Heart Of The Outback, Volume 2

by Margaret Way

  His tone was abrasive and Steffi could feel the anger surging out of him, filling the room like a vapour.

  She took the paper and quickly scanned it. The letterhead was from a large insurance company, questioning Matt’s actions and demanding explanations. Phrases like “failure to comply with Occupational Health and Safety Standards”, “endangering life”, “resulting in potential for prosecution” and asking for explanations jumped off the page at her.

  “I’m sure this is just routine,” she said, hoping she sounded convincing because the letter scared her and had obviously shaken Matt up, too. “They’re just asking for some clarification. Old Jimmy was dead when you reached him, you didn’t cause any further harm.”

  “Exactly. They’ll use that as a reason why I should have waited. They’ll say there was nothing I could have done so I shouldn’t have put myself at risk. But how could I have waited? I’m bound by my duty of care as a doctor and by the Hippocratic oath to save lives. I had to try.”

  “If you put it to them like that, I’m sure they’ll have to agree.”

  “Don’t patronise me.”

  “I’m not. I’m trying to be supportive. I thought you might need your friends around you at the moment. That’s what this is all about, Matt. People who care for you just wanting to let you know, wanting to help you.”

  “I don’t need your pity.”

  She stood up, putting the letter on his bedside table. She was never going to get through to him while he was in this mood. “And I don’t need your attitude. So I guess we’ll call it even, shall we? Since that’s what you so clearly want.” Were those words coming from her mouth?

  They were, because he was nodding his agreement, resignation falling back over his face almost visibly to replace the anger that had flared so quickly and harshly just minutes ago.

  Her own anger died down as quickly in response, and the sadness that settled in its place seemed to take her one more step away from him. At least when they’d been angry they’d been connected in a way. Now there was only an enormous gulf again.

  He closed his eyes and turned his face from her.

  So she picked up her bag, packed her heart in ice to start mending later, and left.

  She didn’t know what else to do.

  CHAPTER TEN

  “I THINK you’re right Steffi,” Jack said. “It’d be too early for a clinical diagnosis but Matt certainly seems to be in danger of heading for depression.”

  Her heart fell. She hadn’t wanted to be right about this. Matt’s attitude had hurt her but his words were so out of keeping with what she knew about him that she’d felt sure there had to be another influencing factor. Yes, he had a lot to deal with but he didn’t have to do it alone. Yet he seemed to want to. She’d voiced her concerns to Jack, making him promise not to mention her name if he spoke to Matt, and now he was agreeing with her diagnosis. She didn’t know what was worse—that Matt might be depressed, which now seemed to be the case, or for him to simply not want her near him.

  Jack hadn’t noticed her mind wandering and was still talking. “It’s not surprising, given what he’s been through, but it’s stopping him from trying to do things. He’ll never get out of that bed if he’s not prepared to test the water.”

  “You’re not suggesting his paralysis is all psychological, are you?”

  “Not at all. But I think there’s an element of that involved. Depression can manifest in unusual ways. Maybe it’s self-doubt on his part, but I do think you’re right about his state of mind.”

  “What can I do?”

  “Just be there for him. Let him know you care.”

  “I’ve tried that. He doesn’t want me around, that’s pretty clear.”

  “He just needs to feel that something is going his way. At the moment he feels everything is conspiring against him. Physically, professionally and emotionally his life is in tatters. His body is damaged, he can’t do his beloved work, he’s under fire for his handling of the incident and he’s not certain about you.”

  “He knows how I feel.”

  “Have you told him?”

  “I …” Steffi paused. Had she? She’d talked about friends gathering around, people who cared about him, and she’d included herself in that. But had she made that clear? In reality her feelings went far deeper than friendship. Did he understand that?

  “He thinks you and Rick are reconciling.”

  “What?”

  “He didn’t come straight out and say that but he skirted around the issue, fishing.”

  “Where on earth did he get that idea?”

  Jack shrugged. “I don’t know but I think he just needs to know if it’s true or not. I think that’s tearing him apart as much as anything. There’s not a lot of incentive for him to get out of bed at the moment.”

  This was far more awkward than Steffi had anticipated. It hadn’t been hard this time to convince Mrs Zeller to let her into his room, but now she was here, it was clear Matt didn’t intend to mention Rick—didn’t intend to talk at all—so somehow she had to introduce Rick as a topic of conversation.

  I hear you ‘ve been asking questions about Rick and me? No. Too abrupt.

  Rick’s taking Jess fishing this weekend. No. Too insensitive.

  Did I tell you that Rick is heading off in a couple of weeks? That might work.

  She broke the silence.

  “It looks like Rick is going back to Saudi Arabia.”

  “By himself?” He looked at her for the first time since she’d come into his room.

  “As far as I know.”

  “I thought …”

  “What?”

  “I thought you two were getting back together.”

  Jack had been right. “Why would you think that?”

  “Jess said you were working things out.”

  “Jess? Working things out?” The penny dropped. “Working out Rick’s trips back to Australia to see Jess. Not working out things between us. Believe me, I’ve got enough on my hands looking after Jess. I don’t need to add Rick to my list, too.”

  “I must have misunderstood.”

  “I think Jess did, too. I’ll have to make sure she knows what’s going on. She was eavesdropping and obviously she got hold of the wrong end of the stick.”

  “It might be a good idea to set things straight.”

  He was still sounding stubbornly unmoved and she couldn’t help the frustration that flashed through her. She’d sort this out with Jess soon enough, but hadn’t she just cleared up the big barrier that had sprung up between them? Yet he had nothing to say.

  Come on, say something.

  She waited. Nothing.

  Maybe he hadn’t been worried at all. Maybe Jack had misunderstood the focus of Matt’s thoughts.

  Steffi hid her disappointment.

  After all, what had she expected? A declaration of Matt’s undying love? For all their problems to be solved after one conversation? For Matt to leap out of bed and claim her for his own? No, none of that. He still had to heal. Physically and emotionally. But she had hoped once he knew there was nothing between Rick and her, he’d at least be happy to see her. Had foolishly hoped, it seemed.

  What had she expected?

  Matt felt some of the load being lifted from his shoulders with Steffi’s news, but there were still so many other problems weighing him down. Was he strong enough to fight them all? He still couldn’t walk. What could he possibly offer her and Jess now? Even with Rick apparently out of the running, Steffi still deserved more than he, Matt, could give her. For all sorts of reasons, it just wouldn’t work.

  Steffi and Jess dumped their bags on the chair in the tiny hallway and headed to the kitchen for a drink. They’d just taken Rick to the airport and although Steffi had braced herself for hysterics from Jess, she’d been calm. Perhaps the knowledge that her father would be back in three months” time was all she’d needed.

  Whatever the reason, Steffi was grateful that she didn’t have to deal with
another drama. Matt had continued to shut her out even after their discussion and Steffi was at her wits” end. Maybe she’d have to accept their relationship was over, but how could she then continue to live in the town where there were so many memories of her time with Matt?

  She hadn’t found time to get back to Adelaide to sort out their house yet. Was that a sign? The support finally coming in from Rick would now make living in Adelaide possible, but she couldn’t move Jess again, not when she was settled and happy here. Besides, they were content in their little unit and Steffi was enjoying her job. All in all, they were better off in Port Cadney. Even with her bruised and battered heart.

  As Jess drained the last of her juice, Steffi turned her thoughts to more immediate concerns.

  “What do you say to fish and chips tonight?”

  “Can I have a hamburger instead?”

  “Sure. Let me get changed out of my uniform and we’ll go and get dinner.”

  “Could we take it down to the beach?”

  The beach. A vision of Matt playing in the surf with Jess and Susie sprang to mind. Would it always be like this? Unexpected images of Matt appearing with any mention of times shared? She couldn’t avoid all these places.

  “I guess we can go to Main Beach.” Anywhere but The Cove where they’d gone with Matt and Susie.

  “Cool.”

  Steffi kissed the top of her daughter’s head as she headed for her room to get changed. The telephone rang as she walked past.

  “Hello.”

  “Stephanie, hello. I’ve been trying to reach you but I don’t like to leave messages on those machines.”

  It wasn’t hard to place the voice. “Mrs Zeller. Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, dear, everything’s fine. I just wondered when you were planning on visiting Mattias again. We haven’t seen you for a while.”

  Was that a reproach? “He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to see me.”

  “I know I said to be patient, but I think now he’s had enough time. He got some good news in the mail today. I thought it might be a good day to see him.”

  “I’m taking Jess out for dinner in a while. Could we call in after that? I don’t want to change our plans at this late stage.” Jess had always been her number-one priority and she wasn’t going to drop everything for Matt. Not any more.

  “Hello, Jessica. This is a lovely surprise.” Matt’s mother greeted them at the door, feigning ignorance of their visit.

  So she hasn’t told Matt we were coming, then, Steffi registered. What’s going on?

  “We’ve come to see Matt. It’s been ages, I’ve got loads to tell him.” Jess raced down the hallway, quite at home. She’s probably spent more time here than me, Steffi thought.

  “Mattias is out by the pool.” Mrs Zeller called out after Jess. Steffi gave her a questioning look. “His father organised a wheelchair. Said it was time to stop moping about the place and get out of bed. His father can’t stand to see a problem with no solution. In his view, life is always much simpler than we make it, you just have to stop complaining and get on with it.”

  That sounded like the attitude his dad had instilled into Matt early on. “And so he got into the chair? Just like that?”

  “No. Mattias wouldn’t have it in his room. Kept ordering his father to take it out, but Nic kept refusing. Told him he’d have to do it himself. So it’s sat there for the last two days until the physio came. She got Mattias into it. He’s still not himself but this is a start, and I think the letter that came today may help things, too.”

  They reached the French doors that opened to the garden and Steffi could see Jess examining Matt’s wheelchair, asking questions with the innocence of an eight-year-old. He was smiling at Jess, and Steffi thought she’d never seen a more beautiful sight.

  “Look, Mum. Isn’t this awesome?” Matt looked up at Jess’s exclamation. His smile disappeared, all life and laughter gone from his face in the blink of an eye.

  It had been a mistake to come.

  “Come on, Jess, darling. I don’t think Matt wants visitors right now.”

  “Nonsense.” Mrs Zeller’s brisk voice cut in. “Sit down, Stephanie, Jess. Tell Matt what you’ve been up to while I put the kettle on.”

  So they did. At least, Jess did. She chatted away and Matt responded to her, asking about her netball practice and swimming lessons while Steffi sat frozen to the spot, like a garden ornament, trying to blend into the bushes.

  “We took Dad to the airport today. He’s going back to Arabia,” Jess informed Matt. Steffi was watching him, waiting for his reaction, when his gaze flew up, catching her by surprise. For a brief moment she thought she saw hope in his grey eyes.

  “He’s gone?”

  Steffi nodded. “I told you he was going.”

  “Yes, you did.” And then he smiled at her. Not quite the real McCoy, bona fide Matt smile she knew so well, but the closest he’d sent her way since he’d been in hospital, and it warmed the cold water she’d been encouraging to turn into ice around her heart. For a moment it seemed like it might be possible for everything to be all right. And then the shutters came down again.

  “Here we are.” Mrs Zeller returned, bearing a tray with steaming cups of coffee. “Jessica, dear, how would you like to come for a walk with me to the shop for an ice cream? I seem to have run out.” She pulled an envelope out of her apron pocket, handing it to Matt. “I thought you might like to show this to Stephanie. Come on, Jessica.”

  “What is it?” Steffi asked as the others departed.

  “A letter from the insurance company.”

  Good news, his mother had said. “What does it say?”

  “It says …” Matt pulled the letter out and unfolded it “… they accept my version of events as being a, quote, ‘true and accurate record’ and they won’t be pressing any charges or recommending any further action be taken.”

  “That’s fantastic news. It must be a load off your mind.” She wanted to leap out of her chair, hug him, but there was still an imaginary sign above his head, saying “keep away”, even if it was written in smaller letters now.

  “It’s one less thing to worry about.”

  Jack had said Matt just needed to feel as if some things were going his way and then he might be able to haul himself out of the doldrums. This had to be a step in the right direction.

  “You’re a terrific doctor. Don’t start questioning your abilities and commitment because of all this.”

  “I’m not. I’d do the same thing again if I had to. But …” he gave a wry laugh as he looked at his lap “.that’s the irony. I probably wouldn’t be able to do it again.”

  “Oh, Matt.” Steffi felt her heart tearing as she looked at his glum face. “Why won’t you let me help you?”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Yes, it is.” She only had one more thing to offer. She had to put her cards on the table. It was now or never, because Jack had been right when he’d suggested she hadn’t ever told Matt how she felt. “I should have told you this before, Matt.” She swallowed hard. This declaration-of-love scenario was quite an ordeal when you had nothing to give you confidence in a happy outcome. “I love you, Matt, and I need you. All I want is your love in return. Can’t you give me that?”

  “No.”

  His answer was so blunt it took her a moment to process, and before she’d quite worked through the rejection he was talking again.

  “Why can’t you see it? I have nothing to offer you. Nothing.”

  “You’re still the same person you were when you went down the mine. I loved you then and I love you still. Nothing’s changed that. I just should have told you earlier.”

  “I refuse to be a burden to you, a liability. You need a partner, not someone else who depends on you. You said that yourself.”

  “I said what?”

  “You said, ‘Jess is enough responsibility, I don’t want to add Rick to my list too.’”

  “And I meant it. I don
’t want to look after Rick. I don’t love him, I love you. We can get through these obstacles. Your paralysis is only temporary—you’ll walk again.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “It won’t matter.”

  “It matters to me.”

  “If that’s more important than loving me, there’s nothing else I can say.” Steffi gathered up their mugs, cold anger turning her face to a mask, and placed them on the tray to carry it back into the house. “Or do.” She had some pride. OK, so it was covered by a fairly thick layer of stupidity, putting her heart out there like that when anyone could see she was begging for it to be trampled on. But there was still some pride there, some instinct for self-preservation.

  Jess and Mrs Zeller were just coming outside, Jess’s face liberally covered with chocolate ice cream, as Steffi reached the back door. Matt said nothing. She hadn’t made eye contact with him and he’d said nothing, done nothing, to make her stay.

  “Hi, sweetie, did you get any ice cream into your mouth?” Steffi dug through her bag, searching for a tissue to wipe Jess’s face, trying to get her emotions under control before it became obvious how upset she was.

  “How are things here?” Mrs Zeller asked, and Steffi could feel a pair of assessing eyes on her, so she may as well come clean.

  “I can’t get through to him. He’s not ready to listen to me.” She crouched down to wipe Jess’s mouth.

  “Maybe he just needs more time.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not sure. He has to want to get better and something’s stopping him. I thought I knew what it was, but it seems I was wrong. I can’t force him to see me, to let me help him.”

  Steffi grabbed Jess’s hand as she went to say goodbye to Matt. “Matt’s tired, sweetheart, just wave goodbye.” Together they walked inside and headed for the front door.

  As they stepped onto the front verandah, the older woman patted her arm. “I hoped he would be feeling more positive by now, especially with the news today.”

  “What’s that funny humming noise, Mum?”

  Steffi looked up and saw the eaves of the verandah were thick with swarming bees. “Quick, Jess, back inside.” As she turned to usher her daughter into the house, bees flew about her face and she swatted at them and simultaneously felt a sting on her index finger and cheek. She just managed to get inside and slam the door.