Addicted to Death

by Matthew Redford

  Musa roared in anger, and stalking Pine across the room, raised the spoon once more. He moved forward with menace and stood above the bleeding body of Alex Pine. Wortel lunged at the giant Musa catching him firmly in the middle of his back. The disorientated banana swung the spoon missing Wortel and Pine completely before making contact with another.

  Charles von Blimff cried out in shock as the spoon cracked the side of his skull, causing blood to ooze from his head as though a tap had just been turned on. He stumbled, tripping against the chair which had until just recently held Victoria Plum, and fell heavily into the wall. von Blimff slumped to the floor face-up, his breathing laboured. The wall continued to vibrate from the force of von Blimff hitting it, and as if in slow motion, the rhino head which was erected above where von Blimff lay wobbled forwards before falling from its perch, its horn piercing his chest killing him instantly.

  The roar from Musa filled the room. He fell to his knees alongside von Blimff tears streaming down his face, his breathing sporadic as he gasped for air between sobs. Wortel grabbed the arm of Victoria Plum who was trying to tend to Alex Pine. As he pulled her away Musa turned and pointed the metal spoon at Wortel.

  “Come on Victoria, we need to get out of here.”

  Oranges and Lemons eventually arrived at Withering Heights following an unfortunate miscommunication which had seen them burst into a Bronte convention that was taking place in the centre of town. Once Oranges and Lemons had averted a riot at the Wuthering Heights Annual Convention involving over thirty Heathcliffes and a number of Kate Bush lookalikes, they raced alongside Moxley Park Gardens to the correct location.

  Bickering with each other about the earlier mishap, Oranges and Lemons arrived at Withering Heights to see Wortel and Victoria Plum burst out of the building and start running into the park closely followed by a giant banana brandishing a large metal spoon. Realising that their little legs would never allow them to catch up, Oranges and Lemons opened the boot of their vehicle and grabbed the police issue space hoppers commissioned especially for officers with stunted limbs.

  “Where are we going?” panted Plum.

  “Preferably away from the murderous banana.”

  “Okay smart arse, but we can’t run forever…well, I can’t.”

  “Just a bit longer. Can you manage that?”

  “It’s a case of having to isn’t it?”

  “And then there’s some climbing involved.”

  “Climbing? Are you for real?”

  “Trust me. I’m a carrot.”

  Boing, boing, boing…Oranges and Lemons were closing fast…

  Wortel spied the fence in the distance. Another 400 yards at best.

  Boing, boing, boing…

  …250 yards…but he sensed Victoria Plum was starting to flag…

  Boing, boing, boing…

  Musa could smell Plum. She was dropping back. He had her.

  …150 yards…

  “One last effort Victoria…please…”

  Musa raised the metal spoon and swung the weapon. Missed.

  Victoria felt the swish of the spoon near the back of her head. As she ran she looked over her shoulder to see how close Musa was…and in doing so she lost her footing…

  ….just 60 yards…

  “We’re almost there…Victoria…VICTORIA…”

  Musa saw her fall. She’s mine.

  Boing, boing, boing…

  “Not so fast, you treacherous banana,” screamed Oranges.

  “Treacherous? That’s a bit melodramatic isn’t it?” queried Lemons.

  They leapt from the police issued space hoppers and put themselves between Musa and Victoria Plum.

  Wortel saw Oranges and Lemons put themselves in mortal danger to protect Victoria Plum. He was almost bursting with pride at his team.

  ‘Ah well, they weren’t the best recruits but I’ll miss them,’ he thought.

  Musa was startled by the two little fruits standing before him. He went to go round them but they moved and blocked his path. Seeing Victoria Plum get back to her feet and stumble towards Wortel, Musa raised his spoon aloft once more.

  Wortel and Plum began to run once more. They were at the fence. Time to climb.

  Oranges and Lemons fought valiantly, with Musa needing three swipes of the spoon to fell the police fruits. He looked ahead; these pesky two had bought Wortel and Plum time. They were nearly at the top of the fence.

  “What do we do when we get down?” asked Victoria.

  “Follow the signs.”

  “For what?”

  “Dinner.”

  “You’re thinking of your stomach at a time like this?”

  “Not mine.”

  “Well that makes sense. Ask a stupid question get a stupid answer.”

  Bananas weren’t built to climb as Musa soon found out. As he struggled up the fence he saw Wortel and Plum head down a winding pathway.

  He carried on climbing slowly, listening as he ascended to the strange noises that he was hearing.

  Wortel found the small brick hut he was looking for and without hesitation grabbed a rock and smashed a window.

  “What on earth are you doing Wortel?”

  “It’s called breaking and entering. Don’t worry, I’m the police. Come on I need your help inside.”

  Musa climbed down off the fence. He set off the same path he’d seen Wortel and Plum follow. He looked around. Where were they?

  Wortel found the key he wanted. He’d asked Victoria to look at the map and she’d found where they needed to go.

  They left the hut and were just about to set off when Wortel turned and shouted at the top of his voice.

  “MUSA.”

  He slipped off his jacket and let it fall to the floor.

  “Come on Victoria.”

  “What the hell have you just done?”

  “We need him to know where we are. It’s the only way.”

  Musa heard the call and started to sprint. He was soon at the hut, saw the broken window and then Wortel’s jacket. He sensed a trap, but he was in too deep to worry now.

  Musa continued forward albeit more cautiously than before. The strange noises continued all around him but his senses were sharpened for Wortel and Plum.

  Wortel followed the map and found the metal door he was looking for. He unlocked the door and entered with Victoria Plum following nervously, her hand gripping Wortel’s shoulder. They inched forwards, darkness making their progress more difficult, stumbling over hay bundles and walking into a tyre.

  Musa came across the open door and entered. Working his way forward he found the tyre, moved around it and pressed ahead.

  Wortel sensed his presence and coughed.

  Musa stopped. He heard the cough, looked in the direction it came and just ahead he made out the shape of the two cowering food sapiens. Musa walked forward and came face to face with Wortel and Plum.

  Standing before them he noticed how small they both seemed. The trouble was though, everyone seems small when standing before a six-foot banana.

  The banana hitman spoke with a soft South African accent.

  “DI Wortel and Victoria Plum. You have so nearly escaped but there is no way out from…well, I’m not sure exactly…where are we?”

  “We are in the company of Kikatika. He is the giant silverback of Moxley Park Zoo and for your information he looks rather hungry and is standing right behind you.”

  Musa smiled at Wortel. “A very old trick DI Wortel, a very tired, old trick, but not one I’m going to fall for.”

  Musa raised the weapon aloft, tilted it behind his head and smiled as he began to swing the spoon towards the cowering food sapiens. But it stopped in mid air. A hand gripped his arm. A strong hand. A hairy hand.

  Musa was spun around and was confronted by Kikatika. He looked at Musa, who started to back away. The spoon fell to the floor as Kikatika moved in for a midnight snack allowing Wortel and Plum to slip away with the sound of a banana hitman screaming for mercy ringing
in their ears.

  31

  Summing up

  Dorothy placed the tray of hot drinks down on the table, passed one to Wortel, placed one down where she intended to sit and picked up the final two drinks. Turning to the walking wounded she smiled at Oranges and Lemons and pushed their drinks closer to where they were sitting.

  “How’s the heads?” she asked.

  “The doctors said it was a good job we have thick skins otherwise we’d be goners for certain. He told me I’m lucky I wasn’t a Satsuma,” replied Oranges.

  “And he told me I’m lucky that I’m not a pomegranate,” said Lemons, “although he did say that was because pomegranates aren’t as easy to write about as lemons.”

  “Yep, you can say that again,” chimed in Wortel.

  “Tell me something,” asked Dorothy, “have we been able to pin anything on the Chancellor?”

  Wortel sighed. “No. We know he must have been involved because the food tax targeted the same items as those which were made addictive by AstraArms. But we’ve nothing that links him directly to the murders. And we’ve nothing that would stick in a court of law.”

  “That’s terrible,” said Lemons. “Something needs to happen to him.”

  “I agree,” said Oranges.

  “That’s life boys,” piped up Dorothy. “You can’t always get them.”

  “But if there is one silver lining the deficit is a lot smaller than it was,” said Wortel.

  “So what happens now?” said Oranges looking across nervously at Lemons.

  “Well,” Dorothy said, “I suppose you both will receive commendations for saving the life of Victoria Plum.”

  “And I guess we’ll have to keep you,” said Wortel.

  “At least life should be a little quieter now,” reflected Dorothy, “it’s been a bit of a roller coaster.”

  Chief Superintendent Archibald came bursting into the room waving a piece of paper while his false leg looked dangerously unsecure.

  “Well done everyone, good job. But Wortel, I had this note sent to me. Tell me, what have you done about it?”

  Wortel looked at the note and saw that it was in the language he didn’t understand.

  “Well boss. I’ve had a few messages but there’s been a few other distractions, you know the murders, the death threats to the celebrity chefs, the assassination attempt on my life. So I suppose I’m trying to say that I’ve not had them translated.”

  “You should’ve asked me. I can speak Spanish.”

  “You’re a man of hidden depths sir. So what does it say?”

  Chief Superintendent Archibald took centre stage. He cleared his throat, put on his best Spanish accent and began to read.

  “DI Wortel. I wrote to you because I thought my life was in danger. I know now that it is. They have my good friend Alfonso Scallion. Where were you when I needed you?”

  Everyone looked at Wortel whose joy at concluding the food addiction case and the celebrity chef death threats was evaporating quickly.

  “So one question Wortel,” asked Archibald.

  “What’s that sir?”

  “Do you know your onions?”

  Epilogue

  The rhino horn which killed Charles von Blimff was put on display at the police headquarters as a sign of justice triumphing over evil. Donatella DiMaggio unveiled the new statue at a special ceremony proclaiming that she always liked the look of a mounted horn.

  The remains of a six foot banana skin were found in the cage of Kikatika the giant silverback. Kikatika was awarded a police medal for saving Wortel and Victoria Plum. However, he was later awarded an undisclosed sum for compensation after successfully suing the Food Related Crime Division for chronic indigestion.

  There was insufficient evidence to link Chancellor Smith to the food addiction scandal. However, his involvement was leaked to Bethany Righteous of the Daily Melancholy and he later resigned in disgrace.

  The readers of the Daily Melancholy were most perturbed at the scandal.

  An internal investigation never found out who leaked the story to the press. The enquiry was thwarted by the sporadic amnesia suffered by Oranges and Lemons following their concussion suffered saving Victoria Plum.

  Oranges and Lemons were granted an extension to their stay with the Food Related Crime Division on the basis of a recommendation from Wortel who said that background characters were hard to come by and better to stick with two that had a little, if not much, potential than try to recruit anyone else.

  The food addiction scandal rocked the Government and caused mass public protests. Prime Minister Greggs promised a complete independent review by a person of his choosing who would lead a committee of old cronies. This appeased the public who saw it as an act of decisive government.

  The opposition party, WeKipped, were expected to win the next election following the food addiction scandal. However, when asked what they would do differently if they were in power they responded by asking what had happened in the first place. The Government won by a landslide.

  AstraArms closed its food experiment division with the new man at the helm, President Beady-Eyed, promising the public that they would no longer produce addictive foods. In a move that surprised the stock exchange, President Beady-Eyed also announced a product diversification into the tobacco market.

  Mr Bramley successfully sued AstraArms for his lost apples.

  Leah Brown was sentenced to a year’s detention at the HM Mini Chef service station just outside of Middlesbrough where she is to undergo rehabilitation for her dependency on alcohol as well as for her murderous tendencies.

  Arthur Crown was sentenced to two years’ detention at HM Stage School where he is to play a male version of Eliza Doolittle.

  Victoria Plum and Alexander Pine have rekindled their romance.

  Scottie Rodgers and Donatella DiMaggio had an ill-fated fling which lasted for two weeks. Scottie Rodgers was later admitted to hospital with severe back problems.

  Llewellyn Morris recovered from his burn injuries and continues to shout obscenities at guests on his TV show. Llewellyn and Juanday managed to get a long weekend away on the Isle of Man where the standard of cleaning was much more to their satisfaction. They wore their matching creams suits.

  Warren continues to be a pain in Wortel’s home life especially as he is adored by Stella for his talent at interior decorating.

  Wortel has been sent on a foreign languages course so that he can understand any written notes which arrive in the office.

  Dorothy continues to be the most normal member of the Food Related Crime Division.

  Copyright

  Published by Clink Street Publishing 2015

  Copyright © 2015

  First edition.

  The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  ISBN: 978-1-910782-07-1

  Ebook: 978-1-910782-08-8