Nightshade

by Molly McAdams

  A shuddering breath ripped through my body as Kieran’s room came into focus.

  “I’m fine.”

  “I know,” he whispered against my shoulder.

  “I’m fine,” I repeated, my voice tight.

  I felt his head dip in a nod and his body move from mine. “I know.”

  “I’m fine.” A sob wrenched from my chest. My body bowed under the overwhelming grief and fear and aches of what was happening in my life.

  I’d never felt weaker.

  And I couldn’t stop.

  Kieran was there, wrapping the comforter around me and pulling me into his arms as he sat back against the headboard. He just kept whispering how sorry he was. Over and over.

  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t form the words to tell him that it wasn’t his fault.

  No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t beg him to make it all go away.

  The madness.

  AJ.

  The lying.

  The unknown.

  The fear.

  Everything.

  So I lay there in his arms, showing him my every weakness, until I mercifully fell asleep.

  I ran a hand over my face and dropped my head against the headboard as I replayed the morning in my mind.

  Every word. Every look. Every sound.

  Every mistake I’d made with her.

  I knew she couldn’t handle being fucked like that. I knew. And I’d somehow forgotten everything but my need for her until she’d gone utterly still beneath me.

  And then I’d watched as the strongest girl I knew completely broke.

  The only reason I wasn’t going out of my mind was the sole fact that she’d let me pull her to me. That she’d fallen into my arms and stayed.

  Looking down at the sleeping girl wrapped in my arms, I trailed my fingers across her cheek and down her jaw, savoring this short time with her. After another pass across her cheek, I carefully moved out from underneath her and forced myself away without looking back.

  I knew if I did, I wouldn’t leave.

  Once I was dressed and armed, I left and headed down the halls until I reached Beck’s room.

  I didn’t knock. He never seemed to.

  My attention immediately went to where he was passed out on his bed as I strode in.

  I didn’t stop moving, I just smacked his back on my way to open his blinds.

  He jumped off his bed, his arms up and hands curled into fists. Facing away from me. “What? Come at me, you fuck. What?”

  I knocked on the wall I was leaning against and waited for him to turn to look at me.

  The sleep immediately cleared from his eyes when he saw me, and anger filled its place. “Can I help you?”

  “Need to talk to you.”

  “Unless it’s about the ghost, I don’t wanna talk.”

  I shifted my head in the slightest shake. “It’s not. But I’ve been following and digging nonstop since we last talked. There’s still nothing. He is a ghost . . . or Mickey’s just bullshitting, and there’s no one.”

  Beck lifted a brow. “What, you finally had time to do what you promised? Trouble in paradise?” An irritated laugh punched from his chest. “Are you surprised? Did you forget what she is?”

  I slid a knife from my pocket. “This is the only warning you’ll get. Don’t talk about her like that.”

  He eyed the knife then gave a hard nod.

  “I need to know about the people Jessica’s mom owes. Who she owes.”

  Beck just continued to stare at me.

  “Who is she paying?”

  He shrugged. “Me.”

  I gripped the knife and clenched my teeth. “Unless you want to explain the bruises on her neck . . . who else?”

  He sucked in a breath and held it in as his head dropped back. When he ran his hands over his face and gripped at his beard, he finally let the air out in a hard rush. “Jesus fuck. Kieran, man—”

  I threw the knife to the right of his head and had another ready before the first was sticking out of the wall.

  “Jesus fuck, man, fuck. Let me talk!”

  “Talk faster,” I said on a growl.

  “I didn’t fucking do it. You know I wouldn’t,” he said quickly, holding his hands out in front of him. “But I was trying to figure out how to explain it without you throwing a goddamn knife at me. And you did it anyway.”

  I stared him down for a few seconds before folding my arms over my chest. “Explain.”

  “It’s not the first time she’s had them.” He held his hands to his chest and said, “I fucking lost my mind the first couple times, but she just laughed. You know that damn laugh? She laughed like she thought it was the funniest damn thing that I was worried about her.”

  I didn’t tell him that she hadn’t laughed with me.

  I waited for him to continue.

  “You know I already hate what she does. I don’t want to think about what she does with those guys. Especially when they leave marks on her like that. So I don’t talk to her about it now.”

  Beck was an idiot. “How often does it happen?”

  He let loose a ragged breath as he thought. “I don’t know. In the ten years I’ve known her, I’ve seen it four . . . maybe five times. I don’t know, could be more. Maybe double.”

  I nodded and forced myself not to throw another knife near him just to scare him for being blind. “It’s not one of her clients.”

  “Clients,” he said, scoffing.

  “She owes people money. One of them is doing this. Who does she owe so I can put an end to it?”

  For the first time since Beck had walked into my room to find Jessica there, he wasn’t looking at me like he hated me. He looked sorry for me.

  “I know what it’s like to want her,” he said. “I know what it’s like to get trapped in her. Trust me.” He laughed sadly and walked to his bed to fall heavily onto it. “But, man . . . she doesn’t owe anyone but me. She isn’t paying anyone but me. Even though you don’t want to think anything bad about her now, it is Jess. She is crazy. Have you considered that maybe she’s lying to you?”

  “Dozens of times,” I said immediately. “In the beginning.” I pushed from the wall and dropped my arms, sliding my knife into its spot. “Who she really is? She’s not crazy, and she doesn’t lie.”

  Not to me.

  “Keep telling yourself that,” Beck murmured. “I’ll be here for you when you realize how good she is at playing her game.”

  I walked over to the wall and pulled my knife from it. “How do I find her brother?”

  An amused huff burst from Beck until he realized I was serious. “Dude, she doesn’t have a brother.”

  I nodded and tapped the blade against my open palm as I turned for the door. When I had it open, I stopped and looked back at Beck. “Have you ever considered she’s been lying to you?”

  With everything going on with the ghost, I’d started to wonder if I was losing my ability to find anyone. Or if Jessica had dulled my mind to anything other than her.

  The fact that I was staring at the person I’d spent less than thirty minutes tracking confirmed I hadn’t lost a thing.

  The guy Mickey hired was really damn good. Or, as I’d told Beck, didn’t exist. It would be like Mickey to have us scrambling around, looking for someone who wasn’t there. And I’d be pissed if that was what it came down to.

  But with nothing more than an easy slip into the Raleigh Police Department’s system to check a schedule and get an address and phone number, I’d followed Jessica’s brother to where he was having lunch with a pregnant blonde in Wake Forest.

  All I could see when I looked at her was Lily.

  And I hated Beck for telling me the way he did. For telling me at all.

  It would’ve been easier never knowing.

  I watched as she stood from the table and ran her hands over her swollen stomach, her diamond ring flashing in the light of the restaurant as she laughed about something. She started toward the
back of the restaurant, toward me, but I waited until she was halfway there before I moved from where I’d been tucked into a darkened corner.

  She smiled as she passed by, but I kept my eyes ahead.

  I couldn’t look at her when I would only see a failed job and future that I’d lost . . . even if it should’ve never been mine.

  Jessica’s brother tensed, his hands fisting on the table when I soundlessly slid into the side of the booth his wife had just left.

  His dark eyes flashed, then widened with recognition. I could see the way his body tensed and twitched, like he wanted to check on the girl he’d just let go.

  His teeth gnashed. “Can I fucking help you?”

  “Jentry, right?”

  He didn’t answer.

  I pointed toward the fisted hand that showed his wedding band. “Your wife? She’s fine. But I plan to be gone before she comes back. So this will go faster if you answer.”

  “Then talk,” he said through gritted teeth.

  I could see the darkness rolling beneath the surface, and for a second I almost smiled.

  Jessica might’ve been right when she’d said we were alike.

  “Why won’t you help your sister?”

  “That doesn’t concern you.”

  My mouth curled into a cruel smile. “I don’t agree.”

  His chest pitched with a huff of disbelief. “I’ve tried. For years, I’ve tried.”

  “Ever asked her what she needs help with?”

  “What she wants is for someone to give her money. What she needs is to get away from our mother and all that shit,” he hissed. “She needs to get away from what she’s doing. I want to help her.”

  “What she needs is for you to believe her.”

  He settled in his seat, his head shaking and his mouth pulling in an incredulous smile. “I don’t know you. I doubt you know her. I seriously fucking doubt you know what she needs.”

  “And that’s why she’s never let you help her.” I slid out of the booth, but leaned on the table to whisper, “She’s in trouble because she’s been trying to take care of everything by herself. She needs help. There’s only so much I can do. You’re a cop. Do something.”

  “She lies,” he said when I’d taken a few steps away, and he waited to continue until I was looking at him again. “Clearly you haven’t known her long enough. But that’s what she does. Lies and does whatever it takes to piss people off. It’s hard to help her when she doesn’t want to be helped. It’s hard to help her when you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.”

  I wondered if anyone had ever seen the real Jessica before.

  If anyone knew what she was like beneath the chaos.

  I shook my head and stepped back. “Wait for her to stop laughing. That’s when it’s real.”

  I stepped up to one of the walls in Kieran’s bedroom and ran my fingers over the many hollows in it, wondering how many were due to boredom and training, and how many were in response to his darkness.

  I’d woken to an empty bed and room, but somehow, I’d felt calm and safe.

  Maybe it was this room. Maybe it was still being wrapped in his comforter and scent. Maybe it was simply his lingering presence.

  I wanted this comfort forever.

  I was going to miss it.

  As much as I wanted to stay here, I now only had five days before I had to come up with three thousand dollars . . . and I was struggling with how to do that.

  I knew how, but five days wasn’t enough time. A week wouldn’t have been enough.

  And now I had no phone to contact my clients. I had a man in an SUV stalking my every move. And I had Kieran . . .

  But he would never look at me the same.

  I knew he would find a way to help me if I asked. I knew he would put an end to AJ.

  But it wasn’t his job, and I never wanted to owe him for anything.

  Momma was my responsibility. Always had been, always would be.

  A shudder moved through my body and I dragged in a sharp breath.

  There.

  I bit at my lip to hide my smile. He was just so silent.

  “What if I was made for you and you were made for me?” I asked quietly.

  His strong arms folded around my waist, pulling me against his chest.

  My eyes shut as I tried to memorize the feel of him molded to me like this.

  “Talk to me,” he begged.

  “About what?”

  “Everything.”

  I looked at him and smiled against the quick kiss he pressed to my lips. “I hate that I miss you when you’re not around. I hate that I feel so weak without you . . . and so vulnerable with you.”

  He traced a thumb down my jaw and over my throat. “You’re the strongest woman I know.”

  “It doesn’t feel that way.”

  His pale eyes studied mine for a long time before he said, “Maybe because you feel like you can let your guard down for the first time. That doesn’t mean you’re weak.”

  Dropping your guard allowed emotions to slip through.

  Emotions made you weak.

  Being seen made you weak.

  And he saw pieces of me that should’ve been silenced years ago.

  The corner of my mouth twitched into a small smile. “If you say so.”

  He dropped another swift kiss on my lips then slowly moved away from me, giving me time to steady myself now that he wasn’t supporting me.

  When I turned to face him, he was a few feet away, his expression grave and his arms folded over his chest. “This morning . . .”

  “Don’t.”

  “We have to. What I did—” A pained noise sounded from deep in his chest. “I should’ve never let it get to that point.”

  A breath of a laugh fell from my lips. “What you did? I liked what you did.”

  His eyes darkened with a mixture of need and frustration.

  “I did,” I repeated, my voice firm. “What happened at the end was just . . . unfortunate.”

  “Not the word that comes to mind,” he ground out.

  “I wanted you to continue. But with everything going on—” I bit down on my lip and swallowed thickly. The ache in my throat another reminder. Another piece of that everything. “It just consumed me so fast, and I couldn’t stop it.”

  “You’re not going to tell me what’s happening.”

  I shook my head.

  He studied me, his fingers moving in a rolling motion to calm himself where they remained crossed over his chest. “I should’ve never let it get to that point,” he repeated.

  “It’s a shame you feel that way, because I’ve been thinking . . .”

  His brow ticked up at my tone, but he didn’t respond or move as I walked to where I’d left my bag—where I’d left what I’d borrowed from AJ’s warehouse.

  I’ve been thinking we need this.

  I’ve been thinking I need one last time with you before you can’t stand to look at me.

  I’ve been thinking you mean more than you were ever supposed to.

  My heart squeezed painfully, but I forced myself to ignore it—forced myself to focus on the way I was suddenly breathless. On the way my stomach was curling with want. On the way I was trembling with excitement and fear at the thought of what I was going to suggest.

  Kieran’s eyes narrowed at the sound when my bag shifted, his brow dropping low.

  “I’ve been thinking.” My voice was rough and barely audible to my ears as I reached into my bag. “I don’t think you’d ever be able to actually hurt me.”

  His head had already started to shake, whether to assure me or warn me, I wasn’t sure, but he stopped. His expression morphed into confusion and apprehension as I slowly pulled out the long steel chain. “What—?”

  “You can’t face me. I can’t give up control.” I tossed my bag to the side and gathered the chain in my hands. With a deep breath, I looked up at him and said, “Take control.”

  Heat and want and carnal need burned in his
eyes.

  His chest moved with shallow, heaving breaths as his stare pierced me to the floor.

  “Jessica,” he murmured, his voice wary, “after what happened this morning—”

  “Take control,” I said again, my tone almost pleading.

  Fight my demons, I silently added.

  His arms slowly fell to hang at his sides, his hands clenched in tight fists as he stared at me with a look so raw and animalistic my belly flooded with heat.

  “And face me.”

  Like a switch, everything was gone.

  He was still. His eyes were cold.

  “No.” The answer was sharp, slicing through the air between us like one of his blades.

  “You won’t hurt me.”

  Kieran looked at me like I was . . . well, like I was insane. “You’ve seen me,” he argued.

  “You won’t hurt me,” I repeated. “You have too much control even when you think you don’t.”

  “Sometimes I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t remember doing things. Grabbing things. Grabbing knives. No.”

  “And you’ve never cut me.”

  “I will hurt you,” he said roughly, his voice pained. “Jessica . . .” He raked his hands through his hair. “Did you forget what happened the first time? What happened this morning? And I was still me.”

  “I remember everything with you. I’ve already thought through everything. I trust you.”

  “You don’t know what you’re asking,” he said. “It will be there. It will come. I’ll hurt you, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”

  “I trust you.”

  “I can’t.” He shrugged helplessly. “I can’t take that risk with you.”

  “You’re going to be afraid of what that thing inside you is capable of for the rest of your life if you don’t face him.” My throat tightened and I choked out, “I’m going to be forever wrecked by the demons in my head if I don’t face them. And I’m not facing them without you.”

  Minutes passed in weighted, pressing silence as we watched each other.

  I’d already spent every minute of last night thinking of what I wanted. What I needed.

  What we both needed.

  I already knew I could trust the man standing in front of me.