I Won't Be Home For Christmas

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘I remember.’ Vivienne smiled.

  ‘And I asked him why and he said that just because there was no ice, didn’t mean we couldn’t go out and fall over – a laugh was a laugh and a bruised bum was a bruised bum no matter how you got it, ice or skateboard. And he was right.’ She laughed.

  ‘Don’t you worry, girl. There are plenty of Bristol Christmases waiting for you in the future love,’ Ellen reassured her. ‘I reckon even old Michael would get in the mood after a couple of ladleful’s of my famous eggnog and a dance to my Christmas Mixtape under the mistletoe.’

  ‘That’s it!’ Emma bounced and clapped, ‘Elle you are a genius!’

  ‘I know, I have been trying to tell your mother that for years.’

  ‘I know what I am going to do,’ she swallowed, ‘I am going to give Michael a big slice of a Bedminster Christmas, right here in Tutukaka! I will cook the traditional big roast. I can cut up loads of white paper from the shredder to make fake snow. I’ll cover a small space with tinsel and decorations, maybe a gazebo, hidden away in the garden and then I’ll reveal it to him on Christmas morning. I could make Santa’s Grotto! And give him a stack of presents, silly things like chocolate and flashing Santa hats.’ She smiled at her mum and her face lit up, as the ideas burbled from her. To Vivienne, she looked very much like the old Emma and it was good to see.

  ‘Well, you’ve certainly got it covered. And if this doesn’t turn our Michael into a Christmas lover, I don’t know what will!’ Ellen laughed.

  ‘I do love him.’ She ran her fingers over the pretty, white dress that lay flat on the bed and quite unexpectedly her tears fell again.

  ‘Oh, love, look at you!’ Ellen said. ‘It’s only natural to have jitters. I bet you haven’t slept well for a while. It’ll be the excitement and seeing your mum again and all your plans, it must all feel a bit overwhelming.’

  ‘It does.’ She sniffed.

  ‘Why don’t you climb into this big bed and have a good night’s sleep.’

  Vivienne loved the way Ellen spoke to her girl. It was reassuring to know that should anything happen to her, Emma would always have this special relationship to rely on.

  ‘I think I might.’ Emma swiped at her tears. ‘I’ll just go and say goodnight to Gil and Michael.’ She rubbed her eyes and smiled. ‘It’s going to be a lovely day, Mum. I’m having an arbour covered in flowers on the deck and we’re putting the awning up in a day or two, which is where there’ll be dancing. And I have a few other brilliant surprises…’ She bit her lip. ‘I can’t wait!’ She clapped her hands, and sniffed back her tears looking just like a child, trying to be brave.

  ‘Oh, sounds intriguing.’ Vivienne elbowed Ellen, who yawned.

  ‘Tell you what, Viv, reckon my bed’s calling me. I’ve come over all tired.’ Ellen yawned again, as if to prove it.

  Vivienne felt her own mouth stretching as she caught the tiredness that came off her friend in waves.

  Having bid goodnight to their hosts and thanked them for a truly lovely welcome, she slipped into her pyjamas and climbed between the cool white sheets, discarding the wool blanket that had been folded over the foot of the bed – maybe Tessa’s kind thought. She looked forward to meeting her.

  Ellen bounced into her bed, running from the bathroom in the darkness.

  ‘Why are you running?’ Vivienne asked.

  ‘In case a monster grabs my ankles from under the bed.’

  ‘You are not still scared of that, surely?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I be? These fears don’t disappear overnight.’ Ellen pulled the sheet up over her shoulder and wriggled to get comfortable on the unfamiliarly soft mattress.

  ‘Do you remember when you cut the legs off your bed and your mum went mad! I sat on the mattress watching you explain that you were scared of things hiding underneath it.’

  ‘Poor old Mum.’ Ellen sighed.

  Vivienne’s thoughts turned to the woman whose life had been far from easy.

  It was after a silent minute, when their breathing had slowed, their eyes had adjusted to the dark and their ears had become accustomed to the strange night-time sounds of their alien surroundings that Ellen spoke, pulling Vivienne back from the brink of sleep. Used to sleeping in a room alone, she felt herself jolt awake.

  ‘I know you’re worried about her.’

  ‘I am a bit,’ she whispered. There was no point in being anything less than truthful with her friend, who knew her so well.

  ‘But she’s a big girl, and a smart one at that,’ Ellen said, ‘and she’s done more in her little life than we ever have.’

  ‘That’s true, but it’s not her I’m worried about so much as Michael. He seems so cool, not only with us but with her too. Have you noticed how she keeps seeking his approval, like a puppy who’s not getting enough attention?’

  ‘A bit, I suppose, but you mustn’t go looking for things, Viv. If she’s happy—’

  ‘I know. I know,’ she interrupted Ellen. ‘And I might not have travelled like Emma, but I have lived, and I know what it’s like to misplace your trust, to have your stability taken from you.’

  ‘He’s no Ray. I’ve told you that before.’

  ‘I know you have.’

  They lay still in the darkness.

  This time it was Vivienne who broke the silence.

  ‘I trusted him, Elle. I trusted him and he let me down and it changed something inside me, made me doubt everything I thought I knew. And even after all this time, it’s left me with this cold kernel in my gut, so that I never feel properly warm. It’s horrible. I couldn’t understand why I was so different, how it had happened to me. My parents got married and stayed married, happy most of the time, as you know, and I just thought I’d be the same.’ She took a deep breath and lowered her voice. ‘When I was younger, and he had first gone, it felt like there was the possibility that my situation might change. I didn’t feel properly on the shelf, but now, I don’t know… I’m a proper reject.’

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish! You are no such thing. You live the life you choose to live. Things could be very different for you if you had a different head on.’ Ellen’s bed creaked as she turned to face her friend in the darkness across the room.

  ‘I’m not so sure about that.’ Vivienne huffed, slightly offended by the idea that she was somehow closed to the idea of change.

  ‘You don’t even see it.’ Ellen raised her voice. ‘Look at Pedro, he would give his left nut to get to know you better, and he’s lovely and Bob likes him. You should go out with him. We’d get free teacakes for life.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ she snapped. ‘He’s friendly to everyone, not just me, and I am certainly not going to go out with someone just because my dog approves of him or because my loony friend wants a free teacake.’ She tutted and closed her eyes.

  ‘Half a free teacake,’ Ellen corrected her. ‘You always have the other half.’

  8

  Vivienne woke early and felt joy spread through her when she realised that she was in this warm New Zealand paradise and not her dark little bedroom on Mendip Road. She looked down to see that Ellen had slept on the floor. The sight of her friend curled up on the rug made her chuckle; she was far closer to the monsters under her bed than she had been when lying on it.

  She spent an age deciding what to wear. Some of her clothes felt more appropriate for a resort, but this was someone’s home and so she opted for a pair of sage-green pedal pushers and a white short-sleeved T-shirt with a green cotton cardigan slung over her shoulders, just in case. She slipped her feet into her sparkly silver jandals and laughed.

  Emma burst into their bedroom. ‘Morning!’

  ‘Well, you sound a bit brighter today,’ Ellen commented from the floor, where she lay on the discarded blanket and was coming to.

  ‘Why are you lying on the floor, Elle?’ She stared.

  ‘Because I tried to get in with your mum in the middle of the night, but she was having none of it.’ She sat up, trying to fu
lly open her eyes.

  ‘But why didn’t you sleep in your own bed?’ Emma noted the dishevelled sheets across the way.

  ‘Because of the monsters,’ Ellen answered matter of factly.

  ‘Don’t ask.’ Vivienne kissed her daughter on the cheek. ‘How lovely is this? Waking up in the same house as my girl.’

  ‘It is lovely. I woke up so happy today. It feels good to have you both here to muck about with and chat to. I miss the gossip, the giggles, mates!’

  Vivienne felt a flash of sadness at the prospect of having to leave her little girl behind when she left.

  ‘I’m so excited, Mum.’ Emma beamed.

  ‘That’s good, my darling.’

  ‘About everything,’ she added. ‘I have made a few phone calls and reckon my Santa’s Grotto idea is a winner, I’m going to make signs saying “North Pole this way” with a big arrow and really go for it. Michael will love it!’ She clapped her hands together. ‘You know that feeling when you know something and it feels like it might burst out of you, but you can’t let it because it’s a secret and it practically drives you nuts! That. See you outside for breakfast.’ She smiled, and then left the room.

  ‘What was all that about? She’s a bit lively this morning.’ Ellen spoke to the space Emma had occupied only seconds earlier.

  ‘Haven’t the foggiest. See you outside in a bit.’ She left her friend to shower and dress and trod the cool hallway, still marvelling at the size and space of the magnificent McKinley home.

  Walking past the study, she spied Gil sitting behind his desk with his back to the door. He looked at his watch. ‘Yup, thanks, Jack. I’ve got Tessa coming home tonight, really looking forward to that…’ She sped up, not wanting to eavesdrop, even unintentionally.

  Michael was already at the table, tucking into scrambled egg on toast and a pint glass of fresh orange juice.

  ‘Morning, Michael.’ She spoke brightly, determined to try and get to know him in the few days before the wedding. ‘I meant to ask you, are you having a stag do or have we missed it?’ she joked, trying to picture Elle at such an event.

  He swallowed his mouthful and gave a small shake of his head. ‘I had a few beers with my mates from work, but to be honest, it’s not really my thing.’ He still seemed to find it hard to make eye contact.

  ‘Oh, well, it’s a good job you weren’t in Bristol for our Aaron’s then – they stripped him down to his boxers and tied him to a lamppost on College Green, poor love. That was his school mates – lovely bunch, but when they’ve had a few, you’re best to steer well clear.’

  ‘Sounds like it.’ He gave a tight smile.

  Not to be deterred, she tried again as she poured coffee from the cafetière into a spare mug. ‘So are you looking forward to your first Christmas as a married man?’ She tried to gauge just how indifferent he was to the season, knowing that Emma would give him a lovely surprise. She could hardly believe that in just a couple of weeks she would be back home, eating cold turkey in front of the telly and watching the EastEnders special while her little girl would be living the life out here, so very far away. She shook it from her mind.

  ‘I’m working, I’m afraid. There won’t be a Christmas for me. I haven’t told Emma yet, but doubtful I’ll be home between Christmas Eve and the twenty-eighth. We run a skeleton staff at this time of year and as the new boy, I felt obliged to volunteer, but it’s just a day right?’ He shrugged his broad shoulders and angled his fork for more food.

  She struggled to remain composed, knowing how much trouble Emma was going to and more than a little concerned that at this early stage of their love affair, there was so little communication.

  ‘And where is your hospital?’ She pushed.

  ‘Whangarei.’

  ‘And that’s commutable, is it?’

  ‘About half an hour.’ He took another mouthful and switched his attention to his phone.

  ‘Only half an hour? So you could come home for Christmas?’

  ‘It’s not that straightforward, I’m afraid. I have to be on call, in the vicinity and sober, any emergency coming in doesn’t really care that I am only half an hour away, minimum, they need me on site, just in case.’

  Vivienne felt her blood pressure rise. ‘One thing I did want to ask you, Michael: are you looking forward to marrying my Emma?’ She asked this rather more directly than she had intended.

  Michael placed his cutlery on the plate and rested his elbows on the table. He swallowed and held her gaze. ‘I love her.’

  ‘Well that, as they say, is a jolly good place to start.’ She grinned, briefly, and watched her daughter’s fiancé stare into the middle distance as if the answer to her question might lie somewhere out on the blue, blue horizon.

  ‘We work well together,’ he began, ‘and I don’t like the idea of her not being around. We’ve had a lot of fun and I guess all couples probably struggle at some point when making decisions.’ He coughed.

  ‘What kind of decisions?’ She was confused as to where this was heading.

  ‘Oh, you know, a standard difference of opinion. No biggie.’

  Vivienne had no clue as to what the difference of opinion might be. She pulled on all her courage to speak plainly. ‘I want her to be happy, Michael of course and I want you to be happy too.’ She smiled at her future son-in-law. ‘I guess it’s difficult for me, her mum, as I haven’t had time to get to know you or to get to know you and Emma as a couple. It’s all happened so quickly.’ She gave a small laugh to try and smooth any awkwardness.

  ‘It has.’ He lay his phone on the table and looked at her. ‘But they say you just know, don’t they?’

  ‘They do.’

  ‘She is steady and calm. She likes what I like: to stay at home, drink wine, listen to some music, hit the ocean. We have a lot in common and that makes the future feel less daunting, you know?’

  Vivienne nodded, she did know what he was talking about, but not who he was talking about. Steady and calm were the two adjectives she was least likely to use in any sentence when talking about Emma, and as for hitting the ocean? She pictured her little girl going quite hysterical on a trip to the aquarium when she spotted an octopus, and he had been in a tank.

  ‘The wedding will—’ he began.

  ‘The wedding will what? Are you talking about me?’ Emma disrupted the conversation, appearing on the terrace, smiling and with a plate full of crispy bacon and a stack of toast in her hands.

  Vivienne silently cursed the interruption, suspecting that Michael had been about to open up to her.

  ‘I’d better get going. Busy day.’ Michael pushed his plate into the middle of the table and jumped up.

  He kissed his fiancée on the lips and let his eyes linger on her upturned face, as his fingers skirted the side of her cheek.

  ‘Safe journey – precious cargo and all that.’ Emma gripped his wrist, as if unwilling to let him go.

  He nodded at her and raised his hand at Vivienne before disappearing inside the house.

  ‘Where’s he off to?’ she asked, sipping her freshly brewed coffee.

  ‘He’s collecting something for the wedding. Running around, you know. Chores.’ Emma kept it vague, then handed her mum two slices of toast, pre-buttered, which she covered with homemade lemon curd.

  Vivienne’s stomach bunched with excitement. It was really something, to be eating breakfast on this glorious morning with the sun overhead and such a paradisiacal backdrop.

  Gil strolled out, sunglasses nesting in his hair, and took a seat.

  ‘Morning Gil,’ she called.

  ‘For you maybe, but for me this is lunch. I’ve been up for four hours, done the early morning round, put feed and water out and treated a homesick lamb who’s come from another farm, a different breed we are trying out.’

  ‘You make me feel guilty!’ she smiled.

  ‘Don’t, this is your holiday.’ He raised his glass of orange juice at her in a salute. ‘How was your first night on Kiwi soil?’ he asked
with a wide, ready smile.

  ‘Lovely, thank you. I thought I’d feel a bit out of sorts with the time change and everything, but it’s funny, after a good night’s sleep, I’m brand new.’

  ‘That’s good news.’ He clapped. ‘I’m taking the boat out for a bit, doing all I can to get out of any wedding preparations. If I make myself available, she gives me a job to do.’ He smiled lovingly at Emma, who poked out her tongue at him. ‘Would you and Ellen like to come out with me? It’s going to be a beautiful day – feels a shame to waste it.’

  ‘Would I like to do what?’ Ellen asked, arriving resplendent in her navy maxi dress, a very large navy straw hat and oversized sunglasses. She looked lovely. It made a change to see her without the restrictions of layers and scarves to ward off the winter chill of home.

  ‘I was just saying, I’m taking my boat out today, thought I could give you both a sea tour. There’s no better way to get a view of the Poor Knights. And looking back into shore from the sea is something else.’

  ‘What are the Poor Knights?’

  ‘A group of islands about twenty-three kilometres out. The marine life is something else. It’s famous for diving.’

  ‘Is it a big boat?’ Ellen asked.

  ‘Not really. It’s a speedboat, so there’ll be no ice bucket and G & T on the deck, I’m afraid. But it’s great fun for wave hopping and she’ll get you where you need to go very quickly. Thought we might kill the engine and do a spot of fishing?’

  ‘Oh yes, we can grill what you catch for supper!’ Emma sounded like a proper Kiwi.

  ‘You’re ’avin’ a laugh! You won’t get me in a little boat, not for all the tea in China! What happens if you break down or you fall in?’ Ellen looked genuinely worried.

  ‘Well, if you break down, you call for help on the radio, and if you fall in, you get wet. It’s quite straightforward.’ Gil laughed.

  ‘Are you always this laidback about things?’ Ellen clearly couldn’t decide whether this was a good or bad trait of his.

  ‘Pretty much.’ He picked up a stiffened strip of bacon and chewed it.

  ‘I think it sounds lovely…’ Vivienne paused. ‘I’ve never been on a little boat before, and not too many big ones either, come to think of it. If I get seasick, can we come back?’