I Won't Be Home For Christmas

by Amanda Prowse

  She sat back against the cushioned rocker and closed her eyes. ‘You must rue the day you invited us lot into your lovely home. I know you like peace, and we’ve brought nothing but drama. I bet you’ll be glad when we’ve all gone home.’

  ‘Not at all. But I must admit, it’s usually a lot quieter than this.’ He gave a low whistle and Tessa loped from the hallway and came out to sit by his side. ‘There’s a good girl.’ He rubbed her silky ears with his wine-free hand.

  ‘Ah, makes me miss my Bob. He’s my companion of an evening. We sit in front of the telly and I chat to him.’

  He nodded. ‘We do the same, but instead of the telly, I look at that.’ He pointed at the vast canopy of stars above them. ‘I never get sick of looking at it and it’s ever changing.’

  She stared up at the celestial display and suddenly felt very small. ‘You have been so kind to us all.’ She sipped the chilled glass of white wine. ‘Thank you for everything and I’m sorry again for the upheaval.’

  He batted away the compliment before asking his question. ‘Do you think maybe this is a chance to patch things up with Ray?’

  ‘You mean as friends?’

  ‘Or more, possibly?’ He kept his eyes on Tessa’s coat under the porch lights.

  ‘Oh good God, no! Absolutely not. Not at all.’ She shook her head vigorously, keen to emphasise the point. ‘I was saying to Ellen earlier, I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me. It was eight years of my life when I was too young to know any better.’

  ‘But you’ve been single ever since?’

  ‘Yep.’ She nodded.

  Gil gave a nervous cough and swirled the wine in his glass. ‘That’s a long time and I guess I wondered if, despite what you said when we were out on the boat, it might be because you still hold a candle for him.’

  ‘It’s not. No way. Ellen thinks I’ve been using him as a cushion, to soften any further blows, hiding myself away.’ She shook her head and then drained her wine glass.

  Gil reached for the bottle on the floor and refilled it.

  ‘Thank you.’ She took another sip and noted how the dry, sharp, floral aftertaste whizzed up the back of her nose and bounced back down onto her tongue. It was delicious and quite unlike anything she had tasted at home, though that could of course have been down to the setting or the company or the fact that she’d already had three cocktails and one hell of a shock.

  ‘I’m trying to keep calm for Emma’s sake. I want her to have the best wedding and I don’t want to cause a second of tension for her and Michael at this lovely time, but deep down, I feel bloody furious!’ She took a bigger glug this time. ‘He has no right, Gil, no right at all. It was me that got up with her at all hours, fed her, clothed her, walked her back and forth from school in all weathers, saved up for her braces, took her on day trips. Saved up for every little thing she needed from shoes to shampoo, me!’ She patted her chest. ‘And yet he just pitches up and prepares to waltz her down the aisle as if nothing was amiss. It’s just not fair!’ She was aware of her raised voice and took a deep breath.

  Gil took his time, unhurried as ever. ‘Life’s not fair. I wanted to be married forever, I wanted Michael to take over the farm—’

  ‘But he’s a doctor.’

  ‘Aye, and that’s amazing, but my sheep won’t care what he’s doing if he isn’t here to see them right. What he does is noble and selfless, I get it, but I had a dream that my boy would continue everything my dad worked for, and everything I’ve achieved. But…’ He took a sip of his wine. ‘He was never interested in the farm as anything other than a hobby, a way to earn pin money while he was at home on holiday. It’s just how it is.’

  ‘So you’d rather he farmed than worked in medicine?’

  Gil took a while forming his response. He stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles. ‘I want him to be happy, to live a good life and I see how stressed he gets and that’s not healthy. This life, living here…’ He gestured at the vast black night. ‘This is paradise. There’s no stress, no boss, it’s just me and the seasons, my land and my animals, and I think it’s about the happiest anyone can be. I wanted that for him.’

  ‘You are right, Gil. This is like a little slice of heaven.’ She tucked her feet under her thighs.

  ‘Do you want some socks? I have some clean ones in the laundry that’d do you.’

  ‘Oh, that’d be lovely, thanks.’ She unfurled her legs, wiggling her chilly toes in the cool night breeze.

  Gil left the creaking chair with Tessa trotting after him, to return minutes later with a pair of soft, downy socks that were going to be way too big for her.

  He crouched down on his haunches and gently took her right foot into his hand before resting it on his thigh. The feel of his fingers against her skin, this smallest of contact set her whole body aglow. It was exhilarating, exciting and scary all at the same time, a feeling she had quite forgotten. The joy rippled along her limbs until she shivered and then smiled.

  His actions were so unexpected they left her speechless. He opened the sock and placed it over her toes, carefully pulling it over her foot and her ankle and patting it into place. Each touch of his hand to her skin, especially her feet, which very probably no one had touched since she was a child, sent delightful tremors right through her. They seemed to emanate from the point of contact and fill her right up. He then took her left foot and repeated the process, slowly, before sitting back in his chair.

  Vivienne’s breath came fast and a blush of longing spread over her. She leant forward, wondering what to do next – thank him, kiss him? She was as anxious and uncertain as she was elated, unsure how to proceed while her brain whirred beneath a fug of confusion and the mist of wine. She was glad it was dark and that she was at least partly in shadow. It felt good to be hidden, lest he should see her expression and take a guess at the swirl of emotions inside her. This was new territory and she had no idea what to do or say next. She wished Ellen had given her instructions – her friend the tart, who had slept with fourteen times more men than her.

  They were both quiet for some minutes.

  Eventually she spoke her thoughts. ‘I wish everything was simple.’

  ‘It can be.’

  ‘Doesn’t feel like that right now.’ She rubbed her forehead. ‘It’s like I’ve been under his spell for all these years, not realising how much time was spinning by, and look at me now! Getting older and in the same position I was in when he went.’

  He turned towards her. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on the arms of the chair.

  ‘That’s what bullies do, they tell you they are going to do this and they are going to that and the only way to stop them is to tell them you’re not going to put up with it any more. It really is that simple. They only have the power if you give it to them. He bullied you and you have given him power for all these years. You need to choose differently now, think differently.’

  ‘You make it sound so easy to start over.’

  ‘It can be, Viv.’ He said it again.

  ‘I think for Ray and me this can be as hard or as easy as we choose to make it.’ She looked into the hazel eyes of the kind sheep-farmer cowboy who made her smile. ‘I just want everything to be okay for Emma and Aaron and for Emma and Michael.’

  ‘We’ll do everything we can.’ He nodded.

  Her heart flexed at the way he used the word ‘we’ so comfortably. She rested her back against the chair again, noting the attractive stubble on his chin and his long eyelashes.

  ‘I can’t think straight, Gil. I feel like I’m falling to earth at a million miles an hour and there’s so much filling my head right now…’

  He nodded. ‘You have a lot going on, that’s for sure. But you are not having to face any of this alone and that should ease your burden a bit.’

  ‘That’s kind, but you don’t have to take on my family’s dramas. We’ve disturbed you enough and it’s nothing to do with you.’

  ‘But I want it to be something to
do with me.’ He swallowed. ‘Look at me, Vivienne.’

  She slowly looked up at him. He leant over towards her chair and let his fingertips rest on her jaw.

  ‘I want it to be something to do with me because I like you.’

  ‘What do you mean, you like me?’ Her voice was small, shaky.

  He hesitated. ‘I mean, I like you. I’ve liked you from the first time I met you.’

  ‘That was only thirty-seven hours ago.’

  ‘Yes.’ He shook his head in disbelief. ‘I felt like we connected and even though that sounds like something Emma should be saying with her funny ideas, it’s true.’

  She blinked.

  ‘Did you…’ He paused. ‘Did you feel the same?’

  She let a smile play around her mouth in response and gave a small nod.

  He shook his head. ‘And I’m sure this goes against every bloody rule in the book, seeing as you’re about to become my son’s mother-in-law, but I can’t help it. I like you and I want to get to know you better.’

  Vivienne reached up and held his wrist. ‘I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now – and shocked and nervous and flattered and scared, really scared.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I feel completely out of my depth. I’m out of practise at all of it. And I’m still a married woman, because Ray just disappeared, left me stranded.’

  Gil sat back and stared at her pretty face. ‘Of course.’ He looked confused. ‘It’s probably not the done thing for us to be chatting in this way. In fact, there’s no probably about it. But it’s where we are and as I said, it can be simple, if we let it.’

  Her brain whirred. What’s the point? I’ll be gone in a week, far, far away, back to my little house in Mendip Road. There’s no point at all. It would just make things weird, possibly forever, and that would be a shame, for us all.

  ‘I don’t want things to get weird,’ she whispered.

  ‘I think things are already a little weird,’ he replied calmly.

  He reached forward and placed his hand on her leg and left it there. She placed hers over the back of his, feeling the warmth rise up under her palm. It felt lovely; illicit and lovely.

  ‘Sitting here next to you makes me feel very happy,’ she whispered.

  ‘It makes me feel happy too.’

  She felt his hand increase its pressure on her thigh. She smiled and squeezed it. He turned his palm and gripped her fingers and that was how they sat, in silence, getting used to each other’s presence.

  Vivienne let the butterflies flutter around in her stomach. ‘I think the last time I held hands with someone like this, I was about ten.’

  ‘Who was that with?’ he asked, his voice gentle as the night.

  ‘It was with Daniel Marks. He was nice, sent me a Valentine’s card and signed it.’

  ‘Smart man, leaving you in no doubt as to who you should be holding hands with.’ He nodded his approval.

  ‘I felt very lucky. I was never popular at school, not really, and certainly not with the boys. Not that I was fussed – I always had Elle, she was enough.’

  He laughed. ‘I can imagine she would be. And I can’t believe you weren’t popular. Unlike me, who had to fight the ladies off with a stick!’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘No!’ He laughed. ‘I had a lazy eye. I was shy and skinny, and not that into cricket, which was an offence punishable by exclusion. I was what you might call a late developer.’

  ‘Have you had girlfriends?’ She felt bold asking. Not counting Tessa… She smiled.

  ‘Nothing serious since Michael’s mum. The odd fling, but things just never clicked for me.’ He shifted in his seat. ‘I’ve never really had the confidence.’

  Vivienne nodded. ‘I know how that feels. I remember at school they chose Kelly Kimber to be Mary three years running and I was desperate for the role. I knew all the words and practised my sad face for when the innkeeper sent us on our way. I used to walk around my bedroom with a pillow up my nightie practising being pregnant. I was a natural.’

  ‘Why didn’t you get a go?’

  ‘I didn’t actually tell anyone I wanted to be Mary. I was too shy to speak up, nervous.’

  ‘For what it’s worth, I think you would have made a great Mary, but then I think you’re great, full stop.’ He squeezed her hand.

  She stared straight ahead, nervous, embarrassed and swallowing the firecracker of joy that was sparking inside her.

  ‘I’m just very ordinary, Gil. I ain’t no Kelly Kimber.’

  He sat back and stared at her profile. ‘I won’t forget seeing you for the first time when you arrived.’ He shook his head. ‘I was taken by your calmness, your kindness. You are lovely to be around.’

  ‘It’s all an act, you know.’ She looked at him.

  ‘What is?’

  ‘The smiling, happy me that tries to make everything seem better.’ She sipped her wine.

  ‘I don’t believe that.’

  ‘It’s true. I have lived for all these years with everything pulled taut, scared, waiting. Ellen’s right, I have held this cushion up to smother any advances, soften any blows.’ She was suddenly overtaken by a wave of fatigue. ‘I think I need to get to bed, Gil. I’m rambling and I want to make a better impression on you than this.’

  ‘I like listening to you ramble, it can get quiet here at night.’

  She picked up on the suggestion of his loneliness.

  ‘Thank you for the loveliest day,’ she whispered. ‘Oh God, I can’t believe that Ray is here in Tutukaka, I can’t believe I’ve seen him.’ She released his hand and rubbed her eyes, as if she might wake soon.

  ‘Don’t think about him tonight. Get a good sleep,’ he soothed.

  She stared at him. ‘Gil…’ she began softly. She wasn’t sure what had occurred, but she felt the beginnings of happy and she wanted him to know that. But her thoughts were cut short by the arrival of Michael’s 4 x 4, which swept along the curved driveway, its lights shattering the peace and causing Tessa to bark. It came to rest on the tarmac apron at the front of Aropari Farm.

  ‘Hey, Mum,’ Emma called out as she jumped down from the cab and made her way over to the porch with her characteristic skip. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d still be up. Are you mad at me? I thought it would be lovely for you, but I guess I didn’t think it through. I just want everyone to get along.’

  She sat on the ground and placed her head on her mum’s lap. Vivienne stroked her beautiful fine wavy hair away from her face.

  ‘No, darling, how could I be mad at you? I think you only ever do things with the best intentions, but I must admit, I’m a little shocked.’

  ‘I think you should give him a chance. He’s changed a lot, Mum. He really regrets not seeing Aaron and me – he said as much. And Bailey, Trent and Ashley, that’s his kids; they know all about us and really want to meet us. I think it will be great. It’s exciting!’ Her gabbled enthusiasm made her seem a lot younger than thirty-one.

  Vivienne looked up and held Gil’s stare, thinking of this new, perfect life her happy girl envisaged and silently hoping that she wasn’t going to get hurt again. ‘It will be great.’ She briefly closed her eyes and smiled at him.

  ‘I feel like the luckiest woman alive. I’m getting married to this incredible man, and my mum and my dad are here to see it. I can’t believe it.’

  ‘I love you, Emma.’ She bent forward and kissed her child’s head.

  ‘Love you too.’

  ‘I’m going to bed.’ Michael sounded tired.

  ‘I’m coming too,’ Emma called, as she jumped up and linked her arm inside his. ‘See baby, I told you Mum wouldn’t be mad, it’s all going to be okay!’

  Vivienne noted the slight stiffness to his posture, as he marched his fiancée across the lawn and they disappeared inside the house.

  *

  Ellen was snoring, deep in sleep, when Vivienne crept into the bedroom. She peeled back the duvet and laid her head on the pillow. What a day. She pictured Ray, sleeping only
minutes away in a B & B up the coast. The reality of seeing him had still not sunk in.

  Gil’s words played in her head on a loop. ‘I’ve liked you from the first time I met you… felt like we connected.’ It made her heart soar.

  She wiggled her toes inside the soft wool socks that he had put on her feet. No man had ever done anything like that for her. Her pulse fluttered and she wondered what kind of woman would be everything he wanted.

  10

  The next day felt very different. Gil had, as ever woken early, done his rounds and was busy taking in a feed delivery up on the main pasture. Everyone was a little quieter, busying themselves with wedding chores that ranged from polishing glasses and washing cutlery to sweeping the terraces. Vivienne had stared at herself in the mirror and noticed a difference in her appearance, not only the first hint of a bronze glow from having spent time in the sunshine, but also a blush to her cheeks and a brightening of her eyes, as if she had woken from a long, long sleep, refreshed. Her limbs felt loose, her senses acute.

  Emma had left a long list and they all pitched in, motivated by their love for her and their desire to make her day the best it possibly could be. Michael had been tasked with putting up the strings of lights in the porch and placing solar lanterns in and among the plants and trees around the grounds.

  Ellen was busy tying minute pink ribbons around the white tulle-wrapped sugared almonds that were to be given as wedding favours. She sat patiently at the table with everything she needed laid out like a production line. Her tongue poked from the side of her mouth as she tried to perfect the tiny bows. She only stopped occasionally to flex her palms and holler ‘Damn these sausage fingers!’ which made them all laugh.

  Vivienne sat barefoot at the breakfast bar, writing out name places on miniature cream folds of stiffened card. She used an unfamiliar ink pen and tried to write in a curly script, flapping each one dry when it was finished and worrying that her calligraphy might not be up to scratch.

  Vivienne and Gil skirted around each other. Any physical contact came with a new awkwardness; the previous night’s openness, bolstered by champagne cocktails and glasses of white wine, now stung their tongues and made them both overly self-conscious. They were, after all, fundamentally still strangers. When she did catch his eye, his smile was warm, if fleeting, and the leap in her stomach was just the same.