Have I? So you holding his hand and kissing him was just a friendly gesture was it, with him being such a nice bloke and all?’ I said sarcastically.

  ‘I know how it must have looked but you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m going out with Lenny, or at least I was’ she said her eyes glistening as though she might start crying at any moment. ‘I told him I was pregnant, Lenny I mean, and he laughed. He said it couldn’t possibly be his but I knew it was, is his. I started crying and pleading with Lenny but he just got angry and then he stormed out and said I’d better be gone by the time he got back. Martin said Lenny would come round once he’d had time to think about it, that it had all been a bit of a shock, and that’s when your Martin asked me to go for a meal. He was just trying to make me feel better that’s all it was.’

  ‘Oh really, and the hand holding and kissing, what was that?’

  ‘It wasn’t what you thought. When Martin saw you out with that bloke he . . . well he was gutted actually, then he got really angry and I was just trying to . . .’ Lindsey said earnestly.

  ‘Mm nice try, I don’t know what your little game is or quite what you get out of all this, but you were holding his hand and gazing into his eyes before Martin saw me with Paul.’

  ‘He was telling me how much he missed you and the children that’s why I was holding his hand’ she said beginning to lose her patience.

  ‘You must really think I’m dumb if you think I’m going to believe that load of codswallop. You go and play your little games with Martin or Lenny or anyone you like, but leave me out of it. And just so you know Martin couldn’t care less about me, or you I suspect, all he’s bothered about is whether bloody Lenny is alright.’

  ‘But you’re wrong’ Lindsey said passionately.

  ‘No I’m not wrong; I believe I know my husband a little bit better than you think you do. Now if you don’t want your hair done I have some real customers waiting that need my attention. I think you should go now’ I said assertively as I removed the pink cape and stood back to let her get up.

  ‘Okay I’ll go, but please think about what I said. Martin’s not interested in me he loves you.’

  As Lindsey left the shop I suddenly noticed how quiet it had gone and how everyone had been hanging on every word we’d said.

  In the dream life my cool unflappable reaction to mine and Lindsey’s little exchange elicited a round of applause from everyone who’d witnessed it. I’d modestly go slightly pink and take a small imperceptible bow and Lindsey would slink off with her tail between her legs. Martin would be angry with Lindsey for coming to the salon and talking to me and would immediately dump her. He’d sigh and think how he’d misjudged me and that I wasn’t the soppy pushover he’d thought I was, I was a strong independent woman who could manage all too well without his pathetic attempts at being the family provider and protector.

  In the real life once Lindsey had left everyone looked slightly embarrassed and quickly resumed whatever they were doing while avoiding any possibility of eye contact with me, and I ran out to the back room so that no-one could see me crying.

  35

  I don’t know why Lindsey’s visit to the salon upset me so much. On the face of it she hadn’t said anything nasty, in fact quite the reverse. She’d said she wasn’t seeing Martin, she’d said she thought Martin was a nice bloke but there was nothing going on between th
e two of them and that he loved and was missing me. I should’ve been ecstatic, but somehow I wasn’t.

  After I‘d been over the conversation for the millionth time in my head I came to the conclusion that either Lindsey was pathetically naive and she’d fallen for whatever bullshit story Martin had given her in his attempt to get off with her, or he’d bleated on feeling sorry for himself and she’d got the idea that I was the villain of the piece and was foolishly trying to play guidance counsellor to save our marriage.

  I reasoned that if she was lying then Martin deserved to live with Lenny and good riddance, but why would she lie what could she possible get out of it? And if she was telling the truth why was she telling me that Martin loved me and missed me and the children, why wasn’t he telling me that himself? If she was telling the truth how could he poor his heart out to her and not to me?

  I soldiered on all week with my emotions going up and down like a yo-yo while doing my best to avoid any conversations or interrogations from Julie and Dianne on the subject. What I wanted to do, in fact the only thing I felt capable of doing was to pretend none of this was happening and just live from day to day, moment to moment; any long term thinking was just too difficult.

  Kate had her last day at the play scheme and was quite philosophical about it. She’d stayed friends with Oliver but any romantic notions she might have had at the beginning had well and truly bitten the dust. On Friday night after I’d read her and Ben their bedtime story and Ben had fallen asleep she said ‘I don’t think I want to be best friends with anymore boys’.

  ‘Okay’ I said warily not quite sure which way to jump with this sweeping statement.

  ‘They’re alright I suppose but they’re very annoying’ she said reflectively.

  ‘Yes they can be’ I said.

  ‘Is that why you sometimes get angry with Daddy?’

  ‘Mm sometimes it is.’

  ‘I’m never getting married’ she said adamantly.

  ‘Right’ I said sagely as if I totally understood her resolution. ‘Well see how you feel when you’re a bit older you might have changed your mind by then.’