Starting Over

by Cheryl Douglas

  “Just know that Ani and I will always be here for you, okay? No matter what happens, we’re still your friends and we love you.”

  “Thanks, I love you guys too.”

  “We’d love to get out there for your aunt’s service tomorrow, but Jade is sick, and we don’t want to leave her.”

  “Oh, I hope it’s nothing serious.” Eve often babysat for James and Ani when Alex was working late. She adored their two children.

  “No, we think it’s just a stomach bug, but we’re taking her to the doctor tomorrow, just to be sure.”

  “Give her a big hug for me and tell her I hope she’s feeling better soon.” Realizing she wouldn’t ever hug Jade again made her sad. As much as she loved Ani and James, they were Alex’s friends. They represented a part of the life she was determined to leave behind.

  “Will do.”

  Eve knew she should let him go, but she wanted to know how Alex was faring. If anyone would know, James would. “How did you know my aunt’s service is tomorrow? Did Alex tell you?”

  “Morris told me when he called. I didn’t even know she’d passed.”

  “You haven’t spoken to Alex then?”

  “Last I heard, he was headed out to see you. I assumed he was still there.”

  “He doesn’t know about Morris’s call?” Eve knew that conversation wouldn’t go well, unless Alex had changed his mind and decided to let her go.

  “No, I’m going to see him now.”

  “Okay, well good luck with that.”

  “Thanks, I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”

  ***

  Alex looked up from his computer when James walked into his office. “You could’ve knocked.”

  “Your receptionist said you were alone.” James claimed the seat across from him. “How’ve you been, man?”

  “Okay… busy.” He could tell James was expecting more of an explanation. “Sorry I haven’t touched base in a while. I’ve had a lot going on.”

  “I know. That’s what I came to talk to you about. Why didn’t you tell me you were getting a divorce?”

  Alex’s mouth went dry. He’d been torturing himself with thoughts of a legal separation, believing that might be Eve’s next step, but he’d never allowed himself to consider the D word. That was too permanent. Their problems were just temporary; they would work them out. They had to work them out. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Eve’s lawyer called me this morning.”

  “I can’t believe she’s moving so fast.” Alex closed his eyes and tipped his head back, wishing he could wake up from that nightmare.

  “My guess is it’s been in the works a while.”

  “I guess she can’t wait to be rid of me.” He’d thought dislocating his shoulder playing baseball was the height of discomfort, but that was nothing compared to the pain James’s news caused.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” James asked. They’d been friends since college, and no one, other than Eve, knew Alex better than James.

  “I guess I was in denial. I really thought she’d come home after…” He didn’t want to sound callous, but they all knew Sharon’s illness was fatal. Alex believed when her aunt passed, his wife would return home. Then they could focus on their marriage and the family she was so eager to start. He’d never imagined they would grow so far apart in a few months.

  “I called Eve. I wanted to offer my condolences when I heard about her aunt’s passing.”

  James and Ani considered Eve one of their closest friends. He wasn’t surprised James wanted to reach out to offer their support. “You talked to her?”

  “Yeah, but just for a few minutes. Her aunt’s funeral is tomorrow, so I’m guessing she’s pretty busy with that.”

  “How did she sound?” Alex wished he could be there instead of locked in a prison of memories of the time when she still wanted to be his wife.

  “She sounded sad, Alex. How would you expect her to sound?”

  Running a hand over his cropped, dark hair, Alex muttered a curse. “I want to be there for her—”

  “Then what the hell are you doing here?”

  Rubbing the back of his neck to ease the knot of tension, Alex said, “I think that’s pretty obvious. She’s done with me.”

  “I never pegged you for a quitter.” James scowled.

  “Don’t do that,” Alex said, clenching his fist. “Don’t blame me for giving up. I practically begged her for another chance. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

  “I know what I’d do if Ani wanted to leave me,” James said, glancing at the photo of Eve on Alex’s desk.

  “Oh yeah, what would you do?” Alex was open to listening to any and all suggestions.

  “I’d camp out on her doorstep if I had to.”

  “That’s called stalking. There are laws against it,” Alex muttered. He’d considered doing what his friend suggested. At the airport in Vermont, Alex’d walked toward the exit doors half a dozen times, intent on returning to the inn and refusing to leave until Eve agreed to give him another chance.

  James chuckled. “Hey, she owns an inn now. Why can’t you just check in as a guest? Tell her you needed to get away for a while and you couldn’t think of a better place to recharge your batteries.”

  Alex smiled at that suggestion. No way would Eve allow that. “Any other suggestions?”

  “Do whatever it takes to prove to her that you’re willing to put her first this time.”

  Alex looked at his friend, wondering if he was ready to hear the truth. “Was I really that bad? I mean, if you were in my situation, do you think Ani would have left you?”

  “Hell yeah!”

  “Thanks a lot,” Alex muttered.

  James leaned forward. “It wasn’t just your crazy hours or the travel. It was the fact that you weren’t ready to start a family or…”

  “Or what?”

  “Man, there’s no easy way to say this,” James said, grimacing. “Your wife’s been unhappy for a long time. You were just too wrapped up in your own shit to see it.”

  “She said something to you guys?” Alex had been too blind to see the signs before it was too late.

  “She didn’t have to. We saw it in her eyes every time she babysat for us. It was like her heart was breaking, wishing she could have the life we had.”

  Alex would have been hurt less if his friend had hit him. “I can’t listen to this right now.” He stood up. He needed to get out of the office and as far away from his friend’s accusations as he could.

  “You have to.” James stepped in front of Alex. “I’d want you to tell me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear.”

  “Yeah, well I’m not you.” Alex just wanted to put the situation out of his mind for a while. Taking a ride on his motorcycle always helped him to clear his head, but all he could think about was the memory of Eve’s arms wrapped around his waist as she whispered what naughty things she intended to do to him when they got home. Every part of his life held memories of her. With no place to go and nowhere to escape, he decided to let his friend do his worst. He wanted to be with Eve, but since he couldn’t have her, he didn’t want anyone else’s company. Not even his own. “Fine, whatever you have to say, say it and then get out. I want to be alone.”

  “Man, I don’t even know where to start.” James ran a hand over his graying goatee. “I should have come to you before, but Ani told me we shouldn’t get involved.”

  “Just say it already.”

  “You need to be the man she married, the man you were when she met you.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? I’m still that guy.”

  “No, you’re not,” James said, shaking his head. “You’re nothing like the Alex Bolton I met in college. That guy knew how to have a good time. He talked about traveling the world and—”

  “I have traveled the world,” he said, feeling the need to defend himself.

  “Yeah, on business. You’ve seen hotel rooms, airports, and
board rooms in every country. But have you ever seen the Eiffel Tower or made it to the top of Kilimanjaro? Man, what the hell happened to your dreams? Remember the things we used to talk about when we were young and stupid and ready to make our mark on the world?”

  Alex hadn’t thought about those things in so long, he’d almost forgotten them. Maybe life was easier that way. “I grew up and so did you. You’re a father now. You can’t take the crazy risks we used to talk about back in the day. Your family needs you.”

  “You’re right.” Standing toe-to-toe with him, looking him in the eye, James said, “And you have no one. So what’s your excuse?”

  Alex was tempted to punch him in the face, to get into it the way they used to when they were young and reckless, but James was right. Beating the hell out of him wouldn’t change that. “You came by today to make me feel like shit? Mission accomplished. Feel better?”

  “No, I feel worse.” James sighed and stepped back. “I love you like a brother, and I hate to see you so miserable. Just like I hated to see Eve so unhappy in a loveless marriage.”

  “Don’t say that!” Alex shouted, shoving him hard. “I love her, goddamn it! And she loves me too!”

  “How do you know that?”

  “She told me!” His temper was erupting, and James was placing himself directly in the line of fire.

  “When? A month ago? A year ago? When was the last time she told you she loved you?”

  “A few days ago, when she let me back in her bed!” Alex didn’t know why he was shouting. Perhaps because James was challenging the only thing he knew for certain—his wife loved him.

  Narrowing his eyes, James said, “Let me get this straight, you guys had sex when you went to Richmond?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Just as I thought. She doesn’t want a divorce. She wants her husband back.”

  Alex wanted that to be true more than anything, but he couldn’t deny the conviction he’d heard in Eve’s voice when she told him it was over. “But she—”

  Holding up his hand, James said, “Correction. She wants the guy she fell in love with back.” He gestured at Alex’s expensive suit and shoes. “She doesn’t want this guy. If this is all you have to offer her, I suggest you sign those divorce papers and let her get on with her life.”

  When James stepped toward the door, Alex grabbed his arm. “What do you think I should do?”

  “Remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Make her forget why she wanted this divorce.” James grinned. “By the way, if Eve asks, I tried to talk to you into signing the papers.”

  ***

  Alex walked into the two-story home he’d built for Eve almost five years ago. It was eerily quiet without her and he’d been spending as little time there as possible. He glanced at the hall table and saw a wedding photo, a photo of them on vacation, and another from the night they celebrated the grand opening of their new factory. He picked up the last frame and noticed for the first time that her smile looked forced. Probably because she knew the new building meant more responsibilities, and by that time, he was already stretched way too thin.

  As he wandered around the house, the only sounds were his footsteps on the glossy hardwood. He closed his eyes and imagined the house filled with sounds of life. Children’s laughter, dogs barking, televisions blaring, telephones and doorbells ringing. Then he realized the house had been lifeless forever. No wonder Eve got tired of living there. The silence was already making him crazy.

  He walked slowly up the stairs, almost afraid to face the memories. Stopping at the doorway to the master suite, he thought about all the love they’d made in their four-poster, king-sized bed. When he came in too late and reached for her while she slept, she never turned him away. Her body and the love she gave so freely, even when he hadn’t earned it, was like a salve after the days when the business world beat him up and left him for dead.

  The tears he’d been aching to shed for days fell freely since no one was there to witness his moment of weakness. He turned around and immediately wished he hadn’t. The empty room across the hall was supposed to be the nursery. When they’d designed the house, Eve wanted it to be right across the hall from their room so they could hear the baby crying during the night.

  His mind tortured him with the sound of a baby crying, and he gripped the door handle as he wrestled the urge to drop to his knees and wail over the dreams he’d single-handedly quashed. He’d always wanted a family with Eve… someday. He just wasn’t ready when she was. He needed a little more time to get used to the idea of being a father. Now he would never be a parent because the thought of anyone else mothering his babies made him sick. His eyes drifted to the corner where she’d said the white rocking chair would sit. He imagined her rocking their baby, singing a sweet lullaby, smiling down at the beautiful little miracle their love created.

  The doorbell rang, pulling him out of his twisted fantasy. If he’d spent more time daydreaming about their baby sooner, he wouldn’t be in that mess. He ran a hand over his face to dry his tears. Clearing his throat, he tightened his silk tie, knowing it didn’t matter how put together he looked when he was falling apart on the inside. He ran down the stairs, half-hoping he would slip and break his neck so he wouldn’t have to deal with another day of misery.

  He cursed softly when he saw his mother and sister on the other side of the wrought iron and glass door. He wished it wasn’t too late to pretend he wasn’t home. As much as he loved his family, he wasn’t in the mood for one of their inquisitions. Pulling open the door, he forced a smile, hoping it would be enough to convince them he was fine.

  “You’re back,” Tonya said, smiling. “How did it go with Eve?” Tonya was thirteen years younger than Alex. She was only nine when he had brought Eve home for the first time, and she always looked up to her as the big sister she’d always wanted.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” The truth was he feared he couldn’t talk about it without breaking down. His marriage was over, and he had to figure out how to move on without Eve. Glancing at the framed wedding photo on the hall table, he wondered how they’d gone from being so happy to contemplating divorce.

  Tonya and her mother shared a concerned glance before Marianne Bolton said, “We expected you to be gone longer. When Tonya got your text about Sharon—”

  “Sharon passed away a few days ago,” he said quietly, closing the door and leading them into the great room. He looked around the austere space. Their possessions surrounded him, but he felt as if he’d stepped into someone else’s life, and he wanted out.

  “Oh no,” Marianne said, reaching for her daughter’s hand.

  His family loved and respected Sharon as much as he did, and he knew their distress was genuine. “Eve is taking it pretty hard.”

  “So why aren’t you there with her?” Tonya demanded, glaring at her brother as though he was the enemy. “She needs you.”

  “No, she doesn’t.” He would give anything, everything, if his wife still needed him.

  “How can you say that?” Marianne demanded. “Sharon was like a mother to her. Think about how wonderful Eve was when your father died.”

  His father’s death was sudden and they were all so distraught, they barely got through the days that followed. Eve stepped up and took over, planning a celebration of life ceremony that would have made his father proud. All day Alex’d been sitting at his desk in a daze, thinking about the amazing qualities that made Eve irreplaceable. He may date again someday, but he knew he would never, ever love anyone the way he loved her. “You don’t have to remind me.”

  “What’s going on?” Tonya asked, her voice trembling. “Is there something you’re not telling us?”

  He knew his mother and sister considered Eve the heart of their family, and he hated that he had to tell them his mistakes meant she wasn’t coming home. “We’re getting a divorce.” Just saying the word nearly destroyed him, but he couldn’t hide from the ugly truth any longer.

 
“You can’t!” Tiffany shouted. “What are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking I don’t have a choice! I can’t force her to stay married to me!”

  Marianne asked gently, “So the divorce was Eve’s idea?”

  “You think I wanted this?” He walked to the window because he couldn’t stand to see the devastation on their faces. He’d let down everyone he loved, and he had to face the consequences of his actions. “Eve is my life.” If he’d done more to prove it, he wouldn’t have to say it.

  “Then tell her that,” Tonya said, crossing the room. She grabbed the arm of his black Armani suit and turned him to face her. “Tell her you still love her, that you’re sorry, that you’ll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.” In many ways, Tonya was still naïve about love and life. She was a senior in college, involved with her first serious boyfriend, and she believed everyone got their happily ever after.

  Alex didn’t want to burst her bubble, but he couldn’t help it. “I told her that. It’s too late.”

  “It can’t be too late! You can’t let it be too late!”

  When Tonya started crying, Alex pulled her into his arms. “It’s going to be okay, sis. Just because she won’t be a part of the family anymore doesn’t mean you can’t stay in touch with her. You can call and email, maybe—”

  Tonya pushed against his chest as she swiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand. “How could you do this? This is all your fault! You ignored her for so many years, like she didn’t even matter.”

  Alex stepped back, reeling from her accusations. “That’s not true. Eve always knew how much I loved her.”

  “Is she leaving you for someone else?” Tonya glared at him. “Someone who’ll love her the way she deserves?”

  Alex adored his baby sister, but at the moment, he felt like throttling her. Mainly because her words hit too close to home. She was one of the few people who didn’t cower in fear every time he walked into the room.

  “Tonya, please,” Marianne said. “This isn’t the time to blame—”