Paradise

by Patti Flather

  wally: Susan McDonald? You know who this is. I’m calling about my bus pass. It’s five a.m. I don’t get anywhere calling you at your office.

  I know where you park your shiny red Subaru at night. From the phone book. That’s a cushy neighbourhood for you. Your hubby and your two kids. The picture on your desk. Seashells on the frame. Did your little girl make that for you?

  Alls I’m saying is I know where you live. So pick up the phone in your office. And get me my fucking bus pass.

  Luscious Linda

  Sounds of Dixieland jazz. george enters a jazz club.

  george: Do you come here often? This is my first time. Would you like to see my kazoo? That didn’t come out right.

  George. Family doctor. Linda. Luscious Linda. Oops, bad doctor. Give me a spanking, please! I do have a beeper. Beep! Doctor Feel Good is on call day and night. Doctor Feel Good does house calls. He brings his doctor’s bag. All sorts of things. Stethoscope. Tongue depressor. Whoopee cushion. That and a good limerick work very well on an anxious patient.

  There once was a man from Belfast

  Whose balls were made out of brass

  When his balls clanged together

  They caused stormy weather

  And lightning shot out of his ass!

  Do you feel less anxious now?

  Beat.

  I’d love to.

  george dances with the unseen Linda. He stops.

  No. You don’t look anything like my . . . ex-wife.

  Beat.

  Really.

  Round and Round the Tree

  george enters with an old box. rachel enters. He pulls out the children’s book Winnie-the-Pooh.

  george: Rachel, look. We didn’t sell everything. I found this in a box with your old things.

  rachel: Winnie-the-Pooh? No way.

  george: You always loved this book.

  rachel: Where’s the part where Pooh and Piglet go hunting for woozles?

  george: Right here.

  rachel: This is the one with hostile animals. Oh, there’s the woozle tracks.

  george: Round and round the tree.

  rachel: Pooh and Piglet never knew how to catch a woozle.

  george: But they tried very hard.

  rachel: Without a clue they were following their own paw marks in the snow.

  george: Pooh figured it out, in the end.

  Beat.

  rachel: I, um, when I was down in Central America. I called this one time. I wanted, I don’t know, to hear your voice reading about Pooh Bear. Sitting on your lap.

  Beat.

  I called but I couldn’t get through.

  Beat.

  I wonder what would have happened if I got through, and you read to me over a crackling line.

  george: Is . . . is everything all right?

  Beat.

  rachel: Yeah.

  Beat.

  I’m glad you found the book.

  rachel gets a nosebleed.

  george: You’ve got a nosebleed.

  rachel: Oh geez.

  george: Here’s a Kleenex. Apply some pressure.

  rachel: It’s fine.

  george: You never used to get them.

  rachel: It’s nothing.

  george: Are you sure?

  rachel: Yeah. I’ll see you later. Good night, Daddy.

  george: Good night. My little girl.

  Good Little Truck

  wally shows his old truck to a potential buyer in his apartment complex parking garage.

  wally: Eight hundred dollars or maybe a trade. There’s hardly any rust. Size of a fist, like I said. I didn’t think you’d come so late. It’s a good little truck.

  Um, I thought you would be a younger guy, you know, when you called. Like I say, this is more a young guy’s truck, nothing fancy.

  You’re pretty big. I wasn’t expecting that when you called, and maybe a bit younger and it’s pitch-black out. I was honest. There’s a little rust on this door. I’m sorry you feel that way. Would you go for seven fifty? What line of work did you say . . . ?

  No, you don’t look—I just mean, you’re a big guy. You probably work out and that’s—I see on your neck, it’s a snake, right? Some of the guys I logged with had tattoos and they were solid guys in the union with me.

  You’d better go now. I didn’t mean to waste your time. I said not much rust and eight hundred dollars, maybe we can work out a deal.

  It’s time to go. I said you’d better go if you know what’s good for you. You’re the one looming, threatening me after dark. Get out of here.

  wally pulls out his gun and points it.

  Get the fuck out of here. Now. Do I fucking look like I’m joking? Back away. Do it now.

  Pause. wally is shaken. He puts his gun down. He dials his phone.

  Is this the police? I want to report a threat.

  Interrogations

  khalil has his first interview with CSIS officials. wally is in a police interview room.

  khalil: You’re from Canada, right? I’m so happy to see you here. Thank god. This is crazy.

  wally: I’ve never been in a, specifically, a police room like this. No, no trouble with the tape recorder. I remember what happened in the parking garage, just not every single word.

  khalil: They have me mixed up with someone else. No thanks, I don’t want pop. How is my grandmother? Does she know I’m here? Have you talked to her? Please let me call her.

  wally: Yeah, it’s a situation all right. He’s pointing out every single bad spot like he wants me to give the truck away.

  khalil: Why didn’t you come sooner? I am grateful you’re here. I just thought you guys would—I mean, I’m Canadian. I’m volunteering with Afghans4Tomorrow. Didn’t you guys know I was here? Does the prime minister know? What about the media? Why can’t you talk about that?

  wally: He’s like, that headlight’s busted, there’s a tear in the seat. He’s saying I wasted his time driving over and that’s a lot more rust. And I just, well, if you’re not interested, go back to Rockwood, and he didn’t want to, you know.

  khalil: I need to call my grandmother. Then could you give me a pen? Let me send a letter with you. Why are you asking me that? I’m not radicalized. I thought you were here to help me.

  wally: He’s wearing one of those wifebeaters. He was going to make me hand my keys over. You say he called the cops on me? That’s a good one because I’m the one—I’m the victim, I’m the, what’s the word? Complainant, yeah. I called you guys right away. Hey, where are you going?

  khalil: I don’t want pop. I want a pen. A letter. A lawyer. You flew here from Canada to grill me about my confession? I never meant to say those things. I swear.

  wally: I know this is procedure, you confiscate my weapons and drive me down here to the station till we sort this out. Then you give my guns back to me, right? All my legal, duly registered firearms.

  khalil: You didn’t waste your time flying here. I am co-operating. You have to get me out of here. Protect me from the Americans. It hurt a lot, what they did. I made up stories just to make them stop, that’s all. Every word was lies.

  wally: Sure, I had the rifle on the living-room floor. You clean it, make some reloads. Sit with the dog and look at the gun digest and types of barrels or shells or, you know, a hobby. Normally I lock it up but, you know, Saturday cleaning day.

  khalil: I had my cellphone. That’s it.

  wally: Guy probably goes to the gym, did you see the tattoos? I forgot to say one headlight’s shot, so shoot me. He’s hostile, he’s the kind of guy at work, he asks for the chainsaw and he’s used to getting it every time.

  No, I had my keys in my hand, my key chain, my—I didn’t point, didn’t happen. Sometimes, my back pocket, I keep the shells there, rattling arou
nd. Is he involved in a chop shop?

  khalil: No, I walked near the base. Took pictures of the hedgehog’s footprints. The lizard’s blue throat. The rat snake’s old skin. For my grandmother. This was her village. My mother’s too. I took pictures of the earth. They have it on my phone. It’s not illegal.

  wally: I have no clue why a guy would mix up a key chain and a chrome-plated .357 Magnum. You’re telling me to lie and say I’m guilty. Why would I . . . ? No. Let me finish . . . I said . . . I am not interrupting.

  I’m the one who phoned you guys. You got your own shoot-’em-up cops movie. You meet too many bad guys and when someone’s trying to defuse a situation . . .

  khalil: I know they’re our allies. What do you mean, your hands are tied because of what I said? But I told you . . . Wait, don’t go. When are you coming back?

  wally: All right, we’re done. Do I take the bus or do we go in your squad car? Are you—what about my guns?

  khalil: Nana. I’ll be back to pick peaches.

  rachel goes through the box with some of her old things. A teddy bear. Winnie-the-Pooh. khalil and rachel enter a flashback.

  The peaches are ripe.

  rachel: I love peaches.

  khalil: I picked the best one for you.

  He gives her a peach. They eat it together.

  rachel: It’s so juicy.

  khalil: It’s running down your chin.

  rachel: Yours too.

  They laugh. They wipe the juices. The flashback ends.

  Khalil. I found Snake World.

  Bad Doctor

  george is at the jazz club dancing with the unseen Linda.

  george: Luscious Linda!

  Beat.

  You seem very self-actualized. It’s from Abraham Maslow. An American psychologist. He grew up lonely. Later he began studying the truly mentally healthy people. I didn’t mean to lecture. Bad doctor! More spanking, please!

  There once was a woman named Linda

  Who bewitched poor old George . . . by the winda

  She danced with pizzazz. She had a beautiful . . . abs!

  Ouch!

  Do you like birds? Guilty. I’m quite the stud out there with my backyard birdhouse.

  Things seem so effortless for them. Did you know most of them mate for life?

  You should come and see my birdhouse.

  It’s Empty Here

  rachel is high and dancing at a club with her friend Santana.

  rachel: Santy, I’m really sorry. You’re not a cunt. What? I said, you’re not a cunt.

  (to someone on dance floor) What are you staring at?

  (to Santana) You’re my best friend. Really. Don’t go to university. Student loans, credit cards, career, mortgage, fuck it all. Let’s go back to Cerro Negro. Surf down the volcano. It’s empty here.

  Special Ear Guy

  wally visits the ear, nose, and throat specialist.

  wally: Sometimes I’m in a coma first thing and we get out late for our walk. I mean a coma. You’re the doctor, don’t you know what a coma is? Immobilized, unconscious, low vital signs.

  But you’re the special ear guy. I waited two months. What do you mean, there’s nothing medically wrong with my ears?

  Don’t talk to me like I’m some logger from the boonies.

  I’m going to throw you out this window. Doctor ear, nose, and knows fuck all. I’m going to watch you drop eleven floors and land on the sidewalk for everyone to see. If you don’t fix my ears right now.

  I’m not leaving. I’m not joking.

  Pause. wally makes a decision to retreat.

  Had It With Doctors

  rachel becomes “Nurse rachel.” The office phone rings. wally enters, agitated, interrupting as she speaks.

  rachel: Doctor Stevenson’s office. Dr. Sidhu, oh. What about Wally? What happened, is something wrong?

  wally: / I have to see the doctor.

  rachel: (to wally) / Hang on, Wally.

  (to phone) Doctor Stevenson will be here any minute, okay?

  wally: / Things are not okay.

  rachel: Just a sec, Wally.

  (to phone) He should have his pager with him.

  wally: / I don’t have a bus pass. I’m in a coma every morning.

  rachel: Just, um.

  (to phone) I’ll tell him to call you right away.

  She hangs up.

  wally: / Where is he? It’s been more than a minute.

  rachel: It won’t be long. Have you been out walking Lucky?

  wally: I’ve been immobilized.

  rachel: I’m sorry. Have you been able to tell him stories?

  wally: / I can’t wait another second.

  george enters.

  george: / Hello there.

  rachel: Dad, there’s an urgent message from Dr. Sidhu.

  wally: That quack says there’s nothing wrong with my ears.

  rachel: Dad, you have to call the specialist right away. He’s really upset.

  george: I just got in the door.

  wally: You think I have bus passes coming out my ass?

  rachel: Dr. Sidhu tried your beeper.

  wally: Doctor ear, nose, and fuck all is fucking useless.

  george: Take a deep breath.

  wally: / A puff of air is not going to cut it. I finally see your special ear guy. He has me in for five minutes, barely looks in my ear canals, and says nothing’s wrong. What do you bet he’s telling workers’ comp? I am not picking up my chainsaw, you hear me?

  george: You need to calm down.

  wally: You can sleep at night. Take your dog swimming. Watch waxwings.

  george: If you continue like this you’ll have to go.

  wally: What if I shot your birds?

  george: You need to leave now.

  wally: / Pick them off one by one. Shoot them until they fall out of the air, flailing around with broken wings.

  rachel: Oh god.

  george: Out. You’re disturbing my nurse and the other patients.

  wally: You’re only a few blocks from me. I saw you walking to your car. I can set up by your birdhouse. Pick them off while they’re eating sunflower seeds. You and your girl can watch them bleed.

  george: Get out! That is an order!

  wally: That is an order! I order you declared incompetent.

  george: I refuse to treat you any more.

  wally: (exiting) I’ve had it with doctors. WCB, welfare, the cops, all of you. Norman Smith, Susan McDonald, the landlord, doctor ear, nose, piss fuck all. I’m making a list, I’m compiling and you watch out. You, you’re at the top of the list.

  george: I’m sorry you had to witness that little tantrum. Are you all right?

  rachel: That was really freaky.

  george: Don’t worry. I’ve had a few like him.

  rachel: That list. Dad. Maybe you should call the police.

  george: He’s all talk.

  rachel: What about the hospital? Can’t they help him there?

  george: He’ll be in and out by morning.

  rachel: But, Dad, that doesn’t seem right.

  george: He’s not my patient anymore.

  The Guns Are Back

  The racket assaults wally’s ears. There is the sound of loud banging on his door. wally manages to get up, alarmed and disoriented.

  wally: Bugger off! No money on the premises. I have a guard dog. I’m calling the cops. What? Let me see your badge.

  All right. I’ve been in a coma. What time is it? All charges dropped? Right, my word against his. You’re giving my guns back? I know. Proper storage when not in use. Locked case. Only to the gun range and back. Thank you, officer. I’ll put them away right now.

  (to his dog) Why’d you do your business on the floor? You have to bar
k and let me know, Lucky. You have to help me out now. It’s your turn.

  The racket intensifies. Suddenly it stops.

  Are You Addicted?

  It’s early morning. george waits for rachel. rachel comes home high.

  rachel: Whoops. There you are.

  rachel finds her coke.

  george: Rachel?

  george sees her doing a line.

  rachel: / Get out of my room.

  george: What are you doing?

  rachel: Nothing. Go away.

  george: Is this cocaine?

  rachel: No.

  george: Are you doing illegal drugs in this house?

  rachel: Get out of my space.

  george: Are you addicted?

  rachel: Of course not.

  george: Are you using needles? Are they clean?

  rachel: Leave me alone.

  george: / Did you get hooked in Central America?

  rachel: Stop it.

  george: You have everything going for you. Did someone pressure you? Is this why you’ve been borrowing money?

  rachel: What are those pills you take?

  george: They’re for my back.

  rachel: Do you prescribe them for yourself? Is that legal? Dad?

  george: You shut up this instant.

  rachel: That is an order! What about the drugs you push on your patients?

  george: I do not push drugs.

  rachel: T3s. Sleeping pills. Turn them into zombies.

  george: You have no clue what’s going on with these patients. Anxiety. Depression. Addictions.

  rachel: Drugs for every occasion.

  george: Other doctors won’t even take these patients. I get them to exercise. I talk to them, make them laugh.

  rachel: Wally didn’t seem to be laughing.

  george: I tried to help him. You don’t know what people live with.

  rachel: / I don’t care.

  george: / People so obsessed by their next fix.

  rachel: / I’m not listening to you.

  george: / People who tear each other apart when there’s kids who should be tucked in with a bedtime story.