Mothers and Daughters

by Howard, Minna

  She had her door key in her hand and she passed him quickly and went and unlocked the door, the whine of the alarm picking up. ‘Goodbye,’ she said, scooting in and turning off the alarm before shutting the door. She leant against it, listening to Frank slamming his car door and the throb of the engine as he started up the car and roared away down the street, leaving an overwhelming sense of loss. Not only Frank’s loss but Julian’s too, the very memory that she still clung to was flawed.

  She passed a miserable night and the next morning she took the bus to see Cecily. She’d telephoned first, knowing how she often played bridge with friends or could even be out on some expedition with Kalinda, but she was there and Alice craved her advice and comfort.

  ‘My dear, whatever has happened, you look dreadful?’ Cecily greeted her from her usual place on the sofa, the day’s newspapers strewn over the cushions. She pushed them on the floor, patted the place bedside her, ‘Sit down, nothing’s happened to the girls or that baby has it?’

  Alice shook her head, struggling with her tears.

  ‘Here’s Kalinda with some coffee for us,’ Cecily said, smiling at Kalinda. ‘Thank you, we might need a nip of brandy in it if we have to face bad news.’ She touched Alice’s arm in sympathy.

  ‘No, not unless you want some,’ Alice said, ashamed now of dashing round here as though the world had ended, though for her, in a way, it had.

  ‘It depends what you’re going to tell me,’ Cecily said. ‘We better have it in case, please Kalinda.’

  Kalinda fetched the bottle from the drinks tray that stood by the window. ‘There you are, call if you need anything.’ She patted Alice on the shoulder as she left. She too understood suffering, and again Alice felt ashamed, she’d had a happy life compared to them.

  ‘You’re the only person I can talk to about it, Cecily,’ she started. ‘You might know all about it but it came as a terrible shock to me. I went paragliding with Frank yesterday, it was wonderful but then we landed and had a little time to wait for the truck to pick us up, I told him I’d seen a man that looked just like Julian, a young Julian, coming out of his block of flats and he told me…’ she dashed the tears from her eyes, ‘he was Julian’s son.’ She watched Cecily carefully but she looked as shocked as she’d been.

  ‘His son? You don’t mean godson?’

  ‘No son. He had a son with Frank and Henry’s sister, Sarah. After Henry died, she went to America to study and she didn’t realize she was pregnant for some weeks, and by then she was in love with someone else whom she married.’ She went on to tell Cecily about Julian’s part in Henry’s death.

  ‘I guessed that,’ Cecily said. ‘He never said anything to me about it and I didn’t ask, but I saw how much he suffered over it. I’d seen that situation in the war. So many beautiful, strong young men came back with appalling injuries and not a lot could be done for them. Julian told me Henry died, but that was all and all I expected to hear. Some things should remain private between those concerned, and it is not for us to judge.’

  ‘I know and it’s not that I judge him for but for having a son, a half-brother to the girls, that he kept secret from us. It happened before I knew him, but still, he had a son. Did you know anything about it, Cecily?’

  ‘No, we were close but he didn’t tell me everything. Anyway, at that time, I was travelling and working and we didn’t see much of each other. When did he find out?’

  ‘Soon enough, before Ned was born… he offered to marry Sarah, but she’d met someone else. Ned spent his childhood in America, Sarah had more children, but then Ned came here to London to study, work, I don’t know. And then I saw him… and I thought he was Julian.’

  Cecily sat quiet for a moment, digesting the news; her hands clasped loosely in her lap, her faded eyes faraway. She said at last, ‘And Frank told you all this yesterday?’

  ‘Yes, and I was furious, it spoilt our lovely day. I made him take me home, miss the lunch he’d planned. I just couldn’t be with him, knowing he’d known all this about Julian, Ned is his nephew after all, and no one told me.’ She swallowed her tears, the injustice of it digging into her.

  ‘Did you feel, perhaps, as if you were not deemed important enough in their lives to be told?’ Cecily watched her.

  ‘Yes, I suppose I do, insignificant, compared to Julian’s bond with their family, and yet we were married, had children together and all the time he had this secret family. He often saw Frank when he went to Europe on business or here in London, but he never suggested we meet up, have him over to the house as we did with our other friends.’ She frowned trying to think back to the times Frank might have been here.

  ‘I think, am sure, you’ve got it wrong, my dear.’ Cecily put her hands over hers as they twisted in her lap. ‘Julian loved you, loved you and the girls more than anyone, you must not lose sight of that. But he was also close to Frank because of Henry and what happened to him and there was a bond there, a deep bond that has nothing to do with his love for you and it seems there’s a bond through their sister too. We do not belong to each other, Alice, and we should be allowed some privacy, don’t let this destroy you, destroy the love you and Julian shared, be thankful you had it for so many years.’ Her eyes skimmed over the pictures of her dead fiancés, ‘No one can take away that love you shared, whether it lasted a long time or hardly any time at all. It is there in your make-up and cannot be lost unless you choose to destroy it.’

  She’d been lucky with her family and Julian, Alice knew that, and yet she still felt angry – torn to bits – that such a secret was kept from her and she was angry with herself for taking it out on Frank when it was Julian who was to blame. Cecily guessed her thoughts. ‘It’s very hard to accept some things in life, but you must accept this or you’re in danger of ruining everything. The loving life you shared together, the good memories you stored up. Tell the girls about Ned, their half-brother, ask Frank to introduce you. Does Ned know about you all?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well get Frank on to it, and, Alice, don’t blame him, give him a chance.’

  ‘A chance for what?’

  Cecily smiled a rather annoying, secret smile. ‘Just give him a chance, he’s a good man, he deserves happiness.’

  Alice was weary of secrets. She had felt close to Frank when she’d seen him again, but now she felt that she and Frank could never be comfortable together after this. He was an honourable man and he’d do his bit at Laura’s wedding and then he’d leave and go home to France. Apart from wishes at Christmas and perhaps occasional visits if he came to London they would not see each other again.

  Cecily obviously thought she’d said enough on the subject and asked how Evie was getting on juggling baby and work, and how the arrangements for Laura’s wedding were going. ‘Almost a Christmas wedding, candlelight, evergreens with bright berries, possibly even snow, it will be lovely,’ Cecily said. ‘Keep looking forward, my dear, the past is past and there’s no going back.’

  ‘It’s just the consequences of it that mess up the future,’ Alice said.

  When Alice left Cecily she walked all the way down Park Lane to Hyde Park Corner to the bus that would take her home. She passed the showrooms of the gleaming cars and wished she could drive one on her own to a time before she known these secrets.

  34

  ‘But we can’t possibly have Nick at your wedding, Laura,’ Alice protested, still poleaxed from Frank’s revelations, feeling she’d lost him as her ally in this venture.

  ‘Why ever not? He’s part of our family now, like it or not, and Freya’s coming, I’ve asked them both. I asked their little girl Lexie to be a bridesmaid, or rather she asked me and I couldn’t refuse her,’ Laura said. ‘Apart from Zara, I don’t know any other small children and I just want little bridesmaids and Lexie’s so pretty,’ Laura finished defiantly, her eyes hard on Alice; they were having tea together in the kitchen. She leant over to help herself to another biscuit and bit savagely into it.

 
Alice was furious. Nick had caused enough trouble in her family and was not welcome at the wedding. He’d even had the audacity to suggest he’d give Laura away before they found Frank. His arrogance was too much.

  ‘But… what does Douglas think about it and… his mother?’ Alice said, not wanting a row with her daughters and rather shamefully hoping that Elspeth’s opinion would count against him. She certainly wouldn’t put up with the married lover of her son’s sister-in-law and father of her baby flouting him at the wedding.

  ‘She’s fine about it, well we didn’t tell her too much, just that he and Freya are old friends of the family, which they are, Mum. We’ve known them for ever; Dad knew them and liked them.’

  ‘We both like Freya, but your father would have thought differently about Nick if he’d been here now,’ Alice retorted, though he might understand, having been in this predicament himself. Though, unlike Nick, he hadn’t cheated on anyone. Perhaps they should ask Ned and Sarah to come too, for all to see the scandals of their family. She hadn’t told her daughters about Ned; she hadn’t told anyone except for Cecily. Besides, the girls should know the story before she told her friends. She must tell her daughters calmly, not let the anger she felt leach out, and she must tell them both together, but they weren’t all going to be together until the wedding, unless she joined them in the cottage when Laura next went down for her last fitting.

  She poured herself some more tea, wishing she had some brandy to slosh into it to give her strength. Cecily’s idea was a good one. ‘It takes the edge off shocks and other nasties. Far better than antidepressants and all those drugs they push at you these days at the slightest upset,’ she’d said, before pouring them both a good slug.

  The wedding plans were progressing. It was to be a small affair and there had been much heartache as to who would have to be left off the guest list. It hadn’t occurred to her that Nick… and Freya would be asked, let alone their daughter be a bridesmaid.

  ‘None of the London people know about him and Evie, and Lexie is Bunny’s half-sister, we can’t get away from that. Freya’s all right about it, I did ask her. I saw her and Lexie in Bury when I went down for my dress fitting.’ Laura took another biscuit. ‘Freya and I chatted awhile and Lexie was dancing about and when she heard the word wedding she said, rather wistfully, that her friend was being a bridesmaid in a “fairy” dress and could she be mine, and somehow I couldn’t say no.’

  ‘But surely Freya doesn’t want…’

  ‘She told her to be quiet, saying she’d be a bridesmaid another time, but Lexie grabbed my hand and looked at me with such longing saying, “please, I’m little I won’t take up much room,” I couldn’t find a way to refuse her. So I said yes, and then of course she jumped about so excited that Freya had to give in. But it will be fine, Mum, they won’t be the only people there, after all.’

  ‘Has Nick been in touch with Evie?’ Alice asked. He’d seen his son only because he’d come across them in the town and she had pointedly held him up to show him.

  ‘I don’t know, Evie didn’t say, but she doesn’t mind him coming to the wedding,’ Laura said. ‘We found Zara’s dress in Laura Ashley and Lexie will have the same.’

  ‘So it seems as if it’s all settled then, and I suppose it would be unkind not to let Lexie come if she’s set her heart on it,’ Alice said, going on to ask if Laura had seen Frank lately.

  She was haunted by how badly she’d treated him, when it was Julian she wanted to blame, not Frank, the messenger.

  She’d tried to telephone him the day after she’d seen Cecily but it went straight to voicemail and she couldn’t think what to say so she’d rung off. That was almost two weeks ago and she hadn’t heard a word from him since. Had he gone back to France? Would he come back for the wedding?

  ‘Frank, yes, he’s rung a couple of times, asked how everything is going.’

  ‘Is he here or back in France?’ Alice asked.

  ‘Here, I think. Hasn’t he been in touch with you recently, taken you paragliding again,’ she teased.

  ‘No… we must take Johnny again, we did promise,’ she finished lamely.

  ‘Let’s wait until after the wedding, perhaps in the summer,’ Laura said, clearly hoping Johnny would have forgotten about it by then. ‘Was it scary?’

  ‘No, well just for a moment before we took off, but it was wonderful, so peaceful floating in the sky.’

  ‘Did you do it alone, two kites side by side?’

  ‘I didn’t fly on my own, we flew in tandem, Frank’s done it before. He flew behind me and controlled everything, searching for thermals and all that. We were perfectly safe and I loved it, would like to do it again.’

  Frank would not ask her again but the instructors were nice; she could go up with them, the ever-chatty Ben or the girl whose name she’d forgotten, though it wouldn’t be the same, that special magic she’d shared with Frank.

  There was a pain whenever she thought of him, and a desperate wish that she’d never mentioned seeing that young man.

  ‘Well don’t say too much about it to Johnny. He’s stopped going on about it a bit. Anyway, they’ve been away with their mother, somewhere expensive, a sort of kids’ club with endless games and sports to occupy them all the time, while their mother…’ her mouth twisted at the word as if she had a bad taste on her tongue, ‘lay about with her lover.’

  ‘I expect she’s exhausted with her high-powered job,’ Alice said weakly. There were too many complications, too many people pushing into their lives, sending it askew. Were all families now so complicated, with their musical chairs of changing partners and children?

  Laura’s approaching wedding was like a train out of control, surging on to the end of the line. Perhaps it would all work out in the end but her main thought now was how her daughters would react to the news that they had a half-brother to add to this crazy mix of families.

  Evie had her drawing to ground her and surely she now realized that Nick would not stand by her. But there was more fallout to come. Julian’s illness and death had been difficult enough to come to terms with, and both of the girls had retaliated by making such life-changing mistakes. How would they cope with the fact that their beloved father was not the man they thought he was but had led a double life, a life he kept hidden from them all?

  35

  The ‘nursery’ baskets took off – as much as they could with only two people making them and just word of mouth and one small advertisement in a free magazine. Margot and Alice kept their sewing ladies stocked with pretty fabrics and baskets, which, to Alice’s relief gave her mind a rest from her family problems.

  Frank had still not contacted her since the day he’d told her about Julian’s son, and she had not tried to contact him again. Whenever she went to Margot’s house, she kept an eye out for him, and even Ned in case he’d returned. She often took the bus to South Kensington, even walking up Queen’s Gate, scouring the faces of the people she passed. Occasionally her heart lurched at the sight of a man of Frank’s build, the glimpse of a profile, the sharp cut of a suit, but it was never him, perhaps he was no longer in London.

  He kept in touch with Laura and it was through her that she heard that he was still in London working on some article about the affairs of a large financial company who’d employed a firm which specialized in so-called ‘legal’ tax dodges.

  ‘He can’t be distracted, he’s got a tight deadline but he’ll be at the wedding,’ Laura told her when they met in a hurried lunch hour to discuss the menu for the great day.

  ‘So you’re often in touch with him?’ Alice asked, squashed into a corner of the busy restaurant, hoping she sounded casual, though just the mention of Frank was like snagging a wound inside her.

  She was ashamed now of blaming Frank for telling her these important things that her husband should have done. It wasn’t as if Julian hadn’t had plenty of time and opportunities – and what other secrets had he hidden?

  In the lonely, dead hours of the
night, her mind sometimes trawled through all those years she’d trusted Julian when he was away on business and the times he’d told her he couldn’t make it home as there’d been a crisis at work.

  ‘We speak or text most weeks.’ Laura raised her voice over the chatter in the restaurant she leant forward, her eyes on her. ‘He says you do too much.’

  ‘Too much of what?’ Had they been talking about her behind her back?

  ‘Oh this and that.’ She looked away, her face awkward. ‘I think he means things with us, well really Evie’s baby… I mean she’s landed herself in it, hasn’t she, Mum? Just when she got that great commission she got pregnant with a man who’ll never stay with her. Do you think she did it to get out of doing that? She did feel it was quite a challenge and I know she’s afraid her work won’t be thought good enough and they’ll dump her.’

  ‘No, I don’t. She was thrilled to get the job, naturally she worried she might not be good enough or get it done in time, but that was a positive feeling, it made her work extra hard. People who think they are wonderful at things often just drift on,’ Alice said, impatient with the psycho rubbish spewed out today. ‘Nick is very attractive and very good at seducing women. I think he chose Evie because she was vulnerable after Dad’s death, and alone in the cottage. Evie should have known better, or at the very least not got pregnant, but I blame him more than I blame her. There’s something weak about a man who only seduces vulnerable women and I despise him for it,’ Alice finished sternly.

  ‘Oh, Mum, that’s rubbish, it takes two, and it’s not Victorian times when women knew nothing about sex,’ Laura snapped. ‘Evie didn’t have to sleep with him or have his baby. She was on the pill, so I wonder why she stopped it.’

  Alice hadn’t known Evie was on the pill, though it seemed sensible if she was planning to sleep with someone, but Laura was right, why would she have stopped taking it? Had she not planned to sleep with anyone after Julian’s death, so stopped taking it or had Nick’s seduction of her been so over powering they hadn’t time to take other precautions?