The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  ‘Can I go and see him?’ Kate said.

  ‘No’ I shouted quickly and a bit too loudly. ‘It’s too busy you might get lost’ I said a little quieter.

  Ben and Kate carried on waving and shouting but with everyone around us doing much the same thing to their own friends and acquaintances Martin continued not to notice us.

  In the dream life Martin would look over and see his abandoned wife and children and then look at the floozy he’d come with and be mortified at his own behaviour, and especially that his children had witnessed it. He’d push Lindsey away and fight his way through the crowds desperately trying to reach us and eventually he’d succeed, but we’d be too hurt to want to talk to him and Kate would say ‘why don’t you love mummy anymore?’ Martin would say ‘but I do, I love all of you’ but Ben and Kate would turn away and Ben would say accusingly ‘you hurt my mummy’.

  Back in the real world Ben and Kate continued to shout and Martin continued to be completely oblivious of them, and I sighed wistfully and felt thoroughly sorry for myself.

  I could hear music in the distance that heralded the arrival of the carnival parade as it got nearer and everyone turned their attention in that direction in anticipation, except for me; I carried on watching Martin with Lindsey willing him to look over but not wanting him to at the same time.

  It seemed like twenty minutes but was probably only two before the first float came into sight. Ben and Kate squealed their excitement as one float after another slowly drove past and now that my view of Martin was obscured my thoughts were wrenched back to the children.

  There seemed to be more floats this year than in previous years and as usual some were absolutely amazing, but there were more than a few that were ‘seriously, is that the best you can do?’ Each one was playing its own music so that between floats you could hear a mixture of both songs which jarred slightly, and each one was accompanied by its own group of gyrating dancing girls rigged out in elaborate garish costumes the flamboyant colours of which clashed disastrously with the floats before and after. And yet somehow it all successfully melded together and added to the Summer Carnival ambiance.

  Last of all was the ‘Frozen’ float sponsored by our local freezer supplier which made me laugh even if the kids didn’t get the joke, and of course they were loudly playing the ‘Let it Go’ song. This was the float Ben and Kate had been waiting for along with most of the crowd surrounding us judging by the enthusiastic reception it received, and everyone it seemed knew the words and were gleefully joining in making it feel like being in the middle of a humongous karaoke sing-along. For a minute it felt as if the whole world was telling me I should let it go and for a brief second or two anyway I thought they were probably right.

  As soon as the last float had safely passed and the music was wafting into the distance the marshals that had been positioned along the route to hold the crowd back relaxed their vigilance and allowed us all free reign to wander wherever we wanted. Of course after all my attempts at bribery Ben and Kate wanted not so much to wander as to make a bee-line straight for the hotdogs and milkshakes, so we fought our way to the nearest food stand.

  After queuing for what felt like forever and clutching our well-earned goodies we managed to find a seat, well it was a sort of a seat perched on the low wall that surrounded the council house offices.

  Julie and Chris with Max and Oliver spotted us from a distance across the crowds and walked over to say hello. Oliver gushed his enthusiasm at seeing Kate but Kate went all coy and bashful presumably because the rest of us were watching, but I did wonder if she was quite as ‘over’ Oliver as she thought she was; I mean no-one reacted that way unless they cared a little bit did they?

  We talked about the floats for a few minutes and all agreed that ‘Frozen’ had undoubtedly been the star of the show and the ‘Wild West’ float had definitely been the lame duck. Then out of nowhere, or more likely because we were all so preoccupied and hadn’t noticed, Paul appeared with Tyler and Caitlin and Kate went into meltdown.

  The grownups of our little group discussed all over again the merits or otherwise of this year’s parade mostly for Paul’s benefit, meanwhile Tyler with not the slightest idea that his presence was causing such a disturbance for Kate said ‘hello’ to her but his attention was mostly taken up with talking to Ben. Kate though had blushed madly on the instant Tyler arrived and now couldn’t look anyone in the eye, a detail not unnoticed by Oliver who straightaway began roughhousing Kate in an attempt to claim her attention. Julie told him to ‘stop it and behave himself’ and Oliver did stop but then sulked at being told off in front of everyone, to which Kate understanding only too well how embarrassing it was to be told off by your mother in front of your friends went and stood next to him and commiserated on the unfairness of life in general and parents in particular. Hmm I thought, I’m not so sure Kate is finished with Oliver, seems to me that she still likes him quite a lot despite having a bit of a crush on the good looking Tyler.

  Julie’s eldest son Max made no secret of the fact he was bored and impatient to move on, so Julie and Chris reluctantly said they’d better go or they’d never hear the end of it and dragged an even more reluctant Oliver away from Kate. ‘Have a good time’ Julie said meaningfully as she flicked her eyes at Paul and winked at me unsubtly. I smiled at Paul hoping he hadn’t noticed, but judging by his broad grin I’m fairly certain he had.

  As we waved goodbye to Julie and family and they disappeared into the crowds Ben and Kate asked, or should that be complained that they wanted to look round at everything as well. ‘Shall we join forces?’ Paul suggested.

  ‘Okay’ I said, but only because I couldn’t think of any polite way of getting out of it.

  We walked for a while and fell automatically back into the Sea Life centre set up where Tyler paired up with Ben, and Caitlin walked with Kate, leaving Paul and I to bring up the rear. ‘So did you go to the air show?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes we did go and I hope you don’t mind but after you said no I asked someone else, someone from work’ Paul said.

  ‘Oh no of course I don’t mind. Did you have a good time?’

  ‘The kids enjoyed it and I think Kerry did’ Paul said.

  ‘Does Kerry have children?’ I asked.

  ‘She has a son about the same age as Caitlin.’

  ‘Well that’s wonderful’ I said and meant it. It was wonderful that Paul had met someone else although by the sound of it he already knew this Kerry from his work, but it was great that he was moving on from his ex-wife not to mention moving on from me; that is if he ever really had any serious intentions towards me.

  ‘Actually she said she might be here this afternoon so you’ll be able meet her; well assuming we find each other in this crowd, there’s an awful lot of people here.’

  ‘Isn’t there’ I agreed.

  Kate and Caitlin who had been ahead of us came running back to ask if they could have a go on the ‘fishing for ducks’ stand so we all headed in that direction. Last year Kate had been very excited to catch a duck and win a colouring book and some crayons at this stand so was eager to repeat her success. What she hadn’t worked out was that everyone won something, you paid a pound a go but the prizes were probably worth no more than fifty pence each at the most.

  Paul paid for all the children to have a try and with long hooked poles they did their best to catch one of the plastic ducks as they floated round the stand. Ben needed to be lifted up to be able to reach and Paul obligingly came to his rescue.

  While I was busy watching the children getting excited and Tyler who’d worked out that the best prize was number twenty three and was determinedly catching duck after duck and turning each one over to see what number was inscribed on its bottom, the noise of a bit of a scuffle starting at the next stand caught my attention.

  I casually glanced over to see what all the fuss was about and there was a drunken Lenny arguing with Martin and naturally I was riveted by the sight. As the argument heated
up it became clear that Lenny all the worse for the amount of alcohol he’d consumed had picked up yet another young female companion, and this one looked a very juvenile bimbo indeed only eighteen or so at the most, and he was nastily flaunting the fact in front of Lindsey who had promptly started crying. Evidently Martin had got annoyed with Lenny’s total lack of sensitivity and propriety and had told him to ‘pack it in’.

  ‘What’s your problem, what’s it to you anyway?’ Lenny was saying belligerently as he swayed slightly.

  ‘You’re drunk Lenny, go home’ Martin said.

  ‘I don’t wanna go home, don’t tell me to go home’ Lenny said, and the bimbo giggled stupidly as she hung on to Lenny. Whether it was her holding him up or the other way round was difficult to judge, but either way Lenny groped her indecently right in front of everyone to the bimbo’s faked embarrassment but not very well concealed sniggering delight, and then he leered arrogantly at Martin and Lindsey silently challenging them to say something while his girlfriend readjusted her bra after being manhandled.

  By now Lindsey was a complete mess and crying copiously. ‘You bastard’ she shouted at Lenny. ‘I can’t believe I ever thought I was in love with you.’

  Martin tried to reassure Lindsey but she’d had enough and after giving Lenny and his latest paramour a withering look she practically ran into the surrounding crowds and disappeared from view. ‘She’s right, you are a bastard’ Martin said.

  ‘Piss off’ Lenny said. ‘I’m sick to bloody death of you and your righteous sodding interference all the time. Why don’t you sod off back to your wife . . . oh that’s right you can’t can you cos even she’s had enough of you?’

  Martin bristled at Lenny’s hurtful remark but nonetheless chose to ignore it. ‘How can you treat Lindsey like that, the girl’s having your baby for God’s sake?’ He said.

  ‘Oh grow up, it could be anyone’s.’

  ‘You know it’s not anyone’s it’s yours Lenny, and it’s about time you started taking responsibility for the way behave’ Martin said aggressively.

  ‘And what are you going to do about it? . . Nothing like always that’s what. You never stop bleating on about what I should and shouldn’t be doing all the time, you’ve been a bloody millstone round my neck for years you pathetic moron. It’s only because of me that you had a life at all. You stuck yourself with that stupid wife of yours and them two little brats and tried to preach to me how bloody wonderful it all was and how I should be doing the same, and even when she threw you out all you did was sit around feeling sorry for yourself, you make me sick’ Lenny spat at him.

  At this Martin launched himself at his erstwhile best mate and proceeded to punch him as hard as he could. After an unseemly brawl that of course attracted the attention of everyone within a hundred yard radius some of whom cheered them on and some who tried to stop them, Lenny despite being so drunk landed Martin a punch that knocked him to the floor.

  ‘Now sod off and leave me alone’ Lenny threw at him as he put his arm once again round the current bimbo and together they staggered back to the pub over the road.

  39

  Seeing Martin lying slightly stunned on the ground I instinctively rushed over to see if he was alright, all the while my brain trying to process what I’d just heard and witnessed.

  To say I was in shock would be to seriously understate the confusion I felt and several things occurred to me all at the same time. Lindsey was going out with Lenny and she was having his baby and he had dumped her when he found out, Martin had been telling the truth about that. By all accounts Martin had actually been brooding over our separation; that was news to me, he’d always given the impression he wasn’t really that bothered. But overriding all of this was that Lenny had finally shown his true colours and Martin had punched him.

  As I neared Martin he began sitting up and when he saw me heading towards him he groaned audibly, whether it was because he was in pain or whether it was at the sight of me I couldn’t tell at least I couldn’t tell until he started talking and the first words out of his mouth were ‘what do you want Soph, come to gloat have you?’

  ‘No I came to see if you were alright’ I said but his hostility was enough to make me falter.

  ‘Yeah I’m fine’ he said testily, ‘bit of a dented ego that’s all’.

  ‘Your lip’s bleeding’ I said as I reached down to help him up.

  He hesitatingly put his tongue to his bleeding lip while simultaneously pushing my hand away and standing up unaided. ‘I’m fine no need to fuss’ he said snappily.

  ‘Are you sure, you should probably put something on it?’ I said concerned that he didn’t realise quite how much his lip was bleeding.

  ‘I don’t need anything on it. Leave me alone Sophie.’

  ‘Well come and sit down for a minute at least’ I said.

  ‘Where are the children?’ Martin asked only then realising that they weren’t with me. ‘They didn’t see any of . . . did they?’

  ‘No they didn’t see anything, they’re with Paul at the floating ducks stand’ I said reassuringly whilst automatically looking over to make sure they were still with Paul.

  ‘Oh right’ Martin said dejectedly. ‘Of course they’re with Paul’ he added sneering as he said Pauls name.

  ‘I bumped into him when we got here’ I said.

  ‘Bumped into him did you? Come off it Soph you came with him, I’m not stupid.’

  ‘I didn’t come with him I bumped into him’ I insisted.

  ‘Yeah whatever you say’ Martin scoffed. ‘Well shouldn’t you be getting back to him, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of you and your date.’

  ‘I’ve told you Martin it’s not like that.’

  ‘Yeah you told me.’

  ‘It’s true, there’s nothing like that going on and I did bump into him after we got here, I didn’t even know he was coming today’ I said caught somewhere between pathetic pleading and aggressive outrage that Martin could think such a thing.

  ‘Leave me alone Soph, go back to your fancy man and just leave me alone alright’ Martin said and then he turned away from me and walked off into the crowd leaving me standing on my own.

  ‘Everything alright?’ Paul asked coming up behind me as Martin left.

  ‘Oh yes everything’s just peachy’ I said.

  ‘Was that Martin?’

  ‘It was’ I said morosely. ‘Are Ben and Kate alright?’ I added suddenly panicked when I couldn’t see them.

  ‘They’re fine, look there they are with Tyler’ Paul said pointing.

  As I looked over Kate came rushing towards me holding something. ‘Look at this’ she said sullenly and holding out a see-through plastic egg containing . . . well I wasn’t really sure what it was inside.

  ‘What is it?’ I said looking sceptically at the object being shown to me.

  ‘I won it’ Kate said petulantly ‘on the ducks’.

  ‘Oh that’s good, but what is it?’

  Before Kate could answer Ben ran over clutching a similar plastic egg. ‘Look Mummy I won a alien’ he said proudly.

  ‘An alien’ I said surprised and trying to sound impressed. ‘Wow, an alien in gunk.’

  ‘Can I open it now?’ Ben pleaded excitedly.

  ‘Maybe you should wait until we get home’ I said imagining all that gunk escaping and getting everywhere.

  ‘Kay’ Ben said disappointed that he wasn’t allowed to inspect his treasure there and then.

  ‘Why don’t we put it in the backpack for safe keeping’ I said slipping the bag off my shoulders and unzipping the top.

  With Kate and Ben’s aliens safely stowed away that I suspected were both destined to become Ben’s when we got home as Kate was decidedly underwhelmed by her prize, we carried on fighting our way through the crowds and investigating the rest of the various stalls set up.

  After about an hour of being pushed and jostled and momentarily being panicked every time I lost sight of Ben for more than thirty seconds I’d
had enough, so when Paul suggested we go for a cup of tea somewhere I jumped at the idea. ‘But where though?’ I said. ‘Everywhere’s rammed.’

  ‘Mm . . . let’s go back to the council house; you can hover for a space on the wall and Tyler and I will fight our way through this lot to McDonald’s and meet you in say twenty minutes, depending on the length of the queue.’

  ‘I need the toilet’ Ben said.

  ‘Yes I could use a loo’ I said.

  ‘Okay change of plan, we’ll all go to McDonalds. Those that need to can visit the loo while I queue up. If there’s room we’ll grab a table inside but if not we’ll head back to the council house wall, what do you say?’ Paul said.

  Some twenty minutes later as I came out of the McDonald’s toilet with Ben, Kate and Caitlin and I was scanning the throng at the tills for sight of Paul and Tyler, for a fleeting second I thought I saw Martin out of the corner of my eye. But when I looked properly he’d disappeared or never been there in the first place. I wondered if he’d gone straight back to Lenny’s or in light of their disagreement gone somewhere else to avoid Lenny.

  In the dream life or perhaps that should be the nightmare life, Martin would have nowhere to stay after his argument with Lenny and would end up at his mum and dads and that would mean that neither I nor the kids would see him very often, and definitely not every Saturday. He’d get a job but not one round here and eventually he’d meet someone else. He’d lose interest in the kids and see them less and less often as time went on. He wouldn’t care if I could manage on my own or not, or if I was seeing Paul or anyone else because he’d be too occupied with living his new life. All this time I’d imagined him missing me and regretting that he hadn’t made more of an effort, I never once thought I’d be the one doing the ‘missing’ or the ‘regretting’. He’d fallen out with Lenny which I’d hoped and prayed for and assumed that if it ever happened mine and Martin’s life together would be so much better, but now . . . now ironically that was the very thing that would push us even further apart.