Don't Forget Me

by B C Schiller

  ‘A wonderful profession, though it also sounds rather melancholy from the way you describe it,’ Olivia said, wiping her face with the towel Levi had brought.

  ‘Sometimes it’s not easy,’ Levi said. ‘We’re constantly working on Rebecca’s low self-esteem – she’s up and down the whole time. Anyway, why am I telling you all this? We’re supposed to be discussing Lisa Manz here, not my marriage.’

  ‘OK, OK.’ Olivia pointed to a framed photo on the shelves. ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Yep. It was taken at my bar mitzvah. I was thirteen. That day I became a full member of our congregation.’

  ‘You’re an orthodox Jew?’ Olivia was surprised.

  ‘No, but I belong to the faith. I owe that to my grandmother, Esther.’

  ‘What happened to her?’

  ‘She only escaped deportation to Dachau by sheer luck. Between 1938 and 1945 she stayed in hiding, otherwise she too would have been murdered by the Nazis. Her only possession was a coat with many pockets in which she kept her things, along with mementos of many of her neighbours who were taken. She had a terrible time, but she never lost her sense of humour or her positive attitude. She wore that worn coat every time she went to the synagogue on Saturdays, right up until the day she died. I still have it. It reminds me to stay modest and content with my life. Not to complain about things, even when it feels like you’re walking through a long, dark tunnel. Some people have had darker times than me, others less so.’

  Olivia said quietly, ‘Can I see the coat some day?’

  ‘Sure, I’ll show it to you at some point but for now, enough of the old stories.’

  Levi waited until Olivia had dried herself a little more, then went to open up the filing cabinet.

  ‘Wow, are these files all on the Lisa Manz case?’ Olivia had stepped behind Levi. ‘And that’s where she was found?’ She pointed to one of the photos of the crime scene.

  ‘That’s right. You can probably understand now why I was so determined to find the murderer. Only someone with a heart of ice and an implacable will could burn a young girl to death.’ Levi clenched his fist and pointed to the photo of the charred skull with his knuckles. ‘Whoever did this needs to be punished,’ he whispered.

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ll find Lisa’s murderer,’ Olivia said to comfort him.

  ‘Either that or her murderer will find us . . .’

  23

  LISA’S DIARY

  I’m sitting in one of the usual treatment rooms again. My heart is pounding. This morning they put me on an intravenous drip and my whole body feels numb. My face is reflected in the polished surface of the metal cabinets. It looks like a skull with long blonde feathers. My eyes are huge. I’m not Lisa any more.

  ‘Take your things off,’ the doctor says.

  I don’t have the energy to disobey. The white gown falls off my shoulders. I hate my body – it is so thin and scraggy, but when I eat, I put on weight, and I really don’t want to be fat. Only cutting helps.

  ‘You’re quite a pretty young woman really,’ the doctor says appreciatively.

  ‘I don’t like myself.’

  ‘Have you been cutting again?’

  ‘Yes, I do it often.’

  The doctor takes one of my arms and looks at the scars. He clicks his tongue contemptuously. The arm is covered with new scabs and scars. When I look at myself in the mirror the cuts look an actual pattern.

  ‘Why do you do that?’

  ‘The pain makes me feel alive. I need to feel myself. I don’t mind the pain.’

  I hear the words, but I barely comprehend them. It’s as though someone else is speaking through me.

  ‘You have a sophisticated way of talking,’ the doctor says. ‘Are you intelligent, would you say?’

  ‘I learned all this from my mother’s scripts. I’ve been reading since I was five.’

  ‘Do you like your mother?’

  ‘Yes, I love her, but she hates me.’

  ‘Why do you think that?’

  ‘She says I destroyed her career as an actor and that whenever I’m away, she has her peace and quiet back.’

  ‘And without the pain you feel like you’re dead?’ The doctor changed the subject. ‘Would you like to die?’

  ‘Maybe, but before that I’d like to leave my mark in this world.’

  ‘What kind of a mark?’

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘Why did you attack the riding instructor?’

  ‘Because he wanted to complain about me to my father.’

  ‘Does your father control you?’

  ‘He likes everything to be in order. For him, I’m just chaos.’

  ‘Do you hate order and discipline?’

  ‘When my father comes in my room, I have to control myself.’

  ‘What does he want of you?’

  ‘I’m not allowed to talk about it.’

  ‘OK, let’s leave that until later.’ The doctor clears his throat. ‘Your priority is to learn to accept your body and your feelings, then you will automatically stop the cutting. Stand up, please. We’ll start the treatment now.’

  I get up obediently and stand naked in front of the doctor.

  ‘What’s going to happen now?’

  ‘You will learn more about your feelings.’

  24

  The sad passages from Lisa’s diary were still echoing in Olivia’s mind.

  ‘It’s outrageous,’ she whispered, ‘how much this young girl had to suffer!’

  ‘To me it sounds like a clear case of abuse,’ Levi said. ‘She stands naked in front of a doctor – that alone is a scandal. Do you have any idea who that doctor could have been?’

  ‘Nils is an arsehole, but I can’t imagine he’d do something like that.’

  ‘Who else could it be apart from Nils Wagner?’

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘Have you noticed that the diary is mainly written in the form of dialogue?’ Levi asked.

  ‘Yes, she’s probably imitating her mother’s scripts – to me it shows how much she wanted to please her mother, though it seems her mother always ignored her.’

  ‘Do you think her father abused her as well?’

  ‘It’s possible, but he may also have carried out some coercive control.’

  ‘In any case, her relationship with her parents wasn’t good,’ Levi said. ‘There was no one she could turn to. I feel very sorry for her.’

  ‘It happens quite frequently with children of rich parents. If the kids don’t adapt, they’re packed off to boarding school or a clinic.’

  Levi looked at his watch. ‘Rebecca will be home soon, so you’d better go now. Shall we still meet tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes, as arranged.’ Olivia felt she was being pushed out. She’d have loved to analyse the few pages of Lisa’s diary with Levi all night, but now she felt rejected. She took the book from him and put it back in her bag. ‘I’ll take it with me. Maybe I can find out which doctor she’s talking about.’

  Soon afterwards, Olivia was standing back out on the pavement, unlocking her bike. The rain had ceased at last. She needed some distraction because Lisa’s story would not leave her, and she didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening ruminating on how Lisa’s young life had gone so catastrophically wrong. Her mobile beeped to notify her of a text:

  Cinema at eight o’clock. Are you coming?

  Followed by a smiley face. It was from Simon Berger.

  Olivia immediately sent back a thumbs-up emoji and pedalled off fast. She didn’t have much time to get to the cinema.

  ‘How lovely you could come,’ Simon said, greeting her with a peck on the cheek.

  ‘What kind of film is it?’ Olivia asked after studying the poster. A man was carrying a beautiful woman without legs on his back towards the sea.

  ‘It’s a drama,’ Simon answered, his voice low as if it wasn’t right to discuss a serious film at full volume. ‘The woman’s legs were ripped off by a killer whale, but she’s not giving up.’

&nbs
p; ‘Sounds very positive.’

  ‘Yes, it’s inspirational,’ Simon said, nodding. ‘Maybe we could show the film to our patients as a kind of motivational incentive.’

  ‘I’m not sure about that.’ Olivia thought of her father endlessly watching his film. No, that sort of passive behaviour would not be right for her patients.

  After the cinema they headed to a Schanigarten, one of the typical Viennese garden pubs. At first they talked about the film, which Olivia had liked. The acting had impressed her, but gradually their talk moved on from general topics to more personal ones.

  ‘Do you cycle in all weathers?’ Simon asked.

  ‘Yes, it keeps me fit and gives me energy for the day and it strengthens my immune system.’

  ‘Sounds like a great write-up for cycling.’

  ‘Exactly!’ Olivia laughed and took another sip of wine. The alcohol was relaxing her, and thoughts of Lisa had been pushed to the back of her mind. When was the last time she’d laughed so freely? She couldn’t remember.

  ‘I have a mountain bike. Maybe we could go on a bike trip at the weekend,’ Simon said.

  ‘I don’t have a mountain bike, only a very uncool retro number.’

  ‘But the way you ride, it looks very cool.’

  ‘Oh, stop it.’ Olivia waved him away. ‘Nobody has ever described me as cool.’

  ‘That’s because you probably dazzle everyone with your good looks.’

  ‘Oh yeah, probably.’ Olivia smiled ironically and ran her fingers through her short hair. She hoped it wouldn’t go grey as early as her mother’s had done. Olivia didn’t mind getting older, but she didn’t want grey hair. Especially when she was out for the evening with a much younger man.

  ‘I’ll find an easy route for us. It shouldn’t be a problem with your bike.’

  ‘Yes, OK.’ Olivia was amused.

  All of a sudden she thought again of Lisa Manz and quickly had another sip of wine, trying to banish her from her mind. ‘Tell me about yourself. I don’t know anything about you,’ she asked Simon.

  ‘Well, I’m really quite boring – happy childhood, no problems in school or at university. Everything according to plan.’

  ‘And girlfriends?’

  ‘Never had time for that,’ Simon answered, averting his eyes. He waved at the waiter to order another two glasses of spritzer.

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ Olivia said.

  Simon looked away, embarrassed. ‘You caught me out. I have to confess, I never missed out on anything in my younger years.’

  ‘You were working at the clinic five years ago, weren’t you?’ Olivia asked. ‘Do you remember a patient named Lisa Manz, by any chance? Did you ever happen to notice her writing in a diary?’

  ‘I did my traineeship there. You mean the girl who was later found burned to death? No, I never met her.’

  Silence. Olivia felt that there was nothing left to talk about so started hunting through her bag for her purse.

  And then Simon asked, ‘What actually was it that happened to your family?’ And the whole relaxed evening that had wrapped itself around Olivia like a soft duvet was ripped away and the familiar icy chill once more flooded her mind like a cruel spring tide.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’ve heard some rumours at the clinic. Is it true that your husband and daughter simply disappeared one day?’

  Olivia moved away from Simon, hurt and angry. Suddenly the atmosphere felt charged, like before a storm.

  ‘What happened? Do you want to talk about it?’ Simon insisted.

  ‘There’s nothing to tell.’ Olivia’s voice was hard now, and all of a sudden she was stone-cold sober. ‘Everything’s fine,’ she said, slapping a twenty euro note on the table. ‘I just need to go now.’

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Simon said, running after her, but Olivia had already left the Schanigarten. Frantically she undid the lock on her bike, nearly crying now.

  ‘It’s just that I’m interested in you,’ Simon explained from behind her.

  ‘Don’t bother,’ Olivia retorted. ‘Stick to women your own age.’

  ‘Can we meet again?’ Simon asked.

  ‘At some point maybe. I’m tired now and I want to go home.’

  ‘Olivia, please wait!’ Simon called after her, but she didn’t turn around and instead jumped on her bike and pedalled off.

  Cycling around town for a while helped to calm her a little. Questions about Michael and Juli still threw her completely sometimes. Would that ever end?

  She was approaching the Ninth District by now, near her office, and rode along Währinger Strasse before stopping off at an alternative arts centre. It was a mild summer evening and the restaurant in the courtyard was still busy, but she managed to find a table to herself. Her thoughts turned back to Jonathan and Lisa, but she resisted the urge to pull the diary from her bag.

  Pleasantly relaxed and tired after another glass of wine, Olivia set off again. Her father came into her mind as she cycled along the now empty streets; she hadn’t visited him today, but it was too late now. She just hoped that the person who looked after him two evenings a week had set the DVD to play on an endless loop. She wondered whether her father knew about Lisa Manz’s strange disappearance from the clinic. She couldn’t imagine that he did. He’d always been a psychiatrist of the highest integrity, with a reputation for treating people marginalised by society with respect and care, whether out in the rainforest or back home, here in Vienna. No, her father definitely would not know anything about what had happened to Lisa.

  All of a sudden, a huge four-wheel drive with bright headlights shot out of a side street at high speed and raced directly towards Olivia, clipping her bike and throwing her into the air. As she crashed down on the road, she was aware only of the sound of the car driving away before everything went black.

  25

  The next morning, Levi waited in front of Kaffeehaus Stein on the Schottenring and looked at his watch. Olivia was more than half an hour late. He paced the pavement nervously, repeatedly trying her mobile but each time it went straight to voicemail. Finally, tired of waiting, he went into the Kaffeehaus. An hour and four espressos later he still hadn’t heard from Olivia, so he set off for the police academy, hoping that her father was all right. She’d seemed so eager to meet when they spoke last night that he could only assume something serious had happened to keep her away.

  Only a handful of people were present in the main lecture hall of the police academy when Levi went to stand at the lectern. It was his last lecture before the summer holidays and most of his students had started their internships with various police departments. The few students still around were specialising in outdoor forensics and Levi would be talking about it for the next two hours. He checked his mobile numerous times while he was speaking and projecting photos of different crime scenes onto the big screen, but still no news from Olivia.

  Afterwards he dialled the number of the clinic.

  ‘Can I please speak to Frau Doctor Hofmann?’

  ‘One moment, I’ll put you through,’ the friendly voice at the switchboard said. Levi felt disappointment spread through him. Had Olivia really forgotten their meeting?

  ‘I’m sorry, Doctor Hofmann isn’t answering.’

  ‘Is she not in today?’ Levi asked.

  ‘Oh yes, she was due in at two o’clock this afternoon. Wait, I’ll try to find her on a different number.’ He waited several minutes, then the voice of the receptionist came again: ‘Strange, but nobody knows where she is.’

  ‘Have you seen her at all today?’

  ‘No.’ The woman stopped to think. ‘One moment, I’ll just see if her bicycle’s outside.’ After a short time, she came back. ‘No, her bike’s not here either.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Levi said and ended the call. He tried ringing Olivia in her office but again he only got the answer machine. He was growing increasingly concerned and wasn’t sure what to do, until he remembered a former colleague who might be ab
le to help.

  ‘Schmidt, it’s Levi Kant here,’ he said when the man answered. Schmidt ran the police radio system and Levi had once covered for him during an illegal surveillance. Schmidt owed him one.

  ‘I need to track a mobile. ASAP, if possible.’

  ‘No problem. What’s the number?’ Schmidt asked.

  While they waited for the information to come through, Schmidt asked Levi how he was.

  ‘Great. This lecturing job is just perfect for me,’ Levi said.

  ‘I never would have thought so. You loved your department heart and soul, didn’t you?’

  ‘Well, when the heart isn’t in it any more, the soul doesn’t have much fun either.’ Levi was alluding to his injury. ‘Have you got a signal?’ he said, changing the subject.

  ‘Yes, from near the hospital on the ring road. The mobile presumably is in the hospital there.’

  ‘Thanks, mate. We’re quits now,’ Levi said to his ex-colleague, ending the call.

  He quickly left the academy and jumped into his Saab 900. As usual, the four-lane ring road – the Gürtel – was one long traffic jam, and Levi mostly crawled along at a walking pace. By the time the dark double towers of the general hospital loomed into view, the journey had taken a full hour.

  ‘Inspector Kant. I’m looking for Doctor Olivia Hofmann. I think she may have been admitted,’ he said at reception.

  ‘Doctor Hofmann, you said?’ The receptionist scrolled through the lists on her screen. ‘You don’t know which department she might be in? We have nearly two thousand people here and thirty-nine clinical departments.’

  ‘No, I’m sorry. Could she be on the patient register?’

  ‘Sorry, our departments are not listed alongside the relevant names.’ The woman shrugged apologetically.

  ‘Would you please try the emergency department?’ Levi suggested.

  ‘The emergency department?’

  ‘Yes, where you’re taken after an accident.’

  ‘You mean A & E.’

  ‘Exactly.’